Tell me it's silly to be jealous.

[4kids4me]

Yes, I'm 36 and still complaining about this. :)

 

My mom always spends more money on my sister and it really ticks me off. For example, when she was a kid, she was teased at school so mom went into debt to send her to a private school. I decided to stay in my own high school because a) I was fairly assimilated and b) I knew Mom couldn't afford to send two kids anyway.

 

Fast forward to my wedding...I had a very meager wedding because my dh and I didn't have a lot of money. Mom contributed a little, which I was thankful for. We had our reception in the basement of our church and my SIL decorated. We hired a caterer from our church and had a buffet meal. It was what we could afford. Mom gave me silverware as a wedding gift.

 

When my sister got married she went to our Pioneer Village and got married in the church there (candlelight service) as well having the reception in their beautiful dining hall. Mom gave way more money for that as well as buying a beautiful wooden sleigh bed and night table from a local custom guy (we still have no bedroom furniture after 16 years of marriage). Before the wedding I recall being at Mom's church, in that church's basement, which was identical to the church where I got married. She was telling someone about where my sister was getting married and it was "so her" and she indicated that the basement where we were just wasn't "fit" for my sister. I commented, "ya, because getting married at Pioneer Village just isn't ME." It was so insulting. My sister had WAY less money than I did at the time, yet got her dream wedding.

 

Fast forward to today. Sister's divorced (was married less than three years) and is going through a tough time with mental health issues (hmmm, wonder why). It's cold her in Canada and because she's anorexic, she's particularly cold all the time. She needs new winter jacket b/c she needs to get out and walk. We usually have a $50 limit on gifts but I give her $100 and I figured Mom would give her the same so she could buy a jacket. I recently bought a nice coat which is very warm (down filled). It's rated to go down to -20C, which is perfect for where we are. My coat was "pricey" for me....$249, but then I got 55% off. Yesterday I saw the same coat for 30% off so it'd be $175. That, to me, is a lot to spend, but I splurged and was excited about it.

 

So my mom and sister go coat shopping and she couldn't find anything she liked and would be "warm enough" within a decent price range. They finally found a coat and Mom paid for the difference (meaning the different of my $100).....$350 more!!!! My sister chose a coat that cost $450 with tax! (She's not working right now, but even if she was she could never in a million years afford a coat like this.)

 

You know, I try to say to myself that it's ok, Mom's babysat for me and that makes up for it, etc, but it is just so hurtful. I feel like my sister manipulates both of us and I really regret giving more than $50. I wish I'd just stuck to our $50 limit and left it at that.

 

Am I wrong to feel hurt at this or should I just turn the other cheek and say, "Hey, it's Mom's money and she can do what she wants with it!"? I sort of feel that Mom enables my sister to be sick...and it's gone on since she was a kid! Help me sort this out! :confused:

[Parrothead]

It sounds like some kind of co-dependency thing to me. Maybe you should be glad you aren't a part of it.

[jujsky]

I understand your feelings. I have a set of cousins I'm close to, and my aunt & uncle enable one cousin's drug issues (lives at home, has been in trouble with the police many times) while his sister, a graduate student who has always done everything the "right way," is pretty much on her own. I think sometimes parents feel the need to continue to parent and help the weaker child because they know the stronger child can make it anyway. I also think that parents often blame themselves for the weaker child being....well....weaker, and try to make up for perceived deficits in their parenting. They're not doing the weaker child any favors in the long run, but some parents don't see it that way.

 

Can you change your mom's behavior? Probably not. I'd work on changing your reaction to it, as difficult as it is. Work on letting it go. Your mom loves you just as much, but probably views you as strong and capable. She doesn't feel you "need" her as much as your sister needs her, and is probably giving your sister more because in her view your sister needs more.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you have to deal with this. From the many times I've discussed this with my cousin, I know how much pain a situation like this can cause.

[Verity]

Am I wrong to feel hurt at this or should I just turn the other cheek and say, "Hey, it's Mom's money and she can do what she wants with it!"? I sort of feel that Mom enables my sister to be sick...and it's gone on since she was a kid! Help me sort this out! :confused:

 

It really sounds like your mom feels guilty about something or that she sees your sister as the needy one (info in the post make it seem this way - has sis always had mental health issues?). As a parent sometimes we have to do more for our needier children and it isn't always fair. For instance I pulled my asd kid out of public school months before I considered bringing my second son home - the older son needed it more.

But I can imagine one day the middle son asking why he didn't get to come home at the same time.

 

When you were younger sounds like mom got in the habit of giving to your sis to try to make up for the issues your sis has. In the case of the coat and wedding, yeah, there does seem to be an unnecessarily wide margin between what you manage with and luxuries for ds. I would do some thinking about what exactly you are feeling and what you think would be the best outcome before approaching your mom about this.

 

This has been going on a long time, have you talked to your mom about this before? It really seems like she should do some work on this issue of enabling your sister, it isn't in sis' best interest. And if you have a real relationship with your mom it is reasonable that you let her know you feel like she shows favoritism to your sister and always has. This is a tough situation, the hard part is that if you talk to mom you have to be prepared that she may not agree with you and may even vehemently deny the situation. You need to know what your reasoned response will be to whatever she says/does and be free to take care of yourself in this situation.

[JudoMom]

Yes, I'm 36 and still complaining about this. :)

 

My mom always spends more money on my sister and it really ticks me off. For example, when she was a kid, she was teased at school so mom went into debt to send her to a private school. I decided to stay in my own high school because a) I was fairly assimilated and b) I knew Mom couldn't afford to send two kids anyway.

 

Fast forward to my wedding...I had a very meager wedding because my dh and I didn't have a lot of money. Mom contributed a little, which I was thankful for. We had our reception in the basement of our church and my SIL decorated. We hired a caterer from our church and had a buffet meal. It was what we could afford. Mom gave me silverware as a wedding gift.

 

When my sister got married she went to our Pioneer Village and got married in the church there (candlelight service) as well having the reception in their beautiful dining hall. Mom gave way more money for that as well as buying a beautiful wooden sleigh bed and night table from a local custom guy (we still have no bedroom furniture after 16 years of marriage). Before the wedding I recall being at Mom's church, in that church's basement, which was identical to the church where I got married. She was telling someone about where my sister was getting married and it was "so her" and she indicated that the basement where we were just wasn't "fit" for my sister. I commented, "ya, because getting married at Pioneer Village just isn't ME." It was so insulting. My sister had WAY less money than I did at the time, yet got her dream wedding.

 

Fast forward to today. Sister's divorced (was married less than three years) and is going through a tough time with mental health issues (hmmm, wonder why). It's cold her in Canada and because she's anorexic, she's particularly cold all the time. She needs new winter jacket b/c she needs to get out and walk. We usually have a $50 limit on gifts but I give her $100 and I figured Mom would give her the same so she could buy a jacket. I recently bought a nice coat which is very warm (down filled). It's rated to go down to -20C, which is perfect for where we are. My coat was "pricey" for me....$249, but then I got 55% off. Yesterday I saw the same coat for 30% off so it'd be $175. That, to me, is a lot to spend, but I splurged and was excited about it.

 

So my mom and sister go coat shopping and she couldn't find anything she liked and would be "warm enough" within a decent price range. They finally found a coat and Mom paid for the difference (meaning the different of my $100).....$350 more!!!! My sister chose a coat that cost $450 with tax! (She's not working right now, but even if she was she could never in a million years afford a coat like this.)

 

You know, I try to say to myself that it's ok, Mom's babysat for me and that makes up for it, etc, but it is just so hurtful. I feel like my sister manipulates both of us and I really regret giving more than $50. I wish I'd just stuck to our $50 limit and left it at that.

 

Am I wrong to feel hurt at this or should I just turn the other cheek and say, "Hey, it's Mom's money and she can do what she wants with it!"? I sort of feel that Mom enables my sister to be sick...and it's gone on since she was a kid! Help me sort this out! :confused:

 

Oh my.

 

If we weren't almost the same age, I would swear your mother is my Grandma.

 

She has a favorite daughter (not my mom) and doesn't hesitate to tell everyone ("Oh, she's the light of my life" grandma says to her other 3 kids). She also has a favorite grandchild (uh, not me...the young son of her favorite daughter) and doesn't hesisitate to tell everyone ("Oh, he's the light of my life" grandma says to me & the other grandchildren). Grandma lives on retirement, favorite daughter & her family is very well-off money wise, yet Grandma buys expensive gifts for them. And the daughter requests & accepts them.

 

It is a sick relationship. The sooner you can accept that, the better. It's been very painful to watch as my grandma has gotten older and says more of what she thinks. She's crushed my Mom, and she's nearly torn the family apart because of her sick devotion to the one daughter.

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this :grouphug:.

[Pajama Mama]

It's not silly. You are allowed to have feelings about things. I would feel slighted if I were you. It does sound unhealthy how your mom gives to an excess with one child. Watch out when mom is older. Your sis sounds like the type who might take money from a mother who maybe couldn't afford it.

 

I don't have any suggestions just :grouphug:

[Tess in the Burbs]

My sis/mom and I have the same issues. My parents divorced and my sister stayed with my dad and blamed mom for ALL her problems(alcoholic, anorexic, depression). Mom felt so much guilt she spent tons of my sister if my sister asked.

 

now, my mom gives fairly now but there for awhile my sister got anything she wanted. I paid my way through college, she got a full ride thanks to dad. I worked 3 jobs at times! I worked in high school for my own clothes, car and basic needs while she never had to work. she was given car after car after car(after all being a drunk and wrecking cars doesn't seem to be obvious to stop buying her a car right?)

 

Oh yeah, I could get real worked up about the unfairness. but I had to let it go. I even told me dad recently there is nothing I want of his. She will go in and take whatever when he is gone. I told him to give it all to her b/c I am not going to fight over furniture. He got the hint and I felt better for being honest.

 

they give her more. they feel like she needs the help. If I ask I could get it. The point is...they view me as a healthy adult capable of thriving in the real world. They don't see her in that light. She needs 'help'. And honestly, I would rather be viewed as an adult who is doing well in life than be viewed as needy or unable. It's your attitude and you can change it. It's hard. And you may have to revisit your situation over and over, but it gets easier.

 

It's not worth the stress. It's not fair. Accept it, and be glad you aren't the one people view in that negative light.

[Penelope]

It sounds like some kind of co-dependency thing to me. Maybe you should be glad you aren't a part of it.

 

Agree.

 

IME with this type of thing, this type of "relationship" was modelled to the parent, and yet they don't see it when they are repeating it with another generation. Something to watch for.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I understand your feelings. I have a set of cousins I'm close to, and my aunt & uncle enable one cousin's drug issues (lives at home, has been in trouble with the police many times) while his sister, a graduate student who has always done everything the "right way," is pretty much on her own. I think sometimes parents feel the need to continue to parent and help the weaker child because they know the stronger child can make it anyway. I also think that parents often blame themselves for the weaker child being....well....weaker, and try to make up for perceived deficits in their parenting. They're not doing the weaker child any favors in the long run, but some parents don't see it that way.

 

Can you change your mom's behavior? Probably not. I'd work on changing your reaction to it, as difficult as it is. Work on letting it go. Your mom loves you just as much, but probably views you as strong and capable. She doesn't feel you "need" her as much as your sister needs her, and is probably giving your sister more because in her view your sister needs more.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you have to deal with this. From the many times I've discussed this with my cousin, I know how much pain a situation like this can cause.

 

:iagree:

 

Completely agree! I've even heard parents actually say this.

 

I'd feel the same as you--have felt the same as you, actually. I struggled and struggled to afford transporation for years. Then my parents went and bought my sister a brand new truck. Go figure.

 

Sometimes forgiveness is daily, or monthly, or annually as needed:)

 

PS. BTW, if my parents had gone and bought me a new vehicle too, then I'd never have met my hubby, who sold me a car! You never know how things will work out in the end!

Edited December 15, 2009 by Georgiana D
to add the PS.

[kpupg]

... and because she's anorexic, she's particularly cold all the time. She needs ...

 

I agree with Parrothead that it sounds like codependency. The bolded part really jumped out at me, though none of the other posters seems to have picked up on it. She is not healthy, and I don't mean just physically. Eating disorders and codependency go hand in hand many times.

 

So sorry you're dealing with this :grouphug:

 

Karen

[Kari C in SC]

When I was a kid, we used to joke that mom's favorite was my sister, Michelle. Fast forward many, many years. I realized that because my sister was a diabetic and later diagnosed as bipolar, that it wasn't about being a favorite. It was about giving each child exactly what they need. Some need money, some need time, some need babysitting, some need to be left alone. No child is the same. I am not going to tell you that it shouldn't hurt your feelings. They are YOUR feelings and you have a good reason to be hurt. I am just saying that sometimes parents don't do things equally because they just do what they know best for each kid. I hope you have a blessed Christmas.

[lynn]

It sounds like some kind of co-dependency thing to me. Maybe you should be glad you aren't a part of it.

:iagree:

[bkpan]

When I was a kid, we used to joke that mom's favorite was my sister, Michelle. Fast forward many, many years. I realized that because my sister was a diabetic and later diagnosed as bipolar, that it wasn't about being a favorite. It was about giving each child exactly what they need. Some need money, some need time, some need babysitting, some need to be left alone. No child is the same. I am not going to tell you that it shouldn't hurt your feelings. They are YOUR feelings and you have a good reason to be hurt. I am just saying that sometimes parents don't do things equally because they just do what they know best for each kid. I hope you have a blessed Christmas.

 

:iagree: Thank you. You said it much better than I would have.

[Guest Katia]

It isn't silly. Any time a parent slights a child that child is going to feel hurt, no matter what the child's age. That's just the way it works. And it really doesn't matter if the child knows the reason for the slight; reasoning doesn't stop the hurt.

[Hedgehogs4]

you sound like the stronger one of the family. your mother probably is trying to make up in gifts what she cannot give her in strength. she may be trying to assuage her own conscience for perceived shortcomings of her own.

 

it's not "silly" to be jealous, but it truly is a wasted emotion, it changes nothing, and only wears you down from bitterness.

[tex-mex]

It sounds like some kind of co-dependency thing to me. Maybe you should be glad you aren't a part of it.

 

:iagree: H-U-G-E red flags all over the OP's message. She cannot take any of the behavior of the mom or sister to heart. There are so many things that are going on from enabling to insecurity to mom being the rescuer to sister's lifetime of mistakes. And maybe mom does this because she feels she has failed as a parent to the sister who has some serious issues (i.e. anorexia). Many times the child who is troubled or has issues does get all of the attention and the well behaved child simply gets the leftovers or is "emotionally" neglected. I would talk about this to a counselor -- maybe mom -- but it sounds like mom is in major denial?

[4kids4me]

I agree with Parrothead that it sounds like codependency. The bolded part really jumped out at me, though none of the other posters seems to have picked up on it. She is not healthy, and I don't mean just physically. Eating disorders and codependency go hand in hand many times.

 

So sorry you're dealing with this :grouphug:

 

Karen

 

Well, actually, I just included the anorexia b/c it had to do directly with buying a coat to keep her "warm." She's also cutting and burning herself, has bipolar, OCD, anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. She keeps mom pretty manipulated.

[G5052]

:grouphug:

 

Sorry that you're going through this, but the reality is that your mom and sister are in a cycle that doesn't include you. It's been that way for a long time, and it sounds like it isn't going to change anytime soon. Been there, done that.

 

DH often reminds me that I'm blessed to be fairly separated from the disfunction in my family. Even if it weighs on me at times, better to be balanced and emotionally free than to be tied up in unhealthy behaviors. The holidays seem to heighten the pain, but you have to focus on your own positives and be glad that your life is really pretty good, all things considered.

[Chris in VA]

I would go to a counselor and get some input about family systems. Addictions, anorexia, cutting--all are family diseases, and it's truly helpful to learn what impact these problems have on your whole family.

I'm sorry you are hurt. You CAN heal, even if they don't choose to.:grouphug::grouphug:

[4kids4me]

Thanks to ALL who replied. The encouraging words are very much appreciated. I need to keep reminding myself that these are not behaviours I should be jealous of.

 

Every post has been read and will probably be read one or two more times! Thank you, ladies!!!!!!

[Rosy]

We are in a similar situation with DH's sister. DH's parents don't give her more money necessarily, though they have helped her get "back on her feet" a number of times. But the amount of time and attention they give her can't be compared to what we receive. She does live in the same city as they do and we live in a different state, so I can understand some of it.

 

I totally understand the "jealousy"...in both scenarios, I think what it boils down to is that they have love to give, but they have chosen to give it to someone less worthy. And while I know that none of us is truly worthy (that's what makes it love), we want more from them in terms of relationship and are hurt by the rejection.

 

I think all of that is natural and normal and not unhealthy. What do we do with it though? In my case, I can't let it make me bitter or resentful. I have to continue to love my in-laws, be grateful for whatever they can give in the relationship, and hope/pray for the best for them and my SIL.

 

I think on some level, the "healthy" sibling will always have the respect of their parents...and the fact that they don't feel the need to "help" you/me the way they do the "unhealthy" sibling proves that they can see how well we're doing.

[LibraryLover]

Do you think your mom always knew that your sister was extra-needy?

 

I know it's not fair...it just isn't...no doubt there. And it's also not fair that your mother perhaps saw you as an anchor; someone who needed less (which has nothing to do, ime, regrading how much one is loved). I have a sib who is 'weaker', although you would not know it looking from the outside.

 

I know my parents' care of this weaker sib has nothing to do with how much they love the rest of us...I am confident in that ...but as I grow older, I can see through their eyes that some people need 'more'. My 'needing more' sib is a lovely, loving person, in fact.

 

Everyone is different.

 

Personally, I see differences in my own children...and how one might be more needy...

 

LaurieNE, chalking up not-so-stellar- mommy points from the get-go.

[4kids4me]

Yes, my sister has always been more needy, but she also learned at an early age how to manipulate my mom. As a teen she was diagnosed with allergies. So, for example, we could never sit near the smoking section in a restaurant because she was allergic to smoke. Guess who smokes now? She was allergic to grass, so she could never cut the grass. Guess who ended up working at a conservation area cutting grass? Perhaps her mental illness was showing up then (probably the borderline personality disorder).

 

My sister's issues run deep...it amazes me that two children can turn out so differently. I wish Mom could stop enabling her...for one, she doesn't have the money to be spending $350 on a coat!

[LibraryLover]

That has to be difficult, no doubt. I don't think my needy kid is manipulative, but I will keep my eyes open on that. I love all my kids desperately, but life and emotional issues are so complex.

 

I hope it all ends up good. Sibling/parent relationships aren't easy.

 

Hang in there (and I know that sounds lame, but I mean it).

 

Yes, my sister has always been more needy, but she also learned at an early age how to manipulate my mom. As a teen she was diagnosed with allergies. So, for example, we could never sit near the smoking section in a restaurant because she was allergic to smoke. Guess who smokes now? She was allergic to grass, so she could never cut the grass. Guess who ended up working at a conservation area cutting grass? Perhaps her mental illness was showing up then (probably the borderline personality disorder).

 

My sister's issues run deep...it amazes me that two children can turn out so differently. I wish Mom could stop enabling her...for one, she doesn't have the money to be spending $350 on a coat!

[ConnieB]

 

Can you change your mom's behavior? Probably not. I'd work on changing your reaction to it, as difficult as it is. Work on letting it go. Your mom loves you just as much, but probably views you as strong and capable. She doesn't feel you "need" her as much as your sister needs her, and is probably giving your sister more because in her view your sister needs more.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you have to deal with this. From the many times I've discussed this with my cousin, I know how much pain a situation like this can cause.

 

 

:iagree: Especially the part I highlighted. All that said, though, it is VERY difficult not to feel the way you do. So if you find you aren't able to change your feelings....at least try not to beat yourself up over those feelings. :grouphug:

[4kids4me]

I just need to adjust my attitude. Like you and other posters have said, I can't change them, but I can watch how I feel. I go from the selfish part of me, wishing *I* could have that expensive coat, the the realistic side that says Mom's enabling her, to the sad side that my sister's going through what she is. Honestly, though, I'd rather not be in her shoes. I'm perfectly happy with my life, my husband and children, that I'm mentally healthy and I'm at home with everyone schooling them!!!!