Bullying and preteens/young teens

[Renee in NC]

My 12yo ds has been dealing with some bullying at one of his extracurricular activities for awhile now (the past 2-3 months have been terrible.) Last night we realized that not only is the bullying serious, but (a) no one running the program really cares, and (b) this is what is causing him to be this nasty, mean child to live with (he is getting seriously depressed.) We've come up with a plan to deal with this instance (and there is only another week of the program left - it is a play in which he has a significant part.)

 

My concern (beyond the total lack of care I have seen from *this* program) is how do you handle bullying in general?

 

It is looking more and more like my dc are going to school next year. My 12yo may keep homeschooling (with family help and the FLVS), but there is a possibility he will have to go to school. He is a kid who gets along with adults better than kids his age. Actually, he has very little interest in the things that kids his age do. He has significant orthodontic problems and dyslexia. In other words, he seems to be a target.

 

I swore I would never put a child into school in middle school because of how horrible it can be for so many. Now I may not have a choice. How do people handle this? How can I help him navigate through this? Do schools really care about bullying? If a child reports it, then it makes them a *bigger* target!

[pqr]

Teach him to defend himself. I am a believer in hitting back, but that does not work for everyone.

[Renee in NC]

Teach him to defend himself. I am a believer in hitting back, but that does not work for everyone.

 

And he gets expelled from school and ends up at the alternative school?

[pqr]

And he gets expelled from school and ends up at the alternative school?

 

As I said I am a believer in hitting back and would rather deal with school admin than see my boy bullied. We all make choices.

[Jennifer in MI]

He would get expelled for hitting back? I guess it shouldn't surprise me. A couple years ago my son was punched in the face for defending a little girl. You better believe he defended himself!! He got the kid in a karate hold until an adult came by. I was told the next day by a parent at the school (this happened on school property) that because my d.s. made contact with the other boy, he would've been suspended for that fight too.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry your d.s. is going through this. You better bet I'd be causing a HUGE stink with that program though.

[unsinkable]

Renee,

 

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry. I know you posted on some of the threads about the bullying my DS was going thru. I wish more than anything your son didn't have to deal with this.

 

The school did take some steps to help my son and stop the bullying but I have no faith in the bullies changing. The school said they would be suspended if they did anything or said anything to DS again.

[unsinkable]

Teach him to defend himself. I am a believer in hitting back, but that does not work for everyone.

 

My son walked away, ignored the bullies and refused to engage them for months. It was all verbal.

[Chris in VA]

Are there any private schools you could consider? Is your income such that he could get a full scholarship? I have family in Ft. L, but IDK where you are--there are several wonderful (supposedly) k-8 schools in that area.

Could he do an online virtual academy? It's public school at home (via K-12 or something, I'm not sure how FL works it).

Does he have to go back because of your own finances? If so, could you work from home or work part time and make enough to keep him home?

I don't want to put dd in middle school, either. I'd rather put her back now for 5th and 6th, then pull her for 7th and 8th, if I have to put her back at all (and it looks like I do).

 

How I handle bullying? I was bullied. I handled it by becoming depressed, getting horrible grades, being unable to learn academically, learning the survival of the fittest (so I in turn talked behind a sweet girl's back, because she was even "lower on the totem pole" than I was), and being scarred for a long, long time.

My own sons were both slightly bullied. One didn't tell me--we moved, so it wasn't a problem. The other? Well, he responded in all sorts of ways, but it was all mixed up in gangs and drama and then in drugs and crap like that--you know our story. Started with the lowered self-esteem that bullying can help exacerbate.

 

I say get him out of there.

[Renee in NC]

My son walked away, ignored the bullies and refused to engage them for months. It was all verbal.

 

The bullying he is facing now is mostly verbal, but I know at least one time the other kid put him in a headlock and another time spit on him. My father was picked on and bullied in school (my ds is a lot like him) and he says that ds needs to learn to be "cool" in order to get them to stop.

 

If that means bullying others and talking about s*x all the time (like this bully is doing - he is a "cool kid") then no thank you.

[Wheres Toto]

He would get expelled for hitting back? I guess it shouldn't surprise me. A couple years ago my son was punched in the face for defending a little girl. You better believe he defended himself!! He got the kid in a karate hold until an adult came by. I was told the next day by a parent at the school (this happened on school property) that because my d.s. made contact with the other boy, he would've been suspended for that fight too.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry your d.s. is going through this. You better bet I'd be causing a HUGE stink with that program though.

 

Most schools have a no-tolerance policy for bullying/fighting these days. They usually don't even try to figure out what really happened since its often one kids word against anothers. So, anyone involved in an altercation is punished the same way.

 

Schools vary in how well they deal with bullying. A lot of it has to do with how much supervision there is in "free" zones - playgrounds, gym, fields, cafeterias, etc. If there is adequate supervision, bullying is a lot less likely to happen. Kids who are bullied are supposed to walk away and find a teacher/administrator to report it to. In theory, there will then be more supervision on the child(ren) accused of the bullying, in order to keep it from happening again. In actual practice - it will vary from school to school.

[RoughCollie]

My child has a right to self-defense. I don't care whether the school agrees with that or not. If my child gets into trouble at school because s/he acted in self-defense, I will withdraw my child from school. Because we live in such an uncivilized area, I have already informed the school of my intentions.

 

If anyone hits my child (battery) or threatens my child physically (assault), I will call the police and press charges against the perpetrator.

 

If the police don't respond appropriately, I will call the district attorney and the newspaper and raise such a fuss that somebody will do something.

 

Two children, an 11 year old boy and a teenage girl, have killed themselves in Mass due to being bullied. I have, IMO, a huge leg to stand on when it comes to defending my children against being bullied.

 

My children are instructed to report bullying to me first, if at all possible. That way, I can put my plans in motion before I involve the school. I think schools have a lot more trouble dealing with parents who are willing to do anything to protect their children from bullies -- they can't just suspend everyone involved and do nothing to solve the problem for the bullied child.

 

IMO, if my child is on school property, the school has a responsibility to return that child to me unharmed.

 

A lot of times, all the parent has to do is puff up bigger than anyone else, and it will intimidate the people in charge and they will do something. The puff up plan works to my advantage because I am good at it.

 

I am still leery about the school two of my kids attend because the population there is rather rough. They have not had problems with bullying at school yet.

Edited June 4, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Renee in NC]

Are there any private schools you could consider? Is your income such that he could get a full scholarship? I have family in Ft. L, but IDK where you are--there are several wonderful (supposedly) k-8 schools in that area.

Could he do an online virtual academy? It's public school at home (via K-12 or something, I'm not sure how FL works it).

Does he have to go back because of your own finances? If so, could you work from home or work part time and make enough to keep him home?

I don't want to put dd in middle school, either. I'd rather put her back now for 5th and 6th, then pull her for 7th and 8th, if I have to put her back at all (and it looks like I do).

 

How I handle bullying? I was bullied. I handled it by becoming depressed, getting horrible grades, being unable to learn academically, learning the survival of the fittest (so I in turn talked behind a sweet girl's back, because she was even "lower on the totem pole" than I was), and being scarred for a long, long time.

My own sons were both slightly bullied. One didn't tell me--we moved, so it wasn't a problem. The other? Well, he responded in all sorts of ways, but it was all mixed up in gangs and drama and then in drugs and crap like that--you know our story. Started with the lowered self-esteem that bullying can help exacerbate.

 

I say get him out of there.

 

I need to get a regular, fulltime job away from home. Part-time or from home will not bring in enough money to meet our financial needs.

 

The first option is that he do the virtual school program and stay with my mother during the day (at her businesses.) At this point, she is willing to do this so that he will not have to go to middle school. She was bullied in middle school as well (she was a very poor kid in a wealthy school) and she doesn't want that for him. There are downsides to this option including his just being plain lonely (and/or driving my mother bonkers.)

 

The next option is the private school where the younger dc are probably going to go (if they have space for them!) That would depend upon his getting a scholarship. The younger kids can get scholarships thorugh the state, but the 12 and 9yo's would have to go to ps for a year to get the state scholarships.

 

That is where the ps middle school would come in. He would have to go for a year before he got a state scholarship.

 

Your ds's story is what I fear. I can see this *easily* spiraling downward into a place where I don't want him to be.

[Peela]

A kid with a verbal tendency can learn to deal with bullies verbally. A more "physical" kid who is frustrated by verbal taunting, might need to use his fists, I guess, but I am not convinced. I have encouraged my son to use his mouth- he uses it enough against his parents, may as well use it for some good! He is good at making friends, and he has also managed to lead them all against any bullies. There are ways...probably every kid needs to find his own power and strength to deal with them. My son had a lot of trouble in Scouts- not with the kids, although he was teased and taunted by son- but with the leaders. I wanted to protect him, and at one stage did stand up for him against all 4 leaders and asked them to back off. They didn't. They felt justified in singling him out for shaming and ostrecising him for various reasons which were ultimately very petty. I had a gut feeling to let him work it out. He did. He got all the kids on his side - to make himself feel better- and the leaders backed down and now treat him with respect! He earned it.

I would say don't count problems before they occur. They might not. ANd if they do...dont underestimate your son's or your ability to deal with them then. I am not sure you can necessarily predict how to deal with such situations- they are all unique. If he needs some courage, a martial art can give an inner confidence.

[mommabird]

If that means bullying others and talking about s*x all the time (like this bully is doing - he is a "cool kid") then no thank you.

 

That is what my dd's bully does. But of course he does it out of ear shot and I honestly think other mom/ teachers are just looking away.

 

She hit back one day and she got in trouble as much trouble or more than the boy did. I told the home school co-op I will not take away her right to defend herself and if anyone hits her they better expect she will hit back.

 

My 10yodd does not respond well to other children that are mean or do not play fair or leave her out. She gets really upset and loud but all she gets told is to not be a tattle-tale.

 

I am now teaching her to recognize the other kids behaviors that get her upset and when she sees it not going well to quietly leave the group and find something else to do. Even if it means being alone for a little while. But when she sees the group is playing right again then join in.

 

I am teaching her better social skills like listening more to others, not trying to be the center of attention, make good friend choices. Also increasing her athletic skills and learning how to tell jokes will help her get along better. As for the bully she was learning how to dodge interaction with him. At first (I guess) she didn't handle it right .... she growled at him so he wouldn't come near her and of course she got in trouble for that too.

Edited June 4, 2010 by mommabird

[RoughCollie]

If that means bullying others and talking about s*x all the time (like this bully is doing - he is a "cool kid") then no thank you.

 

Now this did happen to my son. A male bully on his bus harassed him about sex. My son got off the bus, marched into the school office with two witnesses, and reported the bully for sexual harassment.

 

That must be a key phrase because the bully was immediately removed from my son's bus.

 

I didn't have to get involved at all, which was kind of disappointing because it would have been fun to turn the tables on Mr. Macho, who was twice as big as my son. OTOH, I was quite proud of my son for the way he handled the situation.

Edited June 4, 2010 by RoughCollie

[J-rap]

***

Edited March 1, 2023 by J-rap

[Mejane]

Renee, can you call a meeting with the school principal before your son starts attending, and ask him to clarify the school's policy on bullying? Have your husband attend with you. Take notes during the meeting. Ask what would happen if...? The principal will get the message that you consider this a serious problem and expect him to adhere to their policy. Document and report anything that looks like bullying. Then, if nothing is being done, you go straight to the top with your documentation, as RC said.

 

Also agree that you should work with your son on coping skills in the meantime.

 

I don't think there's anything that pushes my buttons like bullying, except maybe adults looking the other way. :mad: I was bullied as a little girl by an older, much bigger boy. My dad went to his house and called out his father. They settled it between them and I was never bothered again (heard later the kid got a thrashing.) The good old days...

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[Debora R]

The type of bullying will kind of dictate how you teach your children to handle it. Role-play different options with your child.

 

If you decide to speak with program/school administrators about the problem, come prepared to speak their language.....for example, look up the "official" policy for the district so that you know how this kind of situation is supposed to be handled.....and just in case it goes badly, have the business card of an attorney in your pocket. When I was working in the ps system, the threats of Lawyers and newspaper cameras were just about the ONLY things that spurred any real action (and even then, only temporary changes)......

[cathmom]

My son was suspended in first grade for hitting a child who was holding him against a brick wall and banging my son's head on it! That was 13 years ago, and it did lead to us deciding to homeschool. We asked the principal what our son should have done and were told that he should have gotten an adult. When we asked how he should have done that since he was being held against a wall, we got no answer.