Dh has a colleague (female) who doesn't understand boundaries . . .

[BamaTanya]

He works in a school in his own corner of a large open, public area. Actually 3 professionals share this space and have their own "cubicles" formed from bookcases and file cabinets and other school stuff. IOW, he can't close/lock the door to his space.

 

This other teacher sometimes has a reason to be in the public area, but she makes herself at home. It's not her area, but she does need to consult with the others and/or access records, etc. But she hangs out. Dh has caught her using his computer (accessing her own stuff -- they're on the same network, of course) instead of walking back to her own place. Or borrowing his books. He even caught her wearing his sweater (he keeps it on the back of his desk chair).

 

I don't think she's targeting him personally. According to him, she gets in the others' way, too.

 

I think it's a little stickier with him because he's a man. I mean, wearing his sweater? Good grief.

 

I know it's his place to take care of this. His strategy, right now, is just being rude to her. Telling her he needs his sweater, computer, etc. But still . . . She doesn't get it.

 

How do you handle someone like this? I had a friend in college who messed with other people's stuff, but I could lock my room!

[Emmy]

Her supervisor needs to sit down with her and explain what typical office protocol entails. Someone that would do those things just doesn't understand and she needs to be told specifically - you can't do XYZ. If the supervisor is unwilling, then it would probably be best for one of her coworkers to have the conversation - but not all of them together, she would feel attacked in a group setting.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Instead of being rude to her and hoping she gets it, he needs to be politer and more direct. "I do not like it when you use my computer, look at my books or wear my sweater." or even more direct "You may not use my computer, look at my books or wear my sweater."

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Instead of being rude to her and hoping she gets it, he needs to be politer and more direct. "I do not like it when you use my computer, look at my books or wear my sweater." or even more direct "You may not use my computer, look at my books or wear my sweater."

 

 

:iagree: This person doesn't sound like the type that gets hints. You can be direct and leave no room for misinterpretation without resorting to being rude.

 

Of course, if that doesn't work . . . bring on the rudeness! :D

[Sophia]

Putting on his sweater tells me she's either flirting and your dh doesn't realize it, or she's self-centered enough to think her co-workers are concerned about her and wouldn't want her to be cold or otherwise inconvenienced, even if it means taking their things.

Rude isn't going to compute with her~she needs to be told directly what the boundaries are, preferably by her supervisor.

[Tammy]

maybe he should tell his supervisor.

 

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[elegantlion]

Would it be too subtle to wrap this around his desk?

 

 

 

I agree the direct approach is probably what is going to work best. She sounds self-centered, immature, and probably too flirty. :glare:

[*********]

Putting on his sweater tells me she's either flirting and your dh doesn't realize it, or she's self-centered enough to think her co-workers are concerned about her and wouldn't want her to be cold or otherwise inconvenienced, even if it means taking their things.

Rude isn't going to compute with her~she needs to be told directly what the boundaries are, preferably by her supervisor.

 

I vote for flirting. I mean, come on, wearing a man's sweater? Good grief.

 

Obviously, I could be totally wrong, and this woman just has no idea about any sort of social boundaries. In which case, your dh needs to either be very direct with her, or talk to their supervisor about it and let the supervisor deal with it.

 

Still, I find it hard that a grown woman, with the capacity to work in a professional work place, doesn't realize how being that 'personal' with a man would come across to him. And I would tend to think she's doing it on purpose. Which is not to say your dh is doing anything to encourage her, or even that he recognizes it as flirting.

 

My first reaction when I read your title, before I even read your post, was, 'hunh, I wonder if she doesn't *understand boundaries, or if she doesn't *respect boundaries'. :glare:

[Impish]

Uh.

 

Maybe I grew up really weird in ways I never realized, but...

 

Wearing my dh's shirt, sweater, etc is a relationship thing. Perhaps I never outgrew the highschool mentality, but wearing his shirts makes me feel close to him, esp if its got his cologne on it. I'll be blunt, its a s*xy, and sensual thing to me. And Wolf knows it. Early in our marriage he travelled a LOT. Was gone more than home. It got to the point where he'd purposely leave me one of his dress shirts to sleep in, because it comforted me. (Hey, said I was weird!)

 

If his female coworker was wearing his sweater, I'd throw a fit. Sorry, but I'm honest enough to admit it. MY husband, dang it. Do NOT wear his freakin clothes.

 

I'd absolutely be taking it as a heavy duty come on/flirting thing. If she was cold, why didn't she ask one of the WOMEN in the office to borrow a sweater or jacket?

[ciyates]

I agree it should be handled through the supervisor. This protects your husband on all fronts. IF she is flirting she can't turn it around on him later, IF she is just obtuse then very little short of a smack in the face is going to get her attention. Let that fall on someone else's shoulders not your DH,

[kalanamak]

If the supervisor is unwilling, then it would probably be best for one of her coworkers to have the conversation - but not all of them together, she would feel attacked in a group setting.

 

And the supervisor can't say X (your DH) tells me you blahblahblah. It needs to be more generic.

How old is this person? If they are 30+ ish....good luck. I work with some dysfunctional people, and you'd be amazed how stubborn they get as they age. Also, and I'm not saying this is what is going on, there are people who do bizarre things to help build for a lawsuit or disability. I see them, too.

[kalanamak]

Uh.

 

Maybe I grew up really weird in ways I never realized, but...

 

Wearing my dh's shirt, sweater, etc is a relationship thing.

 

It depends on the work environment. We have a "tight" workplace (because of the violence, we watch out for each other very closely), and food, jackets, tylenol, coffee, you name it, gets passed all over. If it isn't locked in your locker, it is pretty fair game. The place is also huge, so if I pass X's nursing office floors and wards away from my office, and she's not in, I'll use her computer in a heartbeat. And eat a ricecake :).

[ConnieB]

And the supervisor can't say X (your DH) tells me you blahblahblah. It needs to be more generic.

How old is this person? If they are 30+ ish....good luck. I work with some dysfunctional people, and you'd be amazed how stubborn they get as they age. Also, and I'm not saying this is what is going on, there are people who do bizarre things to help build for a lawsuit or disability. I see them, too.

 

My first reaction was sexual harrassment in reverse of the typical male harrasing female. But if this woman is doing the same annoying things to others, maybe, maybe not. But I would definitely go to the supervisor with objections....and if the others in the area also object, perhaps a group meeting with the workers of the area and supervisor would carry more weight. It'll all depend on the quality of the supervisor whether one person complaining will get any action.....but one would hope that all of them complaining would get action from even the worst supervisor.

 

I would absolutely be up front and polite but firm about "excuse me, that's my sweater, I would appreciate your not using it". Not sure about the computer usage, that would depend on the office policy......but I would definitely not stand there waiting for her to finish something if I came back and found her....I'd be polite because I wouldn't want her turning the tables on me and going to the supervisor with "he's rude"....but I'd be firm. "I need my computer back now please" and if she said "in a minute" I'd say, "I need to get my work done now". Then if she won't, going to the supervisor about not being able to get your own work done, well, that speaks to productivity not just boundary issues.

 

Good luck. It's never easy having icky people at work.

[Denisemomof4]

wow! If another woman was wearing my husband's sweater or jacket, I would immediately think something was going on there. She's awfully presumptuous to think it's ok for her to do this. Does she wear other people's clothing?

 

I'd definitely have an issue with that, and I'd also expect dh to address it and immediately let her know that it's NOT ok for her to help herself to his stuff. He should tell her the only woman who's allowed to wear his sweater is his wife!

[BamaTanya]

wow! If another woman was wearing my husband's sweater or jacket, I would immediately think something was going on there. She's awfully presumptuous to think it's ok for her to do this. Does she wear other people's clothing?

 

I'd definitely have an issue with that, and I'd also expect dh to address it and immediately let her know that it's NOT ok for her to help herself to his stuff. He should tell her the only woman who's allowed to wear his sweater is his wife!

 

It would be one thing if dh saw a shivering coworker and said, "Here, you can borrow the sweater on my chair . . ." It's quite another to think a woman is so "familiar," you know. There are only 3 men in this school, and dh is used to helping the ladies carry their things to their classrooms, move furniture, etc. He's a helpful person, but he's also a private person. He doesn't like our dc helping themselves to his toiletries or school supplies that are on his shelf. This is bugging him.

 

Unfortunately, he will have to be the one to handle it. The supervisor (female) doesn't really take care of issues among the workers. She wants everyone to just "get along" without actually confronting anyone.

 

BTW, the lady is 40-ish (married with dc), so she isn't so young or immature that one would think she just needs some training . . .

[tex-mex]

She is either very dense in the social skills department or she is a bit of a flirt. Have you ever made a surprise "appearance" to DH's workplace to bring him lunch -- and see what she looks like? She sounds terribly insecure.

[QueenCat]

For the computer, he should be able to password protect it for access. Even if he leaves it on, he can do this. He may need to be more blunt with the sweater. I would strongly object to a female picking up my husband's sweater and putting it on. It's just not right, and those that don't know her well, could misinterpret their level friendliness.