Left a firm and upset message with MIL's

[Pongo]

Okay, okay I finally broke. After 12 years of marriage I finally had enough of my MIL and called and left her a firm message without throwing any insults (which was hard to say the least).

 

She has only two boys , my ds being the baby of the two. My dh's dad died 13 years ago. She pretty much bosses everyone around and says some of the cruelest things, I have ever heard a mom say to her kids. She went as far as telling my own mother, who is my best friend and is loved dearly by my dh that she did not like her outfit. My mom is very put together, dressed, with make-up and jewelry all the time. My MIL doesn't like that look, I guess:glare: My mom simply said, well I guess it's not for everyone and shrugged it off.

 

Today my two teenage nieces stopped by for an impromptu visit. These nieces are from my BIL's family , they have 6 kids and I am very close with them. My MIL, who has an in-law with my BIL kept calling the older of the two nieces on her cell. She told her it was a shame that I did not invite the younger two kids to come and play and go swimming. My niece explained that it was not an invitation, she just decided to stop in and say hi while she was out. Without listening to what my niece was saying my MIL said, it's a shame your Auntie did not invite the other two kids, I told them she did not invite them and I will do something with them tomorrow.

 

Are you kidding?

 

If I had not been sitting right next to my niece, and overheard my MIL, I think I would have thought it was a misunderstanding. But, no, I heard it. She had the nerve to tell a 5 yod and a 7 yod that their favorite Auntie ( me :)) did not invite them over.

 

I called and left a message saying, " I think there has been a misunderstanding on your part. The girls came over on their own and stopped by. I never have to invite-my nieces and nephews over because they know they are always welcomed here. I would appreciate if you would not tell the younger kids , they were not invited, that is simply not true". Then I hung up, called hubby , shaking and told him.

 

He said, your fine, it's fine. I'll deal with it, I love you. Gosh, I love him.

 

Now I feel like crap, in about 2 hours, when my MIL gets home and hears the message, poop will hit the fan and I as always will be covered in it.

Now I am second guessing my self, I already called my mom, she feels horrible and thinks it's ridiculous that she does this stuff.

 

Should I have kept my mouth shut???? I think I am getting bold in my old age, just turned 40 3 weeks ago.

[jenL]

Your comment about your age reminded me of how my aunt always tells me, "Just wait until you hit your 40s! You won't care what anyone thinks anymore and you'll just say what you feel."

 

As for your MIL, after 12 years of keeping your mouth shut, I would have done the same thing. She is slandering your character to the younger children who are still young and may not initially understand an impromptu visit by your older neices. You did not throw insults, just firmly stated your case in defense of yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, IMHO. Also, DH supports you... that is wonderful! Sometimes people cannot be allowed to continue with bad behaviors when it's hurting others. I don't see anything wrong with your call.

[Pink Fairy]

Let the poop fly! Bullies need to be stood up to, or it just encourages them. She'll probably be extra outraged if you've always put up with her crap, but you've got the goods--the dh, the dc, you're the favorite auntie. She can't hurt you, really, because you have all the power.

 

My FIL is similar. We don't live nearby, thankfully, so we aren't too exposed, but it's up to him to behave properly if he wants access to our family. Since he does, he behaves.

 

Sorry you're worried, but it sounds like you've got a good man on your side, and that's the most important thing when you've got inlaw problems. :grouphug:

[Pongo]

Your comment about your age reminded me of how my aunt always tells me, "Just wait until you hit your 40s! You won't care what anyone thinks anymore and you'll just say what you feel."

 

 

 

I normally keep low, try to avoid her and this stuff. But, I was literally shaking, I love these kids and for them to think I would not want them here is terrible. Thanks for the support:)

[OhM]

The only thing I would change is you second-guessing yourself! Sounds reasonable to me. I realize the futility of calling people like that on their actions, but I'm still proud (and in awe!) of you for doing it. Stay calm.

[Pongo]

Let the poop fly! Bullies need to be stood up to, or it just encourages them.

 

You know, that's it. She is like a bully. Everyone is so afraid to say anything to her, I was, until today. I hope this turns out okay in the end, the poop is not flying yet, it will be soon, I think it's time to put on a HAZMAT suit:lol:

[Pongo]

I realize the futility of calling people like that on their actions, but I'm still proud (and in awe!) of you for doing it. Stay calm.

 

I think that's what I was second guessing, it just seems like it's futile because I don't think this will change a thing. She'll me mad and treat me like crap and I am sure twist this into me being horrible. Family stuff it the worst!

[Aunty Social]

Fay, I think you should have let loose a bit more.

 

A knock-down drag-out screaming fit once a decade from otherwise calm and reasonable people is helpful for keeping the malicious, controlling, boundary-challenged relatives in line.

 

You may want to consider a giant scene at a large family gathering. It could do everyone good. It has to be a large family gathering though so that you have many witnesses. Call a spade a spade and don't hold back. I'm sure she will give you another opportunity.

 

slight hijack

 

I had to laugh reading this! My mil is........difficult. Not evil, just difficult. She tends to drink too much and use dh as a scratching post, calling him (really nasty) names, ungrateful, etc. Anyway, one Christmas she started in, and I couldn't take it anymore (the glass of wine may have helped:tongue_smilie:). I started out calm but firm, she ramped, I ramped.....it ended up being a big shouting match in front of just about the whole extended family. My dh said he thought I was going to punch her - and so did several other relatives. Ever since then, she's been much better behaved:lol:.

 

Just to let you know that you're not alone, and speaking up can turn out alright.:grouphug:

[freeindeed]

:grouphug:

You didn't do anything wrong. You handled it very well, IMO. BTW, I have one of "those" MIL's, too. I'm 34, so I guess I've got 6 more years, huh?:lol:

[kalanamak]

I think that's what I was second guessing, it just seems like it's futile because I don't think this will change a thing. She'll me mad and treat me like crap and I am sure twist this into me being horrible. Family stuff it the worst!

 

Well, in this case, she won't change her spots, but all know her spots. The worst is when they are rotten, rotten to YOU, but so love-er-ly to everyone else they believe the horrible things said about you. I worked with someone like that, and over the years, she quietly knifed a lot of people in the back. Ugh.

[Rosie_0801]

Now I feel like crap, in about 2 hours, when my MIL gets home and hears the message, poop will hit the fan and I as always will be covered in it.

 

So don't stand under the fan.

 

Should I have kept my mouth shut???? I think I am getting bold in my old age, just turned 40 3 weeks ago.

Totally. You should have saved it all up until you turn sixty, because it's only ok to open your mouth on your 60th birthday, then you can become a tyrant and beat up on all your relatives.

Ok, I don't really think that. You wouldn't need to leave firm messages on your MIL's machine if she didn't deserve them. Her fault, not yours!

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[justamouse]

He said, your fine, it's fine. I'll deal with it, I love you. Gosh, I love him.

 

Now I feel like crap, in about 2 hours, when my MIL gets home and hears the message, poop will hit the fan and I as always will be covered in it.

Now I am second guessing my self, I already called my mom, she feels horrible and thinks it's ridiculous that she does this stuff.

 

Should I have kept my mouth shut???? I think I am getting bold in my old age, just turned 40 3 weeks ago.

 

It's upsetting, but DH is in your corner and that's what matters. She, apparently is miserable and trying to take others down with her. Don't let her.

[Impish]

The only thing I would change is you second-guessing yourself! Sounds reasonable to me. I realize the futility of calling people like that on their actions, but I'm still proud (and in awe!) of you for doing it. Stay calm.

:iagree:

Fay, I think you should have let loose a bit more.

 

A knock-down drag-out screaming fit once a decade from otherwise calm and reasonable people is helpful for keeping the malicious, controlling, boundary-challenged relatives in line.

 

You may want to consider a giant scene at a large family gathering. It could do everyone good. It has to be a large family gathering though so that you have many witnesses. Call a spade a spade and don't hold back. I'm sure she will give you another opportunity.

:lol::lol::lol:

Well, in this case, she won't change her spots, but all know her spots. The worst is when they are rotten, rotten to YOU, but so love-er-ly to everyone else they believe the horrible things said about you. I worked with someone like that, and over the years, she quietly knifed a lot of people in the back. Ugh.

:iagree:I totally know that SOP! You might have read some of the issues I've had lately, with my MIL in general, and SIL last night. I've wanted to just let loose on each of them, but hold my peace because in my case, it would end up that dh would have to deal with the flying crap, not me...and while he'd totally support me, I'd rather not add to his stress.

 

I really really REALLY wanna though. Good for you in standing up to her. :grouphug::party:

[cougarmom4]

My mil is just like this...and nobody will stand up to her either.

 

I say good for you! I only do it in my dreams...seriously, I have had several dreams where I let it all out & tell her exactly what I think of her...in not very nice ways! One of these days I think it will all come out! Until then, I'm just glad I can vent to my hubby...or I'd go nuts!

 

(I also wanted to add, I'd probably call the niece & nephew and make sure they knew you didn't say those things, but she did.)

[Impish]

My mil is just like this...and nobody will stand up to her either.

 

I say good for you! I only do it in my dreams...seriously, I have had several dreams where I let it all out & tell her exactly what I think of her...in not very nice ways! One of these days I think it will all come out! Until then, I'm just glad I can vent to my hubby...or I'd go nuts!

 

(I also wanted to add, I'd probably call the niece & nephew and make sure they knew you didn't say those things, but she did.)

:lol: I'm not the only one!

[Pongo]

MIL called, now the entire family is in a big fiasco. My SIL just called and told us the entire neighborhood heard my MIL screaming from the open windows.

 

She basically told my dh that I take everything she says in a negative way. My dh told her this had nothing to do with me and more to do with WHAT she said to the kids. She started saying she never told my younger niece and nephew what she was accused of and then finally admitting that she did say it but the she was misunderstood.

 

Then she said that my dd is a liar ( a completely separate and old issue), this came up because my husband was pointing out a bunch of times she has said things to the kids that was inappropriate. She then screamed that my dd is lying and my husband just 'bout jumped through the phone and told her to NEVER EVER call his dd a liar. She then said maybe she misunderstood her and said she needed a hearing aid, my husband offered to buy her one and then she started screaming about how mean he was to say she needed a hearing aid...yup passive aggressive at it's best.

 

My dh is worn out doing and doing some laps in the pool, I am plain old sick of this and already dreading Thanksgiving. My SIL is waiting for her call because my MIL never leaves anyone unscathed. Yuck!!!!

[Pongo]

 

(I also wanted to add, I'd probably call the niece & nephew and make sure they knew you didn't say those things, but she did.)

 

I called my SIL and asked her if she could gently find out what was said to the kids, they are 5 and 7. The kids were told by my SIL that Grandma misunderstood what was going on and said you know Auntie would want you over right? They giggled and said, "Yes...she aways has us over, silly Grandma for getting confused."

[Pongo]

It's upsetting, but DH is in your corner and that's what matters. She, apparently is miserable and trying to take others down with her. Don't let her.

 

I hate that he is in this position. I know this is soooooo hard for him. I am amazed how he stands up for us even though it's hard, she's still his mom.

It just plain.old.stinks.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I called my SIL and asked her if she could gently find out what was said to the kids, they are 5 and 7. The kids were told by my SIL that Grandma misunderstood what was going on and said you know Auntie would want you over right? They giggled and said, "Yes...she aways has us over, silly Grandma for getting confused."

 

The good news in this situation is bolded above. The innocent know the truth and in the end, that is what matters most.

[Scuff]

You need to remember that you're the ones in control here. You have her grandchildren. She has much more of an interest to remain in your lives than her in yours. I know she's his mom, but someday he will realize all this. When he does he needs to lay it all out for her. If she wants to be in your lives she needs to behave. If not, you'll send her cards and still love her from afar.

[johnandtinagilbert]

You need to remember that you're the ones in control here. You have her grandchildren. She has much more of an interest to remain in your lives than her in yours. I know she's his mom, but someday he will realize all this. When he does he needs to lay it all out for her. If she wants to be in your lives she needs to behave. If not, you'll send her cards and still love her from afar.

 

That's exactly where we were. We laid it out, they were not able to comply. We love them from afar. We don't belittle them to dc, we just told them we don't agree with their behavior and we will not let the grandparents mistreat our children. So, sadly, we don't see them. Fortunately, for me, dh is able to maintain a telephone relationship and this is enough for him.

[PineFarmMom]

I hate that he is in this position. I know this is soooooo hard for him. I am amazed how he stands up for us even though it's hard, she's still his mom.

It just plain.old.stinks.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry! :( I humbly give advice in these situations because I'd suffer the same way you are, with the self-doubt, etc. I'm a recovering people pleaser, so situations like that send me. Do you think she creates this kind of huge deal because she is getting the attention she desires? What if you all started laughing her off and just chalking it up to her nuttiness?? It might take some of her ammunition away, kwim? If every last one of you (or at least you and dh) just refused to let her mess with your day. I know it would make her angry, but someone else made the point that YOU are the ones in possession of her grandchildren. You kind of own the game, if you kwim.

[Tree House Academy]

I would have done the same. I only *hope* I could have been as nice as you were....

[Pongo]

Trust me, it wasn't easy:glare:

[Pongo]

You need to remember that you're the ones in control here. You have her grandchildren. She has much more of an interest to remain in your lives than her in yours. I know she's his mom, but someday he will realize all this. When he does he needs to lay it all out for her. If she wants to be in your lives she needs to behave. If not, you'll send her cards and still love her from afar.

 

I think we are at the point of having to lay it all out. It just can't keep going on like this.

[Pongo]

Fay, I think you should have let loose a bit more.

 

A knock-down drag-out screaming fit once a decade from otherwise calm and reasonable people is helpful for keeping the malicious, controlling, boundary-challenged relatives in line.

 

You may want to consider a giant scene at a large family gathering. It could do everyone good. It has to be a large family gathering though so that you have many witnesses. Call a spade a spade and don't hold back. I'm sure she will give you another opportunity.

 

:lol:

Hey there's always Thanksgiving, maybe I shouldn't be dreading it after all.LOL

[Jennefer@SSA]

I think you did fine. Enjoy the fact for a few moments that you had the chance to finally say something. Maybe she will react totally differently than you imagine.

 

:iagree:

[Garga]

Sounds like a miserable day for you.

 

You know, my mil (and I love her dearly) tends to not "hear" things that are said to her. So, your mil didn't hear what the truth was, and ran with it--thinking that the 5 and 7 were home sad, and thinking she would fix it.

 

Then, when she got home, there was your message. She got defensive. Probably out of fear, shame and confusion (fear of losing the grand kids, fear of having hurt the grand kids, shame for having done it, confusion because she suddenly realized that she messed up and didn't even know it.)

 

And when people feel defensive--they sometimes attack. Hence, the spiraling out of control conversation with your dh. When he started listing all her "sins" she ended up blurting out, "DD is a liar!" and defending herself, "You all take everything I say overly negative!"

 

My mil is also negative and sees the bad side of things--until I get her laughing. I try as much as possible to answer her with silliness and it seems to immediately lift the problem away. The more playful I am with her, the better we get along.

 

The only example I can remember is something not related to kids, but she was inviting us to eat dinner with her. All she had were leftovers and she was droning on and on and on about the leftovers and maybe we wouldn't want to come anyway and what would the kids eat and blah blah...spiraling herself down into negativity. And no matter what I said, 'We'd love to come anyway. We just want to be with you. The kids want to see you," she didn't "hear" me. Till I called out to my husband loud enough for her to hear, "DH! Your mom is inviting us over for moldy left-over chicken--wanna go?" And then she laughed and everything was ok.

 

Ok--maybe I'm off base, but maybe everyone needs to lighten your mil up a little.

Edited August 12, 2009 by Garga

[Impish]

I hate that he is in this position. I know this is soooooo hard for him. I am amazed how he stands up for us even though it's hard, she's still his mom.

It just plain.old.stinks.

:grouphug: I totally understand. We go through the exact same thing with my MIL.

[katemary63]

already dreading Thanksgiving.

 

Why on EARTH would you spend your precious holiday time with this woman? It took us one Christmas where my DH had to stand up and prevent my BIL from punching my mother in the face - actually had to grap his arm on the backswing - to realize that our children were not being nurtured by this yearly fiasco. We spent the next 10 years with no one but the 5 of us at holiday celebrations. It was FANTASTIC! Now we do have some holiday time with family members who have matured and who respect our boundaries. But under no circumstances would I ever put "famliy obligations" first and let my own family's holiday be blemished. Our kids will remember precious, warm, fuzzy times - NOT extended family tension and nonsence.

[Pongo]

I hear ya, it's always..well....awkard there. I end up quiet, which is pretty normal when she is around, and she tries desperately to engage be my saying an off the cuff comment.

After this last event, I am writing up some invitations, to send out to my immediate family and have Thanksgiving at my house. This way the only thing I will have to deal with is her BEGGING for us to come over the next day for leftovers. I can send my husband and the kids.

[tdeveson]

Now I am second guessing my self, I already called my mom, she feels horrible and thinks it's ridiculous that she does this stuff.

 

Should I have kept my mouth shut???? I think I am getting bold in my old age, just turned 40 3 weeks ago.

 

She *so* had that coming. You're a better person than I. I would have told her to go pound sand a long, long time ago.