What should I do with this inlaw situation?

[3lilreds in NC]

oh hai! I have not been around much lately - I have missed you guys! However, having come on here to post my question and gotten distracted by reading all the posts has caused me to recall why I don't let myself come here often. I'd much rather be here than in the real world. :D

 

Here's the situation: We just recently moved, and my inlaws came down to help with the kids (and the move; they wanted to help with the move and I wanted them to take the kids out of the way and let me unpack my own house). To make a long story short, I discovered that they consistently say negative things about me in front of my girls, when they take the kids back to the hotel with them at night (or any time they have them away from us).

 

They already have to stay at a hotel because about 6 years ago I learned that when they stayed with us, and I would go to bed when I couldn't take being around them anymore, they would sit up with my dh and complain about me to him. He let them. We've dealt with that.

 

I don't think they sit down with the kids and say, "Let's discuss all the things that are wrong with your mother." They (mostly MIL) make comments when the kids can hear; sometimes when she thinks they are asleep, but often just because it's how she is. FIL agrees with her. They've never thought I was good enough for dh and have made that abundantly clear from the instant we got engaged. I'm pretty much over that, too.

 

This last time was different because the girls started saying stuff to me. It was... disturbing to hear my MIL coming from their sweet mouths, to say the least. After discussing it with them, Emma said to me, "It's OK, Mommy, I know that what they say about you mostly isn't true." :confused:

 

My first reaction was, that's it, they've lost their unsupervised access to my children - and they will NEVER get their hands on my son. Dh thinks we should give them one more chance, and he will remind them that they are to be extremely careful of what they say when they have the girls, even when they think they are sleeping. The boy doesn't stay with them yet because he still likes "mom-mom" for going to bed at night.

 

I talked with the girls about it, and they said they're uncomfortable with what my ILs have said, but they'd like to give staying with them one more try; if it happens again, they don't want to go back. They're 9 & 10. Are they old enough to decide that for themselves? I know they love their grandparents and I am leaning towards thinking they can make their own minds about this.

 

I am not really angry with the ILs anymore; mostly angry at myself for thinking they wouldn't do this. I want to set appropriate boundaries for the sake of my kids, and wonder how far to go here. I am not good at boundaries; I would much prefer that everyone play by the rules and be nice. Sigh. Help?

[kalanamak]

Just a thought: do your daughters have the wherewithal to say "Mommy is my best friend and I'd rather you not talk like that" with a little coaching? Or "I'm sorry you feel that way, because I intend to grow up and be just like her!". Something to take the wind out their sails, KWIM?

 

Remind your daughters that small people think they make themselves bigger by knocking other people down. :grouphug:

[Tap]

I am a fairly blunt person IRL. I would probably say...."hey gram-monster, dd2 was pretty upset last night, when she heard you telling fil that I am an uneducated bimbo who only has kids so I can milk your son for his hidden millions, while sleeping with the police chief so I can get away with his murder. The insurance payout will make it round off to a cool 5 mil, and with him gone permanently, I won't to worry about custody or visitation."

 

"Oh That's not what you said....well you know how kids misunderstand sometimes. So, just what was it you were saying about my housecleaning skills, while you thought the girls were asleep?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

So it sounds like they don't live close. How often do they visit? I'm all for the kids having good relationships with the grandparents. But I think it is even more important that they have respect for you, their mother. That doesn't mean that they might not notice some of your faults (my kids do!) But that is in the context of a loving but imperfect family that still respects each other. If your MIL is undermining your dc's respect and love for you, then this has to stop. I would stop the overnights and have family outings only. And I would have dh tell them why.

[LauraGB]

I had a response, but...

 

I am a fairly blunt person IRL. I would probably say...."hey gram-monster, dd2 was pretty upset last night, when she heard you telling fil that I am an uneducated bimbo who only has kids so I can milk your son for his hidden millions, while sleeping with the police chief so I can get away with his murder. The insurance payout will make it round off to a cool 5 mil, and with him gone permanently, I won't to worry about custody or visitation."

 

"Oh That's not what you said....well you know how kids misunderstand sometimes. So, just what was it you were saying about my housecleaning skills, while you thought the girls were asleep?"

 

...I read this and thought I couldn't beat this with a stick.

 

Sorry your ILs suck. Assuming thier son is your kids' dad, I think you've served your time as "new gal", and you have more than earned your right for rebuttal. Regardless, it is NEVER appropriate to bash a child's mother in front of that child! Shame on them! And you have every right to tell them so, in no uncertain terms.

[OrganicAnn]

I would assume that nothing you say will stop them. I would limit their unsupervised contact as much as possible but continue supervised contact. But know that as your kids grow older they will realize what GM says crazy things and will think less of her.

 

My GM never thought my mother was good enough. It did not endear her to anyone. We were always polite to her, but we never loved because of her difficult personality.

[MamaT]

I am a fairly blunt person IRL. I would probably say...."hey gram-monster, dd2 was pretty upset last night, when she heard you telling fil that I am an uneducated bimbo who only has kids so I can milk your son for his hidden millions, while sleeping with the police chief so I can get away with his murder. The insurance payout will make it round off to a cool 5 mil, and with him gone permanently, I won't to worry about custody or visitation."

 

"Oh That's not what you said....well you know how kids misunderstand sometimes. So, just what was it you were saying about my housecleaning skills, while you thought the girls were asleep?"

 

:iagree:I put up with this for years. I finally found out if I called her on it, she backed down like the back-stabbing chicken she was. There is no love lost between her and my children either. My little ones cry if they hear she is coming, and my olders swear to stay in the basement and come up for meals only. Sad.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

It is deplorable that you have had to deal with this for all this time. I think you are a wonderful, sweet person. The fact that you are considering these people and their relationship with your children speaks so well of you, too.

 

I would let dh handle it. It sounds like he has a good handle on the situation and what needs to be done. If he didn't, I wouldn't hesitate to step in, but let him be the heavy, since he has a good head on his shoulders to stand up to them.

[Caribbean Queen]

I talked with the girls about it, and they said they're uncomfortable with what my ILs have said, but they'd like to give staying with them one more try; if it happens again, they don't want to go back. They're 9 & 10. Are they old enough to decide that for themselves? I know they love their grandparents and I am leaning towards thinking they can make their own minds about this.

 

 

I would try to turn this into, "If Grandma says anything else then I will not allow you to be with her alone." I think they are too young to make up their minds about this. What if she invites them to something really fun. Can they change their minds? What if she tries to make them feel guilty for not spending the night with her? Better if Mom is the "bad guy."

[tex-mex]

I would assume that nothing you say will stop them. I would limit their unsupervised contact as much as possible but continue supervised contact. But know that as your kids grow older they will realize what GM says crazy things and will think less of her.

 

My GM never thought my mother was good enough. It did not endear her to anyone. We were always polite to her, but we never loved because of her difficult personality.

:iagree: When the girls get older... they will be wiser about the things Granny says about mom. I like the idea of coaching them to say, "That's not nice to talk that way about my mom!" ;) It'd at least stun her into temporary silence. What's with DH not stepping into this and telling his mom to lay off the criticalness?

[mom4him]

I am a fairly blunt person IRL. I would probably say...."hey gram-monster, dd2 was pretty upset last night, when she heard you telling fil that I am an uneducated bimbo who only has kids so I can milk your son for his hidden millions, while sleeping with the police chief so I can get away with his murder. The insurance payout will make it round off to a cool 5 mil, and with him gone permanently, I won't to worry about custody or visitation."

 

"Oh That's not what you said....well you know how kids misunderstand sometimes. So, just what was it you were saying about my housecleaning skills, while you thought the girls were asleep?"

:lol::lol::iagree::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[katemary63]

 

 

Dh thinks we should give them one more chance,

 

 

 

:lol: I'm sorry, but this is laughable! No! I would not allow my children around them unsupervised again. Absolutely no! They are badmouthing you to your own children. That is beyond the pale. They can not be trusted.

[Harriet Vane]

:lol: I'm sorry, but this is laughable! No! I would not allow my children around them unsupervised again. Absolutely no! They are badmouthing you to your own children. That is beyond the pale. They can not be trusted.

 

:iagree:

[3lilreds in NC]

Thanks for all your support, ladies - I appreciate it more than I can say! :grouphug:

 

Dh did stand up to his parents; he called them once he found out what happened and told them to stop. At first they denied saying anything, but then FIL said "You're right, nothing should be said in front of the girls." Dh thinks it would be OK to remind them to be careful what they say before they come again, and let them have one more chance. He's willing to abide by my decision, though.

 

They don't cast aspersions on my character, really. Apparently it's stuff like: "She should exercise more," or "She should be potty training Isaac and she's doing a terrible job" or "It's time to wean Isaac because that would make it easier for us to take him" or "why is she spending all this time with her friends when she should be working at the house?" (That last one was when we were moving specific to the move - I had some last-minute dates with girlfriends the week the movers were there. I spent a lot of time in denial about moving so was running about a bit like a nut.)

 

Abbie did tell me today that when they are back at the hotel, MIL will sit reading while FIL is on the computer, shut her book, and then say whatever she comes up with. She thinks MIL is sitting there thinking about things to say about me. She said she knows MIL doesn't like me but doesn't think she should say the things she does anyway.

 

Emma doesn't want to go back to the hotel with them. She said that even though they play games etc in the mornings, it's not worth listening to what they say.

 

The problem with coaching the girls to say something to MIL is that she is likely to react *very* poorly and be nasty to them. I don't want to put them in that situation. MIL has already pushed my nieces away to the point that they want nothing to do with her. I think they only reason that hasn't happened here is that we live far away and they have not been allowed to be as involved/intrusive with our kids. My grandparents were so precious to me; I want my kids to have every opportunity to have that if possible.

 

The Snort is so much younger than the girls that I haven't let them take him to the hotel overnight. I feel slightly more possessive of him, and I'm not sure why; probably because he's my baby (he's Todd's son and all, LOL). I don't want to give them a chance to contaminate him. Silly, I know, but there it is. I can already tell we're going to have issues; MIL makes comments when he doesn't like her best, won't let her read to him or put him to bed, etc.

 

I guess I wanted to make sure that I was not going to keep the girls away from them out of a desire for retribution. I wanted to be sure it was for the girls' sake, not mine, KWIM? If I had my druthers, we would never see them again. I'm pretty sure that's not what God has in mind though so I am trying to be obedient, albeit grudgingly.

 

I don't expect that they will change. I am learning to offer them grace, even though they offer me none in return. I've just hit a point (again) that I am so DONE dealing with them. I work so hard not to say anything about them to the kids, to let them make their own beds, so to speak, that it makes me feel sick that they are not doing the same. I am usually a pretty blunt person too; I don't often have a hard time standing up for myself. My ILs are easily the most toxic people I know, and honestly, confronting them just makes for more drama than it's worth, and won't change anything. That's why dh has to deal with it. They do, occasionally, listen to him.

 

Anyhoo, I think I have my answer. The girls don't want to go to the hotel with them anymore, so they don't have to do that. The ILs will have to get over it. To them, it will mean that I'm keeping them from their grandchildren even more, but I guess that's how it will have to be. I'm used to being the black sheep of the family. :D

[iluvmy4blessings]

If it were me, I would not let them have the kids unsupervised ever. People generally don't change that much and fully grown people are usually set in their ways. Good intentions aside it will probably just continue if they are allowed to have unsupervised contact. I would just cut off all the unsupervised contact and if Dh wants them around the kids then let it be with all of you there. The downside to this is that you can't ask them for help. You mentioned wanting them to watch the kids for you while you moved . Basically, you can't ask people for something and then put restrictions on them too. Theoretically, you should be able to do this if what you are asking for is reasonable but in real life and in dealing with unreasonable individuals you can't. You can put your foot down, but you can't also ask for help from them at the same time. I get virtually no help with my children b/c my family does not know how to follow the boundaries. I am willing to lose the help though so you have to weigh that up.

[3lilreds in NC]

If it were me, I would not let them have the kids unsupervised ever. People generally don't change that much and fully grown people are usually set in their ways. Good intentions aside it will probably just continue if they are allowed to have unsupervised contact. I would just cut off all the unsupervised contact and if Dh wants them around the kids then let it be with all of you there. The downside to this is that you can't ask them for help. You mentioned wanting them to watch the kids for you while you moved . Basically, you can't ask people for something and then put restrictions on them too. Theoretically, you should be able to do this if what you are asking for is reasonable but in real life and in dealing with unreasonable individuals you can't. You can put your foot down, but you can't also ask for help from them at the same time. I get virtually no help with my children b/c my family does not know how to follow the boundaries. I am willing to lose the help though so you have to weigh that up.

 

I totally agree with you that we can't ask them for help and place restrictions on them, too.

 

It was not my first choice to have them help with the kids while we moved, but I didn't see any other way. I had no idea when I asked them to come down, what was going on behind my back. It was during this last visit that it all came out.

 

I really have no problem not asking them for help again, ever. I knew it was going to be hard for me when I asked them, because they can't just do what I ask, they have to do what *they* want - like unpacking my kitchen for me and putting stuff where I would never put it and then decorating for me and getting offended when I move things around. Yeah, good times. :D

 

The hardest part about this is that they are going to feel so put out that the new boundaries are in place, and they will insist that they have no idea what they've done, blah, blah, blah. Too bad for them. The girls need the boundaries - if they wanted to continue as things were, I'd probably let them, but they don't. I just hate that things have to be this difficult. It's like dealing with spoiled children.

[amy g.]

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Your MIL sounds so much like my mother. I gave her another chance to change her ways and be respectful when my two oldest children were born, but she tried to come between them and their dad just like she tried to keep us from being close to people we loved when we were kids.

 

I broke all contact with her so long ago that she has never even seen my 3 youngest children. If I have any regrets, it is that I did not do it sooner.

 

My sister and brother still have limited contact with her, but neither has a spouse or children. I shudder at the thought of inflicting her patterns on another generation.

 

Sometimes my sister tries to convince me that our mom is different now that she is a frail old woman, but my brother validated my decision by telling her that when he and our cousin were up late talking about how much they love me, my mom got out of bed to join the conversation and say, "You know she has always been a slut."

 

If that's not projection, I don't know what is. I can just imagine the things she would be saying to my kids if she had access to them.

 

Stick to your guns. I doubt your MIL can change, and your children do not deserve the conflict.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

Sounds like you have the situation in hand.

[Denisemomof4]

 

I talked with the girls about it, and they said they're uncomfortable with what my ILs have said, but they'd like to give staying with them one more try; if it happens again, they don't want to go back. They're 9 & 10. Are they old enough to decide that for themselves? I know they love their grandparents and I am leaning towards thinking they can make their own minds about this.

 

 

 

If it were me, I'd listen to dh and the girls and allow ONE more chance. BUT, I'd have dh sit down and talk with them, with you present, and have him lay down the law. Your girls obviously want to be with them because they love them, so the grandparents must be good with them. BUT, the grandparents are being selfish and unfair for doing this to their GRANDCHILDREN. This is their MOTHER they're speaking about, someone they admire and love. It's not only uncomfortable to them, but it's hurtful to them. It's SO unfair that they've put them in this predicament.

 

Dh needs to lay down the law. He should also tell them in actions AND words that you are a family and you have to be accepted as a whole or not accepted at all. They're allowed to feel what they do in their hearts, but it's expected that you will be treated respectfully and spoken about respectfully in the presence of anyone from your family, whether in the same room or not, awake or not, or they will leave you with NO choice other than to have supervised visitation.

:grouphug:

 

I know it's difficult. My mil never accepted me either. It was her and dh and she wanted NOBODY to take him away from her. She had him 16 years after her younger girl, her husband was sick for years before he died when dh was young, (he was an alcoholic and all the kids believe his mother drove him to be one, because she's just so nasty and controlling) so it was just the two of them. The sisters moved out of state the second they could to get away from their mother. So trust me, I understand. But we put up boundaries after 17 years and the day the told me that dh could have a girlfriend because he paid for all my animals was the last day she was allowed on our property. And she LOVED to come here - called it a piece of heaven on earth. It was almost four years ago. The day she gave my quilt back, one I had made for her in China, was the last present she got from us ever. This was almost 6 years ago. She determined the path of our relationship and after 19 (17 of it married) years of bad treatment and being rejected, I was done. Now she's almost 90 and in a nursing home. I still don't see her because last time I did I wanted to take her to get shoes and she was adamant that dh take her. She really doesn't want anything to do with me or the kids, so she's lonely and in a nursing home and has really nothing to live for. Nobody goes to see her because she's pushed everyone away. Dh does see her, but her daughters don't. One doesn't even talk to her. Again, this is the path she determined for her life and for her relationships.

[Denisemomof4]

Emma doesn't want to go back to the hotel with them. She said that even though they play games etc in the mornings, it's not worth listening to what they say.

 

The problem with coaching the girls to say something to MIL is that she is likely to react *very* poorly and be nasty to them. I don't want to put them in that situation. MIL has already pushed my nieces away to the point that they want nothing to do with her. I think they only reason that hasn't happened here is that we live far away and they have not been allowed to be as involved/intrusive with our kids. My grandparents were so precious to me; I want my kids to have every opportunity to have that if possible.

 

I guess I wanted to make sure that I was not going to keep the girls away from them out of a desire for retribution. I wanted to be sure it was for the girls' sake, not mine, KWIM? If I had my druthers, we would never see them again. I'm pretty sure that's not what God has in mind though so I am trying to be obedient, albeit grudgingly.

 

I don't expect that they will change. I am learning to offer them grace, even though they offer me none in return. I've just hit a point (again) that I am so DONE dealing with them. I work so hard not to say anything about them to the kids, to let them make their own beds, so to speak, that it makes me feel sick that they are not doing the same. I am usually a pretty blunt person too; I don't often have a hard time standing up for myself. My ILs are easily the most toxic people I know, and honestly, confronting them just makes for more drama than it's worth, and won't change anything. That's why dh has to deal with it. They do, occasionally, listen to him.

 

Anyhoo, I think I have my answer. The girls don't want to go to the hotel with them anymore, so they don't have to do that. The ILs will have to get over it. To them, it will mean that I'm keeping them from their grandchildren even more, but I guess that's how it will have to be. I'm used to being the black sheep of the family. :D

 

ok, this changes things. Since the girls don't want to go to the hotel, I think your husband needs to tell them WHY they don't want to go, and then do what's right for them. You can still be gracious. IT's sad that they're burning so many bridges, but again, I understand. Many will read what I wrote about MIL and think we're awful people, but seriously, we just got fed up with the abuse. We ENABLED her by not standing up to her sooner.

[Brigitte]

Anyhoo, I think I have my answer. The girls don't want to go to the hotel with them anymore, so they don't have to do that. The ILs will have to get over it. To them, it will mean that I'm keeping them from their grandchildren even more, but I guess that's how it will have to be. I'm used to being the black sheep of the family. :D

 

Don't make the girls go if they don't want and have your dh tell his parents that the girls don't want to go and why. It probably won't improve things, but it will put all the cards on the table. :grouphug:

 

I can totally sympathize with where you are in this. I have IL troubles related to when my twins were born (very prematurely and at a time I didn't need more stress) and around several of our moves. :grouphug:

[3lilreds in NC]

I know it's difficult. My mil never accepted me either. It was her and dh and she wanted NOBODY to take him away from her. She had him 16 years after her younger girl, her husband was sick for years before he died when dh was young, (he was an alcoholic and all the kids believe his mother drove him to be one, because she's just so nasty and controlling) so it was just the two of them. The sisters moved out of state the second they could to get away from their mother. So trust me, I understand. But we put up boundaries after 17 years and the day the told me that dh could have a girlfriend because he paid for all my animals was the last day she was allowed on our property. And she LOVED to come here - called it a piece of heaven on earth. It was almost four years ago. The day she gave my quilt back, one I had made for her in China, was the last present she got from us ever. This was almost 6 years ago. She determined the path of our relationship and after 19 (17 of it married) years of bad treatment and being rejected, I was done. Now she's almost 90 and in a nursing home. I still don't see her because last time I did I wanted to take her to get shoes and she was adamant that dh take her. She really doesn't want anything to do with me or the kids, so she's lonely and in a nursing home and has really nothing to live for. Nobody goes to see her because she's pushed everyone away. Dh does see her, but her daughters don't. One doesn't even talk to her. Again, this is the path she determined for her life and for her relationships.

 

I know what you mean about boundaries - it took about 10 years to set any for us, and even though she would have pitched a fit in the beginning, it would have been *so* much easier if we had. MIL had 2 sons, and my dh is the younger one. He's easier for her to get along with, in her mind, because he learned to internalize everything - her other son is too much like her and lets her have it. Sadly, the ILs have made it pretty clear to my BIL that my dh is their favorite, and it has hurt him tremendously. They've had their own blowup with the ILs in the last year or two and it's been really hard for them - they've been married for quite a bit longer and let things go much further.

 

When everything hit the fan a few years ago, I very nearly left. I truly believe it was an act of God that kept us married. I told dh that his parents could no longer stay with us when they visited, that I would not be alone with them, and would not have a conversation with them without him present. I didn't talk to them on the phone or email them, and I didn't go to their home. That's let up a bit; I actually thought we were building back a little bit of a relationship, and I've tried going to their cottage etc. with dh and the kids, especially since the baby was born, because they want to see him and he couldn't go without me. Since he will probably be weaned soon, I won't have to go anymore, and I am grateful for that. There will be another round of "poor me, my DILs don't love me," and I just don't care anymore.

 

People hear the boundaries I/we have set, and they often think I'm pretty over the top, too. But you know what? It came down to my marriage and my sanity, or letting them have their way. It took dh a LONG time to see that I was right, and even now, he says things that tell me he doesn't really get it and it makes me very, very nervous. I have been feeling a little guilty about the boundaries over the last couple of years, but I think this is God's way of showing me that not only are the boundaries necessary but I needed to be aware of even more that was going on.

 

I know we enabled her - she *expects* to be enabled. She thinks that she can say whatever she likes and we may not respond, and if we ever say anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way she flies off the handle. She will say that she has no idea what she's done to make her DIL hate her. :confused: Whatever. FIL is just as bad - his mother was pretty much exactly like MIL, he always chose her over MIL and now he backs up MIL with every bit of crazy she deals out.

 

Ah, thanks for letting me vent. I hate this situation. Every time I talk with the girls I find out more things I wish I didn't have to know, but it's making me see that the new boundaries really are necessary.