So is dh right re. "sucking it up?"

[Tree House Academy]

I didn't read other responses. I think that, for us, part of the beauty of homeschooling is being able to tailor each day to your child and his/her needs. "Sucking it up" only goes so far. Can you imagine if we needed a day off (as adults) and never allowed ourselves to take one? I can't. There are days when I absolutely clear my calendar because I just can't do it anymore. I can not imagine not having that ability. Even my husband will sometimes call in to work or take a vacation day if he is having a rough go of it. We all need that!

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I didn't read other responses. I think that, for us, part of the beauty of homeschooling is being able to tailor each day to your child and his/her needs. "Sucking it up" only goes so far. Can you imagine if we needed a day off (as adults) and never allowed ourselves to take one? I can't. There are days when I absolutely clear my calendar because I just can't do it anymore. I can not imagine not having that ability. Even my husband will sometimes call in to work or take a vacation day if he is having a rough go of it. We all need that!

 

Which careers allow men to take a vacation day if they are having a rough go of it?

 

My husband goes to work whether he feels like it or not. He is a journeyman with a skilled trade, and his work outlook depends upon his reliability and stability. In his mind, this is as it should be.

 

When he was in the Navy, he didn't get mental health days, either.

[LauraGB]

I'm coming back to add that I think that (gender scripted) mothering and (gender scripted) fathering are designed, and needed. I think children NEED a mom who understands and lets school "go" for a day. AND children need a Dad to say "enough, suck it up".

 

I don't believe they are mutually exclusive - I think they are complementary.

 

:iagree: Jumping in to this a little late because I wanted to think a little bit about how to answer. *I* am the "suck it up" parent. My ds is not there yet, but dd is. Because I understood where she was coming from, it was easy for me at first to teach her different ways to cope. Occasionally, she got to "call in sick" if she just wasn't going to be able to deal at all. Most of us are able to do this in our adult life (okay, everyone except us moms). But after those initial first few months of dealing with things, the most she gets now is a 30 minute break (ie, take a lunch break a little early) to collect and master herself before she needs to get back on task.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by teaching your son several different ways to cope with his hormones, melt downs and frustrations. Eventually, he should be able to do the things that work on his own. I think Dad is doing the right thing by expecting him to be the man he has grown into and master himself so he can keep going. Different things from different parents collectively grow the child.

[LibraryLover]

My dh has reminded me that I have told kids "You'll live". Not sure that's Suck it Up, but it's close.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our family used "sit up and fly right". Less noisy, more accurate. I'm a fan of it, but it is crucial to add on the second part, which is an immediate return of affectionate behavior by adults once the sitting and flying is done, and no rubbing the nose of the slouchee in it. Once you were behaving, the confident look that you always had and always would returned to the folk's eyes.

 

Now I have Nat King Cole's "Straighten up and Fly Right" going through my head!

[Renee in NC]

Which careers allow men to take a vacation day if they are having a rough go of it?

 

My husband goes to work whether he feels like it or not. He is a journeyman with a skilled trade, and his work outlook depends upon his reliability and stability. In his mind, this is as it should be.

 

When he was in the Navy, he didn't get mental health days, either.

 

:iagree: Dh goes to work unless he is too sick to get of bed. I can only think of 3 times in 13 years that this has happened.

[Lolly]

You are both right. It IS okay to take a day off now and then just because. But, if these hormonal surges keep coming regularly, time to start sucking it up. :tongue_smilie:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Our rules about over-drama:

 

1) You can feel any way you feel, but you must manage the behavior related to it.

2) If you act in ways that cause others to feel discomfort, you choose to be alone until you get a grip.

3) If mom determines your over-drama is too much, too long, you will be told that "this situation is a 5 and you are acting at a 10". Some kids really do need to be told how to feel.

4) I will honor/respect the fact that everyone has days they need space, a break, understandig. But if it becomes a habit or you use it manipulatively (ie to get out of chores, schoolwork, etc), you risk me believing it when it's real.

 

Exactly. :iagree:

[Peela]

:iagree: Dh goes to work unless he is too sick to get of bed. I can only think of 3 times in 13 years that this has happened.

 

I get that there is a place for this type of thinking and there are times to put aside emotions, for sure...but I also think that men who lose touch with their feelings are quite a common problem in our society, and its not something I would want for my son.

It's one thing to be capable of surviving in the world, playing it tough, never taking a day off work and all that...but is that really, all the way through, what we would want for anyone, even our heroic men? That they can never take a day off because they can't take time to feel- grief for a loved one, time to get in touch with themselves? How many of these types of men are workaholics- addicted to work to avoid their emotional life altogether? I am not talking all touchy feely new agey. I am just saying...I think men could generally do with some getting in touch with their feelings, and its women who could generally do with some letting go of being so emotionally centred.

My ideal is to find the balance for both my rather excessively emotional but self centred son, and my fairly unemotional and outgoing daughter, rather than impose societal roles on them to fit into.

[elegantlion]

I get that there is a place for this type of thinking and there are times to put aside emotions, for sure...but I also think that men who lose touch with their feelings are quite a common problem in our society, and its not something I would want for my son.

It's one thing to be capable of surviving in the world, playing it tough, never taking a day off work and all that...but is that really, all the way through, what we would want for anyone, even our heroic men? That they can never take a day off because they can't take time to feel- grief for a loved one, time to get in touch with themselves? How many of these types of men are workaholics- addicted to work to avoid their emotional life altogether? I am not talking all touchy feely new agey. I am just saying...I think men could generally do with some getting in touch with their feelings, and its women who could generally do with some letting go of being so emotionally centred.

My ideal is to find the balance for both my rather excessively emotional but self centred son, and my fairly unemotional and outgoing daughter, rather than impose societal roles on them to fit into.

 

:iagree: Even Superman had a mild-manned alter ego.

[Renee in NC]

I get that there is a place for this type of thinking and there are times to put aside emotions, for sure...but I also think that men who lose touch with their feelings are quite a common problem in our society, and its not something I would want for my son.

It's one thing to be capable of surviving in the world, playing it tough, never taking a day off work and all that...but is that really, all the way through, what we would want for anyone, even our heroic men? That they can never take a day off because they can't take time to feel- grief for a loved one, time to get in touch with themselves? How many of these types of men are workaholics- addicted to work to avoid their emotional life altogether? I am not talking all touchy feely new agey. I am just saying...I think men could generally do with some getting in touch with their feelings, and its women who could generally do with some letting go of being so emotionally centred.

My ideal is to find the balance for both my rather excessively emotional but self centred son, and my fairly unemotional and outgoing daughter, rather than impose societal roles on them to fit into.

 

My dh is not a workaholic at all. He doesn't define himself by his job at all and definitely doesn't avoid his emotional life by going to work.

 

He simply has to "suck it up" so he can support his family. His jobs are hourly - he doesn't go, he doesn't get paid. He doesn't get paid, his family suffers. If he is having a bad day, he calls me at lunch to vent or he gets it out when he comes home.

 

Yes, he would like to be able to take a mental health day. The other guys he works with took a few days after the busy season, but he didn't have that luxury. Maybe next year (when he has vacation days and/or sick days!;))

[Jean in Newcastle]

Which careers allow men to take a vacation day if they are having a rough go of it?

 

My husband goes to work whether he feels like it or not. He is a journeyman with a skilled trade, and his work outlook depends upon his reliability and stability. In his mind, this is as it should be.

 

When he was in the Navy, he didn't get mental health days, either.

 

I went to work outside the home whether I felt like it or not. I go to work in my home whether I feel like it or not.

 

If my ds had been whining that he needed a day off and refused to go back to work, I would have dug my feet in. But he didn't. He was prepared to go back to work. I decided to let him off for the rest of the day for a couple of reasons:

 

1. his Dad was home and did need him for one of the errands - transporting and assembling a desk. He would have scheduled it for after school but it was more efficient to do them all at once.

 

2. I needed the mental health break from this child.

 

3. I could see that while he could have buckled down and gotten school done, it would give him a much needed break to spend time with Dad instead. We school year around so we don't have traditional vacations of a whole week or two off.

 

I do agree with both you and with my dh that if I gave him a day off every other day that I would be doing him a disservice. I also agree that sometimes I underestimate what he is capable of.

 

I don't want my default mode to always be to push him. That was the default mode of my private college prep boarding school and it was terribly stressful.

 

But at the same time, I don't want my default mode to be to always give him a break - because we do need some pushing to grow beyond our comfort levels. I'm not totally sure what level of pushing is appropriate for an almost 13 year old vs. a 17 year old, for example.

[Murphy101]

I'm a very "suck it up" kind of person, so I'll offer up front that bit of insight.

 

That said, I'm a sucker for blaming myself (Oh the Mommy Guilt!) and thus giving too much slack to my kids, especially the middle schoolers bc I personally remember middle school has hell on earth in every way.

 

I also don't care about what would happen in school. We're not in a school.

 

But the bottom line here is how much do you trust your dh's judgement call?

 

My dh really rarely steps in or has a negative comment. So when he does offer a suggestion based on what I'm troubled by or goings on in the house - I listen.

 

Just as if I pull dh aside and explain that our dd needs some womanly compassion or a kick in the pants, I expect him to presume that as a woman I might have an insight into this that he does not.

 

As my boys get older, I'm finding that my job is to guide and to cheerlead and more and more that dad's job is to enforce and insist in areas of character and respect and determination. This has been a very HARD but also a very rewarding change in my mothering.

 

It's annoying that I can lecture, give consequences, and so forth to no avail, yet if I say, "Is this the kind of behavior/work you would be proud to show your father when he gets home?" or "I think we need to call your father." instant transformation of a young PITA to an earnest and thoughtful young man happens.

[Caribbean Queen]

It's one thing to be capable of surviving in the world, playing it tough, never taking a day off work and all that...but is that really, all the way through, what we would want for anyone, even our heroic men?

 

Yes it is.

Request vacation time in advance. Call off work when you are very ill. Don't work every day in a month. Take weekends off, or whatever.

 

But no flaking-out and calling off work in the morning because you're feeling emotional and need to get in touch with yourself.

[Murphy101]

Yes it is.

Request vacation time in advance. Call off work when you are very ill. Don't work every day in a month. Take weekends off, or whatever.

 

But no flaking-out and calling off work in the morning because you're feeling emotional and need to get in touch with yourself.

 

:iagree:

[asta]

:iagree: with this. I think you are both right and there is a place for both approaches, and I would be careful before undermining the more male approach (not that you necessarily are), particularly after giving the more "female" or nurturing approach a good go.

I think your dh has a perfectly valid point and it is factual. In school, kids do learn to suck it up and get on with it. And that develops a certain part of them. It's different telling a 6 or 8 year old he must suck it up in regards to bullying, than telling a teenager to get a hold on his emotions because its disturbing everyone around him and its time to focus on something other than himself.

Generally speaking..I would and do take the more female approach with my highly emotional ds14...and dh takes the more male approach. Ds14 does milk me and manipulate me because of my approach. I do wonder if more male approach and less female approach might be more appropriate at a certian point- but each child and situation is unique. And as Spy Car says...a normal, healthy man with compassion will be able to do both as well.

 

:iagree: completely.

 

My SIL has completely, utterly undermined my BIL with their kids (a boy and a girl) and, well, it shows. They're basically brats. I have hope for the eldest (girl), but the boy... I just don't know. I'll just say that it will be interesting to see what kind of relationship he chooses to pursue.

 

 

asta

[LibraryLover]

Which made me think of the movie A League of Their Own. Does "There is no crying in baseball!" count as a variation of Suck it Up? lol Because I say that frequently.

 

 

Now I have Nat King Cole's "Straighten up and Fly Right" going through my head!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Which made me think of the movie A League of Their Own. Does "There is no crying in baseball!" count as a variation of Suck it Up? lol Because I say that frequently.

 

I'd say so;)

[MrsMe]

If he has special needs then I think that your husband is off the mark.

 

If he is NOT a child with special needs then I think that your husband is right.

 

I thoroughly agree. Sometimes boys spend too much time with mom (women) and not enough time with Dad. Women coddle and feel and men deal have to deal with it and step up to the plate.

 

I'm totally not saying your doing this, but there's way too many wimpy boys in this world and I think a lot of it is due to single mothers. Parents are a good balance.

[Karis]

I thoroughly agree. Sometimes boys spend too much time with mom (women) and not enough time with Dad. Women coddle and feel and men deal have to deal with it and step up to the plate.

 

I'm totally not saying your doing this, but there's way too many wimpy boys in this world and I think a lot of it is due to single mothers. Parents are a good balance.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Think about it... most educators in the lower grades are women. We have both for a reason - to balance it all out. I seek out positive male influences for our son. He needs to see these examples. So we will purposefully look for male tutors/ mentors.

 

***

Some of the men I know that were raised by single moms are very self sufficient. They had to be. And they grow up expecting women to be strong & hardworking because that was their example of womanhood. But that too can back fire and result in unfair or unrealistic expectations from a woman who shouldn't HAVE to do it all.

 

My son is told to "Man Up! He has to live/ work... make his way in this world and it's our job to prepare him for that.

 

My dh goes to work tired, in the snow, in the heat, in the rain, when he doesn't want to, when he's not feeling 100%, etc... He is responsible for a family.

 

One day, our son will be too. Best to get in the habit of doing what needs to be done NOW.

 

It's a mindset.

 

And we are an equal opportunity household.

 

Our daughter has to "put on her big girl panties and deal with it."