S/O children's behavior, sort of

[newlifemom]

So we have recently moved. [End of May] We have finally purchased a home! Yay! This home is on a standard city lot. Officially we are just outside of city limits, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I could reach out my kitchen window for a cup of sugar from my neighbors, KWIM?

 

So the kids are so happy that that have flat ground. They have been riding their bikes all around the yard and playing all manner of games. Pirates, bad guys etc. [Can you tell I have a boy? :D]

 

They are loud. I get on them for screaming as it really is disconcerting to hear a child scream and then find out they were just playing tag. However, for the most part, they aren't any louder than anywhere else we have lived.

 

Apparently my back fence neighbor, who has to very yippy dogs and likes to talk on the phone outside loud enough for me to really listen to her conversation if I wanted, I don't, is not pleased with my children.

 

Now she has not said anything to me, but she has made a couple of mean remarks to my kids. Today she said, "Quit your yelling!" to them. Of course, I am totally wanting to go mama bear. I know though that my kids can get loud. They have some big imaginations and when they get going, well, it's loud. I don't know that they are necessarily louder than anyone else's children.

 

Since we are in the house permanently, [i'd need a burning bush experience to move again.] I want to be pleasant and friendly. I am annoyed right now which is why I am here and not out there 'talking'. :D

 

My friend thought that maybe a well-timed mini lecture [lovingly done of course] reminding the children that screaming without a serious crisis is not acceptable, would be the best way to handle it. She would overhear me reminding them to not scream and know that I wanted them to be considerate.

 

What say you?

[Snickerdoodle]

Outside during normal business hours I'd say it was ok for loud play.

[dangermom]

But screaming is never OK unless someone is missing a limb. It's natural for kids to play pretty loudly, but most of them have to be trained not to scream.

[TxMama]

Outside during normal business hours I'd say it was ok for loud play.

:iagree::iagree:

[Wheres Toto]

Unless it's very early or very late; or a neighbor nicely comes over and explains an unusual situation where they would like quiet during certain hours (shift work, sleeping babies, etc.) I don't think they need to be quiet. Kids need to be able to play and they should not have to use quiet, indoor voices playing outside in their own yard during daytime hours.

 

Next time she was outside talking on the phone loudly, I'd be tempted to go out there and ask her to keep it down since I had no desire to know the details of her conversation. But, that's just me. ;)

 

If I wanted to maintain good neighbor relations, I guess I would go talk to her about it. Ask her if there were certain hours she would prefer more quiet (does she work from home or is she gone during the day so a compromise could be reached?). But, explain to her that they are children (and boys!) and they will get loud when they play. Maybe reassure her that once you resume schooling, that they will be spending more time inside (if that is true in any way). Tell her that in return you would appreciate her keeping her dogs from being too loud during school hours and not letting the whole neighborhood in on her conversations. :D

 

Edited to add: I would also tell her it is not acceptable for her to yell at my children. If she has a problem, she would need to come talk to me.

[newlifemom]

But screaming is never OK unless someone is missing a limb. It's natural for kids to play pretty loudly, but most of them have to be trained not to scream.

 

They were pretty loud a couple of times and I corrected that. I am constantly explaining that to them. Sometimes though the play gets so involved that they are yelling [not screaming, but yelling] to be heard over each other. :tongue_smilie:

 

The other day, it was just a mess of kids, mine and my friends playing pirates. They were loud, but not yelling and certainly not screaming.

 

I think the other thing is that this neighborhood is older. The only other family with kids that I can see are next door and their youngest is 13. Most are retired. The woman who lived her for 30 years was in her 80s and then she moved into an assisted care facility last fall, so the house was vacant for quite a while. I kind of wonder if she is not used to kids. :confused:

 

My kids aren't perfect, but they are pretty good and they are respectful to others, particularly their elders and I don't think they are louder than any other kids.

 

FWIW, I have not met this woman at all. There are hedges and trees that separate us and I cannot see her.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I would tell her firmly, "No, ma'am. Children are to run and play and enjoy their childhood. It is essential to their health, happiness, and growth. You won't hear them before 8 a.m. or after 8 p.m., and they will certainly stay off of your lawn and refrain from annoying your visitors, but this is their home and they will indeed be normal children here."

 

I live on an elderly street and our neighbors had to get used to us. Now I saw nothing about the incessant leaf blowers and riding mowers and they say nothing about the hollering and the bicycles. Time will prove to her that your children are respectful and kind (I assume) and by their teen years the neighbors will be quite proud of those good children next door!

 

This has been our happy ending, anyway :)

[Laurie4b]

 

I think the other thing is that this neighborhood is older. The only other family with kids that I can see are next door and their youngest is 13. Most are retired. The woman who lived her for 30 years was in her 80s and then she moved into an assisted care facility last fall, so the house was vacant for quite a while. I kind of wonder if she is not used to kids. :confused:

 

.

 

I'm guessing that this is it: the neighborhood has grown used to a kind of quiet that is not possible when kids are around. Since she is not used to it, it will seem far out of the normal range to the neighbor.

 

It is also a generational thing. My mother has zero tolerance for noise from kids. Part of that is probably estrogen-related (many women find that noise is physiologically aversive/painful in perimenopause or menopause. That happened to me, unfortunately.) and part of it is cultural (children are to be seen, not heard: ie children are not to disrupt adults who are the important ones.) My mother (and she says many of her friends) think our generation raises our kids much too leniently and they do not approve and feel justified in letting others know be it only in disapproving facial expressions.

 

I'm not sure what to do about it because I doubt if you will change her. I would be polite and take the initiative in making friends: invite her to dinner, take a loaf of homemade bread or a bouquet of flowers from your yard to her, etc. Offer to help her where you see she might need it. In other words, build relationship in any way you can. I might also say that it must be hard getting used to the normal noise of children after having no children around for years.

I'd do that immediately. If your whole relationship starts out over noise levels, it's not going to be pleasant. Reaching out may not work, but it's your best shot.

[Mergath]

I'm sort of in the middle on this one. Yes, kids shouldn't have to run around whispering to one another, but at the same time, they should be taught that, out of respect for the people around them, it's better not to yell all the time in a neighborhood where the houses are close together.

 

We have a similar problem here. We have a large family living two houses down, and during the non-winter months, they're all outside yelling and running around all day long. We can hear it through the closed windows and over both the CD player and our noisy old AC. I think some people just don't realize how much sound carries. And honestly, I don't mind it once in awhile, but when it's most of the day, day after day after day, I just want a break from all the yelling.

 

Also, I worry that if a child in the neighborhood was in trouble somehow, either injured or being abducted or something like that, no one would so much as bother to look out their window because we've all gotten so desensitized to the yelling and screaming.

 

Since you're planning on living here for a long time, my advice would be to work with your kids on a little noise reduction. If your neighbors are annoyed, they're probably too loud, honestly.

[LauraGB]

Honestly, I would remind your dc to consider that everyone around them are old and when they hear screaming, they call 911. I say this because I've had to remind my own kids that a time or two myself as my dc are loud and everyone within hearing distance is old. After I talk to the kids, were I you, I would find an edible peace offering (preferably one you and the dc make) and tote it over (by yourself) to the lady and introduce yourself. Turn on the charm and go from there.

 

Our neighbor has watched our children grow up from babies through her window. She has watched our dog poop on her lawn. Then, when that dog died, she watched the other one poop on her lawn. She used to come outside a lot and we'd chat about all the neighbors. She'd eschew the poop and the screaming kids because she's had dogs and kids herself and understands that some things can't be completely controlled. The kids would knock on her door and offer her stuff from our garden. For the past year she's been too old to come outside much, and it's kind of sad, but we wave to her when we see her looking out the window. But I think if she had never actually met us, ALL of those things would have gotten us into a lot of trouble (as, I admit, they kind of should, especially about the dog bit - but we pick it up right away (just a disclaimer :leaving:).

[Ali in OR]

We have 5 houses that are very close to our backyard. Our neighbor works at night and sleeps during the day. My kids don't really play loudly, but they will occasionally scream if they don't like something their sister did. I will not tolerate screaming in this set-up. It's only okay to scream if you are being kidnapped or attacked by a pit bull or something severe like that. I don't want neighbors thinking some horrible thing is happening when it's usually something like "she dumped sand on my head." So if I hear screaming, they come inside. Outdoor play is over. I haven't heard screaming in awhile now...

[micheller1]

We have pretty much the only kids on our block and the one behind us. we have just a chain link fence between our neighbors behind us. We have a no screaming policy. But that's as far as it goes. No screaming - like someone just killed you or ripped off your arm or beat with you stick - unless one of those things actually just occurred. And if screaming does occur, the appropriate offender needs to come sit in the house for a few minutes.

It's only fair to me because I want to respond appropriately to screaming. Constant screaming means I won't respond if they really are in trouble. As far as loud playing, they are kids. Outside voices belong outside imo.

Good luck:)

[newlifemom]

Thanks everyone. Dh and I are working with the kids. They really enjoy their play. :D I am going to remind them tomorrow [outside and quite clearly] that they are to remember, "screaming is only for emergencies." Maybe I will also let them know the consequences for screaming with no emergency. As far as taking something over, I will have to think about that for a while. It might be a good idea, but it might work better after they have improved their outside voices a bit. ;)

[LibraryLover]

I'd go over and say hi and introduce myself. Maybe bring some cookies or muffins. I think it's a lot harder to be mean to people you know, as opposed to 'strangers' trying to 'disrupt your life'.

[Harriet Vane]

Outside during normal business hours I'd say it was ok for loud play.

 

:iagree:

 

I live in a congested city neighborhood too. I agree that kids should not scream as though being threatened or in pain, but other than that the excited yelling and noises that come with kids' play is normal and acceptable for waking hours (8-8ish).

[Parrothead]

But screaming is never OK unless someone is missing a limb. It's natural for kids to play pretty loudly, but most of them have to be trained not to scream.

:iagree: No screaming in the house, no screaming outside.

Thanks everyone. Dh and I are working with the kids. They really enjoy their play. :D I am going to remind them tomorrow [outside and quite clearly] that they are to remember, "screaming is only for emergencies." Maybe I will also let them know the consequences for screaming with no emergency. As far as taking something over, I will have to think about that for a while. It might be a good idea, but it might work better after they have improved their outside voices a bit. ;)

I wouldn't embarrass the kid by disciplining them outside where the neighbor can here you. But be sure to follow through with what ever consequences you have decided. Sounds like you have already reminded them several times and now the neighbor has "reminded" them too.

 

Go talk to the neighbor, let her know that your kids are new to a city environment and you are working on it. Also tell her that you would appreciate it that she speak to you instead of speaking directly to your children. Then give her a heads up that you can hear her end of the telephone conversations in the house when she talks in the yard. Not that you are complaining, but you want her to know that she may not want to carry on about anything private.

[swellmomma]

But screaming is never OK unless someone is missing a limb. It's natural for kids to play pretty loudly, but most of them have to be trained not to scream.

 

 

I agree completely. My kids can be loud outside, but I do make sure they are not screaming as that is more disturbing to neighbors than simply loud play. Because our house is so tiny they have to be quiet at mice inside so I like that they can be louder outside.

[Mommamia]

Don't know if this will help, but my dad(who is a senior) can't stand kids. He grumbles and mumbles everytime they are around. Your neighbor reminded me of him. Maybe there would be no pleasing her.