Allowable negative homeschool comments?

[Tracey in TX]

DS has informed me that our exchange student has been making negative comments regarding homeschool? X need to be in school. You'd learn better if... This needs to be taught...

I'm seething. As a certified teacher--and an adult, for heavens sakes!--I don't need a snot-nosed, know-it-all putting garbage in my DC's heads. Not sure how to handle this. We tried finding a home for him when we pulled the kids out of ps, but couldn't (without leaving district). We want to be fair to him, and let him express thoughts and feelings. Think this is going way too far.

He's from Germany, which frowns up home education. Nevertheless, even though he's living in our home, he needs to accept my parental choices. He's still in school, so it shouldn't matter to him anyhow. Should it?

I feel like mama bear about to stand up and ROAR!

WWYD?

[Sue G in PA]

you won't tolerate his negativity towards YOUR choice to homeschool. He is a child. You are an adult...the adult responsible for him, the adult giving him a place to live while here in the US. When we had an exchange student (many moons ago!), the rules were clear: she was to abide by our house rules while living w/ us. Period. Let him know that if he wishes to debate homeschooling he should do so with YOU or you dh, not your dc, KWIM? I'm so sorry this is happening. Mama bear came out in me when I read your post, FWIW! Got my blood boiling. Good luck!

[Janet in WA]

DS has informed me that our exchange student has been making negative comments regarding homeschool? X need to be in school. You'd learn better if... This needs to be taught...

I'm seething. As a certified teacher--and an adult, for heavens sakes!--I don't need a snot-nosed, know-it-all putting garbage in my DC's heads. Not sure how to handle this. We tried finding a home for him when we pulled the kids out of ps, but couldn't (without leaving district). We want to be fair to him, and let him express thoughts and feelings. Think this is going way too far.

He's from Germany, which frowns up home education. Nevertheless, even though he's living in our home, he needs to accept my parental choices. He's still in school, so it shouldn't matter to him anyhow. Should it?

I feel like mama bear about to stand up and ROAR!

WWYD?

If this exchange student were in my home, I'd have a very serious talk with him in which I'd inform him that he would not stay in our home any longer if he can't refrain from making negative comments about our parenting choices within hearing of our children. I'm serious. He'd be gone if he did that, and I don't care what the complications might be.

[Adrianne]

:chillpill: I would not make a big deal about it. He has a right to his opinion. Who cares what he thinks!

 

Now, after I vented to the hive and dh about it :cursing:, I would just kindly ask him to please keep this opinion to himself as it is upsetting my children and leave it at that.

 

Getting upset might only exacerbate the situation causing him to feel like he is right. Show him how wonderful hs can be. Make him want to be in your homeschool!

 

I have had this problem with my mom recently and I am trying not to make a big deal out of it. (she does not live with us though)

[Jenny in Atl]

I wonder if he is jealous of your kids being able to stay home?

[Aubrey]

Hm...can you threaten to pull him out & hs *him*? LOL--just kidding!

 

Besides the talk the other ladies have suggested (which ITA about), perhaps you could talk to him about some of the political/educational differences between the US & Germany, suggesting that seeing the differences between the way people live here vs there is part of his learning experience.

 

Instead of saying that *we* should be doing things *his* way, maybe he could allow himself to explore the question of *why* we would choose to do things differently. That's a skill that will benefit him throughout his life anyway, even if he never comes to an understanding of hs'ing.

 

GL. I'd have a hard time not overreacting, too, but fwiw, I think he has more potential to grow (& even ultimately effect his own culture positively) by continuing to live w you & see a different set of cultural values, etc. Not saying his are wrong, just that if he's moved so that he can see something closer to what he expects or is used to, his opportunity to learn is more limited. Kwim?

[Janet in WA]

:chillpill: I would not make a big deal about it. He has a right to his opinion. Who cares what he thinks!

Who cares what he thinks? The younger dc. They look up to him, whether we as adults think he deserves it or not. And his negative opinions of their parents' choices will make an impression on them.

 

I had included this information in my post above, but deleted it. Since you asked the above question, I will now share it. We had a 'snot-nosed, know-it-all" teenager making negative comments about homeschooling in our home too. Except that it was our own oldest son. His comments did make an impression on his younger homeschooled brothers. We had no choice but to put a stop to them. And I think Tracey needs to do so too.

 

But you're right about first asking him kindly. I assumed that had already been done.

[Unicorn.]

This is wonderful advice, especially after letting him know that the comments to the children need to stop. If he wants to debate the issue-let him- but only with the adults. As Aubrey stated, take this opportunity to try and enlighten him. It won't be easy though, Germans are pig-headed and stubborn, and don't change their minds easily when they think they are right (just ask my dh-he'll tell you how stubborn I, umm, they are :D)

[Aubrey]

Send him over here! (my DH is from Germany). Hehe

 

I don't know. I think I would just ask him to stop making negative comments towards homeschooling. It would be kind of like him making negative comments about your religion. I am all about free speech and stuff, but it is mean and spiteful to go on and on about it in your home.

 

Or like one of OPs family making neg comments about German education. Maybe pointing that out (kindly) would help him to see a bigger picture. Although I'd say seeing a bigger picture is pretty difficult for *all* of us!

[Danestress]

He's 17. It's bad judgment for him to air his views to your children, but he's 17. I know it feels threatening to live with someone who is criticizing you as a Mom, but in his mind, he's probably not really criticizing you. He's probably criticizing homeschool, lol.

 

I would just tell him very kindly that your children have told you that he doesn't approve of homeschool and that you understand he feels that way but that you made the best choice you could for your children. I would ask him to please respect my position as the Mom by not continuing to open this for discussion because it's upsetting to the family dynamic. But very very nicely and calmly.

[Tracey in TX]

Thank you for the great suggestions! I felt blindsided today when DS started rattling off the comments and needed a place to vent before my head began spinning like a crazy woman!

We encourage hearty debates at the kitchen table, but Student doesn't participate. We're headstrong and opinionated (even in agreement), so makes for loud conversation. I don't have issue with his disagreeing with our choices, just verbalizing those issues to my children.

I'll be talking to him tonight..and then emailing his mom with my concerns.

 

Thanks again, ladies!! I needed the "chill" reminder:chillpill:

[Cheryl in NM]

DS has informed me that our exchange student has been making negative comments regarding homeschool? X need to be in school. You'd learn better if... This needs to be taught...

I'm seething. As a certified teacher--and an adult, for heavens sakes!--I don't need a snot-nosed, know-it-all putting garbage in my DC's heads. Not sure how to handle this. WWYD?

 

My step-kids did this when they moved in with us. They had always been public schooled. I did try to homeschool my step-daughter and that was disasterous! Anyway, I explained to them that homeschooling is a choice their dad and I made for ds. I told them that it put ds under strain when they bad-mouthed homeschooling and that it wasn't fair to him. I also explained to ds that his siblings had no idea what they were talking about since they had always been in public school. The long-term ramifications of this have been that ds wants his papers marked in red with a letter grade on top. He wants finals and year end grades. He wants to know what grade level he is in and he wants to be up to public school grade level for his age. He just recently found out that he's not up to grade level in his math and it has been a huge motivator for him. He also just realized that he is way above grade level in reading and it has made him feel wonderful.

 

Long story short: Explain to your exchange student that he needs to keep his opinions to himself. Also, on your part, remember that he's a child and his viewpoints come from ignorance and maybe jealousy. He either has no idea how wonderful homeschooling is:ignorance or he's jealous that he doesn't get the attention that your kids are getting:jealousy. Thankfully it's only a temporary situation.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

the student was allowed in foreign exchange program with the understanding he would abide by ALL rules set in the hosting family. The organization we went through does not allow negative comments about the host family or country to be aired (obviously, you may get a few here and there...but a continual spat of negative comments is cause for removal and possibly the student to be sent back to his home country). It should not matter, IMHO, that he is just a teenager and from a different country. He is taking part in this program to learn about other cultures and families, not to judge and air his judgments to anyone, especially the host families children.

 

For an example, we were informed of a student who was posting negative comments about her host family and country very early on in the program this year. These were posted on a social networking site in her home country. Her parents were reading these posts and become concerned about what was happing in her host families house. Needless to say, the student was immediately sent back home.

 

Sure, some teenagers will act like snot-nosed brats, but students in the foreign exchange program are not supposed to behave that way.

 

Just MHO :grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

I'm coming in late, but I wanted to express my opinion anyway (and I am half German. LOL)

 

My feeling is that he's a guest in your home while he has a right to not agree with how you parent, he has the responsibility to treat his hosts honorably and graciously. Bashing your educational choices is neither honorable nor gracious.

 

I'd not even entertain a debate with him. It's not his business and you have nothing to prove to him. He's there to learn and be a part of an American family and a lot of American families home school. If this bothers him so much, he can contact the exchange coordinator and request to move. I'd firmly and gently set some limits with him on this topic. He is NOT to continue to insult you and your dh by bashing you to your dc. AT. ALL. If he can't respect you as the parents (and as his pseudo parents while he's away from home) then he can go home.

 

I'm a lioness when it comes to my home. I will NOT tolerate anyone, much less a teen, to come in and spout his opinions on my parenting choices. My home, my haven away from negativity. Period.

[Liz CA]

DS has informed me that our exchange student has been making negative comments regarding homeschool? X need to be in school. You'd learn better if... This needs to be taught...

I'm seething. As a certified teacher--and an adult, for heavens sakes!--I don't need a snot-nosed, know-it-all putting garbage in my DC's heads. Not sure how to handle this. We tried finding a home for him when we pulled the kids out of ps, but couldn't (without leaving district). We want to be fair to him, and let him express thoughts and feelings. Think this is going way too far.

He's from Germany, which frowns up home education. Nevertheless, even though he's living in our home, he needs to accept my parental choices. He's still in school, so it shouldn't matter to him anyhow. Should it?

I feel like mama bear about to stand up and ROAR!

WWYD?

 

I know the concept of home education is rather unheard of in your home country. It is quite acceptable in this country and we chose to go this route and work along a different curriculum. This has nothing to do with your school work and it's a family decision. It is a matter which does not concern you while you live with us.If this does not put the lid on it, I would bring it up to the foreign exchange student coordinator and let him/her have a chat with him.

As a former coordinator, I had a few similar things to deal with. He needs to respect family choices, especially since they do not even concern him directly.

[pixelroper]

I personally wouldn't entertain a debate either but

 

IME all the foreign exchange students I've met (none from Germany) have confessed US ps to be very easy ('a joke' to quote several) and nowhere near the level of schooling they received in their country. This could be a possible angle if you want to try to help him understand. Either way its entirely none of his beeswax.

[lynn]

Are his comments out of ignorance and not understanding the concept of hsing and why it's a good choice for many families? or is he trying to stir up trouble?

[Janet in WA]

Tracey, I hope you won't read this as criticism. It' not. I think what you're doing is wonderful. But I'm feeling like mouthing off more today than usual.

 

I've had quite a bit of experience with exchange students, starting with my high school years when families in our high school hosted numerous exchange students every year. I spent large amounts of time with these students. As a result, I've always felt that if our family were going to host an exchange student (particularly from Europe), it wouldn't be while I still had children of my own who were younger than that exchange student.

[Annie G]

I personally wouldn't entertain a debate either but

 

IME all the foreign exchange students I've met (none from Germany) have confessed US ps to be very easy ('a joke' to quote several) and nowhere near the level of schooling they received in their country. This could be a possible angle if you want to try to help him understand. Either way its entirely none of his beeswax.

 

I've heard this over and over and I wonder why the students keep coming over here. If the year of school here is academically a waste of time, what happens when they go back home? I mean, they have missed a year of learning and can they move on to their universities without that year of study? In our town, the Catholic school has used the same exchange program for more than a decade, so if the education is a waste, why do the kids keep coming? For the glorious experience of American teenage culture? I just wonder.

[A.D.]

Thank you for the great suggestions! I felt blindsided today when DS started rattling off the comments and needed a place to vent before my head began spinning like a crazy woman!

We encourage hearty debates at the kitchen table, but Student doesn't participate. We're headstrong and opinionated (even in agreement), so makes for loud conversation. I don't have issue with his disagreeing with our choices, just verbalizing those issues to my children.

I'll be talking to him tonight..and then emailing his mom with my concerns.

 

Thanks again, ladies!! I needed the "chill" reminder:chillpill:

 

I'm not sure I understand the purpose of e-mailing his mother over this matter at this time. So far he has done nothing more than voice a differing opinion to your children. Making a larger issue out of this would only make sense if it continues to be disruptive.

[Adrianne]

 

I had included this information in my post above, but deleted it. Since you asked the above question, I will now share it. We had a 'snot-nosed, know-it-all" teenager making negative comments about homeschooling in our home too. Except that it was our own oldest son. His comments did make an impression on his younger homeschooled brothers. We had no choice but to put a stop to them. And I think Tracey needs to do so too.

 

 

 

My comment was for Tracy not for you Janet. I have the right to share my opinion with her.

[Audrey]

:chillpill: I would not make a big deal about it. He has a right to his opinion. Who cares what he thinks!

 

Now, after I vented to the hive and dh about it :cursing:, I would just kindly ask him to please keep this opinion to himself as it is upsetting my children and leave it at that.

 

Getting upset might only exacerbate the situation causing him to feel like he is right. Show him how wonderful hs can be. Make him want to be in your homeschool!

 

I have had this problem with my mom recently and I am trying not to make a big deal out of it. (she does not live with us though)

:iagree:

[Volty]

I personally wouldn't entertain a debate either but

 

IME all the foreign exchange students I've met (none from Germany) have confessed US ps to be very easy ('a joke' to quote several) and nowhere near the level of schooling they received in their country. This could be a possible angle if you want to try to help him understand. Either way its entirely none of his beeswax.

 

:iagree:

 

I was just going to post this- he'll probably come around by himself when he discovers what the nightmare/joke the US public school system.Regarding HSing, he knows less about it than Sgt Shultz knew about Hogan's antics. Tell him to open his eyes. Also point out how it's quite rude to come into somebody's house and criticize them.

 

If that doesn't work, bring in the big guns. Invite him to watch Peter Lorre movies with you and drop disparaging comments about Nazis all the time. ;)

[Janet in WA]

My comment was for Tracy not for you Janet. I have the right to share my opinion with her.

Adrianne, you made the comment on an open internet forum. That means anyone can read it and anyone can comment on it. That's the way it works.

 

That said, I don't see where in my post you feel I said you didn't have the right to share your opinion. But if you can point me to that, I'd appreciate it because I wouldn't want to repeat that mistake. Thanks (though not for the negative rep).

[Philothea]

I just want to caution the OP, especially if she is living in a small town or a tight-knit area...

 

If your exchange student is talking this way to your children, he could also be misrepresenting you to others in the community, such as his friends and their parents. I would be on guard somewhat for this, because if he is saying those things in your home who knows what he is saying outside your home.

 

I'm just naturally protective of our family and our privacy, so I just naturally think this way. I'm not trying to accuse or be rashly suspicious in your case, just something to consider.

[3littlekeets]

Just a slightly different take here. I know you must be hurt and insulted by the comments, and I think your colleagues here have done a great job with addressing how culture might play into this.

 

I'd like to add one additional option. I think he may feel quite alienated and excluded as the one kid who gets up and heads off everyday. Is it possible you could incorporate him into the homeschool in some way? Perhaps you could ask him for his favorite German books, or lessons he learned at home that aren't covered in our education? I know it may seem pandering, but I would hope it could be a great experience for all. I'm sure that's why you were generous enough to open your home to him in the first place.

 

Of course, I'd still deal with his need to refrain from criticizing you to the children! But, then I'd look for ways to help him feel even more a part of the family.

 

Many hugs!

[Leah]

If that doesn't work, bring in the big guns. Invite him to watch Peter Lorre movies with you and drop disparaging comments about Nazis all the time. ;)

 

:lol: I had that same thought, but you said it so well!

[yslek]

I lived in Germany from toddlerhood until age 10. I also went to German ps. The last time I visited, I was engaged to my now-dhed, who was hs. Hsing is not legal in Germany, and much stock is put in "experts" in general. The whole concept of hsing was so totally foreign to my church friends there. They couldn't fathom how it could possibly be legal in the US, or how a mere parent could possibly teach their dc. I can imagine that a 17 year old steeped in that kind of culture would easily have the view he does. Plus Germans typically state their opinions quite bluntly; he probably doesn't think he's being rude, just "telling it like it is" :tongue_smilie:.

 

All that is not to excuse his comments, but maybe it helps to understand where he's coming from a little :)

 

Hope you can encourage him to keep the unhelpful comments to himself anyhow.

 

Kelsy

[JWSJ]

I lived in Germany from toddlerhood until age 10. I also went to German ps. The last time I visited, I was engaged to my now-dhed, who was hs. Hsing is not legal in Germany, and much stock is put in "experts" in general. The whole concept of hsing was so totally foreign to my church friends there. They couldn't fathom how it could possibly be legal in the US, or how a mere parent could possibly teach their dc. I can imagine that a 17 year old steeped in that kind of culture would easily have the view he does. Plus Germans typically state their opinions quite bluntly; he probably doesn't think he's being rude, just "telling it like it is" :tongue_smilie:.

 

All that is not to excuse his comments, but maybe it helps to understand where he's coming from a little :)

 

Hope you can encourage him to keep the unhelpful comments to himself anyhow.

 

Kelsy

 

This has been my experience, as well, with the German parents we know.

 

When we mentioned we would be HSing, they just stared at us. Then they commented that HSing is illegal in Germany. Maybe in a more socialist country there is the expectation that the parents do what is expected of them. And putting your kids in PS is expected.

 

For history buffs: Hitler made HSing illegal in Germany. It is one of the few laws still on the books from the Third Reich.

[Catherine]

He is Japanese, and has been consistently respectful, kind, extremely patient with my over-energetic 6 yo, helpful. We have been so very lucky! I simply can't imagine him saying something negative to the kids behind my back. He makes me wish I knew his parents' secrets of good childrearing: )

 

 

Tracey, I agree with the posters who suggested you gently set him straight, and simply ask that he not do it anymore. He probably didn't think you'd find out, and will be embarassed that you did. Blunt or not, he should be able to understand that you don't wish your choices to be criticized behind your back in your own house. Hopefully his embarassment will be sufficient to keep him quiet for the rest of the year.

[Philothea]

Another thing to remember in regards to the attitude towards homeschooling in Europe, many of these same people with a negative attitude also do not understand how a family can have more than one child, or --the horror!-- a family where only one parent works and does not use state subsidized childcare.

[Ananda]

I've heard this over and over and I wonder why the students keep coming over here. If the year of school here is academically a waste of time, what happens when they go back home? I mean, they have missed a year of learning and can they move on to their universities without that year of study? In our town, the Catholic school has used the same exchange program for more than a decade, so if the education is a waste, why do the kids keep coming? For the glorious experience of American teenage culture? I just wonder.

 

I assume every exchange student has their own reason for coming. That said in my experience it is desire to experience the culture. Academically speaking it is the most sure fire way to become fluent. I was a foreign exchange student in France when I was 17. That experience is infinitely valuable. I have a lasting bond with my host family, my school mates, and my second country. I am intimately familiar with the daily life, education, politics, religion, holidays etc. of France. For me it was my coming of age story, I left America an average teenager and came back an adult. Foreign exchange students experience the country in ways that can't be touched by a vacation. I am sorry I can't articulate this better:blush:

 

As far as what happens when you go back, I suppose that depends on your country of origin. I would never say the year is academically wasted, but yes, it doesn't "count". Why is that shocking? Often students will graduate or take their entrance exams before their exchange, then enter university after the exchange. Other students will take a year off and return to high school where they left off. Personally, due to the inferiority of American education:001_smile:, I graduated in three years: two before, one after my exchange. Realize that in many countries (including Germany & France) each year of high school is a very concrete set of classes with few electives. Each year must be taken and passed in entirety before passing on to the following year. The course material directly prepares students for rigorous university exams. American high schools don't teach to the French Bac or German Abitur.

[gardenschooler]

As far as what happens when you go back, I suppose that depends on your country of origin. I would never say the year is academically wasted, but yes, it doesn't "count". Why is that shocking? Often students will graduate or take their entrance exams before their exchange, then enter university after the exchange. Other students will take a year off and return to high school where they left off. Personally, due to the inferiority of American education:001_smile:, I graduated in three years: two before, one after my exchange. Realize that in many countries (including Germany & France) each year of high school is a very concrete set of classes with few electives. Each year must be taken and passed in entirety before passing on to the following year. The course material directly prepares students for rigorous university exams. American high schools don't teach to the French Bac or German Abitur.

 

A family in our church hosted a girl from Germany last year. She was enrolled in the high school, but they didn't really have many classes suitable for her. Her host mom told me that the physics teacher told her there was nothing more he could teach her.

 

She enjoyed her year in the U.S., and has made some life-long friends. I don't think she came here looking for an equal academic experience. :)