ciyates Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Last year our church went through a split. It was very hard on everyone involved. I saw a side of people that I has wished I didn't. I was on a few of the boards and saw a lot that was never made public. The minister was fired (the only time I saw a minister fired not due to sin). He started a new church and we started to attend that with some reservations. Over the last few months we have realized it is not for us. We finally made the decision that this Sunday we would try somewhere new. I am losing friends over the decision to change churches. This hurts deeply. I over scheduled myself and wound up disappointing several people when I dropped the ball. My DS broken his finger at the end of January. It was on open compound fracture with severed tendons. We have gone through one surgery and the break isn't healing. We knew we had at least one more to go now it looks like it will be two. He is expected to be in a cast/splint for at least 9 months. I am losing friends over the decision to change churches. I also had another casual acquaintance tell me today that I had made her feel that she was not a saved because she didn't conform to the traditional mold. I felt horrible. I never meant to do that to anyone but can now see where she was coming from. Our house is dirty, the DS is way behind in school and I can't seem to get enough motivation to get out of my own way. I have never been in a funk like this and frankly don't know how to get out. I am trying desperately to just keep my head above water but frankly I am not even able to tread water right now. I know I sound pitiful and whiny but even that hasn't inspired me to (in the words of my sister) put on your big girl panties and get on with it. How do I get over all of this? P.S. I know in the grand scheme of things this is all very minor but it has all hit me like a ton of bricks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I don't think it's very minor at all. That's a lot to deal with. I don't have much advise but I'm in an overwhelming and stressful position right now and I just try to breathe. I stop and center myself. For you this might be praying. Let go and let God. I'm not Christian but it's still sound advise. Send a note to your acquaintence asking for forgiveness if you feel you should. Even if you don't receive her forgiveness, it might help lessen your load. As for school. Take a break. I know you're behind but worrying will not help. Is your ds able to work with his finger? If so, take a week off and then pick one subject a week to catch up on until your back to where you feel you should be. Most of all, try to cut yourself some slack. We all have rough spots. We all have times in our lives when we feel like we aren't good friends/wives/mothers/daughters. Let yourself grieve for the loss of your church and friends and then move forward. I hope this helps. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in NJ Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 :grouphug: I will be praying for you. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Kalah gave some good advice. Just remember, God understands you in a way that none of these people can. Some of these people may still prove to be true friends. Others, unfortunately, will not. I think you need to give everything time. Give your true friends time to stop and think over what was perhaps hasty reactions. Regroup as a family. Do not take on any commitments right now. You have enough with just your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 For what it's worth, I'd apologize to the friend who feels that you made her feel as if she wasn't saved.....even if that wasn't your intention, an apology will help her and you feel better. Also, you cannot feel bad that a certain church isn't the right fit for you AND you should not stay at a church that isn't the right fit. You did the right thing in deciding to leave. Maybe by 'dropping the ball' in certain areas you didn't go about the best way, but who is anyone to say what is the right way to go about that. If there was a way you could apologize to those that feel you 'dropped the ball', I'd do that too. Lighten your load on yourself and remember that tomorrow is a new day!! Treat it as a fresh start :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Ciyates, I remember your post about your ds's injury and not being able to fulfill your church committee obligations. Honestly, let yourself off the hook for dropping the ball. The extent of your ds's injury required your undivided attention. It would be great to let everyone know you can't fulfill your obligation and try to get it covered, but in the middle of a crisis that's not always possible. I wouldn't let anyone guilt trip you over that at all! I'm glad to hear your ds won't lose the finger. That's great news! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I'm sorry you're going through all this. When I'm in a crisis and things are reeling out of control, I ask God for wisdom and clarity and He is always faithful to give it. He usually pours on some peace, too, because when I ask for clarity, I often see things I hadn't seen before--sometimes about others, sometimes about myself. Just take life a moment at a time. As much as it is possible, be at peace with all people, making apologies if needed; or saying nothing if a relationship or situation needs to decompress before words are stated. And, lean on Him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ritsumei Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 :grouphug: That's a tough spot! I agree, Kalah has some very good ideas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 (edited) Last year our church went through a split. It was very hard on everyone involved. I saw a side of people that I has wished I didn't. I was on a few of the boards and saw a lot that was never made public. The minister was fired (the only time I saw a minister fired not due to sin). He started a new church and we started to attend that with some reservations. Over the last few months we have realized it is not for us. We finally made the decision that this Sunday we would try somewhere new. I am losing friends over the decision to change churches. This hurts deeply. I over scheduled myself and wound up disappointing several people when I dropped the ball. My DS broken his finger at the end of January. It was on open compound fracture with severed tendons. We have gone through one surgery and the break isn't healing. We knew we had at least one more to go now it looks like it will be two. He is expected to be in a cast/splint for at least 9 months. I am losing friends over the decision to change churches. I also had another casual acquaintance tell me today that I had made her feel that she was not a saved because she didn't conform to the traditional mold. I felt horrible. I never meant to do that to anyone but can now see where she was coming from. Our house is dirty, the DS is way behind in school and I can't seem to get enough motivation to get out of my own way. I have never been in a funk like this and frankly don't know how to get out. I am trying desperately to just keep my head above water but frankly I am not even able to tread water right now. I know I sound pitiful and whiny but even that hasn't inspired me to (in the words of my sister) put on your big girl panties and get on with it. How do I get over all of this? P.S. I know in the grand scheme of things this is all very minor but it has all hit me like a ton of bricks. Honestly....I do MUCH better when the crisis in my life is major stuff. It just somehow seems easier to take action towards big stuff....especially when it's major and you can't just shrug and say "maybe later". My best advice for this small stuff....pick ONE. Don't try to take them all on at once, they attack and you can't get up, lol. So choose one thing that you CAN do something about. In the above list, I'd make it the house....because once that is better some of the other things become easier.........schooling in a messy house doesn't work for me.....plus a neat house is easier to invite people from the new church over to begin the process of making new friends....ones who are mature enough to be able to see that you have to do what is right for you even if they don't want you to leave. So....pick a room, and make that your "must do" project for the week. Set a timer for an hour and get to it. When the timer goes off you can decide to keep going if you're in the mood, and if you're not, then you can swipe your hands together and say "there...I worked for an hour, I accomplished a lot, and I AM DONE for the day". Tomorrow and all subsequent days repeat as necessary. When the house is done, work on school stuff: I know that many people start to panic when life forces them to take some time off from school, or the kids start falling behind, but you need to remember that you homeschool....there is no right or wrong way to do it. Ok, so he can't write very well for maybe the rest of the year....that does NOT mean he can't learn. His finger is in a splint, not his brain. Or, maybe this is the time for him to learn to be ambidextrous (able to write with both hands). When that exhausts his other hand, lol....let him do his work orally....if you don't have time right then to listen to his work, let him record it and you can listen to it and "grade" his "paper" later, just like you would if it were written down. Spend this time concentrating heavier on the things he CAN do....maybe go heavier into Literature right now, picking some of the books you want him to read in the next year or two and doing them now. If he's not a strong reader so that could be hard for him to do for long stretches, consider audio books. Most of the great books (even the good books) come in unabridged audio and get him the in hand book to follow along. Stop the CD every other chapter and make him read a few pages aloud for the practice....he will very likely get much better and quickly, when he has a professional reading along with him. He'll learn pronunciation and diction and you'll be amazed how his reading starts to mimic the audio. If he's good at reading, add in some of the comprehension guides to the books he's reading...yes, many of them require writing paragraphs, but let him dictate them (if he has a sibling that needs some typing practice......) or give you his answer orally. This type of discussion is easy for you to do with him while you go about other household duties...fold laundry and talk....dust/pickup/wipe down various rooms while talking....his legs still work, lol. For math....let him try doing the problems in his head and giving you the answer orally, otherwise, have him dictate what he needs to do to solve the problem while you write them out....a whiteboard is fun for this because you erase the previous problem and he has to start his instructions to you all over again....put the 2 above the 5, bring the 1 down below the 5, draw a line and subtraction the 4 from the 5 to get 1, bring down the .....you get the idea. Talking through this detailed really helped my kids cement it in their head. And never underestimate the value of watching truly educational videos on TV....check your library they likely have a ton of them, otherwise, consider a subscription to that discoveryeducation.com. I've heard marvelous things about them, but our library still has videos left for us to view, lol. We also listen/watch the college series from The Teaching Company (plug that into your library search as either keyword or publisher). Their basic math series is well worth buying if your library doesn't have it! We learned a lot of history and art through these....yes sometimes they go over the kids' heads, but they quickly come back down to their level and the professors are definitely not the boring ones I remember from college....these folks are animated and passionate about their subject. And most of all, remember that this is ONE season of your son's education....if you need to go slower, go slower, if you need time off take it.....when his finger and your heart are better than you can push a little more if you feel you're behind....but I'll guess that you'll find you catch up quickly once your head is in the right place for it. Remember, public schoolers take almost half the year off (180 days of school out of 365 days a year). Ok, wow, this got long (yeah, so what's new for me, lol). Take baby steps to get your life back on course, and "don't sweat the small stuff". After your house and your son are back on track, you'll be amazed at how your attitude also improves, and that should make finding TRUE friends who will support you even in the decisions they disagree with or that aren't good for THEM, but are for you.....that clean house and happy son will help! Edited March 10, 2010 by ConnieB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 :iagree:with what everyone has said. Can you take a big break from church for a while - like maybe 6 mos or so while you try to get your house in order? There is a scripture to back this up, but I can't find it (and I can't remember exactly what it says, isn't that a lot of help). There's also a scripture that says you would not go and take Holy Communion if you are angry with your brother. I've never seen one, but I'm guessing a fighting church is bad, bad, bad...like "Satan is laughing" bad. Also, with all the apostasy and heretical stuff going on in our churches nowadays, you shouldn't go to a church where you are getting bad vibes or there's "anger in the air" or where the purpose of a worship service is being overshadowed by squabbling/socializing. I've never been in this situation (we're Lutheran and there isn't much socializing anyway...our Communion services are so long, that everybody's too exhausted to fight :lol:), but if I were you...when you're ready to attend service again, I would look for a completely different church just to start off with a clean slate (not the church your pastor is going to-in other words). And, I KNOW that Jesus said this somewhere...or maybe it was Paul...but if you or your family is a mess, you have to take care of yourself and your family and THEN go back to church. So, the priority right now is helping YOU and your family. Can you and your son pack up your school books and spend the week working on school at the library? That would get you both out of the house in a new, bright environment where you're not thinking about all the stuff that you need to get done. Maybe you guys could get caught up a lot faster that way. Good luck and I think you're a mess because your "friends" are acting like brats and the church you were going to was extremely negative. You don't deserve your friends dumping you just because you don't want to attend a particular church. :cursing: And you're not a superhero, you can't do everything. I hope you feel better soon. Arrrrrgh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiffani Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Hi ciyates, Not going to repeat anything already said, just know that what you are going through is real!!!! :grouphug:Hugs!!! God is faithful! He will get you through this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 :grouphug: Honestly, I would step away from all other non-family obligations and spend time seeking the Lord. We've a few bad situations, one I feel God physically removed us from. As I spent the time to reflect back and seek His wisdom I realized how detrimental the situation had been not only to me but my family as well. I've found a peace about it now, but it took time away from it all to find that and to realize what a tangled web people can create, especially because they're doing it "in the name of God". It sounds like the loss of friendship is weighing heavy on you, that's okay and it can manifest in many ways. :grouphug: I pray you find peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Journey Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I know very much how you feel. My girls and I left the church that we had been going to for 12 years. We made some wonderful friends in that thurch, and my younger daughter had had friends for 12 years (she was born when we were going there and was 12 when we left). She had a very, very, very bestest friend from there and these girls LOVED each other so much and had so much in common. It was a friendship that kids don't really have these days. Well, when I made the decision to leave (because of things that I didn't agree with within the church) ALL of our friends (of 12 years) dumped us. The mother of the girl who was my daughter's best friend also told me that both she and her husband decided that I was a bad influence on her daughter (never told me why though). That was two years ago and I still think about what she said to me, every day and it doesn't hurt any less today than it did two years ago, even though I KNOW I wasn't a bad influence. I do believe now that the members of that church will only associate with other members of that church. I call it sad and legalistic. They have no idea how much hurt they cause people. So, I do know what you are going through and it is not fun or right. I still struggle, my girls still struggle but all we can do is pray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I know I sound pitiful and whiny but even that hasn't inspired me to (in the words of my sister) put on your big girl panties and get on with it. How do I get over all of this? But I hate this phrase and I really think it's a way that women demean other women and make them feel ashamed and diminished by their struggles. Your son's finger was crushed and you are going to have to deal with a major lifestyle change because of it. Doctor's appointments, medical bills, surgery, his inability to perform tasks. This has nothing to do with you being a big girl or about your underwear. It's hard. Your church split up. That's a difficult and life chancing divorce. I don't know how to motivate you to get the house cleaned or catch up on school. And I do understand that those things need to be done. Maybe your husband or someone who really loves and nurtures you can give you perspective on this. There may be things that those people who love you can show you that you might need to see or hear. But don't allow your heart to be attacked by people who are not going to understand your pain, who make obnoxious statements like the one above and who are not going to lift you up but rather tear you down. This is a hard time and you need to give yourself some grace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Write a letter of apology to a few people. Sometimes we feel that we did nothing wrong, and you probably didn't, but many times it helps for occasions of "false guilt" (like having to make your son a priority over other commitments) Telling people, "I'm sorry this did not work out the way that I had hoped. It is nothing personal; I just overcommited and that is what happened. I love you very much and hope this will not affect our relationship." Many times this can resolve a situation. And that is basically what you need. All these bad feelings floating in the air are sapping the energy right out of you. I agree with the OP about taking a sabbatical from "church". You do not want to be looking to commit to a church in the middle of all these high feelings. You will want to just rest and get your bearings first. Making another committment in the heat of the moment is a recipe for disaster. If you don't feel right about sitting at home on Sundays, maybe take a month and drive across town to a church you probably won't attend long term, just to rest and worship. When anyone asks about you committing you simply say, "We have just come from a bad church situation and we are not ready for that right now. We are just resting and worshiping" Take a week off from school (maybe getting some educational videos) and get your house cleaned if it's bothering you that much. Take control of the things you can control. YOu cannot control other people's feelings toward you other than apologies that is all you can do. Leave the rest in God's hands. He will work it out for you and carry you through this painful time. Remember Elijah in the cave. Perhaps God is telling you: I am not speaking to you in the earthquake (this particular pastor) or the mighty wind (this particular church) but in a still small voice (in the comfort of your own home with your family) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam L in Mid Tenn Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 :grouphug: I haven't taken the time to read all the replies yet. I want you to know that you are not the only one going through a lot right now. Here's what I'm facing: 1. Dh is going to lose his job in a few months if funding doesn't come through. 2. We might be moving to another state before the end of this academic year beacuse of impending job loss. 3. We are behind in all school subjects. 4. My 17 yog has a mysterious chronic illness and can barely function at all. 5. My 12 yob is suffering from chronic acute migraines several times a week. 6. I've had a sinus infection going on THREE weeks now. 7. Laundry is piled up and my dryer is broken. 8. Truck broke down on me a few days ago and I had to walk a mile on the road to a friends house. 9. My house is FILTHY. 10. My school stuff is so disorganized that I can't find the answer key to a test my 9th grader took a week ago. I'll stop there. But, there is more. I want it all to JUST STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry that I have NO helpful words of wisdom. I'm on this stress ride with you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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