Mother of the Year Award lost....again.....

[AlmiraGulch]

My 13 year old dd makes me crazy. Truly. She acts like she doesn't have a brain cell in her head and it just pushes me off the deep end where I turn into this raging lunatic that I don't even want to know.

 

For example, yeseterday I was in her room and her blinds and curtains were open. I told her to close them because it was dark outside. She looked at me and said "they are closed." I was looking at them, wide open, and I said "no, they are not." She said again, "they are closed." At this point, my blood pressure shot straight through the roof and I started yelling at her that I was looking at them, they were wide open, and she needed to close them!!!! She said, "they're supposed to be that way." So I told her that they are NOT supposed to be that way because I told her that they needed to be closed!!!! GAAAAHHHH!!!!! And she said, "why are you yelling at me?" To which I replied "BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD AND YOU MAKE ME CRAAAZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

She does something like this several times a day and I know that I shouldn't yell, but it's like Pavlov's dog! I also told her yesterday to read the label on her new dress to see how it needed to be cleaned. So she did, and I think she said that it needed to be washed on "gentle cycle." So I asked her why she thought it needed to be washed on "delicate cycle," and she looked at me like I have 4 heads and said "Delicate? What's delicate?" I explained that gentle and delicate are the same thing, and she said "well how am I supposed to know," at which point I turned into that crazy lunatic again and said "BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS ARE, YOU KNOW THEY'RE BASICALLY THE SAME THING, AND YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO CORRECT ME!!!!!!!!"

 

So, my WTM friends, can you help me? I don't want to yell at her, but really, this "dumb" act of hers is making me want to drink copious amounts of red wine. Repeatedly. Daily.

 

Can anyone offer me any words of wisdom? I don't want to be "that" woman.

[gingersmom]

The joys of having a daughter.

 

I think our daughters must be related.

 

I was just thinking recently that I must count to 10 before I blow a fuse. Or walk out of the room. Or better yet remind myself that I was like that at one time (gasp!)

[Denise in Florida]

:grouphug::grouphug: Been there still doing that.

 

I believe my 15yo could argue with a stump.

 

She also seems to have a built in 'random chaos generator' in her head.

 

I just remind myself that she is also sweet, energetic, passionate about things she cares for, and most importantly (this is a secret, shhh) just like me at that age.:lol:

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks for the support! I do need to walk out of the room, I suppose. Or something.

 

And I was NOT like that at her age, out loud at least. In my head, though, yeah....exactly the same.

 

Please tell me it will be ok one day, and I'm not a monster!!!!

[blessdmommy]

:grouphug: (note to self: I should call my mom and apologize for my teen years).

 

I've been reading a book by Kevin Leman "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours". Best I can tell from just starting the book, keeping control of your emotions (i.e. anger) is tantamount to gaining respect of the kids. I'm sure there is more to it. But maybe she is just ringing your bell because she knows she can get a rise out of you. If you take that "fun" out of it she'd give it up?

 

Good luck!!!

[Rita]

Thanks for the support! I do need to walk out of the room, I suppose. Or something.

 

And I was NOT like that at her age, out loud at least. In my head, though, yeah....exactly the same.

 

Please tell me it will be ok one day, and I'm not a monster!!!!

 

Just walk out of the room. Really. Don't engage her at all. When I was that age, I deliberately would engage my mother to frustrate her. I'm not proud of that, but there ya go. Most of these are not hills to die on.

For example:

1.If her blinds are open, and she refuses to close them, either close them yourself, or leave them open. The sun will wake her up early :001_smile:

2. If she washes her new dress and ruins it, it's her own fault. If she isn't doing her own laundry at this age, she needs to be doing it (so that ruined clothes/ipods/money is her fault, not yours).

 

It really will be ok one day, if you become the adult and not blow your top. This is said in the most gentle of fashions from me, not to make you feel guilty or that I'm picking on you. I still do my share of yelling (14yo ds!!) but I really do try to simply walk away.

:grouphug:

Rita

[AlmiraGulch]

Just walk out of the room. Really. Don't engage her at all. When I was that age, I deliberately would engage my mother to frustrate her. I'm not proud of that, but there ya go. Most of these are not hills to die on.

For example:

1.If her blinds are open, and she refuses to close them, either close them yourself, or leave them open. The sun will wake her up early :001_smile:

2. If she washes her new dress and ruins it, it's her own fault. If she isn't doing her own laundry at this age, she needs to be doing it (so that ruined clothes/ipods/money is her fault, not yours).

 

It really will be ok one day, if you become the adult and not blow your top. This is said in the most gentle of fashions from me, not to make you feel guilty or that I'm picking on you. I still do my share of yelling (14yo ds!!) but I really do try to simply walk away.

:grouphug:

Rita

 

I don't feel picked on at all! You're absolutely right, and I know it. I need to NOT lose my cool. And I can't believe you intentionally did this to your poor, dear mother! :D

 

Ok, I can do this. Thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate it.

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug: (note to self: I should call my mom and apologize for my teen years).

 

I've been reading a book by Kevin Leman "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours". Best I can tell from just starting the book, keeping control of your emotions (i.e. anger) is tantamount to gaining respect of the kids. I'm sure there is more to it. But maybe she is just ringing your bell because she knows she can get a rise out of you. If you take that "fun" out of it she'd give it up?

 

Good luck!!!

 

Ohhh.....good point. The little angel probably does do it intentionally.

 

The other possibility is that she's afraid of saying or doing the "wrong" thing because she's afraid of my reaction. I hate to say that, but I think she may feel like she doesn't do anything right in my eyes and so chooses ignorance over a "wrong" answer. I'd like to think this isn't the case, because I really think she's a great kid and try to show and demonstrate that to her at every possible opportunity. But I know that I can come across pretty harshly some times, and her responses may be out of fear. (ugh...it hurts me to say that).

 

Or, it may be genetic. Her father plays the same "dumb" act with me all the time. Always has.

 

Man, this could be more complicated than I thought, but the solution could be easier than I thought. I'm going to read the book you mentioned, for sure.

[myfunnybunch]

You're not a monster, promise! I have two teenaged daughters, and it's like they are from another planet.

 

Imagine me saying this to you very very kindly, because believe me, I have so been in your shoes, and handled it in the same way, and felt horrible afterward:

She means it. It's not personal. She's really not trying to drive you crazy. She doesn't know that "gentle" cycle and "delicate" cycle are the same thing. She really doesn't. I didn't either when I was her age because I was still learning about laundry. She really does think her curtains are exactly the way they are supposed to be, and has no idea what you're talking about.

 

Reframing the way you see the problem in your own mind might be tremendously helpful. For a while, pretend she really is from another planet. Explain what you mean as though she's a visitor. Show her what you want. "Honey, when I say 'Close your curtains' this is what I want them to look like." Then close them. "Do you see the difference? At night we want them closed like this so that no one can see in." Tell her in a silly voice, "Oh wipe that alarmed look off your face, sweets. Gentle and delicate are the same thing. Let me show you how to wash that."

 

Her brain is reorganizing, pruning connections and growing new ones, and awash in hormones. It's like someone stuck a giant eggbeater inside her head.

 

It's aggravating and frustrating. I'm not this perfect mom dispensing advice from on high! I lose my cool, and we have days where I think I will be fortunate to come through these years without biting my tongue clean off. And I, too, was exactly the same at that age.

 

Hang in there. :grouphug: You'll both get through this.

 

Cat

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks to all of you!

 

I'm going to try the "she's an alien" approach to see if that helps. I'm actually going picture her in my head with little alient tentacles sticking out from beneath the hat she always wears. If nothing else, it will make me laugh!

[Granny_Weatherwax]

There is a psychological concept that helps describe teenage behavior - Pseudostupidity.

Pseudostupidity is the idea that teen's thinking processes are oversimplified and distorted by their egocentrism. This inability to acknowledge all contributing factors to a given situation leads to conflict with peers and parents. It can lead to an abundance of frustrated feelings on both sides.

[cin]

Wow, we both lost the award on the same weekend. Must be a full moon or something :D

 

My 8 yr old daughter is the same way. I say blue, she says torquoise, I say up, she says top shelf. We're working with her to not be so specific. And to not constantly correct people. Which is just part of her personality, I think. I don't think she's trying to be superior, at least at first. And then it gets into a power struggle, and by the end, you don't even know WHY you're screaming at them. But man oh man, they can wear you down.

[laurad1125]

My ds10 does the exact same thing. It's infuriating! This morning we argued over whether he was hurrying or not. I yelled, a lot. (partly due to stress about taking ds6 to the dentist YET AGAIN) Later, after the dental appointment and associated tears (his and mine) wereover and we'd all been fed, I called him into the office and explained exactly what hurry up meant - what he could and couldn't do. It seemed to help, for now...

[herbalgirl]

Argh! I was getting on here to post and say it ISN'T just the girls, and I saw the above poster got to it first (thank you)!!

 

I am dealing with this with my 7yr. old son... Lord help me if he is still like this in his teens. Anyone know of a deserted isle somewhere we can all go to? I'll bring the wine! :glare:

[i.love.lucy]

Okay, Michelle, you bring the wine, I'll bring the chocolate chip cookies.

 

I have been yelling too much lately too. Mostly about cleaning, about them not cleaning up after themselves, or dropping things in their path, or making messes wherever they are and simply walking away from them.

 

And I often feel like screaming at dd "You are acting like you don't have a brain!!!"

 

You are NOT the worst mom.

 

I do agree that if I dole out consequences without getting angry, or explain things with little emotion, everything goes much more smoothly.

 

Good luck!!:grouphug:

[SquirrellyMama]

I hate to say that, but I think she may feel like she doesn't do anything right in my eyes and so chooses ignorance over a "wrong" answer.

 

 

This is me! My dad would never let us do anything right or better than him so I grew up choosing ignorance over the wrong answer. You don't have to be called stupid too many times before you learn this behavior. I'm still doing it at the age of 34.

 

For example:

1.If her blinds are open, and she refuses to close them, either close them yourself, or leave them open. The sun will wake her up early :001_smile:

2. If she washes her new dress and ruins it, it's her own fault. If she isn't doing her own laundry at this age, she needs to be doing it (so that ruined clothes/ipods/money is her fault, not yours).

 

 

I agree with the laundry but I disagree about the blinds. You told her to close them so you should not close them for her and she needs to obey you. I also think it could be dangerous for them to be open depending on where her window is. You can see in windows at night when the blinds are open. I'd hate for her to be seen changing clothes by some unsavory character.

 

I don't have teens yet but I remember being a very frustrating teenage girl. My parents use no discipline at all so I hope I can avoid some frustration by disciplining early. I could also just be delusional :tongue_smilie:

 

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

Argh! I was getting on here to post and say it ISN'T just the girls, and I saw the above poster got to it first (thank you)!!

 

I am dealing with this with my 7yr. old son... Lord help me if he is still like this in his teens. Anyone know of a deserted isle somewhere we can all go to? I'll bring the wine! :glare:

 

I have found with my own kids and with my Sunday School class that boys and girls are different. Shocker, I know :001_smile:

 

The boys don't listen because they are completly clueless that you are even talking to them. Girls are usually not listening because of attitude. This has been my experience. Please don't yell at me :crying:

[AlmiraGulch]

Argh! I was getting on here to post and say it ISN'T just the girls, and I saw the above poster got to it first (thank you)!!

 

I am dealing with this with my 7yr. old son... Lord help me if he is still like this in his teens. Anyone know of a deserted isle somewhere we can all go to? I'll bring the wine! :glare:

 

If you're bringing the wine, I'm so there with you!!!

[AlmiraGulch]

This is me! My dad would never let us do anything right or better than him so I grew up choosing ignorance over the wrong answer. You don't have to be called stupid too many times before you learn this behavior. I'm still doing it at the age of 34.

 

Kelly

 

I never, ever call her stupid. In fact, I usually tell her she's NOT stupid! Somehow I think the message is not getting across.

 

My father was the same way. Not toward me, really, but toward pretty much all of my brothers and sisters. I have definitely seen the negative impact of that, and I DO NOT want my child to feel that way with me. It's awful.

[Denisemomof4]

It sounds to me like she's a button pusher, and she knows EXACTLY what buttons to push. She's going to keep doing this because she's getting the desired affect: she's REALLY getting to you.

 

I'd ignore her antics. Make them as dull as dirt and don't even acknowledge them. Discipline her for deliberate disobedience but don't set yourself up to be pushed again. The more she sees that she's not getting to you, the less she'll do those bothersome things.

 

My youngest is adopted and she has been a button pusher since the day we got her at 14 months. She's really good. She's SO sneaky that you often don't realize what she's doing until after she does it. I've become VERY good at spotting her little games and not falling into her trap, but I still fail at times. I'm human, and so are you.

 

Hoping things turn around for you soon,

[Carol in Cal.]

Those are:

Sandwich

Nap

Shower

 

However, DD is onto those, and when she is hormonal and I suggest one of them she gets furious because she think it means that I think she is being unreasonable. Which, of course, she is. And I do. And I'm controlling myself with what I consider to be heroic difficulty, but does she appreciate that? Why, no.

 

Lately I have had some success with kidding her out of a silly argument by telling her to argue, or critiquing her eye roll. Samples:

ME: "Argue"

Her: "No! I don't WANT to argue"

ME: "But you must argue"

Her: "No! I HATE arguing"

ME: "But arguing is what you're doing"

Her: "Oh, Mom, you got me."

 

Similar: "May I have the eyeroll, please?"

 

Now, just to be clear, most of the time I sort of clamp down. I feel that eye rolls are obnoxious and disrespectful, and she is clear on that point. And protracted arguing is counter-productive, and if it's about school, I simply do not engage or accept it. However, I think there is a place for a little humor in situations like this, especially when I know that DD is too tired or something like that.