Christmas holiday dilemma (long)

[dirty ethel rackham]

So, this is how we usually do the Christmas Holidays. Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas Day with Dh's dad and then a dh family get-together a few days later with his siblings when his brother comes into town. One of my absolutely favorite parts of Christmas is on Christmas Eve morning. My dear friend organizes a group to go caroling at a local nursing home and then we have a fabulous open house pot-luck lunch at her house. Most of our long-time homeschool friends are there. I love doing something that helps others. This feels like real family to me and I look forward to it every year.

 

Well, I am dreading this coming Christmas. Since my mom died last December, I knew things would never be the same. Last year, we did our usual Christmas eve get-together as always - only without Mom. My siblings chose to deal with things the way they always do - by drinking too much. We usually would be there for dinner, presents, some visiting, and then leave before things got a little too crazy. Last year was a little different ... Since my daughter sang in choir for the 5pm Mass, we didn't get there until 6:30. Well, the food was cold and almost gone and many of them were half in the bag. Mom's absence was hardly acknowledge (we are a "sweep it under the rug" kind of family) except for her collection of 12 pairs of slippers on the mantle - one for every female member of the family. (No one knows how she collected that many slippers in 18 months since she downsized to the retirement center.) It was sad, weird and fun (my family is a fun bunch.)

 

Well, here comes the dilemma ... my brother, who lives about 5 hours away has invited the whole family to come have Christmas eve at his house. He wants us to come down on the 22nd or the 23rd and take in the sights of the town and have our feast on Christmas eve. I know he is thinking that this will work great for my family since dh's brother lives only 10 miles from my brother. However, his brother does things with his wife's family on Christmas Day (they don't do much on Christmas eve) and then travel to see us after Christmas. Also, where does this leave FIL? He usually helps out at church during some of the Christmas masses. For us, this would mean that my daughter can't sing with the choir. But the real kicker is that I don't want to miss caroling with my friends who are like family to me. I just don't wanna. I can't see leaving our house at 2 pm, driving 5 hours to see my family already half in the bag (or hung over.)

 

So, do I do the logical thing and not go to db's house and miss my family (including the wonderful non alcoholic members - like some nieces and nephews)? Or do I go and miss my "chosen family" as well as leave FIL out in the cold? Or do we have him take a train down, but then we will be horning in on BIL's in-law get-together?

 

I have to make a decision within the next month because I have to turn in my ministry availability form for church, which includes availability for the Christmas services. What to do, what to do, what to do?

[elegantlion]

Well since I'm purposely missing dh's family reunion this weekend....dh, ds, and a few aunts may be the only sober people by the end of the day, so fun. :glare:

 

I could see giving up things for myself, maybe even asking dd if you truly felt pulled, but FIL would be a kicker for me. You know well enough that parents aren't around forever and I wouldn't want an older person left out in the cold, so to speak, on the holidays.

 

You have family traditions, your own immediate family. :grouphug: It may be that your mom's passing ended a tradition, but that doesn't mean the other ones you have in place aren't just as valuable.

 

I can imagine how much of a blessing it is to do the caroling, especially for people that may also feel forgotten at this time of year. I don't know how old your mother was, but I'm sure you honor her memory but being there for seniors and your FIL.

 

Honestly, I'd tell my family I love you, but I already have my plans here.

[Unicorn.]

I think I would stay at home, and maybe ask brother if we could do a get together on another day, maybe the weekend before or something? Holidays are hard when trying to fit everyone in. I hate that we've never really been able to make our own traditions on Christmas Day, because of dh's family stuff. My family gets together a few days after.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Paula,

 

You're making me cry. I know you are right. My head tells me you are right. We don't have many more years with FIL (he'll be 83 this fall). We do need to start our own traditions.

 

It's just that this will be the first Christmas eve in my LIFE that I haven't spent it with my family (as in my siblings.) That is 47 years of tradition to be broken this year. While some of my out-of-town siblings have missed a year here or there, the core of us has been there. Even though that celebration hasn't been my dream gathering in quite a while (reality never lives up to the fantasy), my heart aches to miss them. I guess I am so anxious about this because without us all together, Mom's death will be real! She was always the glue that held the family together. I feared that we would all go our separate ways without Mom around. It is happening, little by little. I kept up with news of my family through Mom. I knew who got a new job, which niece or nephew had a major accomplishment, etc. Now, I only hear stuff if they friend me on facebook. (Several chose not to because a 47 yo aunt as a friend kinda cramps their style.) I just don't want to face this new reality.

 

I just talked with DH about this. He has been silent on this issue, probably knowing that I had to work this out myself, probably knowing more than I did, how big a deal this is to me. We decided that we are staying home, bless those elderly and infirm at the nursing home and celebrate with our "chosen family". I know I will shed a tear or two looking into the faces of those residents, remembering my own mom.

[AK_Mom4]

You are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

That's really hard! At least you've made the decision and now you can cry your eyes out but know what you are going to do. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Has your dh spoken with his father to see what he hopes to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas?

 

Cat

[3lilreds in NC]

:grouphug: Oh, Ellen, I'm so sorry. I had to break lots of family holiday traditions when I got married and it still makes me sad. I have not had to deal with changes due to loss of a parent yet and that might just put me over the edge. I'm glad you and your dh were able to talk about it together and make a decision that will work best for your family.

[Ellie]

I say stay home. It's not worth a 5-hour drive. Really.

[Luckymama]

:grouphug: My mom died before Thanksgiving last year. The holidays were really really really rough. No matter what you do this year (and the following years), everything will be different. I wish I could be upbeat for you but I still can't. I hope you have a blessed Christmas with your friends and the elderly :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

If it wouldn't upset you more (and if you wouldn't be likely to get "scolded" or whatever), maybe you could do a skype call or big conference call or something to your family during Christmas Eve.

 

I think you are doing the right thing, not that my opinion matters. It's hard to start taking responsibility for relationships when you've let Mom handle that all your life--but you are doing it! Good for you.

 

And I find FB a wonderful way to catch up with my nieces--they post pictures like crazy, and I find I instant message them (chat) much more frequently than I used to call. It's really fun, and sort of bypasses their parents. It's better than calling to talk to the grown ups and then having them hand the phone to their kid, who invariably groans (not into the phone, but in the backround!) lol.