unsinkable Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I have written before about my parents' deaths at an early age. I was a teenager & they were 49 (mom) & 56 (dad.) I have gone to their grave less than 5 times in 20 years. I don't think it is an important or worthwhile or valuable thing to do. My brother disagrees & visits their grave when he comes home to visit. he'll be here at the end of the week. He'll take his dd and any of my kids that want to go. They spruce it up, pull the weeds, etc. This week, we happened to drive by the cemetary and I said, "What do you think Michael would do if he went to the grave & it was all cleaned with flowers?" And I meant it as a joke, b/c Michael knows I don't visit the grave. I feel like it is a waste. I had no intentions of doing it. When I die, people can do whatever they want & need for my funeral & burial. I don't care. I'll be long gone. :D But today, it hit me...instead of being a sarcastic @$$, I should go & clean my parents grave. For Michael, b/c it means something to him, not b/c it has any effect on my parents at all. In all these years, I've been so caught up in "proving" that the grave means nothing, I didn't see it means something to my dear, dear brother. So in addition to cleaning the house & washing the bedding & buying Michael's favorite foods (And my dear sil's & niece's favs, too!) I am going to go get a silk wreath & clean up their grave. Not too much, cuz he'll want something to do beside stand there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingM Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 What a great post. I'm sure you're brother will feel great when he sees your gesture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwinMominTX Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 What a touching post. Please let us know your brother's reaction. Peace to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Good for you. He'll be touched. Fwiw, I don't do graves either, for all the same reasons, but I've gone with other people because I think we should focus on the living and it means so much to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I actually like sitting at my grandmother's grave. I know she is gone, but I still feel a connection. She was so very dear to me. I like to sit and talk to her... tell her I am okay... and I cry a bit... because she loved me so... I am nearing the time when my parents will leave... and it hurts deeply. One parent wants to have his ashes scattered in a mountain area where he has camped many times... that makes it different for me... to not have a "place" to connect with. And my mom wont have a "place" either. I'll probably make my own area to sit and "talk" to them. Thank you for this kind gesture, that is lovely of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I think that's a lovely, unselfish, thoughtful idea. If he asks you why you did it or says something like, "Oh, are you visiting more often now?" just be sure he feels your care for him, not emphasizing your belief that visiting isn't important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Aw, I can't remember the last time I liked a post this much. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abcinnc Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Wow, that is so sweet and considerate! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I think its a really nice gesture on your part but you are still entitled to feel like you do. My father died two years ago and I have never been to visit his grave. My brother lives very close to the cemetery and goes regularly. I am just paralyzed at the thought of going and start crying whenever I have to think about it. I prefer to visit a place he loved and remember the good times, reread a favorite book we both loved, etc. My children's father died nearly 3 years ago and they have no desire at this point to go visit his grave. I am fairly certain my daughter will never ever visit his grave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I have written before about my parents' deaths at an early age. I was a teenager & they were 49 (mom) & 56 (dad.) I have gone to their grave less than 5 times in 20 years. I don't think it is an important or worthwhile or valuable thing to do. My brother disagrees & visits their grave when he comes home to visit. he'll be here at the end of the week. He'll take his dd and any of my kids that want to go. They spruce it up, pull the weeds, etc. This week, we happened to drive by the cemetary and I said, "What do you think Michael would do if he went to the grave & it was all cleaned with flowers?" And I meant it as a joke, b/c Michael knows I don't visit the grave. I feel like it is a waste. I had no intentions of doing it. When I die, people can do whatever they want & need for my funeral & burial. I don't care. I'll be long gone. :D But today, it hit me...instead of being a sarcastic @$$, I should go & clean my parents grave. For Michael, b/c it means something to him, not b/c it has any effect on my parents at all. In all these years, I've been so caught up in "proving" that the grave means nothing, I didn't see it means something to my dear, dear brother. So in addition to cleaning the house & washing the bedding & buying Michael's favorite foods (And my dear sil's & niece's favs, too!) I am going to go get a silk wreath & clean up their grave. Not too much, cuz he'll want something to do beside stand there. I think that is awesome. My dh and I are grave visitors. I've always found a certain peace about visiting. My dh's father died when dh was 9, his stone is simple and none of the relatives that live in that town go to visit. We've gone hours out of our way to make the trip and dh always cleans up the site. It means a great deal to him to go there. I know my dh would be thrilled if he went to visit and someone had taken the time to clean it up. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I'm not much of a grave visitor, I do pop in sometimes when I'm passing (which is not often as it's in a different country now) but my Nana visits my Mum and Dad a lot, and I know she gets comfort from it. What a lovely thing you are doing for your brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 That's wonderful!! You're a good sister. I think the sentiment will be seen by him and he'll feel how kind it is that you're doing it for him!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 What a lovely gift to give your brother. I'm also not really into visiting graves, but my mother was. She kept all the graves neat, weeds pulled, always decorated. So I do the same in her honor - maybe not as well as she did - but I give it a good shot. That was just a lovely post. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 My grandmother is a big visitor of cemetaries and family graves. To her it is a big issue of respect and honor of someone she loved. We live a long way off now, and have never been that keen on visiting the sites, but we send her memorial flowers each year that she can divide and put at sites all she wants. Sometimes she likes to make her own so we watch for fake flowers on sale that are of good quality and ship those to her as well. Those are a labor of love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 We live in the same city where all of Dh's grandparents are buried. My older children knew both sets of grandparents very well. We visit a couple times a year on the grandparent's birthdays, or patriotic holidays as both grandpas served in the military. When my oldest dd was younger she would talk to Grandma the way she did when she was alive. "Look at my new shoes!" or "I got a haircut." Now when we go, we clean up the headstones, decorate if we have brought something and tell all of our favorite stories about grandma & grandpa. The younger kids are getting to know them this way. On Memorial Day our favorite family outing is to get a huge bag of American flags and pinwheels and after we visit the grandparent's gravesites we let the children try to find undecorated graves of those who have served in the military and we decorate them. They love to find the ones that have served in the Spanish American War, the nurses and female pilots from the two world wars and people who have served in more than one conflict. Visiting the gravesite is a ritual for the living. I think it is a sweet gesture you are planning for your brother. Amber in SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Wonderful idea. I never thought much of them, but... In a great-minds-think-alike moment, my brother emailed me he "stopped by for a visit" on Papa's hundreth birthday, just as I was about to email him about the date. My son is very curious about the spot, so when we go back, we go visit. I like how Papa's uncarved stone stands out among the very fancily carved stones (of the same rock) as a testament to his frugality, his nature-lovingness, and his degree in geology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildflower Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 :grouphug: You seem to be an absolutely lovely person. I'll go get a tissue now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeacherZee Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 What a lovely thing to do. My grandmother died a year and a half ago and despite me being in the town where she is buried twice since then I have yet to go to the grave. For me there is so much of a finality to seeing the grave. Her death is still to raw. I can't do it just yet. I thought I would be able to when I was there earlier this month but it just hurt to much. Sorry I am rambling and I have tears in my eyes. I should go now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 What a good sister you are! Hope you have a wonderful visit with your dear brother! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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