Ladies, how do you deal with being the physically "stronger" spouse?

[6packofun]

I don't mean in brute strength (although that may apply! lol) but rather having a stronger constitution in general, more endurance, healthy and rarely sick vs. sickly, tired, etc.

 

My dh is overweight, on meds for high blood pressure and an anti-depressant and he is ALWAYS tired. He's always "not feeling well" in a general malaise kinda way. Lots of stomach upset and back problems (I make him take a probiotic and eat healthy whenever possible). Doesn't want to do much physically, doesn't join in on outside or strenuous activity with the rest of us, definitely won't go to the gym with me...LOL

 

How do you deal with feeling like you are made of stronger stuff, I guess? This isn't a make-or-break relationship issue, but it can be frustrating for me. Just wondering if anyone else deals with it...and how! lol Thanks! :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

soooooooooooo not an issue here. My poor hubby has been dealing with a chronically ill and disabled wife for 17 years <sigh>. In my defense though, he knew what he was getting into.

[Parrothead]

I don't mean in brute strength (although that may apply! lol) but rather having a stronger constitution in general, more endurance, healthy and rarely sick vs. sickly, tired, etc.

 

My dh is overweight, on meds for high blood pressure and an anti-depressant and he is ALWAYS tired. He's always "not feeling well" in a general malaise kinda way. Lots of stomach upset and back problems (I make him take a probiotic and eat healthy whenever possible). Doesn't want to do much physically, doesn't join in on outside or strenuous activity with the rest of us, definitely won't go to the gym with me...LOL

 

How do you deal with feeling like you are made of stronger stuff, I guess? This isn't a make-or-break relationship issue, but it can be frustrating for me. Just wondering if anyone else deals with it...and how! lol Thanks! :)

Guilt works great for mine. My dh sounds like yours without he anti-depressant adn stomach upset. The back problem is often a reason not to do anything.

 

This past Saturday I sat him down and we had a long long talk. He is to make an appointment to see a doctor about his various maladies some time this week. Since he still has not done it, I'm planning on lots of reminders so it is done by noon.;)

[Melissa in Australia]

well I am healthier than my dh, he has multiple chemical sensitivities and I am fine. We don't have any problem with it at all, what is more of a problem for me ( only slightly ) is he is way more intelligent than me. I just feel that sometimes he finds my lower IQ slightly frustrating. not that I am dumb or anything. I just aren't a genius.

[Lilymax]

And to add a twist, how about a DH who is constitutionally weaker, but truly believes he's the stronger of the two of us?

 

Example: Last weekend I came down with a stomach virus. It hit at 9:00 pm. and I was up all night with vomiting, diarrhea, fever, the works. I was in bed the next day, not really by choice, but I was too dizzy and dehydrated to do much of anything else.

 

FFWD two days and he isn't feeling well. His symptoms were a low-grade fever and some gas. He put himself to bed for a day. Never did throw up or have diarrhea, but he keeps talking about this awful virus we both had and how sick HE was. I am like, dude...you're killing me!

 

I'm not the one who collapses on the floor when I stub my toe, either. He's a nice guy, and I love him, but when it comes to physical pain he is totally a wimp...but gets very ticked off if that is ever implied, so I've learned to keep my mouth shut and chuckle to myself over his displays.

 

Labor would've killed him. :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

It's part of life really. The more seizures he has because he forgot to take his meds, the less sympathy he gets from me. His meds make him sleep more than the average, and I used to find that frustrating but cater to it as much as possible. Since having children, my sympathy has fallen down to almost naught. He's not even lactating, so deal with it, Mate!

 

Rosie

[linders]

We have that situation here. Colds? DH on the couch, me doing all the usual. Severe bronchitis? DH at the doc and in bed, me taking care of DC and doing almost all the usual (today, conincidentally). He's never had a surgery or broken bone and I rather dread the day he does. The odd thing is, I have a chronic health issue that is supposed to be debilitating and at most I will go to bed a little early when I'm having a flare up. He goes in for physicals regularly convinced that something is wrong and the most they can find is poor general habits (diet, exercise).

 

I know he does not eat right/exercise/destress in ways that have been recommended by the doc. So my sympathy level is rather low. I'm not mean to him or anything, but I do not do much caretaking either when he is sick. I think he knows that he brings much of it on himself, and I don't see how enabling him will help.

[nova147]

I used to feel bad for DH with his chronic stomach problems, weak immune system, and frequent headaches. But years of watching him ignore the advice of doctors (not to mention ME!) has made my sympathy disappear. When he complains about not feeling well, I generally say nothing. If there is something I need done, I still ask him to do it (and he usually does - though he complains about it a lot). I don't usually ask him to do less essential things when I know he's feeling ill.

 

I am still trying to manage my feelings about the whole thing. In all honesty, it irritates me on good days and makes me irate on bad days. I mean, if he would eat right, take some vitamins, and use the nasal spray his doctor prescribed, he would feel fine most of the time. I guess I don't have any advice on handling how you feel, because I'm doing a pretty bad job at it!

[Aubrey]

We're both pretty bookish, although dh likes the outdoors, whereas I believe God created coffee shops & bookstores to fill that itch. :lol:

 

Dh is definitely physically stronger, but he does have a host of chronic ailments--asthma, allergies, etc. These can occasionally make a difference like you're talking about. All of this is just disclaimer.

 

When dh is sick or feeling sluggish? I threaten him w/ bodily harm. ;)

 

I'm kidding, but I am a terrible nurse. I complain loudly if he doesn't feel well, & he knows I don't like it. He wakes up slowly, & even that is too much like being sick, so we've worked it out where he (usually) gets up first. That way he can wake up in his own way w/out me having to watch.

 

Now, for those who are appalled at such lack of compassion, I'm not any nicer to ME when I"M sick. And luckily, dh mostly wants to sleep when he's really sick, so I can try to stuff my mean-spirited nursing. Otoh, the difference in disposition means I've got a host of cures he's never tried. For ex, just. stop. it. Works better than one might think.:lol:

[6packofun]

He wakes up slowly, & even that is too much like being sick, so we've worked it out where he (usually) gets up first. That way he can wake up in his own way w/out me having to watch.

 

Oh gosh this made me laugh! I completely understand. Sometimes it's just too much to view and stay non-violent. LOL

[chaik76]

Interesting...I wonder how husbands would reply in regards to their wives. I often see that most women seem to have little sympathy for an ailing husband. My husband is stronger than me physically, emotionally, etc. I'm really glad he offers me sympathy and his strength and hope that if he were having the same problems I have I could do the same, whether those were physical, or emotional, or caused by poor diet.

[IsabelC]

My husband is a slow to wake up person, and I Just.don't.get.it! What is the point of prolonging the agony when you have to get up anyway? I leap out of bed and then spend the next 10-30 minutes trying to nag er I mean encourage him to get up.

[nova147]

Interesting...I wonder how husbands would reply in regards to their wives. I often see that most women seem to have little sympathy for an ailing husband. My husband is stronger than me physically, emotionally, etc. I'm really glad he offers me sympathy and his strength and hope that if he were having the same problems I have I could do the same, whether those were physical, or emotional, or caused by poor diet.

 

 

Thank you for this. I am terrible at remembering to put myself in others' shoes. I think I will add trying to be sympathetic again to my list of things to do to be a better wife. :-) DH is really wonderful in regards to my emotional weakness -- I should be equally wonderful in regards to his physical weakness. Thank you again.

[Rosie_0801]

Interesting...I wonder how husbands would reply in regards to their wives. I often see that most women seem to have little sympathy for an ailing husband. My husband is stronger than me physically, emotionally, etc. I'm really glad he offers me sympathy and his strength and hope that if he were having the same problems I have I could do the same, whether those were physical, or emotional, or caused by poor diet.

 

I hoped that mine would look after me as well as I looked after him and he didn't. Didn't on numerous occasions even though I begged (and I sure hate begging.) He left me to more or less fend for myself when I couldn't. Small wonder I have so little sympathy when he either chooses not to take his epilepsy meds, or just forgets, and runs the risk of brain damage and fitting when he's out with the kids. If you were to ask, I'm sure my husband would say he's a top bloke who looked after me to the best of his ability when I needed him. It's nice that he thinks so, but mere thoughts don't count at times like this. It's much better if I don't get sick and don't ever get pregnant again. We all like it better that way :)

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

We're both physically weak. He's had to put up with my chronic illness for 16 years and I've had to put up with his diabetes and chronic infections for just about the same number of years. We've both learned not to whine. He knows when I'm really badly off and I know when he is.

 

I think one difference in our family is that both of us have tried lots of doctors and supplements and medicines. Sometimes he will suggest a therapy to me. He's learned to then back off afterward so that I have time to think about it or google it or read the book. If he nags, it's pretty much a guarantee that I won't pursue it.

 

If he does something that I think caused or exacerbated his illness (ie. have something with dairy in it that is sure to give him infections) I will not give him sympathy but I won't nag him or make him feel badly either. We all do somethings that aren't the best for our health. At least I do. It's the old "glass houses" thing at work.

[Garga]

I get frustrated but try to hide it. I've told and told and told and told and told dh to set up a long consultation with a doctor to explain ALL of his symptoms at once to try to get a dx. DH won't.

 

Instead, he gets a headache that lasts for 3 weeks and goes to the dr for a headache.

 

Then, he gets neck/upper back pain that lasts for 2 months and goes to the dr for the neck/back pain.

 

Then, he gets serious knee pain, where he can barely walk for a few months and goes to the dr for the knee pain.

 

Why, oh why, doesn't he go to a dr with ALL the symptoms at once and see if it's all related? (Those are just three of his problems, trust me, he had a looooong list of aches/pains/allergies/asthma/sleeping issues....)

 

He's overweight, won't exercise and constantly eats food that's bad for him.

 

I guess I'm like the other poster. I'm still working thru how I feel about this and seethe inside a lot.

Edited February 19, 2010 by Garga

[Peela]

Mine is strong but 13 years older than me and has different interests- not interested in exercise or eating well much at all. We both have health issues at times though.

Dh and I are very different people. I have learned to stop trying to change him or wish he were different, make the best of the things we do have in common, which is enough, and make a life for myself that isn't dependent on him for all my happiness. I have other friends, I exercise alone with my ipod, I eat healthy no matter he doesn't like it.

Ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves- no point being a victim to a dh with different ideas or a different body type...just get on with your own life, shine and let him notice that you take care of yourself and it makes you happy. Its a very attractive quality :)

[linders]

Interesting...I wonder how husbands would reply in regards to their wives. I often see that most women seem to have little sympathy for an ailing husband. My husband is stronger than me physically, emotionally, etc. I'm really glad he offers me sympathy and his strength and hope that if he were having the same problems I have I could do the same, whether those were physical, or emotional, or caused by poor diet.

 

My DH readily agrees that he is a wimp. And it baffles him how I can function when I am not quite healthy.

[kewb]

Dh and I are very different people. I have learned to stop trying to change him or wish he were different, make the best of the things we do have in common, which is enough, and make a life for myself that isn't dependent on him for all my happiness. I have other friends, I exercise alone with my ipod, I eat healthy no matter he doesn't like it.

Ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves- no point being a victim to a dh with different ideas or a different body type...just get on with your own life, shine and let him notice that you take care of yourself and it makes you happy.

 

This sounds like my home. Only, sometimes I find it difficult not to get frustrated with him. He knows not to complain about a few of his maladies because I have no sympathy for them. If he lost 100 lbs his joints would not bother him, his back would bother him less, etc. I no longer want to hear it. He will either lose the weight or he won't. I can't do it for him. I provide healthy food in the home but I have no control over what he eats when he is not here.

 

This thread has been a reminder to remember all the wonderful things he does for this family and to top focusing on the negative.