s/o abuse thread

[4kiddies]

I'm curious...if you were abused as a child do you still have contact with your abuser? Do they still abuse others--siblings, grandchildren, neighborhood children? Have any of you reported the abuser to the police?

 

Thanks.

[swellmomma]

Yes, It was my mother, she is stil verbally abusive towards me (even my kids have noticed it). I would cut off contact but my kids don't have contact with any family on their dad's side and I feel guilty cutting them off from my side(if I cut out my mom the rest of the family will cut off contact with us I have been informed). We are moving very far away though to limit contact, the rest of the family won't cut us off is logistically we had to (kind of like a loophole I guess). I have never reported her to the police. She was not physical or anything that left marks. Just verbal/emotional and that is pretty hard to prove.

 

I also still have contact with my first boyfriend who physically and sexually abused me when we dated when we were 16. He is on my facebook, and it was certainly cathartic to have a chance to lay it all out and deal with the past rather than dwell in it. Very healing. He has not abused anyone since we were together and has grown up since then and now has 3 kids. I never reported him to the police.

 

I do not have contact with my rapist from when I was 19 though, and do not care to. I reported him to the police right after he left, though they were less than helpful. I am still healing from this one even though it happened 13 years ago.

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, I still have contact with both my mother and father.

 

My mom goes on and off the wagon. When she is sober I go out of my way to call her frequently and see her if at all possible. I try to make up for the time we miss together when she is drinking. I also allow supervised visitations with my children when she is sober.

 

My father is very ill. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar disorder, and depression. His life is a roller coaster. He goes on and off of his meds, abuses alcohol and prescription drugs, is in and out of various medical treatment facilities, and has been arrested several times on everything from driving drunk to assaulting a police officer. Our coversations are always uncomfortable because he is extremely moody. He is suicidal and I've had to call police to go pick him up several times because he was threatening to take his own life. He has absolutely no contact with my children.

 

Are they still abusive? Yes, when they are under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs they are both verbally abusive to me. I don't consider it emotionally abusive anymore because I have become so desensitized to their behavior. Still, it can be stressful, and there are times that I have to take a break from them because it is just too much for me to handle.

[Hen]

no, it was a step father, and my mother ended up finally divorcing him, after I moved away to live with my father.

 

I still see her, but I do not leave my kids alone with her, or overnight, it's obvious to me that she has serious lack of judgment.

[amy g.]

My mother was verbally abusive, and I have no contact with her. I'm sure she is still making everyone around her miserable.

 

My stepfather physically abused my sister and brother and sexually abused his daughter from a previous marriage.

 

I have no contact with him either. The family line is that the abuse was because of his alcoholism, and that everything is hunky dory now that he is sober. I never want to find out for myself.

 

If my brother ever has children I will VERY STRONGLY suggest that they are never left with either of his parents.

 

Sadly, I think his childhood might have damaged him too much for him to ever be willing to have children of his own.

[OnTheBrink]

Yes and no. My mother is 2,000 miles away. I've tried to have a positive relationship with her and it fails. She will only contact and converse with me on her terms, so I have stopped reaching out to her.

 

Interestingly, my mother was the person in the school district who dealt with CPS. I've had several teachers try to report her for her abuse (blackened eye, welts on my back and legs from a belt and coat hanger) but she has always skated out of any trouble by telling CPS that I was mentally ill and making things up. No one ever actually came to talk to me from CPS. I begged to be put in foster care, but because of my mother's position with the district, no one would listen to me. She'd tell her friends how wonderful she thought I was, create this facade of what a wonderful mother she was so whenever I tried to say something, it looked like a lie. She's a fabulous actress.

 

She has no contact with my kids.

[joannqn]

Long story about how my father and I patched things up:

 

I did not speak to my father for long periods of time. A couple of years would go by before something big enough would happen to cause us to be in contact...like the time he called me in the middle of the night to tell me my grandfather died. Then one day after another couple of years of estrangement, my father called to ask me to drive him to a DUI court date. He previously been arrested for driving under the influence in the middle of Oregon state and couldn't drive himself to his scheduled court appearance because they took his license away. I was so thrilled at the possibility that he might be forced to sober up that I was happy to drive him there. Anyway, they allowed him to go do the diversion route since it was his first offense and he needed his license to work (they gave him a limited license for work only). He was pretty mad that they required him to attend AA meetings as part of his diversion. Well, when his time was up, he continued going to AA meetings, though always introducing himself as "a guest" rather than as an alcoholic. Then one day after 7 months of meetings several times a week, he finally introduced himself as an alcoholic and started really working the program. This was over 13 years ago. One day he called to ask if he could come up for a visit, and made his amends. There were tears all around that day. He's still clean and sober. We get along pretty well as long as we avoid holidays/birthdays and certain conversational topics. He's a great grandfather.

 

ETA: Though he may not agree with all of my decisions for my children, he always follows my choices for them. For example, when he visits and the kids ask if they can play on his laptop (they like playing WOW), he tells them they have to ask me first. I feel he is a safe person to leave them with. It's so wonderful when the system actually works.

 

My mother and I do not speak though. She married a jerk that I cannot stand. I was forced to put up some boundaries, which her husband chose to immediately step over. She sided with him. I do not know her address, phone number, or currently email address. She has not contacted me in a couple of years.

 

My sexual abuser was a neighbor. I finally told someone 7 years later. There was a police liaison officer that was given the information but they never reported back to me. I found someone I believe is the same person (remember it's been 24 years since I last saw him) on the CA sex offender website, and it shows that he is in a failure to register status.

Edited November 1, 2009 by joannqn

[Daisy]

I can't have this floating out in cyberspace. I hope you all understand. I'm really not that brave. I'm a total chicken.

Edited November 2, 2009 by Daisy
To protect privacy.

[4kiddies]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to all of you for what you have endured but many blessing to you for the wonderful parents that you are to your children and for breaking the cycle. My heart cries for all of you.

[GWOB]

Daisy, you are a brave woman. It takes courage to write out what you did. Good for you.

 

Yes, I still have limited contact with my parents, mostly for the sake of my underage sister. When she moves away I will likely have very little contact with my parents. They are still verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I received the majority of their physically abuse. My sisters escaped the worst abuse, though they do occasionally slap my sisters.

 

Yes, I did report them, but like others have said, I was coached in how to deal with authorities. CPS did come to our house after I showed up to school with a busted lip and black eye. My dad threatened the social worker with a gun. She never came back.

 

I will never trust my parents. We will never be close. They refuse to own up to their abuse.

[momtoboys]

I think if someone is in this situation, certain things may make it difficult.

 

1. If it's your parents, you would want to not cut off contact w/ them as much as possible, because you probably still love them because they're your parents.

 

2. Often, parents may not treat grandchildren the same as they did their own children.

 

3. If they are still emotionally/verbally hurting you, they may not even realize they are doing it.

 

4. The person who has been hurt may want to forgive them for whatever they did in the past, and move on from that.

 

So, it could be hard to completely figure out.

[katemary63]

I do not have a relationship with my father. He did admit his abuse and ask for forgiveness. He desperately wanted to stay in my life. I tried several times, but in the end, after several years, I realized that he was just not ever going to be capable of respecting my boundaries. He just couldn't do it. I cut him out of my life and my children do not know him. He sexually abused my siblings and I for over 16 years. I was willing to give him a chance, but there were strict rules about our interaction that he just never respected.

 

My mother, the enabler of the century, also apologized and begged forgiveness for her failings. I do have a relationship with her, however, I don't see her as a mother figure in any way. She has not changed at all. She is still a co-dependent enabler, just with other people. She and my dad are long divorced.

 

My own understanding and ability to acknowledge my sexual abuse did not come until about 9 years after the abuse stopped - statutes were past, so I never reported him - either of them actualy since my mom knew about and allowed quite a bit of the abuse - she would have been legally guilty too.

 

 

I have no knowledge of my father ever abusing a non-family member. However, he was ALWAYS involved in youth organizations such as church youth groups and boy scouts, even before his own children were born and again, after we were grown so....it makes me wonder. Does he still abuse? I have no idea. He has a younger son by his second wife. She knows about the abuse - at least some of it. I hope she protected him. I tried to tell her more - but she refused to allow me to. She says he has changed. He says he is healed....who knows....he still teaches cub scouts. But he's old now...so....I hope not. I do not live in the same state or know anyone he knows so...I've never thought there was anything I could do about it.

[Crissy]

4. The person who has been hurt may want to forgive them for whatever they did in the past, and move on from that.

 

 

I just want to recommend a book that is related to the quote above. I am currently reading Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes. It is gentle and honest, and though I haven't finished it yet, it is helping me understand that forgiveness and healing from a deeply painful offense may be possible.

[MariannNOVA]

Thoughts and prayers for everyone who posted here.

 

I posted a couple of months ago that I was giving a statement to a detective in an aggravated sexual assault case -- I was not the victim and the perpretrator is not a member of my family --

 

I would not let this individual within a mile of any child.

[Peela]

My mother's alcoholic boyfriend who verbally abused me in my mid teens, is still part of my mother's life. As in, he is 18 years older than her, has senility and she is organising his moving into a nursing home this week as he has no relatives.

The abuse was not severe although it had a deep impact on me and was part of the reason for my leaving home at 16. I have chosen to have little to do with the man, although he has continued to be connected to my family. I live far away on the other side of Australia- possibly another symptom of the whole situation.

[wheezie]

I cut ties completely w/ my mom (who was my abuser-my dad sexually abused my sister) for 2-3 years. We had just semi reconciled when she died suddenly of a massive heart attack in April at the age of 57. I never personally confronted her, but my sister did, and was told that we deserved everything she did to us, and that she had no regrets.

 

My dad denies *everything*.