Advice for my 11 yo dd's dilemma....CC

[sheryl]

My 11 yo dd has a friend who is her age. My dd is 6 mo older, but both are rising 6th graders.

 

"Jackie" (name changed) is also an only child. The girls have that in common and play well together being close in age.

 

Lately my dd has been telling me she does not want to go back up to their house. Here's the background.

 

Jackie's mom "moved in" with the man of the house. He shares custody of his two teens with his ex-wife, so sometimes they are there and other times not. Sometimes it's only man, mom and Jackie.

 

1. I'm not thrilled of teaching my dd that this man and woman are not married, but "living together" as such. Now I happen to like the mom and she's friendly. We've visited a few times. But, it's the message this is sending to my dd.

 

2. This is the main reason why I'm posting. My dd's convictions are shining which are good. She is hating to go visit in their house b/c Jackie and her Mom use "bad" words that we don't use here.

 

I've encouraged her to be a "light" on a hill, to be a walking letter of Christ. Then the other part of me says that I need to trust God working in her and she HATES to visit anymore and maybe it's better she doesn't.

 

What would you do? I try to teach her to love the sinner and hate the sin. We're all sinners. Some of us are saved, others in the world are not.

 

How on earth would you handle this?

[FriedClams]

Have Jackie to your house to play ad hang out. I would not allow my 11 year old to spend time at the home of an unmarried man - live in girlfriend or not. You can have the mom and live in to your home for dinner, invite Jackie and her family to church with you, work on the relationship - on your terms and in your home.

[Starr]

I would not encourage a child to go visit a household that doesn't feel right to her.

[fairfarmhand]

I've been in a similar position. My dd's best friend's parents divorced. The mom does overnights with a guy; so my dh and I decided that my dd will not be around the mother unless I am present. Now the daughter is more than welcome to come here and we love having her around, but we just don't know what my dd might be exposed to. I love that lady, and was good friends with her, but her life choices have caused me to limit our family's contact with her.

 

I don't know if that was the right decision or not, but that is what we came up with. If your dd is uncomfortable with it, then I would not push her to go past her own comfort zone. She needs to learn to trust her conscience on things like this.

[fhjmom]

Have Jackie to your house to play ad hang out. I would not allow my 11 year old to spend time at the home of an unmarried man - live in girlfriend or not. You can have the mom and live in to your home for dinner, invite Jackie and her family to church with you, work on the relationship - on your terms and in your home.

 

I would not encourage a child to go visit a household that doesn't feel right to her.

 

:iagree:

[simka2]

My dd would not be going back so long as she was uncomfortable. Not because the couple is unmarried, but because she is uncomfortable!!! I want to raise a woman who trusts her gut!

[sheryl]

OK, those are my opinions too. I guess I thought we could "witness" to them, or my dd, when she visits, but I agree I need to stop this.

 

2 more questions from those who answered:

 

1. Jackie is desperately asking my dd to spend the night.

 

What do I communicate to Jackie and/or Mom? How? What do I say to them regarding everyday play visits AND sleepovers?

[rwjx2khsmj]

I've encouraged her to be a "light" on a hill, to be a walking letter of Christ. Then the other part of me says that I need to trust God working in her and she HATES to visit anymore and maybe it's better she doesn't.

 

What would you do? I try to teach her to love the sinner and hate the sin. We're all sinners. Some of us are saved, others in the world are not.

 

How on earth would you handle this?

 

I'd teach my daughter to trust her "still small voice" and I'd provide her the support she needs to make difficult decisions. Saying "no" to a friend is never an easy thing. Knowing where you are comfortable and uncomfortable and setting those boundaries with loving support is a skill we can help our children develop. Too many adults suffer today because they were not supported as children in saying no and setting healthy boundaries. Christian children can be "light" without putting themselves in positions that are potentially harmful.

 

My vote is that you give your daughter a safe place to play at home. Allow her to invite "Jackie" over when it's good for you and encourage "Jackie" to follow your rules, in your house. As long as the friendship can work this way, it's fine. If "Jackie" becomes unable to follow your rules or makes demands that your daughter come to her home, it's time to let that friendship go.

[rwjx2khsmj]

1. Jackie is desperately asking my dd to spend the night.

 

What do I communicate to Jackie and/or Mom? How? What do I say to them regarding everyday play visits AND sleepovers?

 

"You are welcome to play/spend the night here, Jackie, but I want dd to play and sleep at home."

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that if not, that issue is pretty easy--"We just do don't sleepovers in our family."

 

Regarding the playdates, I'm confused as to how long this situation has been in effect. Have the mom and BF been living together for a long time, or is this a recent change? If it's new, I would suggest having a frank but warm discussion with the mom about it. If it's old, I'm not sure why this is coming forward now, but you could express your expectation that your DD be supervised/chaperoned by the mom continuously.

[LND1218]

I would not encourage a child to go visit a household that doesn't feel right to her.

 

Whatever the reason is doesn't matter!! She may be in her 11 year old mind trying to figure out what makes her uncomfortable. It may have nothing to do with your beliefs. Or it may.

 

It could be her beliefs are being offended or it could be that there is something about him and the teens that she isn't "comfortable" with.

 

Teach her to trust her God given instinct and discernment.

 

When I was about her age, there was a man at our church who I couldn't stand. He lead our children's programs and everyone loved him. He was well respected and trusted. He was young, handsome, energetic, charismatic, well dressed, etc. He wasn't creepy or weird at all. He was your boy next door all American type of young man. There was something about it that bothered me. I honestly thought something was wrong with me. I tried to like him, but I couldn't. I tried to approach him and talk to him in Sunday School because everyone else did. But the man repulsed me. It was weird. I just didn't like to be near him. My feelings were dismissed.

 

A couple years ago, I found out he was convicted of molesting many of the kids at our church. :001_huh::eek:

 

I spent years not trusting myself and my instincts, but once I heard that, I knew I was right. And I started trusting myself again.

[sheryl]

The Mom has said that her dd "Jackie" would like my dd to spend the night. I'm backed into a corner where I have to address this directly to the Mom....any thought?

[Joanne]

I'm confused and trying to get clarification before I post to content.

 

Is this because he gives you the creeps?

Is it because he'll be the only adult?

Is it because you are against sleepovers?

Is it the living together?

[fairfarmhand]

The Mom has said that her dd "Jackie" would like my dd to spend the night. I'm backed into a corner where I have to address this directly to the Mom....any thought?

 

I might say

 

"well this is a rather awkward conversation that I'd rather not have, but I have to mention it now that you've asked. My dd is uncomfortable being at your house; I'm not sure why exactly. It may have something to with your "friend". I really think she is not sure about your status since we've taught her since she was small that people need to be married before they live together, as the Bible says. We really like the girls playing together, and she loves her friend, but my dd would rather stay at my house or meet at a neutral place. I hate having this conversation because I like you and my intention is not to offend you, but to simply give you the information. Above all, I like our girls being friends and playing together."

 

Then get ready for the tomatoes and the label "judgemental christian" that will inevitably be thrown you direction.

[sheryl]

I might say

 

"well this is a rather awkward conversation that I'd rather not have, but I have to mention it now that you've asked. My dd is uncomfortable being at your house; I'm not sure why exactly. It may have something to with your "friend". I really think she is not sure about your status since we've taught her since she was small that people need to be married before they live together, as the Bible says. We really like the girls playing together, and she loves her friend, but my dd would rather stay at my house or meet at a neutral place. I hate having this conversation because I like you and my intention is not to offend you, but to simply give you the information. Above all, I like our girls being friends and playing together."

 

Then get ready for the tomatoes and the label "judgemental christian" that will inevitably be thrown you direction.

 

Right, got it. This is good and it's sound advice to point to the Bible as my foundation. They are both nice people. But, nice doesn't earn a place in eternity. Well, will commit this prayer. We have invited this girl to my dd's church fun night. She came and had fun. Jackie has spent the night/sleepover. She's questioning why everything has to be here! Oh mercy!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have Jackie to your house to play ad hang out. I would not allow my 11 year old to spend time at the home of an unmarried man - live in girlfriend or not. You can have the mom and live in to your home for dinner, invite Jackie and her family to church with you, work on the relationship - on your terms and in your home.

 

I would not encourage a child to go visit a household that doesn't feel right to her.

 

:iagree:

[Mom22ns]

The Mom has said that her dd "Jackie" would like my dd to spend the night. I'm backed into a corner where I have to address this directly to the Mom....any thought?

 

I would never encourage my dd to spend time at a house where she is uncomfortable. If the mom backed me in a corner, I would simply say, "I'm sorry, dd doesn't want to come. Jackie is more than welcome to come to our house though." I would not give a reason unless she pushed further. If she persists, I would tell her dd just feels uncomfortable and while we certainly don't want to offend or end the friendship, she would rather play at her own house right now. I would feel that to say more than that would break mother/daughter confidentiality and would tell the other mom that if she was too pushy.

[Kathleen in VA]

I would not encourage a child to go visit a household that doesn't feel right to her.

 

I don't think an 11yo is really in a position to be "light" in a situation like this. She should be allowed to go with her gut instincts.

 

My dd would not be going back so long as she was uncomfortable. Not because the couple is unmarried, but because she is uncomfortable!!! I want to raise a woman who trusts her gut!

 

Precisely!!!

 

OK, those are my opinions too. I guess I thought we could "witness" to them, or my dd, when she visits, but I agree I need to stop this.

 

2 more questions from those who answered:

 

1. Jackie is desperately asking my dd to spend the night.

 

What do I communicate to Jackie and/or Mom? How? What do I say to them regarding everyday play visits AND sleepovers?

 

You've gotten good advice. I know it would be very awkward to have to deal with this and I feel for you. You don't want to sound judgmental but you must be discerning. I like what others have said about just putting it out there and letting the chips fall.

[Barry Goldwater]

My dd would not be going back so long as she was uncomfortable. Not because the couple is unmarried, but because she is uncomfortable!!! I want to raise a woman who trusts her gut!

:iagree: times infinite!!!

 

I also like the suggestion of pointing to the Bible concerning the co-habitation situation, IF PRESSED, and explained in love. Their entire family situation needs much prayer, but shouldn't involve compromising DD's comfort.

 

DD's angst might have something also to do with the 2 occasional teenage visitors...lots of question marks there. Continue your vigilance!

 

Sleep-overs are verbotin with our kids, too...too many headaches.

[woolybear]

I think the fact that she doesn't want to go there is reason enough. For me, end of story.

[Harriet Vane]

I would not encourage a child to go visit a household that doesn't feel right to her.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Carol in Cal.]

I agree very strongly with not pushing a child to go somewhere where she is uncomfortable.

 

However, I would want to 'own' the decision myself in talking with the other family, if for no other reason than to spare my child from being asked about it by the other mom and/or other child. I would far rather an 11 year old be questioned about why her mom won't let her come over than why she doesn't want to come over.

 

In fact, I have previously told DD that anytime she wants to she can say that her mom doesn't want her to do something recreational, and I will back her up. This is truthful because if she doesn't want to do something like that, I don't want her to do it either. I want her to be sustained in making good choices and in thinking things through, and I want her to feel somewhat sheltered from fallout so that she can develop her views and her courage. At the same time, I model speaking the truth in love, and so she is seeing that happening as well, but not having to do so herself in delicate situations like these.

[HeidiKC]

You'd said that the main reason your daughter doesn't want to go is the language Jackie and her mom use and that really it has nothing to do with the boyfriend. Obviously that part bothers you, but it sounds like you'd let her go and that she would like to go if they weren't using certain words.

 

I'm assuming these aren't SUPER bad words, but maybe words more like "butt", "shut up" or other impolite words related to the body or bathroom issues. So it's going to be a little touchy in a case like this where the mom probably doesn't consider them bad words. If they are actually BAD words, well HECK - she should completely understand and apologize!

 

So I think I'd tell the mom the truth - that you hope she understands you being honest with her about this and that it's a hard conversation to have. You aren't judging her but different families have different rules and when your daughter has been taught that certain things, such as using certain words, are unacceptable (and maybe she's been punished for them in the past), then she feels very awkward and uncomfortable being in a home where they are used. And that you don't want to force her since you're teaching her to follow her instincts.

 

I'm also wondering if it goes beyond language, and your daughter doesn't realize it. Nothing big, but maybe little things like topics of discussion, clothing choice, music choice? Just sort of the whole environment, which would also include the boyfriend thing. That must feel strange to kids.

 

I had to have a conversation with a mom the other day after my 10-year-old son was over there playing, and the older brother was in the bedroom with them and playing a rated M game - Tour of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The worst part was she walked in and said scolded him and he replied that the younger kids weren't watching, so she said "ok"!!! I was livid! What 10-yr-old boy wouldn't be interested in something like that, especially when he has no electronics at home. After reading about how terribly violent the game was I had to call her. I was so nervous and uncomfortable, but she was extremely apologetic and felt horrible about it, and blabbed on and on about what a good kid her son was, could she earn back my trust, etc. I felt bad! Anyway, my point is that it was a really hard call to make, but I am glad I did it because 1) I got it off my chest, 2) it helped her to see that she might want to think about what she exposes her son's friends to and 3) I feel fairly certain she will NEVER let anything like that happen again! And if she does, I won't feel one bit bad about saying, "Sorry, let's just do playdates at my house from now on".

 

Good luck!