Is it important for little kids to have friends outside of family?

[Laura Cook]

My kids have each other as playmates and see their cousins several times a month to play. My kids play well together and when they don't, well, I'm glad that they get to practice being a good friend with each other first! At this moment in time we aren't doing any outside activities where they come in contact with many other kids, we don't go to church and when we go to the park there usually isn't anyone else there.

 

When they get older we will certainly seek out opportunities for them to make some good friends, but right now I just don't feel like it is that important. Someone close to me (not DH) thinks that we are making a mistake by not actively seeking friends for our kids right now.

 

So what do you think? Is it important for little kids, say age 6 and under, to have friends outside of family? I am sorry if this is somewhat scattered, I'm just thinking it through as I type!

[Liz CA]

I personally don't think so - not at your children's ages, anyway.

I am sure they know other people exist and in due time will gain "outside" friends.

 

IMHO, they learn to share, cooperate, lead and follow just as well when playing with their siblings.

[aggieamy]

I was homeschooled when I was young and we lived in the boonies. I played with my siblings and that was pretty much it except for visiting cousins a few times a month. We never felt like we missed out on anything as kids. Eventually I did go to public school and made friends. As an adult I have friends too so I've obviously learned how to make friends somewhere along the line. My closest friends to this day though are my sisters and my cousin. I think it's a great thing - not a negative.

[Garga]

I don't know if they need them or not, but my kids sure loved their friends at young ages, starting from about 4 up.

 

My just-turned-five year old (who isn't very social) gets SUCH a kick out of visiting his friend's house. Now, he only has 1 friend, because he's not social, but he loves being with that friend. A lot. He lights up.

 

And my 7 year old, who is VERY social, has had a ton of friends since he was 2. He loves being with them just as much as my 5 yo. I make sure to invite his friends to our house once every couple of weeks. (And he sees a bunch of them at church.)

 

I remember friends from when I was about 5 up. I loved them and still think about them. I wish I had pictures of some of them to remember them by. They were important parts of my childhood.

 

If I were you, I'd consider looking for someone for your 4 year old to be friends with in the next year or so. Friends enrich our lives, even when we're little kids, but probably not until we're 4 or 5 years old.

Edited April 19, 2010 by Garga

[Carrie12345]

I think it's more about fun at that age than need.

 

My dds are about to turn 7 and 8, and I do feel a need to "get them out there" these days. Not necessarily with just any old playmates, but with a variety of ages and interests so they can figure out their own little friendship preferences (and manners with the people they don't "click" with). And, honestly, so they can get a small break from each other!

 

My soon-to-be-3yo enjoys playing with other kids, but he's also quite happy talking to his stuffed puppy. ;)

[jujsky]

At their ages I wouldn't worry too much about it. When they're a little older, I'd say that yes, it's important.

[Laura Cook]

Thanks for the replies! I just hadn't really thought too much about finding friends for them at their ages. I think my boys would like to have some other boys to play with besides their male cousin, he is very agressive and plays rough. My boys are all boy, but they tend to be a bit more peaceful.

[LibraryLover]

Not at that age, but it can be fun. My kids get along wonderfully, so that is a blessing. My 17 & 16 yr olds are truly good friends as well as sibs. However, I do like having friends, so I went looking for nice people when they were little. I needed friends; they were fine. A lot of my hsing friends are from breastfeeding group. :D We've been together for several years now. My youngest does have a bf from this group and I love to watch them interact. Lovely.

[ChristusG]

Honestly, I'd rather foster the relationship between siblings first. I want my children to be best friends, to be able to count on one another, to have someone to talk to, etc. I don't want them to constantly ask if so-and-so can come over, to put friends before siblings, etc. My two girls are best friends....yes, they fight and argue, but they play together all the time.

[Laurie4b]

If it's possible (ie you are not out in the boonies), I think it's the best for them to have some playdates with other kids their age, if for no other reason than to get you in the habit of thinking of their social connections. I wish that I had done more of that as a young mom. I was of the opinion that the sibs were fine. I would do it differently now.

[iquilt]

"Social connections?" Do you mean getting in with the "in" crowd or something?

[wapiti]

IMO, kids that close in age are likely to simply be friends with each other. I wouldn't worry about being around other kids much until they're school age.

[Mommyof4ks]

My kids have always loved having friends outside the family just to get away from one another some. They love being together, and they get along better when they get a break to play with others. Just my experience though.

[Wheres Toto]

I belong to a Mom's Club and we go to various playgroups for my younger kids. I don't think they get anything more out of those than they do out of a trip to the playground to play with the random kids there. It does something for me to have familiar moms to hang out with but I don't think it matters to them.

[Mommyfaithe]

It is not necessary and probably not good for them. My kids prefer to be with eachother and their cousins until they are older....Even now, my adult children are best friends with eachother...They also have close other friends...but like eachother (and me) most. That was one of my main reasons for homeschooling.

 

~~Faithe

[at the beach]

I agree with Mommyfaithe. It is not necessary and probably not good for them.

 

I think what is important is that they have human companionship with others who deeply care about them. I would say most often this is family. I think what happens is kids and parents get the idea that kids NEED socializing to grow up normally. Many kids I see have anything but positive relationships with other kids. The book Hold onto Your Kids has some interesting stuff to say about children's friendships.

[iquilt]

I agree that it is not necessary to search out other kids. I always think of my experiences as a child and how we moved with the military. We had other kids in the neighborhood, sure, but family is much more important. The friends I have now did not come from when I was 8 or even from high school. We live in a neighborhood with a lot of kids so they can ride their bikes to any number of yards on weekends so we are not a good one to ask of you are not in a family neighborhood. I think that if we lived in the middle of nowhere and never saw another person except family for their entire childhood they would be just fine.

[mom4him]

I personally don't think so - not at your children's ages, anyway.

I am sure they know other people exist and in due time will gain "outside" friends.

 

IMHO, they learn to share, cooperate, lead and follow just as well when playing with their siblings.

:iagree:

[Ame E.]

Your kids are really young..

 

Ame

[jld]

Just curious . . . what does Hold on to Your Kids say about children's friendships?

[at the beach]

Just curious . . . what does Hold on to Your Kids say about children's friendships?

 

I know lots of people on this board have read and recommend this book. I didn't want to specifically state what I recalled because I could be mixing things up as it's been a while since I read the book and I got it from the library. I really should buy it! Anyway, my recollection is that the author comments that children are really not capable maturity-wise to engage in what the author considers to be "friendship." I don't recall what he specifically says about social interaction but I know that he comments on this whole notion of kids being "friends" with other kids and what that really means.

[Dandelion]

In response to the OP's question, I agree that when kids are young they don't need that much time with others outside of the family (it's nice and fun, but not necessary).

 

Regarding the question above re: the book "Hold On to Your Kids", I read the book a few years ago and although I didn't necessarily agree with everything, I really got a lot out of it...

 

Basically, the premise of the book is that the increased emphasis (and perhaps "over-emphasis") nowadays on giving kids lots and lots of time with peers is undermining the most important relationship and bond in a child's life: that with their parents.

 

Here's a quote from p. 7 that provides a good summary of what the book is about: "For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling, and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role - their own peers. They are not manageable, teachable, or maturing because they no longer take their cues from adults. Instead, children are being brought up by immature persons who cannot possibly guide them to maturity. They are being brought up by each other."

[Garga]

I agree with a lot that Hold On To Your Kids says. I agree that kid's friends shouldn't become the primary focus in life.

 

However, a good friendship with a nice kid is fine. I don't see where the book says not to let your kids have any friends.

 

My son (7) has had a ton of friends for years now. But he is best friends with his 5 yo brother. And whenever any friend comes over, they all play together. I don't let the older kids go off and ignore the younger. And my eldest doesn't want to ignore his brother. He loves his brother best of all. And that's how it should be.

 

There is a balance. Hold On To Your Kids isn't saying that kids can't have any friends. It's saying that if those friends become the primary focus in a child's life--then there's a problem.

[Laurie4b]

I know lots of people on this board have read and recommend this book. I didn't want to specifically state what I recalled because I could be mixing things up as it's been a while since I read the book and I got it from the library. I really should buy it! Anyway, my recollection is that the author comments that children are really not capable maturity-wise to engage in what the author considers to be "friendship." I don't recall what he specifically says about social interaction but I know that he comments on this whole notion of kids being "friends" with other kids and what that really means.

 

I dunno about that. My oldest ds 17 hit it off right away with another little guy the first time they played together at age 3. For various reasons, they didn't really have much contact with each other again until ds was 7 or so. They have been bff since then. They just fit together like peas in a pod! So while 3 year olds developmentally aren't ready for a certain level of "friendship" that doesn't mean that they can't click with someone at a young age who will be a good match for years!

[at the beach]

I dunno about that. My oldest ds 17 hit it off right away with another little guy the first time they played together at age 3. For various reasons, they didn't really have much contact with each other again until ds was 7 or so. They have been bff since then. They just fit together like peas in a pod! So while 3 year olds developmentally aren't ready for a certain level of "friendship" that doesn't mean that they can't click with someone at a young age who will be a good match for years!

:iagree: My oldest is going to be the maid of honor for a girl that she met when at age 8. I think what the author of Hold onto Your Kids was emphasizing is that kids are not able to give and take in friendships at a level that adults are and that we need to keep that in mind. I really do need to get my own copy of this book so I can go back and see exactly what it is he said.

[LibraryLover]

My oldest met his first friend at LLL when he was 8 months old. They are now 21 and 22 and are still buddies. It's nice to have a shared past. He met another little girl at the park when he was 18 mos and they are still good friends, and for a long time her mother and I were as well. My 10 yr old met her best friend at 6 mos old at a different bfing group. lol They are the cutest things together. I love that they have each other.

 

As far as Hold Onto Your Kids. I like some aspects of that book, and have found others to be far too controlling and limiting. And dare I say? A bit paranoid, and not my experience at all. But who says you can't like some part of a book, but not others? :D Plus, not everyone comes from a large family with built-in mates. A good friendship is a lovely addition to one's life.

Edited April 21, 2010 by LibraryLover