Goodallmomma Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 My 11 year old daughter is trying to send me to my grave. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do about her anymore. This is our 3rd year homeschooling and it has been a fight with her every DAY so far. It's very stressful and puts me in a horrible mood/state of mind most of the time. Now after saying that, putting her back in public school is NOT an option. I'm in this for very distinct reasons and her attitude is on the top of the list. When she was in school she pulled the same stuff she pulls now, but it would take WEEKS to catch her, because the teachers couldn't stay on top of her. She refuses to finish her work or even try to do it. I have tried spending every second of my day watching her and making her do it, but it wears me out and my 2 little ones suffer (10 month old and 2 year old). Now I give her an outline of all the work she has to do for the week and what days. I don't check the work until Friday afternoon (if it's even finished by then). If it's not completed or if its obvious she didn't even try she gets grounded for the whole week-end. On the week days I tell her she can't watch TV, play her DS, play with her toys, or listen to her mp3 player until her work for that day is done. At this point she is doing work until shower time every night and grounded every weekend. My problem is these consequences don't seem to be effecting her. Other then her acting like we are mistreating her and keeping her prisoner. BUT IT'S HER OWN FAULT and I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy to all our friends and family. I don't know what to do. She has been lying sooo much more recently. I've just never met another 11 year old that acts this way and I'm lost in how to handle it. She is rebellious. She fights with her stepfather EVERYDAY. It's like WW3 everyday when he comes home. Of course, I have to say he is sometimes the one out of line. She throws these unbelievable fits like she is 3 years old. She disrupts my home. She throws things. She makes a huge mess at the dinner table if she is told to finish something she doesn't want. She doesn't wash her hair or her body half the time. She rarely brushes her teeth when asked TWICE a day. She avoids brushing her hair. I am just at a lost for words or action to take. I'm embarrassed to talk with the other women in our homeschool group because I'm sure they would label her and then she'd never be able to have any good homeschool friends. I would so greatly appreciate any advice you ladies have. To get a few typical responds out of the way: She is NOT bored with the work because she is too smart, she is not confused with the work because I explain it to her thoroughly until I KNOW she gets it, I have switched curriculum, styles of learning, times of day, added in more visuals and less tests. It's a big mess. HELP! :banghead: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Usually I'm one of the mean moms that says take away everything and let privileges be earned. This time I'm reading your post and thinking "family counseling." Have you ever thought of or tried that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodallmomma Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I have mentioned to my daughter that maybe we should get her pastor involved and have a counseling session with him. Every time it gets brought up she starts crying and begging us not to. She says that she'll stop and that she's sorry. But yes it has crossed my mind. Although I have to admit I worry we will get labeled as a messed up/dysfunctional family. I guess if it changes things for the better IN our family it's worth it though. Usually I'm one of the mean moms that says take away everything and let privileges be earned. This time I'm reading your post and thinking "family counseling." Have you ever thought of or tried that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s.z.ichigo Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 It sounds like you need a long break to mend your relationship and establish your roles as parent and child, without the added pressure of school. I'm no expert....but I do watch an awful lot of Supernanny.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 :iagree: If my family was as profoundly disrupted as yours is, I would seek family counseling. I would not allow my dd's promises or begging to change my mind about this, but I would make it clear to my dd that the purpose wasn't "to fix her", but to improve our family dynamics so that our family could live together peacefully. :grouphug: Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I too recommend counseling and you may want to read up on ADD/ADHD to make sure that isn't involved as well. I would generally recommend you go to a Christian counselor if you are a Christan but not your pastor. Pastors are not usually trained counselors and sometimes have different agendas such as making sure the woman is submissive, telling the family to get along without really taking an honest and informed look at the root problems, etc. Another problem with going to the pastor is when everything is worked out you are embarrassed to go to church because he and possibly others know too much about your personal life. This would be very embarrassing to a teen and preteen girl - so much so that then you have the problem of her refusing to go to church on your hands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 First of all, :grouphug: I agree counseling can be a godsend. Don't be afraid to be labelled disfunctional. Heck, my family put the fun in disfunctional! :D It's ok to be in need, to be broken, to not be perfect, for both you and your dd! Sometimes it takes a while to get in to see a decent counselor. Check to see who is covered by your insurance, if you have it, and don't be afraid to give it a good try, even if you hear some things you find surprising. OTOH, don't be afraid to switch if it's not a good fit after you've given it a fair trial. I think of counseling as a gift, and often, as an adventure. Sometimes I'm reluctant to take the journey, but I'm always thrilled with the destination. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmarango Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 *sigh* this sounds like me when I was young. I definitely had a similar situation. I had a step-father that I didn't like at the time, but it was not strictly his fault. My problems stemmed from the fact that I felt like an outsider and not part of the family. In retrospect, alot of this had to do with the lack of contact with my father. However, I would do/say things to get attention, especially negative attention. I acted out at school all of the time. I wanted to see a psychiatrist, but when my mother finally made the appointment then I didn't want to go. I could care less what the punishments were - my parents tried grounding, taking away privleges, and anything else they could think of. I really just didn't care. I believe that I was clinically depressed at the time, but I never received a proper diagnosis. I think that you need to really listen to your dd. It may take a long time before she opens up as to what the real problem is. You and your dh should go out of your way to truly love her no matter what her behavior. Christina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineMM Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Wow. I'm feeling overwhelmed just reading your post. So sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can think of is to sit down and make a list of every issue, then sort it into categories. How many are general parenting issues, homeschool academics issues, etc. Can things be grouped, i.e. personal hygiene issues, issues with stepfather, general attitude/rebellion/developmental stage related etc. Then look at it all and set some priorities. What is most important to tackle right now. Honestly I don't think you can focus on every single one all at once. You said some of this has gone on for 3 years, so I can't see a fast fix for everything, do you know what I mean? Also "pick your battles" applies here. When focusing on one area, you have to let the others kind of slide until progress is made in one area then the next thing can be addressed. I wish you luck. (And why do you want her buy in to seek help from your pastor? Remember you are the parent. If you want that counseling or advice from the pastor, do it.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 :grouphug: Each child handles life's stress in different ways. When my oldest was 10 months old, her dad and I split. She and I lived with my parents for six years. DH and I remarried, moved far away from my parents, and restarted our family. He has had a better father/daughter relationship with the younger girls. We took her to a counselor at 8yo and thought we had things ironed out. Hind sight is 20/20. I realize that a few months of counseling wasn't enough. Many of her choices, even as an adult, have been affected by the fact that we didn't get her the help she truly needed as a child. Also, I have found that not just any old counselor will do. My 14yo and I currently attend counseling for her anxiety and depression. Her psychologist is above and beyond what I ever expected. She is a cognitive behavioral therapist who specializes in helping young girls. We were referred by our pediatrician and had to be on a waiting list for five months. From what you've described it sounds like your daughter is crying out for help (judging from my own experience). My advice? Get her help now, go to someone who is trained, and be in it for the long haul. Emotional needs don't heal overnight. I've learned this the hard way. BTW, I pooh-poohed counseling most of my life until now. Having the right counselor has been a real learning experience for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolally Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 This doesn't sound like a school problem. It sounds like a relationship problem. I think you have a little girl who is hurting a whole, whole lot. I would quit doing school for a while. Bypass the pastor and take her to a professional counselor. You should have separate counselors for her and for the family as a whole. It helps if they are in the same office and can consult, but she needs her own person who is in charge of helping her get better, not just get the family functioning. . I agree, as backwards as it may seem, that you should stop school for now. It sounds like something dramatic is going to need to occur to turn things around in your home and IMO it can't happen when you're knee-deep in school battles every minute of the day/week. I hope you get some good advice about how to proceed from there...I'm not quite sure myself, but I do feel strongly that some kind of intervention needs to take place for your family. :grouphug: Wishing the best for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this....it sounds very hard.:grouphug: Your dd could be going through a lot of things. First off- yes, I agree with a previous poster- she has 'lost' her father. So, some of this is her way of grieving. I also agree that you should skip the pastor. If they have any training, it's pastoral and not geared to deal with actual diagnoses and treatments. Find a certified, licensed counselor and don't be afraid to shop around. Your relationship with her and her relationship with her step-dad and new sibs is the most important thing to repair first. Academics can surely wait for those things. She needs to be able to express her deepest feelings and it's hard for kids to know the vocabulary for that. Her own therapist can help her do that. If I were you, I'd put the school work away, find a creative outlet for her and let her do that a LOT. Eventually, when the emotional things are better balanced, you can pull the books out and slowly get back into a routine. She does need boundaries and consequences, as all of us do, and after a season of healing you'll know better what those should be. I hope you will have peace and direction as you go forward to love your little girl. May you sense God's presence as He promises us that "He gently leads those who are with young" Isaiah 40:11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RubberChickenGirl Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) I have mentioned to my daughter that maybe we should get her pastor involved and have a counseling session with him. Every time it gets brought up she starts crying and begging us not to. She says that she'll stop and that she's sorry. But yes it has crossed my mind. Although I have to admit I worry we will get labeled as a messed up/dysfunctional family. I guess if it changes things for the better IN our family it's worth it though. It sounds like this gets her attention ....for a brief moment. Don't bluff or ask, just go. Heck with reputation. That said, you do have my sympathies. I have one child that has been what I have labeled Oppositional Defiant, OCD (obsessed with mirrors and hair), and Sensory Integration Challenged (Both tactilely defensive and sensory seeking). All of this I have figured out waaay too slowly and waaay late. He's 17. He throws WW3 fits about everything and anything and has since age 2. He finally threw a fruit bowl late one night and we called the cops. Four awesome officers lectured him about juvenile hall and the foster system and multiple things. It was a God-send. It was like we gave these folks a script of every of one our frustrations and things we've tried to tell him. It really got his attention. Things are still challenging and probably will be till he departs at 18 (promptly at 18), but he is much more careful to chill at much more rapid clip. It does have to get to reputation be d*mned--do what you need to do. Edited January 20, 2010 by RubberChickenGirl typos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 This may sound like a really stupid question, but have you two talked about it? Without shouting, without screaming, without folded arms and blame? If she can't tell you, she might be willing to write you a letter. Dd is getting very emotional, very up, very down, one day angry, the next day silly, then we have a few days where I am simply the worst person on planet Earth. That is, imo/e, pretty typical. But, if this is long term, constant then it does seem like there is a root issue, besides hormones and puberty. I agree with the pp that mentioned her father as being a good possibility. Dd "lost" her father, because he is a shiftless turd. He lives minutes away, but he's as good as gone. It HAS effected her, even though she and dh have an excellent relationship, even though she considers dh her "dad" (vs. biological father). That's a difficult thing to face. :grouphug: Counseling sounds like an excellent idea. Does she have a youth pastor that could work with her? The head pastor could be a little daunting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodallmomma Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 Thank all of you so much for your thoughts, kind words, and opinions. A little backstory...my daughter's father died before she was born. My father is pretty much the only father figure she had until her stepdad. My father and mother both spoiled her. We lived with them until she was 8, so you can imagine the changes in the past 3 years. Mom married a man (whom my daughter adored when we were dating) and had 2 other children. She acts very well towards my boys and never lashes out at them (anymore then a normal sibling). She still gets A LOT of attention although yes a lot of it is negative because of her attitude. Her and my husband's relationship have gone downhill ever since we married. I've tried talking with both of them, but nothing changes. I do sit down with my daughter OFTEN and just talk to her about whats going on. I ask her to open up to me and tell her how much I love and care for her. She keeps saying she doesn't feel loved or that we act like she doesn't exist...but I swear that is so very far from the truth. If I thought for one minute I was neglecting her I would make a major change. I treat my children as equals. Believe me, I'm the middle child myself! haha I honestly believe the "school" issues are a total separate problem compared to the family issues. However last year I did take a break from shooling her for about 3 or 4 months to see if we could get a few things straightened out. To be honest all it did was make her lazy and have an even bigger attitude when asked to do something. I really do not want to do that again. I did write her youth pastor today and am waiting for an email back. If we had the $ or the insurance to cover some AMAZING therapist I would take her in a heartbeat, but we don't. I was in therapy as a child too. My family background is fairly messed up, so I know the importance of getting her to talk these things out. Although my husband disagrees and thinks "all of that" is just silly. So there is another problem with trying to save the money to get her help. I'll do whatever I can, but a pastor might be all I can swing for now. I just want peace in my home. I want my daughter to be a happy girl with a bright future. I want to ENJOY homeschooling the way I see other parents do. I'm ready to see some rewards for all the hard work...just one little accomplishment to brag about ;) But thank you again for all your replies. It gave me much to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Here's an idea, something I have done and had amazing results with when dd had her first bout of womanhood (iykwIm). We had an un-birthday party. She had no idea. She woke up and instead of school we went to breakfast. Then we went and did some girly shopping and I even bought some rediculous junk that I normally would have said 'no' to. It was a day about her, just to tell her I love her. It's amazing how puberty can effect them. Along with all that, she had a card with a nice long letter on the inside, recounting the immense joy she had brought me from day one. If she needs to be reminded that you love her, maybe having your younger dcs help make a random 'we love you' day could help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rookie Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 This doesn't sound like a school problem. It sounds like a relationship problem. I think you have a little girl who is hurting a whole, whole lot. I would quit doing school for a while. Bypass the pastor and take her to a professional counselor. You should have separate counselors for her and for the family as a whole. It helps if they are in the same office and can consult, but she needs her own person who is in charge of helping her get better, not just get the family functioning. This is not going to come out right on the computer, sigh, but here goes. This child lost her father in some way and at some point. Then, in the more recent past her mom married a guy who doesn't adore her and had new kids. It's not politically correct but you turned her life upside down, brought in a strange guy and made a new family with him. (I'm sure he is wonderful but from the perspective of the child.....) Some kids can manage to navigate the minefield of a new families and some have a tougher time. Anyway, I highly suggest a counselor and working on your relationship with your dd. Find something she loves and let her do it, ask her about it and participate if nessesary. I would also suggest that your dh take responsibility for his relationship with your dd, put the past behind him and choose to love this child no. matter. what. It's a choice and I have no patience with step-parents who act like the issues are the kid's fault. When you marry someone with a child you choose to love that child. It's an action, not a feeling so even when you don't feel loving you have to act loving. period. btw, I'm not just making this up, I'm a step-mom. - To a child I choose to love. I agree and also say "skip the pastor" and go to a therapist. Now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodallmomma Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 You know this might be just what she needs. She was asking if just the 2 of us could go to a movie last weekend. I would have gone too if the boys hadn't been sick. Maybe we'll try again for this weekend. Here's an idea, something I have done and had amazing results with when dd had her first bout of womanhood (iykwIm). We had an un-birthday party. She had no idea. She woke up and instead of school we went to breakfast. Then we went and did some girly shopping and I even bought some rediculous junk that I normally would have said 'no' to. It was a day about her, just to tell her I love her. It's amazing how puberty can effect them. Along with all that, she had a card with a nice long letter on the inside, recounting the immense joy she had brought me from day one. If she needs to be reminded that you love her, maybe having your younger dcs help make a random 'we love you' day could help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) I remember what a horrible age that was. No one understood me, no one could have possibly loved me, there were days when I would remember what I had said/done the day before and be totally mortifed. :grouphug: A girls' day, coupled with (if you have any) some stories about your trials at that age and A LOT of understanding could help. Edited January 20, 2010 by lionfamily1999 my spelling is getting worse, how is that even possible?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodallmomma Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 My father (who is actually my stepdad) does not "believe" in them. He believes God is the only answer anyone needs. My mom (who is now divorced from my stepdad) does not have the money to either. My father and I have talked about it before. He just says I need to pray about it. That God will fix it and show me how to change what I need to change. But in the mean time he spoils her rotten and down plays every punishment we put on her. To be honest I kind of need my parents to stay out of it. Someone said there might be a group of baptist therapist who would see us for free or discount. But I'm not baptist and not sure how to find them. I'll have to do some investigating. ;) Would your parents help pay for a therapist? Defiantly something worth asking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I was having trouble with my 11 year old, but I too decided to spend special time with her first. I started meeting her needs first (like a toddler) by reading to her alone in my bed every morning. She has responded to the attention by doing a complete turn around in behavior. Now it's easier to enjoy her, and give her positive attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Sweetie, we are ALL dysfunctional in some way or another, so you can pretty much take that 'label' as meaning NORMAL. ;) That being said, counseling seems like a really good idea. And, as a previous poster stated, YOU are the parent. YOU make the decisions on this, not your daughter. But also, HUG your daughter. Put a hand on her shoulder once in awhile, just to let her know you're there. At these times, you don't have to say a thing. Just be there. I will be praying for you! (I have an 11yo dd myself. The age is difficult enough but it sounds like your dd has some more deeply rooted challenges.) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I'd really encourage you to do what you can to find a professional counselor rather than your pastor for a couple of reasons. One, most pastors aren't equipped to deal with more serious issues, especially with kids. Chances are really good that he'll refer you to someone else--so you might check with him for resources to pursue. Two, it would probably be better to find someone who is 100% outside your family's normal sphere of interaction. Your dd (and you and your family) will probably have a harder time opening up to someone she knows she's going to have to see regularly and interact with in other, non-counseling situations. A completely neutral third party is a much better idea all around. I hear you about the school vs. family issues, and it does sound like she has some issues just with school. But if there are family issues there too, it's definitely going to affect her schooling, especially if there is conflict with you. So there's not much of a chance (IMO) of tackling the school issues if the relationship issues aren't addressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I was having trouble with my 11 year old, but I too decided to spend special time with her first. I started meeting her needs first (like a toddler) by reading to her alone in my bed every morning. She has responded to the attention by doing a complete turn around in behavior. Now it's easier to enjoy her, and give her positive attention. I see that this dd is your oldest. When my oldest was this age, she was very much like this, and I reacted horribly. It became a test of wills; I was really starting to believe that she was an overly rebellious child, and there must be something "wrong" with her - after all, my friends didn't seem to be having those kind of clashes with their kids. Well, to make a long story short, she's come out the other end (not without some counseling related to self-harming), and she's wonderful. And now her younger sister is "that" age and we're living it all again. Now that I have some experience, I have a boatload more patience, and am able to show love at the right times. So the above advice could really go a long way - probably not in making it all go away, but helping her through it, and giving you some perspective. Away from the heat of battle, you may be able to gauge better whether this is the "normal" throes of adolescence, or something more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hold on to your Kids by Gorden Neufeld. Tells you how to reconnect. Very specific advice. I highly recommend it. Heres a link to an Amazon page. But its probably at your library. (my apostrophe key isnt working) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Most counties seem to have counselors on a sliding scale. I'd look for a Community Services Board in your area. It's a government agency. I would not involve your parents at all, and, if your father dive-bombs your parenting efforts, I'd limit visits and phone calls until you develop some strategies. While I think the best way to handle any family counseling is to have both parents on board, don't let that stop you from going by yourself if you find your husband is not willing to participate. Again, lots of :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Honestly - counselling is definitely in order, but necessarily for your DD first and foremost. You say there are big problems in the relationship between her and your Dh, and NEITHER of them change? She's 11, that makes sense for her. But for your husband to knowingly and intentionally keep behaving in a way that continues to harm your DD honestly boggles my mind. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but your daughter isn't the problem here - she's just the most obvious "symptom" of a bigger family issue, including a stepfather who doesn't seem to want to work hard enough for her happiness (and after what she's been through with him, he's going to have to work REALLY hard to fix that relationship), a grandfather who spoils her and marginalizes the work her parents are doing, likely at this stage in her life wondering how her life would be different if her "real" father were still alive to take care of her (she probably has a lot in common with the "how I feel about adoption" thread).... there's a LOT going on here. No judgment here - I've been in both her shoes and yours (though with differing "symptoms" since my kids are younger). But you can't "fix" just your daughter, because she's not the root of the problem. As the core family unit, you and your DH need to go to counseling and address these issues together. And THEN, once your daughter sees that you guys go to counseling and don't grow horns :tongue_smilie:, she may be more willing to see someone herself. Again, I hope this doesn't sound too harsh - I know how stressed out and beaten down this must have you feeling. I just want to encourage you to see that she's not a problem child - she's a child in a troubled situation, and she's the only one in that situation who's not mature enough to "mask" the problem, so it shows through in her. I was in a similar position, and ir hurt a LOT to put away enough of my pride to see that my kids weren't the issue - the somewhat dysfunctional relationships my DH and I had between him and myself, our kids, our parents, and our church were. When we got the straight, the kids followed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Please, definitely get counseling. Not from your pastor. Your family needs some long-term counseling, and pastors are not usually trained for that. Find a good Christian counselor who can help. Second, giving her all the assignments for the whole week and not checking until Friday is not working. She's not ready for that responsibility. (My uber-responsible girl was not ready at 11 for that either--it's just plain overwhelming.) Her work needs to be checked daily at the least. I would actually recommend checking each assignment as it's done, that very minute. Not in a punitive you-can't-handle-it way, but in a smiling, encouraging way. Do this, and she will learn over the next year how to manage the workload. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodallmomma Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) Well just wanted to update everyone. My daughter's insurance WILL cover a therapist as long as we can get our PCP to give us a referral. I have set an appointment for tomorrow morning. I hope that we don't have any problems. Also wanted to state I do not believe my daughter is a "problem" child. It's very obvious to me something is wrong in our family dynamic. My hands are somewhat tied with my husband. He will not listen to my feelings on the situation. My daughter is extremely disrespectful towards him. He is an ex Marine, so you can imagine how he acts when he feels disrespected. BUT he doesn't try to think of her feelings. This has bothered me for about 2 years now. It has become a battleground in our home when I defend her (which I do oftend). I feel like I have to constantly be the mediator. I have to step in between them and tell them to stop and calm down..etc. My husband says I am downplaying his authority when I do this or when I come to her "rescue". Its a very difficult position to be in. I have told him that he would do the same if he was remarried and his wife was treating the boys this way. He just says I'm wrong and that "he can't do anything in his own house". I really don't know how to change his mind. I've purchased many books on parenting and marriage. I encourage him to read just one, but the books just sit and collect dust.I've tried to get him to join a small group for fathers at our church. I've tried to get him involved in marriage and parenting small groups with me. He just shows no interest. He wants it fix NOW but refuses to see that he has in faults. I just hope that if my daughter gets to see a therapist that it will at least give her a place to go and work through her hurts. I'll keep trying to work on my husband and hopefully God will intervene. Thanks again ladies. All though I feel like most of you must think I'm a horrible parent right now, it does feel good to get this off my chest. Edited January 20, 2010 by Goodallmomma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Well just wanted to update everyone. My daughter's insurance WILL cover a therapist as long as we can get our PCP to give us a referral. I have set an appointment for tomorrow morning. Good News! The more I'm reading here, the more our situation sounds alike. I'm so glad to see that you are getting your dd help. Good for you mama! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 My daughter is extremely disrespectful towards him. He is an ex Marine, so you can imagine how he acts when he feels disrespected. Respect has to be earned both by him and by your dd. It isn't something that is given just because one is older than someone else or because one pays the bills. As an ex Marine he should know that. I hope everything goes well with your appointments. It is a step in the right direction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I most certainly don't think you're a "horrible parent"! I think you obviously love your daughter a great deal, and are willing to try anything you can to help her feel better about things. That, to me, is the complete opposite of a horrible parent. I love much of the advice posted here. I would like to add one thing that has completely changed my life and helped me greatly improve my relationship with my son (and everyone else in my life). We were having a lot of problems with him (very challenging from birth) and I was caught in a cycle of focusing on all these horrible things, and how awful it all was. Then one day I finally got it that my perspective counted for a whole lot, and it would probably serve me well to start focusing on what I *did* want, rather than what I *didn't* want. So I started keeping a 'book of positive aspects' about my son. This is basically a list of things I appreciate about him, and can include anything from "I like the colour of his eyes" (on particularly bad days when I'm challenged to be positive) to detailed descriptions of how absolutely amazing and brilliant he is. When I started focusing on what was working, I started seeing more of what was working. And as my mood and *positive expectation* toward him improved, his behaviour improved. It's a beautiful thing! You might also consider switching your focus from punishment for bad behaviour to reward for good behaviour. As a previous poster said, it might feel to her like there's no possible way to dig herself out of all that trouble. So rather than digging out of trouble just to get back to normal (which also wasn't making her happy) maybe a clean slate with a focus on rewarding positive behaviour would help. I'm not talking about major things here... more a focus on verbally celebrating a job done (moderately) well, or a heartfelt thank-you at any and all opportunities to discuss what is going right. If the balance can shift even a little in favour of more attention for positive behavour than attention for negative behaviour, it could bring about a big shift in her perspective on what behaviour is more worthy. Sending you lots of support as you work through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmarango Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 There is another book that may be helpful. I would look at Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families." Maybe if everyone (including the littles) comes together to talk about what kind of family they want, then you can all be invested in making a change. Ask everyone to think about what their ideal family environment is and start coming up with a vision. It sounds like there are at least 3 people that are unhappy with the current environment and I would suspect that the other children do not enjoy the situation either. If you can all agree that this is not what you want, then you have at least a starting point to work from. One ground rule has to be that everyone's opinion is respected (even if one of your dc says that having ice cream for every meal would mean that you have the best family ever). Just some random thoughts that were floating around while I was reading that book. Christina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I just wanted to say that I don't think you're a horrible parent at all! I really hope you didn't get that idea. :( I think you're the opposite - you're trying to be both a good mother AND a good father, and on top of that there's a lot of hurts that need to be healed. I think it's extraordinary that you're trying so hard. I just pray that your DH opens his eyes. Is there any chance that you can tell him you want to go to counselling for yourself, to help you learn how to deal with your daughter, father, and your relationship better? They may be able to teach you some tools that will help everyone in your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Well just wanted to update everyone. My daughter's insurance WILL cover a therapist as long as we can get our PCP to give us a referral. I have set an appointment for tomorrow morning. I hope that we don't have any problems. Also wanted to state I do not believe my daughter is a "problem" child. It's very obvious to me something is wrong in our family dynamic. My hands are somewhat tied with my husband. He will not listen to my feelings on the situation. My daughter is extremely disrespectful towards him. He is an ex Marine, so you can imagine how he acts when he feels disrespected. BUT he doesn't try to think of her feelings. This has bothered me for about 2 years now. It has become a battleground in our home when I defend her (which I do oftend). I feel like I have to constantly be the mediator. I have to step in between them and tell them to stop and calm down..etc. My husband says I am downplaying his authority when I do this or when I come to her "rescue". Its a very difficult position to be in. I have told him that he would do the same if he was remarried and his wife was treating the boys this way. He just says I'm wrong and that "he can't do anything in his own house". I really don't know how to change his mind. I've purchased many books on parenting and marriage. I encourage him to read just one, but the books just sit and collect dust.I've tried to get him to join a small group for fathers at our church. I've tried to get him involved in marriage and parenting small groups with me. He just shows no interest. He wants it fix NOW but refuses to see that he has in faults. I just hope that if my daughter gets to see a therapist that it will at least give her a place to go and work through her hurts. I'll keep trying to work on my husband and hopefully God will intervene. Thanks again ladies. All though I feel like most of you must think I'm a horrible parent right now, it does feel good to get this off my chest. I'm glad the therapy will be covered. It's good to move forward. No I absolutely do not see you as a horrible parent. I applaud your willingness to do whatever it takes to get this figured out. Good for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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