joannqn Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 My husband does not have a good relationship with his mother; he's still pretty bitter about his childhood and her role in it. It was bad enough that he spent a few years in foster care as a teen. I've only met her once and talked to her a handful of times on the phone (her calls are a rundown on the relationship or health status of everyone in the family) so I don't know her well. She's newly on Facebook...as in has only made 4 comments total among all of her "friends". Today, I got my first comment from her. It was on a photo of my 9 year old DD holding my newborn daughter. She wrote, "cute, now, give them a few year's & they tell each I hate you.They all go through that." So, how do you respond to that? My kids (see ages below) are together nearly 24/7 and typically get along really well. They play together, talk, wrestle, create things together, help each other with school and chores, etc. The older two are the best of friends. My two year old LOVES both of his sisters. The boys have a harder time with each other which means they mostly steer clear of each other. I don't quite understand what's going on with them but it seesm to be jealousy. What they are jealous of, I have no clue. About once a month my older two will squabble. Usually it's when they are working together to pick up a room. My son will misunderstand a request or suggestion from his sister as a command and go off on her. His yelling reduces her to tears, which reduces him to tears. Neither has ever suggested to the other that they didn't like them, let alone say they hated the other. She also commented today on my husband's niece's status and said, "I remember your mom calling and saying she was going to send you to me because of your sassyness." It was her first comment to the niece (her grandchild). Well, wasn't that a nice way to say hi. My husband told me to delete her comment, but I want to respond in some positive way...to offset her negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I would defriend her immediately. That kind of blatant nastiness, hatred, and disrespect is not worth your time and energy, and I would have no problem telling her so. It would have been so simple for her to just say "cute!" or any other nice comment, she went out of her way to be mean. It must be her way of trying to justify the things that happened to her, to try and make her self feel good about her past, but what a sick way to do it. To make you question your kids future relationships, over a silly picture comment on the Internet....was unnecessary, and had no possible good intention. I would cut her off, to avoid any future pot-stirring by her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 First, and of course you know this, her comments, as negative and rude as they may be, are not about you and your niece; they are about her and her issues. I'm not sure what you might want to say, but if it were me, I would probably say, "Gosh, I'm sorry that was your experience," and then leave it at that. About the niece, that would make me mad. I am not sure I could be kind in that situation. Personally, I would un-friend her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 My approach to FB is that it should be fun and not stressful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 My sister is like that. In her case, she doesn't even mean to be ugly. She is just full of fear and anxiety. When I got married, she predicted that Dh would have an affair with his secretary, and I'd end up drinking vodka and crying in the laundry. it hasn't happened yet. Every time I've gotten pregnant, she's been certain the baby will have birth defects. Then there was the time that she really believed Miss Bossy was "a bad seed". I just ignore it and chalk it up to own fearful inner life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 Wow! I didn't take it that badly. I just kind of rolled my eyes and thought it was one of those dumb things people say...like saying all 2 year olds are terrible. However, I did want to respond with some sort of positive comment that sort of sweetly says, "You are so wrong." My only worry about her being on Facebook and the kind of comments she seems to be wanting to share is that my husband's sister also accepted her as a friend. (She left a weird comment on her wall too...something to the effect of I heard you look like me know...scary.) It wasn't until a couple of months ago that she has allowed any contact with the family. I'm worried that she might drop all contact with everyone again and my husband is so excited to have contact with that part of the family after so many years of nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 IGNORE IT! And put her on "hide" (she won't know you have done this) so no more of her posts are visible to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 Ok, I responded with: Wow, _______. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience. Our children are such a delight to us and each other. They are the best of friends, and rarely squabble let alone say hurtful things to each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Oh I looked up a bunch of sisterhood quotes. I liked this one: Sibling relationships - and 80 percent of Americans have at least one - outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust. - Erica E. Goode Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Do you have siblings? Do you hate eachother? Personally, my big sister and I are best friends. My sil and I are very close and my brother is the person I turn to when it seems like dh has lost his mind. We're all close. Even my bil. I could not imagine 'hating' either of my siblings, or their spouses. If your experience is different (assuming you have siblings), why not point that out? "Gee, my sister and I get along great!" or "my brother and I are such good friends, I just assumed all sibling got along." She'll get the picture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 I have a severely mentally disabled brother. I'm pretty certain he's unaware of my existence...so we really don't have a relationship. Another curious thing...she has not sent a friend request to my husband, her own son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I have a severely mentally disabled brother. I'm pretty certain he's unaware of my existence...so we really don't have a relationship. Another curious thing...she has not sent a friend request to my husband, her own son. That's odd..... maybe she's scared of rejection? I'm sorry about your brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 There may be a lot of nerves involved in anything she posts...she may be scared to death that someone will take things the wrong way or reject her...and, you know how it goes sometimes, the thing you promised yourself you wouldn't do or say comes right out first. It can be bravado (sp) too. I have a troubled relationship with my brother....I'm always worried so much about how he is going to react that I say kinda stupid things sometimes. Can you, for a time, build a bridge using FB? Keep hanging in there just for a while and see if it gets better. I pray it does. If not, you can always hide her posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetbasil Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 IGNORE IT! And put her on "hide" (she won't know you have done this) so no more of her posts are visible to you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 wow, how negative! I don't know how I'd respond to her, but I CAN tell you that proper parenting AND homeschooling both foster deep, close relationships between siblings. My boys are now 14 an 17.5 and although they do fight sometimes, it's not often and they are still INCREDIBLY close. I always wondered if they'd grow distant through the years, they have not and never will. I homeschooled them until 3.5 years ago and they remain each others closest friend AND sibling. My sister and I fought and were NEVER close until recently, and I think my parents should have gotten involved when we were young. They never did. When my boys were young and they fought, I'd sit and play with them and teach proper ways to address issues, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christielee7278 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Ok, I responded with: Wow, _______. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience. Our children are such a delight to us and each other. They are the best of friends, and rarely squabble let alone say hurtful things to each other. This is probably what I would have said too. I have family who say things like that, not because they are trying to be hateful. Mostly I think they really don't know what to say so they *try* to be funny or clever and in reality it just looks mean or foolish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I would have written the following, it might not have worked for you. "That's an odd comment. My mother only remembers the good things I (we) said and did growing up. That's what I hope to do as well." Whether or not kids actually go through a "I hate you" spell, doesn't matter. It implies that it is her negative views are the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulMama Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think you responded beautifully. Personally, my first thought was to delete her comment and put something sweet in it's place. However, after reading that your DH and his mother are back in touch after a time, I like your response even better, esp since he is glad for the reconnection. That being said, if your MIL is sending friend requests to people around her son, she might be looking for some positive reinforcement that her son is glad to have that connect, and waiting for him to friend her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think you responded beautifully. Personally, my first thought was to delete her comment and put something sweet in it's place. However, after reading that your DH and his mother are back in touch after a time, I like your response even better, esp since he is glad for the reconnection. That being said, if your MIL is sending friend requests to people around her son, she might be looking for some positive reinforcement that her son is glad to have that connect, and waiting for him to friend her. Thank you. I didn't word my reply right. My husband is glad about reconnecting with his sister, not his mother. It was his sister that cut off the family but has finally allowed some of us back in...after her 18yo daughter came to visit us on her own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 deleting the comment and sending a personal message saying, "I hope you aren't offended that I deleted your comment. I know you were probably just joking around, but my children are so sweet and so kind, and they read my facebook, and I thought that comment might sound really negative and hurtful to them." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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