Holes in your heart

[Jean in Newcastle]

So this has phrase has been coming up a lot lately in the adoption threads. And I do understand why it is true for many (but not all) who have been adopted. But I find myself thinking that adoptive kids are not the only ones who have these holes. You see the posts by people who have a mentally ill or otherwise "unfit" parent - esp. the mom - and you see that they have a hole in their heart despite having stayed with their birth family. You see those who lost one parent esp. at a young age and there is that hole. You see those who came from a divorced situation where (often) the Dad has never picked up the ball and followed through with being a dad. I have my own hole from going to boarding school at 11 years old. And with each of these holes there is hurt, sorrow, a feeling of rejection and a wish that it had been somehow "different".

 

Over the years I've experienced some healing of my hole. I've learned to just accept the reality that was instead of wishing for another reality. Most of my healing has been God working in me without any involvement from myself. I still have feelings of deep sorrow - often in my dreams. How have you healed/ or has God healed the holes in your heart? (Yes - I said God but answer from your own perspective).

[MariannNOVA]

So this has phrase has been coming up a lot lately in the adoption threads. And I do understand why it is true for many (but not all) who have been adopted. But I find myself thinking that adoptive kids are not the only ones who have these holes. You see the posts by people who have a mentally ill or otherwise "unfit" parent - esp. the mom - and you see that they have a hole in their heart despite having stayed with their birth family. You see those who lost one parent esp. at a young age and there is that hole. You see those who came from a divorced situation where (often) the Dad has never picked up the ball and followed through with being a dad. I have my own hole from going to boarding school at 11 years old. And with each of these holes there is hurt, sorrow, a feeling of rejection and a wish that it had been somehow "different".

 

Over the years I've experienced some healing of my hole. I've learned to just accept the reality that was instead of wishing for another reality. Most of my healing has been God working in me without any involvement from myself. I still have feelings of deep sorrow - often in my dreams. How have you healed/ or has God healed the holes in your heart? (Yes - I said God but answer from your own perspective).

 

:iagree:I just want to thank you for articulating this. Oh my heavens......it is SO true!

I am still healing by His tender mercies and His grace. I have also used the book 'Presence Process' and folks in my family are using/have used EMDR.

 

Mariann

[Guest janainaz]

I had deep holes in my heart from my mother. Those holes have slowly been healed in me by being the mother to my kids that I needed and wanted. Being a mother has slowly healed me. Another thing that has healed me is to see my mother as a flawed human being with hurts and pains of her own. I've learned to not take personally the issues she had dealing with this life and to have mercy.

 

I stopped wishing I had it differently growing up and learned to appreciate the purpose for the pain. It's all part of the bigger picture and you have to choose to see the good in life. It's not always about the love we receive, but it's more about the love we give. We actually have the power to heal ourselves, and that is a God given gift when you consider what love really is. When you love someone you are giving them God.

[babysparkler]

I remember the greatest hole-healing moment for me... I was in college. My hole, that was caused during a long childhood of abuse, neglect and abandonment... and wishing that I had a different life, miraculously began to close when I met someone who had a similar hole, but didn't know the grace that Jesus brings. It was in talking with her, and helping her through the junk that she was carrying around, that I realized that God was bigger than all of that, and that He was right there with both of us, carrying us through to a better place. My hole began to close when I realized that I could take my horror, and use what I had learned through all of it to help and comfort another person, rather than letting it just sit there and make me sick. This verse has always been my greatest healing verse:

 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

[KidsHappen]

Jean, I found myself thinking the same thing, I just didn't think it was appropriate for the other thread. Thank you for articulating it here. Everyone has issues in their life that causes holes in their heart and sometimes it is just hard to see that we are all feeling the same emotions regardless of the cause. Sometimes it is really hard to articulate our own struggles and it is just easier to assume that the people who have had the same experiences as us will understand our struggles better than others. It saves us the pain and trouble of trying to explain what we have been through. It is difficult to see past our different experiences to the common human bonds we share.

[Carrie12345]

My father left when I was 16 years old. He wasn't one to follow through on fatherhood after that. While I was upset, I never acknowledged any so-called holes until I watched him reject my baby sister and then our middle sister in favor of his new family.

 

I'm not healed, I'm just better than I was for a while. Once I was able to recognize that my ex was exactly like my father and that my husband was not, I realized I had been wasting my time trying to "fix" something unfixable when I could be doing something else. The hole will always be there, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have more important, productive, enjoyable things to focus on.

[AuntieM]

Jean, I found myself thinking the same thing, I just didn't think it was appropriate for the other thread. Thank you for articulating it here. Everyone has issues in their life that causes holes in their heart and sometimes it is just hard to see that we are all feeling the same emotions regardless of the cause. Sometimes it is really hard to articulate our own struggles and it is just easier to assume that the people who have had the same experiences as us will understand our struggles better than others. It saves us the pain and trouble of trying to explain what we have been through. It is difficult to see past our different experiences to the common human bonds we share.

 

Nicely put! I concur.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I realized I had been wasting my time trying to "fix" something unfixable when I could be doing something else. The hole will always be there, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have more important, productive, enjoyable things to focus on.

 

See - that's what changed things for me. Somehow moving from looking backward to looking forward.

[Ginevra]

When I was dating my husband, the desparity of how loving, welcoming and attentive his family was vs. my own family's general inattention and indifference did reveal to me a "hole". I grieved it almost as much as someone grieves the death of a parent. Eventually, I just realized that sorrow over how my family could have been, but wasn't and what I wished I had in a family did not determine my future. It's sad and it sucked but I had to let it go. I realized in part that I could have some experience of what I missed through my in-laws and also that I could put together my own family how I believed it should be.

 

I was recently reading the book by Og Mandino The Greatest Miracle in the World. A character in the book lost his wife and son to Hitler's death camps. The character talks about how the grief lasted so long, but that one day, he realized that he was just wallowing in his self-pity. He could not waste the rest of his life over sorrow for what had happened.

 

That part of the book really resonated with me. I lost a daughter at birth. It was almost seven years ago. I think that I have also past the point of mourning and somewhere along the line entered more of the wallowing phase. I made a commitment to myself that I did need to focus on what I do have and how it is, instead of continually focusing on the sorrow of what I lost. No, I don't forget my baby girl and it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt me. It's just that I don't want that to define me any more. I am the mother of a child who is no longer here, but I am also a mother of three children who are.

 

Grief is all well and good and a normal response to loss and sorrow. We all want the Garden and not this sometimes-junkhole life that we have. But I also think at some point, you have to focus on better things, on building up from whatever you do have and stop picking the scab of what went wrong.

[Peela]

I just presume pretty much everyone has trauma in their past. And what seems insignificant to some, and doesnt affect one person much, can traumatise another for life. Some people recover from incredible trauma to lead amazing lives..others dont.

 

My parents separated when I was 13 and I didnt see it coming. We had been a normal middle class family, went on great holidays, mum ran a business from home so we had 2 incomes but a mother at home...I knew they fought but it was never out loud- more like the air was so thick you could cut it sometimes. Then one day they pulled my brother and I aside and told us that dad was going to live somewhere else, they were separating. And he did..he literally walked out the door a few minutes later.

This was the early 1980s, and I knew of no one else in my life who had divorced- none of my friends' parents were separated. It wasn't a part of my world at all. My whole world came crashing down and I went into a deep depression and became very disturbed all my teens. No one knew how to reach me. I was offered counselling and I refused because I didnt even know what it was. I wish they had insisted.

My dad remarried very quickly and made it clear his wife was his priority. My mum got with an alcoholic man. I moved to the country with her, my brother stayed with dad.

I ended up leaving home at 16 to live with an older man who actually saw I was being emotionally abused and reached out to me. I finished school while living with him. Then I moved across the country.

 

It took many, many years before my relationship with my mother healed. The one thing that has healed me more than anything else, is having my own children. I have done lots of therapy, and I have a lot of love and respect for myself nowadays..but its been a long journey. Ive been willing to do the work, to look inside, to examine my motives, to feel the awful feelings so that I can release them. There is no way through the trauma without feeling it.

Having children though just opened my heart to others and took me out of my own pain. And, it reconnected me with my mother.

 

I no longer see these things as good or bad. They are just life. We dont "deserve" them, but we don't "not deserve" them either. Its just not like that. These things are what make us who we are. They make us strong, they make us vulnerable, they give us unique perspectives on life. I am honestly grateful for what happened to me because of where it took me- travelling, leading a very unusual life, and on an inner journey. I am so glad I was inclined to want to lead a very different life to the one I saw people living while I was growing up.

[Jean in Newcastle]

See - I have other holes from abuse, r*pe, etc. These holes were not caused by family or parental choices but they ripped apart the part of my heart that trusts people and feels safe physically. I went through a period of grief, anger and all the rest, but finally came to a point when I said "I am not a victim". I'm going to move ahead even while I acknowledge what happened. I'm sure many of us have multiple holes from different sources.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just presume pretty much everyone has trauma in their past. And what seems insignificant to some, and doesnt affect one person much, can traumatise another for life. Some people recover from incredible trauma to lead amazing lives..others dont.

 

 

I no longer see these things as good or bad. They are just life. We dont "deserve" them, but we don't "not deserve" them either. Its just not like that. These things are what make us who we are. They make us strong, they make us vulnerable, they give us unique perspectives on life. I am honestly grateful for what happened to me because of where it took me- travelling, leading a very unusual life, and on an inner journey. I am so glad I was inclined to want to lead a very different life to the one I saw people living while I was growing up.

 

I agree, Peela.

 

My healing has not been all mental or psychological. The chronic illness I have even now has it's roots in the holes in my heart. I am having to make some decisions to try and take back my physical health too.

[AuntieM]

Jean, if you don't mind me saying....

 

I realize these holes of yours, like the holes of others, have caused you great pain, and no one would wish such things on another. But I just want to tell you that I see in your posts a woman of great character and compassion. I am sorry for the pain these holes have caused you, but I dare say that your response to the hurts in your life has produced a very rich soul...

 

We are all like Swiss cheese, we each have our holes, don't we? I appreciate your observations and I am glad you started this thread.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, if you don't mind me saying....

 

I realize these holes of yours, like the holes of others, have caused you great pain, and no one would wish such things on another. But I just want to tell you that I see in your posts a woman of great character and compassion. I am sorry for the pain these holes have caused you, but I dare say that your response to the hurts in your life has produced a very rich soul...

 

We are all like Swiss cheese, we each have our holes, don't we? I appreciate your observations and I am glad you started this thread.

 

So what, now I'm cheesy?:smilielol5:

 

Seriously, thank you very much. I think these things were allowed to happen for a reason even though I didn't like the experience so much.

[Denisemomof4]

 

I realize these holes of yours, like the holes of others, have caused you great pain, and no one would wish such things on another. But I just want to tell you that I see in your posts a woman of great character and compassion. I am sorry for the pain these holes have caused you, but I dare say that your response to the hurts in your life has produced a very rich soul...

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

So what, now I'm cheesy?:smilielol5:

 

 

 

Well.............;););)

:lol:

[Denisemomof4]

I'm lucky to be alive. I had to jump out of a moving car to save my life. This creep who I had been seeing for a month told me he was going to kill me, and told me in vivid detail how he was going to do it.

 

I rolled down an embankment and ran towards the party we had just left. I passed a fire station and some firemen yelled out, "Hey, you're that girl! We have the police out looking for you!" I don't know what they saw and suspect that I was unconscious because I don't remember it to this day. I don't even know how I got to my car, but I can assure you I was beaten badly.

 

It didn't end that night. He stalked me for a period of time, and I had to move out of the apt. building because the OTHER women were afraid of this madman stalking me. He'd sit on the roof of another building and watch over me.

 

I cut off all my hair, sold my Mustang for a crappy car, and moved back home. And buried the memory of it. But lived in tremendous fear for the next 2.5 DECADES. Once I became a Christian I knew fear was a sin, but it had a grip on me that I couldn't release from.

 

When I was researching my child's adoption issues is when I had the memory resurface. I was reading information on PTSD in relation to my DAUGHTER, and then realized I had had it for 20+ years. I had prayed and prayed for years for God to show me why I had anger issues. I never worked so hard at anything in my life: anger workshops through the church; the anger workbook, counseling, medication. When I finally found out all those years later, I was really angry at God. Immature, yes, but why did my family have to suffer so long with me and my anger?

 

I'm over my PTSD. Somehow having that memory resurface brought tremendous healing. I feel my anger levels are "normal" now. When I watch shows on our veterans coming home with PTSD, it's so sad because I can relate to it all. I haven't been to war for an extended period of time, but to hide out for months, never knowing if this madman was going to find you...... it was awful. I moved to the other side of the US and started a new life.

 

My fear is gone now, too. I even had a fairly long walk out to my car IN THE DARK (a HUGE fear of mine for YEARS) with a man behind me at the YMCA this past week. I really felt ok, but decided I'd knock him upside his head with my laptop if need be. ;)

 

I've done a LOT of healing, that hole in my heart largely filled. But I still have questions. The one thing I told dh I couldn't handle with adoption was mental illness, and that's what we have. I hope some day I can plug up numerous holes in my daughter's heart. I know God sent this child to me for a reason, and I know it's His will for her to be in OUR family. I dont' know if I would have ever remembered what happened to me if I didn't research HER PTSD, question myself, and then go from there.

 

Oh, when my memory surfaced I was a group of girls from our youth group. We were in a hotel and clearly heard a woman being beaten. I spent the night trying to calm the girls. When they were all asleep...... it was PURE TORTURE for me. This on our first outing with the youth group and I was on the leadership team.

 

This kind of feels like I'm saying, "Hello, my name is Denise and I'm an alcoholic." ;)

 

I never thought I'd share this hear, but Jean when I read of your awful past, I felt convicted to do so.

 

Praying for all our holes to heal.

 

(that just sounds wrong!)

:D

[Jean in Newcastle]

Denise :grouphug: I know fear very well too. I'm getting better but don't ever sneak up on me - the last prankster (a very foolish friend) who tried that got clobbered!

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I do, indeed, have a hole in my heart. Sometimes it seems bigger than others, but it is there, always. I do not believe the hole will ever be gone, because it is a baby-shaped hole, and the baby is now a young woman with a child of her own. Sometimes the edges are raw, sometimes I don't notice it. It is kind of like a sore or missing tooth. Somtimes I don't notice it, but then something makes me poke at it and, sure enough, the hole is still there.

[Audrey]

See - I have other holes from abuse, r*pe, etc. These holes were not caused by family or parental choices but they ripped apart the part of my heart that trusts people and feels safe physically. I went through a period of grief, anger and all the rest, but finally came to a point when I said "I am not a victim". I'm going to move ahead even while I acknowledge what happened. I'm sure many of us have multiple holes from different sources.

 

 

Ah... yes. I have one of those holes, too. The teen years were very touch and go for me. Were it not for my mother, I think I would be dead. I never could tell her, but she knew something was wrong and she was there for me every. single. moment.

 

I was in my early 20's when she died and it was like having the world pulled out from under me. My dafe place to fall was gone. For years I struggled to find a way to survive on my own. It was hard. It was a long journey, but I did it.

 

I wouldn't say I still have a hole in my heart, but there is definitely a part of it that feels the scar. It's a heck of a tough scar, too. I'm nobody's victim, and nobody ***** with me. If my mom taught me anything, it's that I'm stronger than that.

[Natalieclare]

Jean, if you don't mind me saying....

 

I realize these holes of yours, like the holes of others, have caused you great pain, and no one would wish such things on another. But I just want to tell you that I see in your posts a woman of great character and compassion. I am sorry for the pain these holes have caused you, but I dare say that your response to the hurts in your life has produced a very rich soul...

 

We are all like Swiss cheese, we each have our holes, don't we? I appreciate your observations and I am glad you started this thread.

 

 

Another poster nodding in agreement here. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I just presume pretty much everyone has trauma in their past. And what seems insignificant to some, and doesnt affect one person much, can traumatise another for life. Some people recover from incredible trauma to lead amazing lives..others dont. My parents separated when I was 13 and I didnt see it coming. We had been a normal middle class family, went on great holidays, mum ran a business from home so we had 2 incomes but a mother at home...I knew they fought but it was never out loud- more like the air was so thick you could cut it sometimes. Then one day they pulled my brother and I aside and told us that dad was going to live somewhere else, they were separating. And he did..he literally walked out the door a few minutes later.

This was the early 1980s, and I knew of no one else in my life who had divorced- none of my friends' parents were separated. It wasn't a part of my world at all. My whole world came crashing down and I went into a deep depression and became very disturbed all my teens. No one knew how to reach me. I was offered counselling and I refused because I didnt even know what it was. I wish they had insisted.

My dad remarried very quickly and made it clear his wife was his priority. My mum got with an alcoholic man. I moved to the country with her, my brother stayed with dad.

I ended up leaving home at 16 to live with an older man who actually saw I was being emotionally abused and reached out to me. I finished school while living with him. Then I moved across the country.

 

It took many, many years before my relationship with my mother healed. The one thing that has healed me more than anything else, is having my own children. I have done lots of therapy, and I have a lot of love and respect for myself nowadays..but its been a long journey. Ive been willing to do the work, to look inside, to examine my motives, to feel the awful feelings so that I can release them. There is no way through the trauma without feeling it.

Having children though just opened my heart to others and took me out of my own pain. And, it reconnected me with my mother.

 

I no longer see these things as good or bad. They are just life. We dont "deserve" them, but we don't "not deserve" them either. Its just not like that. These things are what make us who we are. They make us strong, they make us vulnerable, they give us unique perspectives on life. I am honestly grateful for what happened to me because of where it took me- travelling, leading a very unusual life, and on an inner journey. I am so glad I was inclined to want to lead a very different life to the one I saw people living while I was growing up.

 

I so much agree with what I bolded. I wish I had people in my life that thought like this that I could talk with. We all have our pain, our hurt and broken places. Most people I know try to quantify others' pain and I don't agree.

 

It took me a long time to shake the idea that everything "bad" that happened to me was somehow connected, almost like a curse and that my life would be just one string of deaths of people I love. I can't really remember when it hit me that it was just LIFE...

[Denisemomof4]

Denise :grouphug: I know fear very well too. I'm getting better but don't ever sneak up on me - the last prankster (a very foolish friend) who tried that got clobbered!

 

oh, I can SO relate!!! It's embarrassing, because that's the one area that I just have no control over. If someone sneaks up on me, I throw punches As Hard As I Can as an AUTOMATIC reflex. I have NO control over it. I can't say I feel bad, because I don't think people should do that, but it is embarrassing sometimes. Mostly it makes me angry.