what to do with grouchy/whiny kids?

[Gwenny]

What do I do with my grouchy 7 yo daughter? I need suggestions on how to approach and discipline this type of behavior. The best way to describe it, is to imagine the way a moody teenager acts. Whenever asked to do something, she moans and protests. She acts as though all things scholastic are difficult (even if obviously not hard). If she doesn't understand or acccomplish something right the first time, she throws a fit or pouts.

 

Last year we had a good routine and schoolwork was done by lunch time and she only had to do it 4 days a week, but she hated every second of it. We have games and read-alouds mixed into to the day and that helps, but not much. Even the subjects she likes (science and history), she just tolerates during school time so she can get the whole ordeal over with.

 

I need someone to tell me what to do or say to turn her attitude around. In general, she is just grouchy and pessimistic. If she can't get the kickstand on her bike up, instead of nicely asking for help, she whines and cries. If her house of blocks falls, she cries and sometimes flings herself to the ground.

 

Please offer me some help. I would love to start this year off right. I hate that she hates school so much. All of you that have kids that love school, what are you doing to achieve this? Are some kids just moody and will always hate things that are not of their own choosing?

 

Thanks,

Gwen

[Caraway]

:bigear:

 

I have an almost 7 yo boy who is behaving similarly...

[ChrissySC]

.... duck tape?

 

Seriously, I send them to the bathroom. There is no tv, games, etc. I sit them there for a long time out.

[ElizabethB]

Whining or complaining gets more work. I add work in a cheerful, matter of fact matter, and do not add in fun or semi-fun things.

 

It has been very successful here, no more whining after a few times, it was our policy most of last year and worked wonders.

[beaglemamma]

Gwen - I'm beginning to wonder if you kidnapped my child! :lol:

 

We are having similar attitude problems over here, too. As far as school goes, the attitude was only in math, but we switched her from CLE math to Singapore math, and that seems to have fixed it. But before we made the change, her Daddy told her that if he got wind of her complaining during school, she could redo it with him when he got home from work, plus do another lesson on top of it. He's a coach, so he doesn't cut her too much slack with her bad attitude. Plus, since he's a public school teacher, his philosophy is you wouldn't disprespect Mrs. So-and-So if you went to public school, so you don't disprespect your mother, either.

 

But even outside of school, she just has a lousy attitude. I brought her beautiful pink birthday cake home the morning of her 7th birthday party, and she looked at it and said, "Oh, I was hoping for orange." HONESTLY?!!! :001_huh:

 

Lately I've noticed how much I contribute to this by reacting (and, frankly, if I give her a performance, she's going to demand an encore) and even just by constantly reasoning and explaining. It's like she never has real consequences, just lots of lectures. So I've been trying to give more immediate results. For example, when she uses harsh words with her sister, she now spends the remainder of the day in the guest bedroom because she's not being a loving member of our family and working to keep peace in our home. When she complains, she has to write three things she is thankful for in a gratitude journal, and she can't repeat anything she has already written.

 

Whether any of this actually works remains to be seen, so I'm very curious to hear what others have to say. But I always have to remind myself that SHE is not my enemy - her sinful behavior is. And my job is to TRAIN her, frustrating as that job can be! :001_smile:

[mysticamethyst]

Mine will not be a favored response but when they get really bad I come up with hard labor for them to do where I don't have to supervise and listen to it. I have sent them outside to weed, pick lint from the space between floorboard and carpet, wash cupboards, wash windows. The next time I hear whining I always ask if there is something else I could find for them to do the response is usually no and attitudes are greatly improved the next day. Not one of my kids likes to do school work but it must get done. There is no reason I should have to listen to them complain about something I have worked very hard to put together for them.

 

If it is really just minor whining and complaining perhaps explain to her that everyone has a job to do and hers is school. No, she may not want to but daddy I'm sure would rather stay home and mommy would like to not to have to do laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning and then school too. We all have our HAVE TO'S and school is hers. Good Luck I hope its gets better and you get lots of great advice.

[Mommy to monkeys]

I've been dealing with this very thing with my 7 year old ds, and 5 year old daughter as well. I strongly urge you to read raising Godly tomatoes. You can read the whole book online at raisinggodlytomatoes.com

 

It's really been a blessing here

[HSM-Crissy]

I've been dealing with this very thing with my 7 year old ds, and 5 year old daughter as well. I strongly urge you to read raising Godly tomatoes. You can read the whole book online at raisinggodlytomatoes.com

 

It's really been a blessing here

:iagree:I heard it's good and I'm next in line for book. We are sharing it amongst our little circle of moms!

[HSM-Crissy]

Mine will not be a favored response but when they get really bad I come up with hard labor for them to do where I don't have to supervise and listen to it. I have sent them outside to weed, pick lint from the space between floorboard and carpet, wash cupboards, wash windows. The next time I hear whining I always ask if there is something else I could find for them to do the response is usually no and attitudes are greatly improved the next day. Not one of my kids likes to do school work but it must get done. There is no reason I should have to listen to them complain about something I have worked very hard to put together for them.

 

If it is really just minor whining and complaining perhaps explain to her that everyone has a job to do and hers is school. No, she may not want to but daddy I'm sure would rather stay home and mommy would like to not to have to do laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning and then school too. We all have our HAVE TO'S and school is hers. Good Luck I hope its gets better and you get lots of great advice.

 

I agree with you! I read somewhere or heard this somewhere, but I totally agree with it... "Hard work builds character". I recently started schooling my almost 5 y.o. and she has complained during writing/penmanship time. I have told her if she wants to whine and complain, she can just do more or do it a second time. She usually takes her own sweet hokey time and does it. At the same time, I let her help me make a couple the rules for school...one being, finish all work (her suggestion) I kindly remind her of the rule. I tell her the more time she takes whining and complaining, the more she will have to sit there. I don't think she's into needing the hard labor yet, b/c she usually gets her act together and does it. But, I have it mentally noted for the future!

[Homeschooling6]

As a Christian I bring in the Bible. I let them know that whining is not pleasing to God, me or dad. It is not glorifying the Lord.

I will also mention that dad works very hard. He works five days a week and he doesn't complain. Dad works hard for us and we need to appreciate all he does.

School and work is a part of life, we should be thankful we have the opportunity to school at home and the freedom to learn.

Whining is not acceptable behavior. The children know this and I don't let them get away with whining. Thankfully they don't complain or whine about school.

[Jean in CA]

I agree with mysticamethyst. Hard labor does wonders. For a 7-year old, you could have her mop the floors (with rags), clean the bathrooms, pull weeds, wash windows, for the entire day. If you have a farm, you'll have even more fun options to choose from!

 

Even if they beg to do school, you tell them, no. It is privilege to "school at home" and today is a work day.

 

This did wonders for my ds's attitude when he was 8.

[Gwenny]

Thanks for all the suggestions so far! In the past I have tried sending her to my room (there's nothing fun in there) for whining. I tell her she can come back when she is ready to work with a more cheerful attitude. The problem is that the time spent in my room makes her even more sullen. Do I just send her back again and again till she stops crying and slouching and moping while working. Maybe have her stand facing wall? I don't like to remove privileges, because she can't watch TV anyway, and I can't take away reading. I also don't like reward systems because I feel like good behavior should be expected whether rewarded or not. She knows that she has to get the work done, so she always does it, but it's that attitude that it is done with I want to correct.

 

I'm relieved to see that there are a lot of other whiners out there!

 

Gwen

[MeganW]

 

But even outside of school, she just has a lousy attitude. I brought her beautiful pink birthday cake home the morning of her 7th birthday party, and she looked at it and said, "Oh, I was hoping for orange." HONESTLY?!!! :001_huh:

 

 

"Oh, I am so sorry that you don't like it. You don't have to have any." And don't give it to her. Yes, at her birthday party. Once would do it.

[mjbucks1]

I thought I was the only one who had a dd with a bad attitude :lol: DD will be 10 soon, and she really is a negative person!! My husband always makes the kids tell him three good things that have happened to each of them each day, to try to get dd to focus on the positive. Now, she is MUCH better than she was at 7, but I would like to find the "key" to making her do her work cheerfully.....and not forced!! I do try to let her pick which subjects we do when (within reason) and this has helped. I have also tried what all the others have said....going to her room, pointing out scriptures about the subject, and more chores (but I do LOVE the idea of a work DAY :D). I wish there was a step by step process that would address this issue, but I don't think there is a magic cure. Just know you are not alone :)

[Guest LKL]

We're in the same boat here. I'm just surfing around trying to get suggestions for what to do with my 7 year old DD. I seriously am trying to decide if this homeschooling is the best thing for us to be doing, given her attitude to all things scholastic. I really don't want to send her to school but I also don't want to spend my time cajoling, encouraging, etc. constantly all day.

Any more suggestions would be appreciated. I'm putting my foot down more seriously but it feels so wrong somehow.

[justamouse]

start teaching gratitude. Make a journal, when they get crabby stop and ask what they are grateful for, if they are particularly crabb bummed, sign them up to volunteer to do stuff or do it with them.

[Farrar]

Hard labor isn't our style... but I will say that when we've gone through spates of whining, I just stop doing the fun stuff at least for a few days. It usually drives the message home pretty quick. Also, I just won't do anything they ask until they've asked again without a whiny hint to their voice. I really subscribe to the "go out and try again" theory of discipline. When the kids do anything that's wrong - whining, nearly running into people when walking, putting things away sloppily, etc. - I make them walk out of the room and come back in and pretend time has rewound and we're all getting a do-over where we get it right. For us, this has worked really well over the years to change behavior gently.

[Sweetbeebie]

All the above suggestions are great:) Those didn't work for my dd's(9,6)... The one thing that did was a discussion about her future, what kind of life/profession she was looking to do etc. From then I informed her that none of it would be possible without a good education and a huge effort on her part. If she wished to continue to be lazy and whine at every little request...I'm sure there is a fry basket at some burger joint that will be waiting for her instead.:D

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

.... duck tape?

 

Seriously, I send them to the bathroom. There is no tv, games, etc. I sit them there for a long time out.

 

 

I was watching Judge Judy the other day and a woman actually did this to her 10yo step-daughter. She was suing the mother and ex-wife for slander because she called CPS on her for using duct tape.

[OregonNative]

My DD is the SAME way! However, she is 9 and it started 2 years ago. It has become much worse (due to my not being consistent and taking the lazy route)!

If your Christian there is a fabulous book called Don't Make Me Count to Three. There is also a little companion called Wise Words For Moms by the same author. The reason I like these books is because it's not just about correcting the childs behavior. It deals with the heart so that children will look inside of themselves to understand why their behavior was wrong. Not that you just say it's wrong and they are disciplined.

 

Love and Logic is a good book too.

 

If all else fails, check this post.

Edited September 26, 2010 by OregonNative

[robsiew]

Does my 6 y/o live with you? ;)

 

First of all, I sympathize... no I can actually empathize with you! I was wondering this exact thing this week with my 6 y/o ds. He hates everything to do with school. Even when we do something "fun" like make cookies (like we did on Friday) he will say he's not having fun. I told the kids were were going to do something fun and they could eat it the next day... (this was Thursday night). My 6 y/o got really excited and was obsessing about it, like he does.... then Friday morning came and I explained what we would be doing.. making edible cookie crosses that they could "paint" with egg yolk paint (with coloring in it). After my explanation he said, "So, when do we get to do our fun eating thing?" I could have slapped him! He was serious. None of my other kids act like this, so I know it's just him.

 

I don't know that I have any ideas for you as I am dealing with the same thing. I do punish him now for disrespectful behavior and I must say his attitude. I don't expect him to love everything, but he can at least not make it miserable for the rest of us. I anticipate a year much like yours last year.... I need to read more responses to figure out what to do!

 

But, don't beat yourself up about it. It's her, not you! We do need to figure out how to train these little ones though! :grouphug:

[Hedgehogs4]

Gwen - I'm beginning to wonder if you kidnapped my child! :lol:

 

We are having similar attitude problems over here, too. As far as school goes, the attitude was only in math, but we switched her from CLE math to Singapore math, and that seems to have fixed it. But before we made the change, her Daddy told her that if he got wind of her complaining during school, she could redo it with him when he got home from work, plus do another lesson on top of it. He's a coach, so he doesn't cut her too much slack with her bad attitude. Plus, since he's a public school teacher, his philosophy is you wouldn't disprespect Mrs. So-and-So if you went to public school, so you don't disprespect your mother, either.

 

But even outside of school, she just has a lousy attitude. I brought her beautiful pink birthday cake home the morning of her 7th birthday party, and she looked at it and said, "Oh, I was hoping for orange." HONESTLY?!!! :001_huh:

 

Lately I've noticed how much I contribute to this by reacting (and, frankly, if I give her a performance, she's going to demand an encore) and even just by constantly reasoning and explaining. It's like she never has real consequences, just lots of lectures. So I've been trying to give more immediate results. For example, when she uses harsh words with her sister, she now spends the remainder of the day in the guest bedroom because she's not being a loving member of our family and working to keep peace in our home. When she complains, she has to write three things she is thankful for in a gratitude journal, and she can't repeat anything she has already written.

 

Whether any of this actually works remains to be seen, so I'm very curious to hear what others have to say. But I always have to remind myself that SHE is not my enemy - her sinful behavior is. And my job is to TRAIN her, frustrating as that job can be! :001_smile:

 

:iagree: i think we love our kids so much that we forget that "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him." as proverbs says. it is our job to correct and train, even attitudes. in our house, a lousy attitude is considered disobedient, and consequences result from not obeying quickly and cheerfully. that doesn't mean that they have to be giddy and thrilled to be obeying--they don't even have to like it, but they have to have the heart attitude of submission to Godly authority. we as parents have the responsibility to not place unreasonable expectations on our children or arbitrary things just because "i said so." we teach and meditate on the fruit of the spirit often.

 

basically, to the OP, i have to say that this is ultimately a heart issue. if you are willing to say that a child is a sinner, then you have the responsibility to point that out to the child and correct that, even if it is painful.

[Hedgehogs4]

We're in the same boat here. I'm just surfing around trying to get suggestions for what to do with my 7 year old DD. I seriously am trying to decide if this homeschooling is the best thing for us to be doing, given her attitude to all things scholastic. I really don't want to send her to school but I also don't want to spend my time cajoling, encouraging, etc. constantly all day.

Any more suggestions would be appreciated. I'm putting my foot down more seriously but it feels so wrong somehow.

 

DON'T think that homeschooling is the problem. HSing is only revealing the problem. i think that many people say "i could never hs" because they really don't want to deal with their kids when they see how crummy their behavior and heart attitudes are. They only want to see the good. a kid in a classroom will not reveal their heart attitude to a teacher, will fly under the radar, etc, but they cannot hide these things from a loving parent who is truly trying to guide them in what is right and best for them. Then the teen years come and the problem has festered unbeknown to the parent who has been conveniently absent. suddenly they have a monster. no...kids don't suddenly transform into monsters. they have to grow up into monsters, or grow up into healthy adults. which do we want?

[Momma H]

Does my 6 y/o live with you? ;)

 

First of all, I sympathize... no I can actually empathize with you! I was wondering this exact thing this week with my 6 y/o ds. He hates everything to do with school. Even when we do something "fun" like make cookies (like we did on Friday) he will say he's not having fun. I told the kids were were going to do something fun and they could eat it the next day... (this was Thursday night). My 6 y/o got really excited and was obsessing about it, like he does.... then Friday morning came and I explained what we would be doing.. making edible cookie crosses that they could "paint" with egg yolk paint (with coloring in it). After my explanation he said, "So, when do we get to do our fun eating thing?" I could have slapped him! He was serious. None of my other kids act like this, so I know it's just him.

 

I don't know that I have any ideas for you as I am dealing with the same thing. I do punish him now for disrespectful behavior and I must say his attitude. I don't expect him to love everything, but he can at least not make it miserable for the rest of us. I anticipate a year much like yours last year.... I need to read more responses to figure out what to do!

 

But, don't beat yourself up about it. It's her, not you! We do need to figure out how to train these little ones though! :grouphug:

 

 

That is exactly what my 5 year old adopted son does! What is the deal?! I can not quite figure out what makes him tick. He obsesses on things and then is let down (even when the thing IS really cool). Sigh.

[UmMusa]

Good to know we're each not alone in the bad attitude department!

 

I can see you're trying to get her to be more positive in general. She might just be a negative person, so try to work with that. Maybe make a point to praise her more than you correct her (and not just cheerleader stuff, but genuine praise).

Maybe *don't* give her too many options. Tell her what the plan for the day is and where her breaks are.

I repeat a lot how I want good attitudes while we're working please. "if you can't have a good attitude you will get some extra work to do".

When my DS9 totally messes up an afternoon lesson, I have him write a page of "I will not disrupt History class". And we put that sheet in his folder too!!!

 

It isn't easy, and I think each stage has its challenges. Hopefully she'll come out of it.

[monalisa]

DON'T think that homeschooling is the problem. HSing is only revealing the problem. i think that many people say "i could never hs" because they really don't want to deal with their kids when they see how crummy their behavior and heart attitudes are. They only want to see the good. a kid in a classroom will not reveal their heart attitude to a teacher, will fly under the radar, etc, but they cannot hide these things from a loving parent who is truly trying to guide them in what is right and best for them. Then the teen years come and the problem has festered unbeknown to the parent who has been conveniently absent. suddenly they have a monster. no...kids don't suddenly transform into monsters. they have to grow up into monsters, or grow up into healthy adults. which do we want?

 

I have a 7.5 dd with similar characteristics described on this thread (though she isn't always sullen, but she does hate most schoolwork other than history & science). This week we had a doozy of a fit, and for most of that day was seriously thinking "maybe she should go back to Christian private school." But in the back of my mind is the thought of shoving the problem under the rug only to see it explode in a teenager out of control. Thanks for your posts, because it reminds me of the truth!

[creekmom]

I have a son (7) who wakes up whiny almost daily! I have really been focusing my energy in trying to stop his "habit". In fact, the other morning he was super quiet before breakfast, and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, " I don't want to say anything bc I'm scared it's going to come out whiny!" :lol:

 

If he's whiny during school, I immediately write his name on the board. He knows this is his warning. A visible warning is more effective than a verbal one. Usually, this stops the behavior. If not, he gets a check by his name. He knows this means he goes to bed early. He HATES to go to bed before his siblings, so this is a good consequence. Plus, I get to say, "If you're whiny, you obviously need more sleep!" More checks on the board mean an even earlier bedtime. Now, if this is not a big enough consequence for your dc, you would need to do something else. Just make sure the "pain factor" is there. If she shrugs her shoulders, you know you have to find a different consequence that will motivate her.

 

As far as rewards go, he has been wanting his friend to spend the night for a while now, so I've told him that if he can go one week without whining, his friend can spend the night. I think it's important to give consequences and rewards to get the behavior you want.

Edited September 26, 2010 by creekmom

[Little Nyssa]

Hi, I am not the queen of solving whining, but I do have these thoughts...

Most of the time when dc are whining, they are actually telling me one of the following:

 

1. I didn't get enough sleep

2. I'm hungry

3. I need a change of scene

4. I need to go potty and I haven't realized it yet

5. I need some physical activity or fresh air

 

If I keep on top of these issues, I note a lot less whining.

[Celia]

I tell my ds that I'm not going to waste my time teaching a child who doesn't want to learn, and send him to his room until he can come out with a happy face.

[easyasxyz]

Hmmm...my ds is like this (grouchy/whiny) at 3.5. I keep telling myself that it's the age, but I'm starting to think it's somewhat his personality. If we had a great time going somewhere, if you ask him if he had fun he'll say "Well, not really, .... (and go into what went wrong, etc).

 

I'm taking notes on these posts so I can work on this habit with him.

[JessReplanted]

I need someone to tell me what to do or say to turn her attitude around. In general, she is just grouchy and pessimistic. If she can't get the kickstand on her bike up, instead of nicely asking for help, she whines and cries. If her house of blocks falls, she cries and sometimes flings herself to the ground.

 

In our family, we label this behavior as 'not appropriate', and it needs to be changed immediately, or there will be consequences for it. We also encourage them to 'use your words' when they are upset. It's o.k. to be frustrated, but it's not o.k. to have a temper tantrum.

 

I also try to use positive reinforcements through a sticker chart (kids get a sticker when they demonstrate that they are following God's rules - we have a list of 8 - and then when the chart is full they each get $5). And I also think it's really important to use your child's 'currency'. For my 7 year old son it is his video game. He is allowed to play after school is done only if he has worked 1. diligently, & 2. with a good attitude.

[IsabelC]

What I do is

 

1. Check that the child's needs have been met. Is this child hungry, thirsty, hot, tired, unwell, etc? Address whatever applies with a snack, a walk outside, a snuggle, or whatever. (As Little Nyssa said, a lot of the time this will fix the issue.)

 

2. Give 'em a break. He's having a bad day, coming down with a cold, etc, so how can I reduce the demands I am making? Perhaps I can offer more help, or not ask him to do so much today. We school 365 days per year, so unless the kids are actually unconscious, they will do something schooly every day. But I might make it a very token amount and not expect any new material to be learnt.

 

3. Crack down on 'em. No whining tolerated. If she whinges at the table, she leaves the table. If she spends 20 minutes whinging before doing a simple task I have asked her to do, then we might no longer have time for an activity she was looking forward to.

 

I know #3 appears to contradict #2, but I do them in that order. So that once I have ensured that they don't have unmet needs, and that I am only making minimal demands on them, I will enforce basic boundaries.

 

If the whininess follows a predictable pattern, we will consider changing the routine around that time. Eg ds7 used to be horrible in the mornings. We had a list of things he had to do, eg get properly dressed, make his bed, and it was a regular flashpoint. We eventually realized that he needs to eat before he can function well in the mornings (he has a very fast metabolism, and dh was the same as a child). So we decided that he just has to be wearing something (ie put clothes on if he has been sleeping naked, but can come to the table in pyjamas if he has been sleeping in them), and everything else can be done after breakfast. Mornings are much smoother now.

[ClassicalTwins]

How to fix I don't know, but here is one book I could not resist

 

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Six-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506743

 

I've not read but if it is anything like the 6yr old it should be good:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Seven-Year-Old-Life-Minor-Key/dp/0440506506/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285555242&sr=1-1

[kristavws]

I agree with mysticamethyst. Hard labor does wonders. For a 7-year old, you could have her mop the floors (with rags), clean the bathrooms, pull weeds, wash windows, for the entire day. If you have a farm, you'll have even more fun options to choose from!

 

:iagree: My boys both like school, and rarely whine about it. There are other things they whine about, however. My motto is if you have the energy to whine, you have the energy to work. We do have a farm, so there is always you-know-what that could be shoveled somewhere on our property!

 

Krista

Edited September 27, 2010 by kristavws