Do you expect your kids to defend each other?

[helena]

I'm not talking about crazy out of control situations, my kids would come and tell me if something wrong was going on, (at least they have so far).

I'm thinking more of the normal (what ever that means :001_huh:), kids learning how to deal with each other being rude, teasing...

 

Do you think it's unfair to expect siblings to say "hey, lay off my sister/brother"?

 

Do you teach your kids to defend each other?

 

ETA

My 11yo is worried about loosing friends, and she is generally not good (her words) at speaking up. I'm wondering if I'm way off base telling her that it's unacceptable to cower from defending her sister. I just touched base with her again on the subject because summer is here and everyone is out playing, I want her to know where I stand. If a situation is out of control, I have no problem stepping in, and my 8yo does speak up for herself. I just feel like it's a character issue that need to be addressed. Or am I putting to much on her?? I don't think so, she's a solid girl who isn't fearful, shy, or passive. Ugg..

 

FWIW my kids are very close, they play together all night and day for the most part (with the occasional fight)

Edited June 21, 2010 by helena
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[Parrothead]

I've only got one, but yes, if we had had more I'd expect them to help each other out.

 

I do have a brother and our (his and my) philosophy was we could irritate and beat on each other all we wanted, but someone else doing it was not acceptable.

[5knights3maidens]

This is what happened here. When my 2 oldest were in elementary school, I was watching 2 other boys the same ages as mine. The one constantly bothered my #2 ds. Finally, one day, #1 ds punched this boy right in the nose and told him to lay off his brother. ;) The boy never touched him again and it didn't bother the mom. :001_smile:

It kind of shocked me because #1 ds was always very quiet and I always wondered if he would speak up or defend. Well, he did. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

My ds will stand up for his sister if she is really being bullied. But if she is being mildly teased, he would be participating. And she would react the same if it were more severe or mild, with major tears and drama. I am working on her standing up for herself with a calm (not dramatic) "Lay off. That hurts my feelings." or by (humorously) teasing back.

[lollie010]

I have never taught or trained them to defend each other, but I think it kind of comes from instinct. I was so proud of my dd who was 4 at the time her big brother was getting picked on at the park by another girl (about 6). She calmly walked up to the culprit with her hand on her hip and said "hey your pickin' on my bother and that hurts his feelings." She then grabbed her big brother's hand and said "come on let's go find some friends."

 

I stood by amazed. While I was trying to figure out how to approach the little girl or her mother, trying to figure out what I should say, she had already taken care of business.

[Sophia]

Do you think it's unfair to expect siblings to say "hey, lay off my sister/brother"?

 

Do you teach your kids to defend each other?

 

I absolutely expect my dc to look out for each other.

 

My 16 y.o. recently told a peer to "watch it, that's my little sister you're messing with" when said peer was being rude.

 

Several boys congratulated him for looking out for his family, AND a few girls said they wished they had big brothers like that.

 

I think sometimes it's better for older sibs to address something than for a parent to get involved.

 

Not always, but sometimes.

[Murphy101]

You bet.

 

And I've made it clear that I'd be terribly disappointed if they didn't do so.

 

I won't always be here.

 

I pray to God every day that they will have each other's backs for the rest of their long lives long after I'm gone.

[Parrothead]

I've got to say something as this thread brought back a horrid memory.

 

I am the oldest. And often enough my parents reminded me of my "responsibility" to look out for db if we were out alone together (we were pretty free-range kids). One 4th of July I was 11 and db would have been 8 and we went to the town fair grounds early for the face painting, and assorted other kid activities. I lost him. I spent 20 minutes looking for (that brat) him, and absolutely knew that it was my fault he was missing.

 

My mom showed up at the end of my search and I was in tears near hysterical. Luckily mom saw him with some friends and deducted that he ran off. She got me calmed down and the evening finished normally. I realized that while I was supposed to look out for him I wasn't responsible for he well being.

 

So while it is okay for them to look out for each other, make sure you kids all know who is really responsible for the kids of the family.

[helena]

I've got to say something as this thread brought back a horrid memory.

 

I am the oldest. And often enough my parents reminded me of my "responsibility" to look out for db if we were out alone together (we were pretty free-range kids). One 4th of July I was 11 and db would have been 8 and we went to the town fair grounds early for the face painting, and assorted other kid activities. I lost him. I spent 20 minutes looking for (that brat) him, and absolutely knew that it was my fault he was missing.

 

My mom showed up at the end of my search and I was in tears near hysterical. Luckily mom saw him with some friends and deducted that he ran off. She got me calmed down and the evening finished normally. I realized that while I was supposed to look out for him I wasn't responsible for he well being.

 

So while it is okay for them to look out for each other, make sure you kids all know who is really responsible for the kids of the family.

 

Thank you for sharing this. This is exactly what I don't want to do. I don't want to put an inappropriate amount of responsibility on her. The way I see it (in our particular situation), my 8yo needs to speak up for herself, 11yo ought to step in if they won't listen, they should come and get me if it's a bad situation. The other thing is they shouldn't want friend who are constantly saying and doing weird things. (Which is where I step in and keep them busy in other directions.)

[Haiku]

Yes. I tell my kids that their brother/sister will be their brother/sister longer than any friend they have will be their friend and that family comes first. We have a neighbor girl who is not very nice, and we have talked about the fact that my kids need to speak up for one another when she says rude things.

 

Tara

[Lilymax]

Oh, absolutely! They're usually good about that sort of thing, but they've also been taught that it's their job to look out for each other.

 

They're both very protective of the baby, too.

 

I got a friend request on FB the other day from a woman who was the mean little girl on the corner when we were growing up. She used to pick on my little sister, until I threatened to beat her up if she didn't stop.

 

She stopped. LOL It sounds like on FB that she's really doing great now, but I still hesitated to add her as a friend because she'll always be that neighborhood bully to me. :lol:

[Samiam]

We try to teach this to our children. NOT that one has to take "care" of the other...that's our responsibility as a parent...but that I'm talking if there is group of children and we don't happen to be around.

 

In our previous neighborhood, we had a really horrid family...the two boys were always hurting someone, using foul language....the parents were rarely outside to watch them. I would let my DS6 go out to play with neighborhood children on his own (on a cul-de-sac, in a gated community)..BUT if I knew these children were out, I would stay out and watch DS play....someone was ALWAYS hurt by these children. It wasn't accidents, it was taking toys from children, throwing footballs at their head when they weren't looking, punching in arm, etc etc etc.

 

Anyhoo, DS6 was often a victim to these boys. DS10 is a BIG kid for his age..taller than most and a bit on the heavy side. He is also very laid-back, quiet and a "follower"...always has been.

 

But we have told DS10 that he is NEVER to just stand there while DS6 is being hurt. We don't expect him to hurt anybody, but all it would take is to puff out his chest, and say in a mean voice "leave my brother alone". This is not something that would come easily to DS10, but something that is a character trait that should be worked on. He has done it a few times when needed, and kinda just stood there a few times when it was needed.

 

For that matter, my children are taught not to bully and taught that to stand there and watch while another child is being a bullied IS still being a bully, whether or not you say words or physically hurt the child. I don't expect them to intervene and stop every situation. But we have told them that sometimes just saying something like "hey, let's go do something else". can break up the gang mentality, as often many of the children standing there watching are feeling just as uncomfortable with it...and worse case, come in the house and tell us.

 

But to answer the question, yes I do believe siblings should "stand up for each other" when the need comes.

 

We had some really bad situations in our neighborhood with these boys (who were only age 9 and 6 at the time). They had a "victim of the week" it would seem. We are thankful to have moved from that neighborhood.

[Parrothead]

Thank you for sharing this. This is exactly what I don't want to do. I don't want to put an inappropriate amount of responsibility on her. The way I see it (in our particular situation), my 8yo needs to speak up for herself, 11yo ought to step in if they won't listen, they should come and get me if it's a bad situation. The other thing is they shouldn't want friend who are constantly saying and doing weird things. (Which is where I step in and keep them busy in other directions.)

Really you only need to tell her where her responsibility starts and stops. And the youngest needs to know the rules.

 

If db had the responsibility of telling me where he was going if he left me, things would have been so very different. And he may have gotten in trouble for running off. I don't remember. In the mind of an 11 year old, I wasn't in trouble so I didn't really care what happened to him after that. :D

 

Defending/protecting should have several options available. Always the option of grabbing younger by the collar and pulling him/her away should be given. Looking after gets difficult when younger realizes elder has no real power to discipline younger. At that point the only thing elder can do is inform of actions and whereabouts. While younger always has to let elder know whereabouts.;)

 

Oh, one more thing. Make sure elder dosn't feel the need to do chores for younger when younger sits around all afternoon watching tv. This could result in elder trying to get the garbage out of the house while wearing shorts. If any sharp objects are in the trash bag and the trash bag gets hung up going around a corner while in a rush to get the garbage out to the garbage truck that is one house away, the sharp object could cut open elders' leg for her trouble. Then to add insult to injury db could passes out from the sight of blood while trying to put a butterfly bandage on ds. Ask me how I know.

 

Can you tell we were latchkey kids?

Edited June 21, 2010 by Parrothead

[RobinF]

We expect our boys to do the right thing in situations and really expect them to look out for anyone who is younger than them. So if their siblings are being picked on, we expect them to either say something or come find an adult and sometimes both. But we also expect them to watch out for all those who are smaller and more defenseless than them. So they watch out for their brothers but they also watch out for any smaller children when they are playing.

 

If it is an instance with "friends" we emphasize that they will be brothers forever and that bond will be one that will be the strongest over time. We want them to be best friends and we try to foster that in them. Not that they don't fight but they are also the first one to stand up if one of them isn't being treated kindly.

[Daisy]

I've never had to teach my nearly 11yo to stick up for her 8yo brother. She would pound anyone who messed with her brother. LOL. I worry sometimes that she would be too aggressive in defending him.

 

I try not to make my daughter too responsible for her brother. After all he makes his own choices but he has been told numerous times to listen to her if she is giving wise advice. He often doesn't stop to think before acting and it is nice to know sister is going to speak up and say, "Hey, I don't think mom is going to like that."

 

But on the flip side there are plenty of times when she acts like a little mommy and I have to reign her in a bit.

Edited June 21, 2010 by Daisy

[scmama]

I have to agree with the other posters who talked about the difference in being responsible for your sibling and standing up for them. There is a huge difference between the two. My dad taught me (being the oldest of 4) that I was responsible for my sister. This stayed with me, well until about 3 yrs ago. My sister isn't very bright when it comes to common sense, but book smarts she has, street smarts, none!! I always felt that every bad decision she made, and the consequences that followed her, were my fault. I went to my father in tears at the very end, and told him I just couldn't do it no more, that I had my own family and that she had to learn on her own. My dad laughed at me, and told me that I took it too far, that she was an adult now, and I had to "LET GO" LOL! It's hard though when you are taught your entire life to look after some one in that way. 3 years later, I just throw my hands up, and shake my head.

 

I have the same issue in my house right now. My husband wants the oldest, my son, to be responsible over his brother and sister. To me, I see the same thing I went through growing up. So, no I don't want him to be "responsible" but I do want him to "protect" his siblings.

 

I think "protecting" them and "defending" them is entirely different from being "responsible" for them. I expect my son to defend his sister against boys picking on her or bullying her. But when it comes to girls picking on her, then she has to stand her own ground and defend herself. She has to learn to stand up for herself. And I think the same thing goes for the age. If an 8 yr old boy was picking on my 8 yr old daughter, she has to learn to deal with people her age. If she doesn't get through to him, then she should be able to tell her brother and he should have a talk with the other child. But I expect my 8 yr old daughter to defend her 3 yr old brother against a bullying 8yr child. Do you know what I mean??

 

I guess it just depends on how you and your family want to deal with these things. In my home, each child is responsible for themselves. They know right from wrong, and that there are consequences when you decide to do wrong. I was always taught that blood is thicker than water, so you defend and protect your family when the time comes. Friends come and go, but family is for LIFE. But you also have to watch the situation as well. If one child is causing problems with the neighborhood friends, so that their older sibling will come to their defense when the other's have had enough, then there's another conversation that needs to be had.

And my kids fight amongst themselves so much, but when the time comes, they are best friends, and they do love each other.

[Ester Maria]

Actually, I teach them something downright opposite from what was written in one of the earlier posts.

 

I teach them that they ARE partially responsible for each other if they're together somewhere (one child should NOT allow another child to do something stupid! - because yesterday it was toys, tomorrow it will be guys and drugs and all nights out), but that the burden of standing up for yourself is on the individual. I definitely do not expect either of my daughters - not even my very vocal firstborn that can be as fiery as I am and worse :D - to patronize the other one by "saving" them the need of saying NO themselves, of learning to estimate when to reply to a provocation and when to ignore, etc. Now - NOW and not in their late teens! - they need to learn these things, and some things in life just ARE "sink or swim". If they don't learn NOW how to stand up for themselves, for what they believe, what they want and don't want, their whole lives are going to be a lot harder.

 

Of course, if one of them was in a danger of being truly abused/bullied in some way or if the situation was inappropriate, I would definitely expect the other one to jump in the situation (because that would constitute the "being responsible for each other" part, not allowing your sister getting hurt or doing something stupid), but for the typical bickering among children - no way, that's an ideal situation to learn some of the life skills.

[Paige]

I teach mine to stick up for each other and for others. They should never stand silent while someone is being hurt. There's different ways of doing this- I'm not talking getting into fights- but to stay silent as if they agree should never be an option.

[AnitaMcC]

Do you teach your kids to defend each other?

 

 

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tell my kids that their siblings are for life... friends come and go. I tell my kids that in no way shape or form are they to tolerate anyone bullying their siblings (and they should also look out for others who are being bullied). They better stand up and help their siblings!!!!!! I expect them to use good judgement in doing so. Of course they will torture each other-LOL. I expect them to look out for each other (whether it is a bully picking on a sibling, or when sibling is about to do something stupid).

Edited June 21, 2010 by AnitaMcC

[Lisaroe]

I teach mine to stick up for each other and for others. They should never stand silent while someone is being hurt. There's different ways of doing this- I'm not talking getting into fights- but to stay silent as if they agree should never be an option.

 

My situation is backwards. My older two children have special needs and my youngest is "normal".

I have never had to really instruct my oldest on defending his younger siblings because by nature he is a defender. ( He would say something if someone was being picked on whether he knew the person or not) That said both my boys know that they have to be responsible for their sister since she is mentally retarded. As sad as this is to say- both know that if something happened to me they would have to take care of her.

 

Now my youngest - my husband, my parents, and myself have had many discussions on how he needs to stick up for others especially his brother. Recently, this came about when we discussed whether "normal" kids should be forced to go to school with special needs kids from preschool on- and he brought up a good point about me forceing my views on him. He said he doesn't really have a problem always being paired with the kids with behaviors or "odd" (his words) kids and he doesn't think its ok to put them down or shun them if they really don't get it or are trying to be good- but forcing him to defend or befriend someone makes him want to run for the hills- ( Again his words not mine)

So I know he struggles with defending his brother with adhd-

Now his sister is another story- I have seen him (a Very quiet kid) get in a girls face and tell her point blank that if she is not nice to his sister that he will make her life miserable after the girl bullied his sister. The girl has been nice since-

My daughter is a loving creature (a nurse by nature) She even will tell both my boys to be nice when they are teasing each other.

So long story short- I firmly believe children should be shown that all individuals need to be treated kindly but it can't be forced or your kids just recent you and the child you wanted them to defend.

[Jennifer in MI]

I've not taught this, but it's happened!!! I was so happy the other day when, my 9 yo came up to me, VERY angry, and told me that he heard some boys in my 12 yo's dugout making fun of ds12. I asked what he heard. Well, what he heard was just a bunch of 12 yo boys teasing my d.s. in fun (my d.s. is slow on the basepath (and he admits this!), but he can hit the ball like no other. So, he gets on base (often with a double), but then can only steal if a ball is WAY overthrown). My d.s. had just stolen 3rd and the boys were joking that he may need oxygen. REally, it was all in good fun. (Ds 12 has a batting average of over .700!!) But, I was VERY happy that my 9 yo was so upset that he told me about it (and he was ANGRY!!!).

 

I've also witnessed this when my boys were at the park with my dd. God help the kids who tease my little girl!!!! They are going to be in TROUBLE!!!!

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, I teach my children to stand up for one another. I've also seen them stand up for other kids that are being bullied.

 

There is a difference between standing up for someone and being responsible for their safety. I do not put my children in situations where they are expected to be responsible for one another's safety yet, as my oldest is not mature enough for that responsibility.

[Rosie_0801]

My kids are too young for this to be an issue, but when they are big enough, I'm going to make it one. My dad and I were teetering on the brink of a fist fight once; the situation had already got physical (the one and only time, he's not in the habit of beating up on people, there is a story, of course, but not relevant here) and both my brother and dh sat there and did nothing. Apparently they were afraid if they did something he might hit me. Thanks so much guys. "You can let her go now" would have sufficed, but they couldn't even do that. Wimpiness is not a positive trait.

 

Rosie

[rwjx2khsmj]

I hope I've taught my children to stand up for decent behavior and kindness no matter who is involved in a negative situation. I'd like to think that they would protect or at least speak up for any other child that was being treated unkindly.

 

There is a big difference between expecting your children to stand up for decency and making them responsible for the safety of one another. The first they can do, the second requires adult intervention.