So, I've got this friend . . . can you help her?

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I've got this friend who needs serious help. She has homeshooled from the begining and her only daughter is now 11, entering the 6th grade.

 

This woman is in fell danger of becoming . . . I shudder . . . indeed, she is in danger of creating in her daughter . . . the stereotypical just-cannot-meet-a-deadline homeschooler. They.cannot.meet.any.any.any.self-imposed.deadlines. They are utterly incapable. It's pitiful.

 

The mom is smart . . . so there is no excuse. She aced college, went all the way through with a 4.0, first in her class/top grad in undergrad and student of the yr in grad shool. See, smart, no excuse. You can't do that missing deadlines all over the place. She never missed a deadline in all of college or in her post college career. Sometimes she slides home at the buzzer (sorry, I'm not exactly facile with sports metaphores, I'm sure I mixed this one) but even so I would never, ever miss a deadline and indeed would snarl (inwardly) at those who would proffer up lame excuses and still get credit while those who worked hard did the work in the time given.

 

I've . . . er . . . I mean, she has always been a procrastinator but procrastinating is one thing, this alarming incompetence in completing work and meeting deadlines is some other thing all together.

 

What's to be done???

 

Okay, it isn't utter incompetence. Any time there is an external deadline, it's met with aplomb! Outside classes/activities? Deadlines met. Online classes? Deadlines met. Committments/obligations to friends and family? Deadlines met!

 

So why is it that when there is not external pressure to meet a deadline, they just can't be met?

 

Far more importantly, what can be done about it? Don't say, "Just do it." "Buck up and get the job done!"

 

I need . . . I mean, she needs practical, no-fail steps.

 

Help!

[Jilly]

:bigear: I have a friend with the same problem!

[TKDmom]

:lol:

 

I really enjoyed reading that post. But no advice. I was the one in college who stayed up all night typing up papers to turn in the morning after they were due. Usually my professors didn't count things as late if we slipped our papers under the door before they got to work the next morning.

[scrapbabe]

 

Far more importantly, what can be done about it? Don't say, "Just do it." "Buck up and get the job done!"

 

I need . . . I mean, she needs practical, no-fail steps.

 

Help!

 

I don't have an answer... but I would never say "buck up". I feel like a failure at a ton of things in homeschooling. My 8th grader is just barely doing pre-algebra this year. He's much smarter than that... but mommy didn't keep up. We started a business 2 years ago and it all went downhill.

But I'm certain they are much better people than they would have been had they been public-schooled. So I try not to beat up on myself because of the things they can't do or the things I didn't teach them... and try to focus on what I have done. Behind or not.... meeting deadlines or not.... we are teaching our children a ton of amazing and wonderful things. If it's really important, then sure you should seek answers and work on it... but don't beat yourself up about it! Nobody's perfect... but at least you have your children's best interest at heart!

 

Smiles,

Shalynn

[Mosaicmind]

I am in grad school now. I am attending Liberty University online and all of my professors have deducted points for papers, discussion boards, and other assignments not turned in on time. I have to admit that if I didn't have these deadlines, I would be scrambling to get things done the last minute. I have a friend taking online classes at another university and they have the whole 8wk period to get their work turned in. He has had to take several classes over or ask for an extension because he waits until the last minute.

 

Eventually natural circumstances cause us to change our ways. It has for me. I don't have "deadlines" imposed on myself for things that I control such as cleaning my bathroom, grading kid's schoolwork, or doing Bible study at church. If I choose to wait until the last minute on these things then I become a very cranky person and I add alot of unneeded stress on myself. These have become natural consequences that I have experienced due to my procrastination. My friends and family haven't been too happy with me either if I don't get things done in a timely manner.

 

There's really not much you can do besides let things happen as they may. Let God change her because ultimately he is the only one who can.

[MGK]

Could you figure out what exactly is causing you...um, I mean your friend... to get distracted from meeting the deadline? I know we struggle with having fun activities interfering with our schedule. Maybe isolating exactly what the problem is would help?

 

Also, how about lesson plans? Anything on paper about what specifically needs to be done broken down on a day by day basis? I have found that if I have a general goal like "write a paper about xyz due in one week" we never get around to it, but if I plan it out step by step and write it down as an assignment, we will follow through.

 

I'm a huge procrastinator myself, so I'm sure some super organized mom will have better ideas. Good luck to you!

 

Melanie

[Gooblink]

Loved your post. Unfortunately, I can't offer any real help as I'm there with you...er, her. :)

[JudoMom]

Would it help your friend if there was someone else aware of the deadline? Her dh, perhaps, or a trusted friend (I'd suggest you be that friend, but somehow I don't think that'd work :lol:)?

[specialmama]

You know... I'm just going to tell you. Take your hand and pat yourself on the back. All these external deadlines are met, so what is the big deal? I think your "friend" is showing a lot of what a lot of us lack: the ability to chop what is not essential... don't go nuts... just do what must get done. And frankly? For us, that is outside things. We can always skip a deadline to have an assignment from home handed in because life gets too full. That's okay. That's what life is all about. I think this daughter is learning the real value of prioritizing and there's no shame in that. So please don't feel guilty. :grouphug:

[nansk]

Hi,

 

Please don't be offended, but I am going to suggest getting checked for ADD (not ADHD). Procrastination, lack of internal motivation, impaired executive function, inability to prevent oneself from getting side-tracked, (possibly - though you have not mentioned these - distraction or hyperfocussing on one task to the exclusion of others) all of these point to a type of adult ADD. Such a person dislikes deadlines & schedules but it is precisely that structure which helps the person achieve their target.

 

I would suggest that "your friend" should engage a life skills coach (not a therapist) and/or read a book on adult ADD. "My friend" found these two books helpful. Also, she should appoint an external motivator/task master (this could be a friend or family member) to keep her on schedule with her homeschooling targets.

 

This is all jmho with an intent to help. Hope it does.

Edited September 3, 2010 by nansk

[johnandtinagilbert]

I'm gonna ask you to dig deep. I hope this doesn't offend you. Too much depth or plain truth often smokes out the hive :D

 

*I* used to be the same way as your friend (tee hee). I pleased the whole world, but never put what on in my house first. I can tell you, now that I'm reformed ;) I had 2 problems:

1) Too many outside activities;

2) Not enough respect for my household.

 

My solutions were to drop some out-of-house stuff and spend that same time on in-the-house stuff and also to put my home, family, and husband in the #1 SLOT in my life. If you're pleasing others (by meeting their deadlines) before your family (missing school deadlines, etc), then you're putting them first (at least I was) even when that was not my heart or my intention, it was what my actions showed everyone in my home. Everybody got the best of me but my household got what I gave them.

 

Now, :grouphug:, I was sad about myself when I realized this was true. If it's true for you...you'll have to be honest and dig deep to know for sure....then :grouphug:.

 

Better fix this now. The #1 complaint about high school and college level home schoolers is they can't meet a deadline (or don't write well). Don't be a statistic....er, don't let your friend's kid be a statistic :tongue_smilie:

 

fwiw....I did a good job not saying, BUCK UP! JUST DO IT!....:lol: I have an odd sense of humor, I know.

[Carrie12345]

You know... I'm just going to tell you. Take your hand and pat yourself on the back. All these external deadlines are met, so what is the big deal? I think your "friend" is showing a lot of what a lot of us lack: the ability to chop what is not essential... don't go nuts... just do what must get done. And frankly? For us, that is outside things. We can always skip a deadline to have an assignment from home handed in because life gets too full. That's okay. That's what life is all about. I think this daughter is learning the real value of prioritizing and there's no shame in that. So please don't feel guilty. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

Your "friend" is NOT unable to commit and complete on time. "She" just ranks outside commitments higher than commitments to herself. Yes, maybe that is something that should be worked on, but it seems far from the terrible situation you describe.

 

Prioritizing is GOOD. I wish my "friend" would do more of it! ;)

[Capt_Uhura]

Would it help your friend if there was someone else aware of the deadline? Her dh, perhaps, or a trusted friend (I'd suggest you be that friend, but somehow I don't think that'd work :lol:)?

:lol:

[Terabith]

Self imposed deadlines are really hard. There's no inherent consequence, grade wise or socially, for not meeting them. As long as external deadlines are met, I wouldn't worry too much. I mean, keep chugging along and do your best (I mean, encourage your friend to do her best), but I'd focus on having the 11 year old have to deal with a number of external deadlines. Online classes, co-ops, and as she gets older, cc classes or such. I think a steady diet of that will help her develop the skill of meeting deadlines, and encourage best effort and grace with self imposed deadlines. But, know that most people struggle with that. It's a whole different skill than external deadlines.

[Jenn in Mo]

My friend struggles with this as well. I read a book recently that is helping with baby steps....Don't Shoot the Dog was the name of it. It's for animal trainers and....everyone else. It even discusses training yourself. I'm not a huge 'positive reinforcement' kind of gal, but I'm seeing the benefits in using it instead of negative consequences for myself. The "good" chocolate for when I sit down to tackle the looming task. More "good" chocolate when I progress through stages. A good book and bubble bath when task is finished. Associating good feelings with each stage of the accomplishment makes it feel good to do what needs done instead of relying on my usual adrenaline rush of fear to accomplish what needs done for outside occasions.

[tristangrace]

Roping my husband in for some accountability helped me . . . a bit. I still struggle with procrastination for goals that are purely personal/homeschool-related.

 

For me, my procrastination elicits a lot of feelings of shame, so it took a while before I was even willing to ask my husband to check in with me regularly--it was likely that I'd get angry with him for asking (even though it was at my request!) or be tempted to lie if I hadn't done what I wanted to do (even though lying is worse than procrastinating!). But I've matured in recent years, and now it's useful to have my husband check in with me on my goals--he's a good ally and reality check. He is very reassuring and supportive when I am not meeting my own standards and realistic about goals, so I'm not setting them either too high or too low. If you have a spouse or friend willing to play this role, and you're up for it yourself, that's what I'd advise.

 

Like I said, accountability not a magic bullet, but it has helped me.

Edited September 3, 2010 by tristangrace
forgot to specify which feelings!

[SailorMom]

Gee, I've never done that.....:lol:

 

Sorry... anyway....

I think having outside accountability is the key. At least for your personality. I'm the same way.

Is it possible to have a monthly "portfolio" review with someone there? A teacher, a good friend, your dh.... anyone you would feel accountable to?

You wouldn't have to jump through hoops everyday - but knowing that monthly deadline is approachng might give you that kick in the rear you need:D

 

I also had to cut back on outside activities. I hated doing it - but there was no other way for us to get through our work on time.

:grouphug:

[Sasharowan]

Also, how about lesson plans? Anything on paper about what specifically needs to be done broken down on a day by day basis? I have found that if I have a general goal like "write a paper about xyz due in one week" we never get around to it, but if I plan it out step by step and write it down as an assignment, we will follow through.

 

I'm a huge procrastinator myself, so I'm sure some super organized mom will have better ideas. Good luck to you!

 

Melanie

I am slowly learning that we must do this here. Especially for papers, since the kids hate them, and I hate dealing with the kids when they are upset with the papers. LOl

[AHASRADA]

The mom is smart . . . so there is no excuse. She aced college...She never missed a deadline in all of college or in her post college career.

Any time there is an external deadline, it's met with aplomb! Outside classes/activities? Deadlines met. Online classes? Deadlines met. Committments/obligations to friends and family? Deadlines met!

 

So why is it that when there is not external pressure to meet a deadline, they just can't be met?

 

Are you sure I'm not the friend in question? Oh yes, I have two dc, can't be me! :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, I think it is a personality issue. Some people are just more extrinsically motivated as opposed to intrinsically. This difference is starkly apparent in my home, where dh and dd are very self-motivated to "get the job done", just for the satisfaction and peace of mind of having it done. Ds and I, on the other hand, are the first ones to do a thorough, excellent job, as long as someone else has set the deadline and will be evaluating us. If no one else will notice/care/call us on it, it gets procrastinated until doomsday.

 

I would simply recognize and accept this aspect of your personality, and try to find ways to circumvent it. Find a way to make yourself accountable to an outside source. This could mean an umbrella or correspondence school, or another homeschool mom with whom you share your plans or agree to exchange student work for review and comment (preferably not a fellow-procrastinator). You could plan a desireable reward, such as a trip to a location related to your studies, that will only be valuable if you have actually completed the coursework leading up to the trip by the date scheduled, and make sure dh or another family member is aware of your plan and will help hold you to it.

 

You're not a bad mom or a bad homeschooler. You are just extrinsically motivated, and need to create those motivations in your homeschool in order to keep you on track.

 

HTH,

[meet me in paris]

I

I need . . . I mean, she needs practical, no-fail steps.

 

Help!

Well, I think others have given you good advice - namely prioritizing and giving your own work a high priority. I am working on this same thing lately <see thread on "what is the most structured curriculum out there?" LOL>.

 

What is helping me/us achieve our goals is me sitting down over the weekend and typing out a daily schedule that breaks down every step of an assignment... and has a check-box for each step so that I can't skip it (I'm mental that way). See, if I had a weekly schedule that says "IEW Lesson 2" I might be inclined to... put it off. But if Monday says "IEW Lesson 2: Keyword Outline" and Tuesday says "IEW Lesson 2: Narration and Rough Draft" and Wednesday says: "IEW Lesson 2: Revise and Re-write", etc., I am much more inclined to actually do the work - or see that it gets done.

 

It takes me about an hour to go through every book and schedule pages to be read and steps to an assignment and it is a bit of a P.I.T.A. But it's working. Two weeks in a row we have done every last little thing, mostly without argument, and by Friday at noon we can all go play. And I haven't been able to say THAT in a long, long time.