Moms, can I get my child to focus on something besides appearance?

[distancia]

Dad and I don't know how to change our D's distorted way of putting emphasis on her appearance above all else. We parents have always tried to focus on achievements, personality, kindness, etc. etc, never mentioning how gorgeous or handsome a person is.

 

It seems to have backfired because our D is constantly seeking approval from others telling her how beautiful she is. Her entire day can be destroyed if she sees a girl who she thinks is more attractive than she. If she walks into a room and every man but one swoons over her she is unhappy, because that particular man hasn't fallen victim to her beauty.

 

Last night D screamed at me--literally screamed!--that we parents have screwed her up because we have never praised her beauty. She said if we had praised her beauty more she wouldn't have doubts about her appearance and have this low self-esteem. She is so angry with us that she announced she is getting her GED and moving out at 18 (she is 17) just to get away from us because we have made her feel so bad about herself.

 

She went on to say that ALL mothers constantly tell their daughters "oh sweetie, you're so beautiful, and you're such a sweet, funny, smart person., any man should be happy to have you..." blah blah blah. She says there is something wrong with me (mom) because I haven't done that so she has to seek approval elsewhere.

 

This is so sad for me because she is a bright young lady, gifted and so smart, so talented...but she takes all that for granted. The worst part is, she IS a highly attractive young woman and she has been getting attention (from others) for her appearance since the start of high school so she has come to rely upon the instant gratification that is based on looks.

 

We have had her in therapy over this to no avail.

 

An advice? I am distraught.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: Perhaps at some point a letter telling her how you view her as your beloved daughter would be a cherished keepsake for her. :grouphug:

[OrganicAnn]

I think I would be tempted to spend a week telling her how pretty she is... all. day. long.

 

But really I would spend time talking with her about how she feels about herself. How she feels about others that are attractive and unattractive. I would chat about how how looks changes as people age. Maybe even read about famous beauties to see if they were happier than people that weren't as beautiful - Lily Lantry comes to mind.

 

Since this seems a big issue for you and her, then I would not avoid it. I would send a lot of time exploring it. I would try to spend as much time listening as talking about it. One reason I would take it very seriously, is that it will may affect her decisions on dating and husbands, etc. If she had issues with this, then she may not make good decisions. I would ignore the 'blame' she's throwing around, let it roll like water off a duck's back.

[specialmama]

I would respond something like "of COURSE you are beautiful! You are the most beautiful person I've ever seen! But honey, looks are fleeting. When you're 90 years old, it's your beautiful character that will shine for the world to see." Beauty is so fleeting. Anything can happen to threaten it: a fire can scar, hair can fall out due to scarring/fire/chemo/disease, accidents can leave someone incapacitated and unable to wipe their own butts. Beauty can only go so far. "So yes honey, you ARE beautiful... and as much as your outside is radiant, it's your heart that outshines all the superficial beauty." Is your family Christian? The bible is full of verses that can help her see that it's the heart that matters most.

[Peela]

To me it sounds like your daughter is telling you exactly what she needs and she is quite clear about it.

Yes, we don't want our kids to grow up focusing on valuing themselves only or mainly on their looks...but why, honestly, is their looks any less valuable than their intelligence? Why is one inherently more valuable than the other anyway? We are valuable inherently, not for any quality....whether that is our kindness, our intelligence, OR our looks. Each person is unique and if intelligence or kindness is more valuable than beauty...then some people are more valuable than others, and that isnt so.

I think it is ESPECIALLY important for a father to tell his daughter how beautiful she is and to love her physically- lots of hugs especially. Otherwise...what do you think she will do as soon as she is old enough to be interested in boys? She will want to attract attention in order to get the affection and love she is craving. She will run to the nearest boy who tells her she is beautiful in order to get into her pants. Many of us have BTDT. Thats why I tell my daughter she is beautiful. She knows it to her core, and she is. And she is also intelligent, wise, deep, kind, loving, smart, and wont let a boy with wrong intentions too near her with a 10 foot pole because she values herself on all levels. When a girl knows she is beautiful she is EMPOWERED to stay in her own skin, to not give up her power to men.

 

I think the point is to have balance. Girls need to be told how beautiful we are...it is part of our psyche, part of our make up, part of who we are. Your wanting to override thousands of years of conditioning and perhaps innate hardwiring is unlikely to do anything but cause problems. It is natural for teenagers especially to want to preen themselves and check themselves out in the mirror because this is that period in their life where they are physically, emotionally and spiritually preparing to mate and have babies. All species do it (in many it is the male rather than the female who is the most beautiful). It's not harmful. It is a need...and if the need is denied, it will act out in unhealthy ways. If the need is fulfilled...(just like the need for love and affection, for friendships, for community- are basic human needs) it takes up a disproportionate place in the psyche in order to get that need met.

 

I would start telling your daughter she IS beautiful and you think she IS beautiful and love her as she is...and that you just wanted the best for her but you realise she really NEEDS you to acknowledge her beauty- as well as her other qualities.

Have you had fun with your girl? Have you played with her hair and seen what looks best, and let her play with yours? Have you painted your nails with her? Have you had FUN being a female with her? I have healed my own femininity so much having a girl, even though I am not a girly girl and dont paint my nails or even shave my legs most of the time! I do allow and love my daughter for who she is, and help her to enjoy her own beauty.

These things are not wrong. It's not wrong to be a beautiful young woman and know it. All young women are beautiful. They are empowered to not be too obsessive about that when they know it as a foundational truth.

Edited August 13, 2010 by Peela

[Carol in Cal.]

I read a book when I was pregnant with DD that impressed me--it's called "Things Will Be Different For My Daughter." One of the things that always stayed with me from that book is that parents can't hope to completely deny the cultural emphasis on physical beauty of girls, so they have to take the stance that girls should be both smart and beautiful, and verbally recognize BOTH. I believe that this is true. You don't want a DD getting all of her physical recognition from outside of the family.

 

I know it's hard when you're accused and such, but if you can muster the strength to this, I think your best bet would be to go and tell your daughter just how gorgeous she is, and also how gorgeous her character and brain are, all together. Say that you thought that it was so completely obvious that she is physically beautiful that you never thought to mention it, and that that will change. Then move on.

 

I agree that an exclusive focus on looks is extremely unhealthy, but ironically enough I also think that we can create that focus by not recognizing looks at all. Soon she will be gone. It's better if she knows ALL the things that you appreciate about her, not all but one, before she goes.

 

I know her criticism was disrespectful and out of line, but if you can, I suggest trying to ignore that this one time. It's important to have this bond established now.

[regentrude]

She needs your approval of her appearance - why don't you give it to her? She tells you that this is important to her.

I needed my mother's approval on another area of my personality and never got it. I am 42 years old and still find myself seeking this approval from my mom; it does not matter that she praises other things and that we have a great relationship and that I understand that she loves me- it is this one sore spot that continues to bother me. Rationally I know I should not need this, but emotionally it is a big deal.

So obviously her looks is very important to your daughter and she wants to hear from YOU that her perception of herself as beautiful is correct. I don't see a problem in telling her that it is. Teenage girls often have issues with their bodies - so in her mind it can translate into "not even my MOM thinks I look nice".

regentrude

[Rosie_0801]

Tell her you're sorry; that you didn't know it was so important and you'll try and remember that she's a verbal type of person who likes complements, but she'll have to be patient while you get the hang of it.

 

Then, in a few weeks time, bail her up for another discussion. This discussion should be a calm explanation that you have taken what she said into account and have been doing your best, even though it goes against your nature, but there is something she needs to know. *pause for emphasis* That screaming at your mother that she has screwed you up is like smashing her over the head with a fridge and driving a stiletto though her heart. *Another pause so she has time to react* Then smile, pat her hand and say you forgive her because you know she didn't know that.

 

Then continue that self esteem is a funny thing. When you have low self esteem, you feel like it is because of everyone else's reactions, but when your self esteem is a bit healthier, you don't feel so powerless. Since she's feeling powerless on this issue, which is a sucky thing indeed, it is your job to help her and praise from you is only a small part of her current trouble, even if it is the reason this all became an issue in the first place. Even powerful and independent women, the types who are going to get their GEDs and leave home ;) need validation from people who matter; but they are careful in choosing who matters and who doesn't. If you don't discriminate and need validation from everyone, then everyone has the power to make you feel good or bad and you have no power at all. You've gifted it away to a huge crowd of people who may or may not care about you. If you make choices as to who matters, then you are gifting to people who really want to take that responsibility carefully and do the right thing by you. It's personal. They care about you and aren't just tripping off their own interest in looking at a nice set of boobs or whatever. There are plenty of people around who think they should matter, but that doesn't always mean they do. Then go on to explain who matters to you, and who in your life thinks they should matter, but don't. Hopefully you can have a laugh over that.

 

Then invite her to share. You don't want the group of those that matter to be too big, or there will be too many people who *could* hurt you, and as you are aware, that's not always deliberate. But if the group is too small, you don't get the validation you need; that everyone needs.

 

I'm just guessing, of course, but I think that addresses the underlying issues which forbidding her to speak about appearance wouldn't do. Not that you can forbid such a thing, but you know what I mean.

 

If you need to sweeten all this up a bit, you could confide that you've been feeling a bit frumpy recently (whether this is true or not) and you think you should both save up for a shopping trip. This would be an opportunity to chip in for something she really wants, but can't quite afford; and to allow her to choose some things that you wouldn't ordinarily wear, but do actually look good, then WEAR them. Wear them when she's around, wear them when she's not. Wear them when there is someone to comment so you can tell them (preferable with dd in earshot) that you would have been too embarrassed to choose something that wasn't your usual style but your dd chose it and you really think she is right and you might have to branch out a bit. It will validate that she has good taste, and she'll feel good that she is sharing her expertise to extend her poor old mum's comfort zone into something way snazzier. I think all teenage girls want their mums to wear something they chose. (And no, I'm not above a bit of manipulation for a good cause :sneaky2: ;) ) If money is an issue, you could do the shopping trip as a tour of thrift stores and consult heirloom sewing books for ideas on how to improve them a bit. You can do some spiffy things with doilies and embroidered tablecloths :)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Heidi]

This woman is a young mother/wife who blogs. She is beautiful in every way a person can be beautiful. In 2008, her and her husband were in a plane crash. They both survived, but Stephanie was burned severely. The youtube video is about her experience. The second link is her blog. She is an inspiration to what beauty really is and how physical beauty is fleeting and really doesn't matter. Maybe your daughter would be interested in her.

 

 

http://www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

[KidsHappen]

I tell my girls they are beautiful all the time. They don't believe me. They say that I just say that because I am their mom. The one that is what would be considered the most attractive in our society is the one with the lowest self-esteem and they all think that their sisters are more attractive, popular, talented, etc. Honestly, sometimes parents just can't win. Hopefully she will come to appreciate your parental style more when she is a little older.

[Lolly]

In this case, I think you should do what she suggested. You really can't change another person. You can only change yourself.

 

She is telling you what she needs. I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her that you DO think that she is beautiful. That she is so beautiful that you were afraid to praise her beauty because it could become too important to her. (Do NOT tell her that you feel it has become too important.) That she has so many wonderful qualities you wanted to be certain that they were allowed to grow and shine without having to compete with her looks, so you purposely did not draw attention to her physical qualities. I would even apologize to her and tell her that I now realize I had made a mistake.

 

Then, start celebrating her beauty with her. Do some of the things suggested in Rosie's post. Arrange to visit a spa with her. Have a make-over at the mall together. Pick out some new clothes and make-up. Start telling her she is beautiful. I sometimes find myself staring at my dc in awe. When they notice, they ask what's wrong. I tell them that I just can't believe how gorgeous they are. And, I am unbelieving. How can such beautiful things have come from me? It is amazing. (Point, it has to come from your heart.) It is goign to be hard to change for you and your dh. (It is important for him to also let her know that she is pretty. A girl's first love is usually her daddy. His approval is most necessary to her.)

[Jenny in GA]

To me it sounds like your daughter is telling you exactly what she needs and she is quite clear about it.

Yes, we don't want our kids to grow up focusing on valuing themselves only or mainly on their looks...but why, honestly, is their looks any less valuable than their intelligence? Why is one inherently more valuable than the other anyway? We are valuable inherently, not for any quality....whether that is our kindness, our intelligence, OR our looks. Each person is unique and if intelligence or kindness is more valuable than beauty...then some people are more valuable than others, and that isnt so.

I think it is ESPECIALLY important for a father to tell his daughter how beautiful she is and to love her physically- lots of hugs especially. Otherwise...what do you think she will do as soon as she is old enough to be interested in boys? She will want to attract attention in order to get the affection and love she is craving. She will run to the nearest boy who tells her she is beautiful in order to get into her pants. Many of us have BTDT.

 

:iagree:

 

Just what I was thinking. I think I can safely say that my father never thought I was pretty, and my mother sort of went back and forth. That perception certainly caused some damage.

 

Jenny

[Laurie4b]

Right now is not the time to be asking how to get her to stop focusing on her appearance--it's the time to be asking how to heal the relationship.

 

I think it would be good for you and your husband to sit down with her--maybe take her out to a nice restaurant--and tell her that you are sorry. Tell her that you made a mistake--in wanting her to know that she was valued for more than her beauty and to counteract our culture's messages about beauty and help her avoid the trap that so many women fall in and feel even worse about as they age-- that you went overboard in not mentioning it very much at all. You thought the result would be that her self-esteem would be higher as a result, but that you now see the result was the opposite of what you had wanted and you are so sorry. Each of you tell her what you do think of her beauty. Emphasize both that you made a mistake and that your intentions were to do good to her. Ask her if she will forgive you for misjudging. You may want to write what you have to say in a letter--each of you--in case the conversation doesn't get finished. Work to avoid inserting "teaching about beauty and the lack of importance of appearance" into this conversation. It will sabotage the effort.

 

She's 17, almost 18. The time is past for "teaching." There comes a point as they reach adulthood when kids are beyond our shaping them. They will now take what we've given them and shape themselves. They become the shapers. Our role changes to their supporters, offering occasional guidance, but not much unless asked for. Unless they want and ask for it, they will resist it. You are not the people from whom she will learn that beauty fades. She will learn that herself at some point. You can pray for her, if that is your inclination, but I would strongly advise that you stop trying to teach her or change her. You're done that part of your journey as a parent.

 

This part of your journey is about accepting that she is now an adult. (She's made it quite clear that she is prepared to enforce that boundary. Better for you to accept the reality.) This part of the journey is about building an adult-to-adult relationship, which is more like a friendship than one in which there is a hierarchy . It's perhaps hardest right now because there is still a huge gap in life experience, but you will have to suck it up and endure the gap without trying to impart a whole lot of your wisdom. You've already imparted quite a bit. A person this age needs to feel that she is an adult and a competent one. Your job is to reinforce that without too many reminders that she is competent but young. This part of the journey is about admitting where you've made errors in the past. Slightly further ahead in the journey will be her admitting where you've done well! Hang on. You've done many things well, I'm sure. You'll have to know those in your heart without her acknowledgment.

[EarleneW]

Why don't you tell her shes beautiful- I dont think her view is the one distorted. It's just like anything else- if their parents don't tell them what they want to hear- they will seek it elsewhere.

[Mejane]

I think most people want to know they're attractive. For a teen, it's especially important. It's not too late; just start telling her how pretty she is without making it seem like you're only doing it to placate her. As Kidshappen said, she may roll her eyes and say, "no, I'm not," but the message will get through.

 

My dad only told me I was beautiful on my wedding day. It was meaningful, but a bit too late.

[Perry]

 

Last night D screamed at me--literally screamed!--that we parents have screwed her up because we have never praised her beauty. She said if we had praised her beauty more she wouldn't have doubts about her appearance and have this low self-esteem.

While I agree with other posters that it's a good idea to tell her you think she's beautiful, I wouldn't "praise" her for it. I don't praise my kids for things over which they have no control. They have to earn praise.

 

I don't want my kids to feel proud of their appearance or intelligence. They should be proud of effort and achievement, because those things depend on choices they make.

 

I have no problems telling them they look pretty. I just don't see it as praise.

[Danestress]

Your daughter is 17. She is standing in your house screaming at you because you are responsible for her low self esteem? She thinks getting a GED is a threat that might make you come to your senses?

 

I think when things quiet down, maybe it's time to tell her that in the real world, people get esteem through accomplishment and mastery of skill. I think I would tell her that she is indeed beautiful and that you want her to have a better self image, but you can't hand it to her on a plate. No one can. Her esteem will come through hard work and seeing progress in meeting her goals. Beauty is a wonderful icing on the cake. It will open doors for her and make her life pleasant, and it's made yours pleasant because it is a joy to have such a beautiful girl in the house. But I would tell her that as much as you enjoy it, it's not really yours and it's not really enough, but that luckily for her, she has other qualities in addition to her beauty that will help her build a life that is fulfilling and interesting. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are proud of her. Tell her she is beautiful. But also tell her that you are only a human and that whatever mistakes you have made, her life is hers own now and she has to work out her desires.

 

I would tell her that if she wants to move out, she can do that. That at 18, one only lives at home if one WANTS to do so, and that you will love her and support her emotionally as best you can no matter where she lives.

 

I would tell her that if she needs a big adventure of moving out, getting a GED and working, you understand that and will always be there rooting for her and that maybe that is what she needs in order to feel like she achieved things on her own terms. I would tell her that if she wants to do things the easier and more conventional way, she is most welcome to live at home, finish high school, maybe go to college with your help, etc. In other words, the ball is in her court. She will make her way. You will have boundaries for how much you will offer in terms of financial support and room and board. You will offer love and approval without limit, except you won't approve of immoral choices, though you will try to keep your mouth shut in those instances.

 

But you will not be screamed at and blamed for everything that isn't right in her life, and you will not be responsible for providing a self esteem, and you will not beg her to live at home if she doesn't want to.

Edited August 13, 2010 by Danestress

[justamouse]

Rosie is full of wisdom. Really.

 

Have you read the book Non Violent Communication by Dr. Rosenberg? http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm I think, if you are to make more headway than the analysts and heal your relationship, you might want to read it and put it into practice. You need to listen to her, to take it to your heart how hurt she is. Empathize with her and tell her how sorry you are, and then work to heal that relationship. If you don't, you might loose her for a long time because she's going to have to work through that all by herself. I don't agree with the other posters that are saying to play it low.

 

There is a biological need for beauty. We are wired to seek beautiful mates, symmetry of face (which signals genetic health) and other signs of health that our brains just KNOW when they see it. This isn't dog breeding, where when you breed for beauty, you loose brains. When you don't praise beauty, we think we are putting more worth on character, but we are still only valuing half of the person. Yes, beauty is fleeting, yes, character is of utmost importance, but NOT *seeing* beauty, not acknowledging how beautiful a person is, is STILL only *seeing* half of them. They are beautiful. Genetics blessed them with a gorgeous exterior. It's NOT a random crapshoot, it's years and years of genetics coming into play. We go overboard in downplaying beauty because as moms we are sensitive to the media around us (and rightly so), and we don't want our daughters to become victims of that media, but we need balance, not to pretend that the skin case we come in is of no value. Would you tell an athelete (who are genetically presidposed (basketball for instance)) that their height doesn't matter? What about Celine Dion's voice? Would you tell her her voice doesn't matter? That it's just a voice and God happned to bless her with it but non of that is important? Of course not! We celebrate beautiful voices, the Magic Johnson's. How can we look at our beautiful daughters and pretend their beauty isn't there?

 

My daughter got told in every aisle of the supermarket how beautiful she was. I would have to plan extra time to shop. I am NOT kidding. It was endless. People would tell her how beautifu she was and she would answer, "I know!" When she got into school she became the teachers pet and the center of the social circle (I started homeschooling her to pull her OUT of that. her character was starting to suffer). She is her Daddy's princess, and we both stressed character and brains, to go with her beauty, but we never played down how gorgeous she was. Now she has three younger sisters who are just as beautiful and we tell them how beautiful they are, and study extra hard.

Edited August 13, 2010 by justamouse

[simka2]

Your daughter is 17. She is standing in your house screaming at you because you are responsible for her low self esteem? She thinks getting a GED is a threat that might make you come to your sense?

 

I think when things quiet down, maybe it's time to tell her that in the real world, people get esteem through accomplishment and mastery of skill. I think I would tell her that she is indeed beautiful and that you want her to have a better self image, but you can't hand it to her on a plate. No one can. Her esteem will come through hard work and seeing progress in meeting her goals. Beauty is a wonderful icing on the cake. It will open doors for her and make her life pleasant, and it's made yours pleasant because it is a joy to have such a beautiful girl in the house. But I would tell her that as much as you enjoy it, it's not really yours and it's not really enough, but that luckily for her, she has other qualities in addition to her beauty that will help her build a life that is fulfilling and interesting. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are proud of her. Tell her she is beautiful. But also tell her that you are only a human and that whatever mistakes you have made, her life is her own now and she has to work out her desires.

 

I would tell her that if she wants to move out, she can do that. That at 18, one only lives at home if one WANTS to do so, and that you will love her and support her emotionally as best you can no matter where she lives.

 

I would tell her that if she needs a big adventure of moving out, getting a GED and working, you understand that and will always be there rooting for her and that maybe that is what she needs in order to feel like she achieved things on her own terms. I would tell her that if she wants to do things the easier and more conventional way, she is most welcome to live at home, finish high school, maybe go to college with your help, etc. In other words, the ball is in her court. She will make her way. You will have boundaries for how much you will offer in terms of financial support and room and board. You will offer love and approval without limit, except you won't approve of immoral choices, though you will try to keep your mouth shut in those instances.

 

But you will not be screamed at and blamed for everything that isn't right in her life, an you will not be responsible for providing a self esteem, and you will not beg her to live at home if she doesn't want to.

 

 

:iagree:This was well said! Although there is nothing wrong with telling her see's beautiful, they're are deeper issues involved. There is a book called "Stepping Heavenward." It is journal of sorts, from a girl around your daughters age. There's a similar scene where she gets bad at her mother for not praiseing her constantly like her friends mom. Her mom responds with something along the lines of..."there are those who will tell you what you want to hear to your face, and bad mouth you behind your back. And then there are those who love you enough to speak the truth to your face."

 

Basically, it was a be wary of all the compliments :)