Leaving things/forgetting has a price

[Pip]

I am so tired of my girls leaving things around. I have stopped getting after them about it. I just scoop up the stuff and they have to pay to get it back.

 

We drove to Wichita yesterday for a swim meet. Middle dd forgot her bag. How she did this I"ll never know. She started to blame me and then thought the better of it. She was wearing her suit and youngest had an extra towel. She had to buy a new team cap and some goggles. She looked disappointed when I told her she was out $23 for both items, but didn't balk.

[JVA]

It's painful for parents but important for children to learn responsibility. I can't tell you how many times son #3 lost his wallet. After buying him the second one, we told him that if it was lost again (of course it had money and gift cards in it), it was ALL on him. He did lose it again (maybe 2-3 times) but he had to pony up. I think he was 13 or 14 when this happened the first time. Now, at 20, he manages his belongings MUCH better - carkeys, college ID card, wallet, glasses, phone etc...

Consequences are an important teaching tool. I suffer them, too when I mess up. Adults aren't exempt. They (and I) do learn. That's why I use a list and talk through a lot of things as I'm leaving the house. How many times have I gotten into town and forgotten the drycleaning or library books? :tongue_smilie:

Heaven will be a wonderful place and we won't have to be burdened with these things.

Hang in there. You did well!

[Pip]

I have stopped buying socks and underwear for the girls. They get left out, ledt in the car, unclaimed in the wash because people don't want to put them away. I'm about to stop buying clothes because they want things and then never wear them. I have noticed when they do buy their clothes, the clearance rack at Target and Kohl's looks very appealing.

[Tammy]

but I think these things need to be 'taught'.....it needs to become a 'habit'.....and it sounds as if your girls have never had that 'habit'....

 

So....I would be the 'teacher'....and always remind them....until it became a 'habit'.....

 

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[Mommyof4ks]

Way to go! My dd9 is the same way. I have told her everyday since she was 4 that she needs to grab her bag and her coat/sweater/whatever for the weather conditions) when we go out (her bag has books and such to occupy her), and here we are 5 years later and she still has to be reminded.

 

I have told her that when she turns 10 I will no longer be reminding her to get her things. If she forgets them then she will just be cold/wet and bored.

[plansrme]

When my then-third grader was in school and forgot her lunch, I told the teacher she would have to work off the cost of the cafeteria lunch. Said teacher was incensed, on the grounds that "[DD] is nearly perfect, you need to cut her some slack." Duh--did it never occur to her that one of the reasons that she's "nearly perfect" (a stretch, by the way) is that there are consequences to imperfect behavior in our house? "Perfect," of course, is a flexible standard that isn't actually perfect.

 

Terri

[jensway]

Good for you! I can totally relate. I've done the same thing with my 11 yr. old son. I told him once he hit 11 then I was not going to remind him to pick things up and if I had to that it would cost him to get them back. When we have to go out I used to remind him to bring a book to read or nintendo DS (a small game player) so he would have something to do, but not any more. If he wants something to do he must remember to bring it himself and to keep up with it.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

but I think these things need to be 'taught'.....it needs to become a 'habit'.....and it sounds as if your girls have never had that 'habit'....

 

So....I would be the 'teacher'....and always remind them....until it became a 'habit'.....

 

.

 

 

I think that what Earl Gray is saying is that she HAS been the teacher, but that the lessons weren't sticking until she made them pony up for their lack of responsiblity!

[Tammy]

so what is the point? That is why I said they obviously need some more training, LOL.

 

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[ThatCyndiGirl]

I think she is forcing the training.

 

I mean, it works like this for ME, as an adult:

 

If I ruin my clothing, whether thru my own irresponsiblity or through normal use, I have to replace them, even if I have a 'really,really good excuse'. She is showing them that "this is the way the world works".

 

When I was pregnant with Child 2 I was pulled over for speeding. I REALLY REALLY had to pee, but ya know what? I was breaking the law. I had to pay for the ticket.

 

 

Them's the breaks. I have known numerous people who, upon hearing me tell that story, were incredulous that I was given a ticket, being pregnant and all.

 

 

I knew the posted speed. I knew the law. I broke it. End of story.

 

If I get to the pool and forgot my gear I would either have to do without or decide to buy more. Either way, I am paying the price. Why should kids be any different? (After a reasonable period of instruction.)

 

This has obviously been some sort of pattern, which is why she changed tactics.

 

I think that this has the reasonable possiblity of working. Why? Because it utilizes natural consequences.

[Catwoman]

When my then-third grader was in school and forgot her lunch, I told the teacher she would have to work off the cost of the cafeteria lunch. Said teacher was incensed, on the grounds that "[DD] is nearly perfect, you need to cut her some slack." Duh--did it never occur to her that one of the reasons that she's "nearly perfect" (a stretch, by the way) is that there are consequences to imperfect behavior in our house? "Perfect," of course, is a flexible standard that isn't actually perfect.

 

Terri

 

Honestly, I would have been incensed, too. It would have been different if your dd regularly forgot her lunch, or if she'd done it intentionally, but she forgot her lunch one time. Haven't you ever forgotten anything?

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think making her work off the cost of the cafeteria lunch was really extreme.

 

Cat

Edited June 29, 2009 by Catwoman
typo!

[Lolly]

so what is the point? That is why I said they obviously need some more training, LOL.

 

.

 

The best teacher is a natural consequence. You forget your stuff, you suffer the natural consequence of replacing it. That IS training. It isn't even slightly extreme.

[Catwoman]

The best teacher is a natural consequence. You forget your stuff, you suffer the natural consequence of replacing it. That IS training. It isn't even slightly extreme.

 

I think there is a difference between forgetting something once, and forgetting things on a regular basis (due to laziness, irresponsibility, or whatever.) I don't think it's reasonable "training" to make a child pay to replace an item the first time they ever make that kind of mistake... it just seems sort of mean.

 

In the case of the OP, it's pretty clear that this is a case of habitual "forgetfulness," which is an entirely different situation, and I think her response was reasonable, as it seems like her dd knew the potential consequences of her actions. Had the dd not known that she would be responsible for paying for items she lost or forgot, I wouldn't have made her pay for the replacement items this time, but warned her that she would have to pay for them next time. (But, as I said, it sounds like the dd already knew the consequences for being careless.)

 

Cat

[LaxMom]

I think there is a difference between forgetting something once, and forgetting things on a regular basis (due to laziness, irresponsibility, or whatever.) I don't think it's reasonable "training" to make a child pay to replace an item the first time they ever make that kind of mistake... it just seems sort of mean.

 

In the case of the OP, it's pretty clear that this is a case of habitual "forgetfulness," which is an entirely different situation, and I think her response was reasonable, as it seems like her dd knew the potential consequences of her actions. Had the dd not known that she would be responsible for paying for items she lost or forgot, I wouldn't have made her pay for the replacement items this time, but warned her that she would have to pay for them next time. (But, as I said, it sounds like the dd already knew the consequences for being careless.)

 

Cat

:iagree: The only training I see without letting the natural consequences happen is that mom will handle it. I remind my 4 year olds to take their pertinent stuff. I will ask my 8 year old if she has everything she needs before I lock the door. I also ask my husband, not because I'm the keeper of his stuff but because I'll just not lock the door if he's getting the kids in the car, intending to come back in for a cup of coffee, his wallet, etc.

 

The starting to place the blame on mom would be a good indication that it's time to let the natural consequences take over.

[Laurie4b]

I think there is a difference between forgetting something once, and forgetting things on a regular basis (due to laziness, irresponsibility, or whatever.) I don't think it's reasonable "training" to make a child pay to replace an item the first time they ever make that kind of mistake... it just seems sort of mean.

 

In the case of the OP, it's pretty clear that this is a case of habitual "forgetfulness," which is an entirely different situation, and I think her response was reasonable, as it seems like her dd knew the potential consequences of her actions. Had the dd not known that she would be responsible for paying for items she lost or forgot, I wouldn't have made her pay for the replacement items this time, but warned her that she would have to pay for them next time. (But, as I said, it sounds like the dd already knew the consequences for being careless.)

 

Cat

 

I agree that there is a difference between forgetting things once and forgetting things on a habitual basis. However, before I would jump to the conclusion that it is irresponsibility or laziness, I would evaluate whether or not there is ADD or an ADD like issue. I am an adult, and neither lazy or responsible, but I misplace items regularly and I have had to learn tricks for making sure I have them--like putting stuff in the car the night before. This has taken me years to get down, but I still frustrate people & myself with my misplacing things. I have some ADD traits, but not the whole shebang. I've had natural consequences galore. They are upsetting, but don't teach anything other than that you are a deficient person. To help someone with ADD or ADD like traits remember stuff like this, it doesn't work to use techniques that work for regular people. There are some books with strategies that do work for people with those traits, though. I didn't find any of those until I was in my late 40's, so it was trial and error. So from my experience, the person who can usually remember but forgets has more capability in the first place.

[Hillary in KS]

I am so tired of my girls leaving things around. I have stopped getting after them about it. I just scoop up the stuff and they have to pay to get it back.

 

We drove to Wichita yesterday for a swim meet. Middle dd forgot her bag. How she did this I"ll never know. She started to blame me and then thought the better of it. She was wearing her suit and youngest had an extra towel. She had to buy a new team cap and some goggles. She looked disappointed when I told her she was out $23 for both items, but didn't balk.

 

I think you handled it well. They're old enough to remember their own things.

 

I usually ask the kids (13 and under) "Do you have everything?" as we walk out the door. That seems to help, but sometimes they still forget.

[Tammy]

I think the parent needs to 'teach' the child HOW to remember....with tricks....or whatever it takes. But a child that CONSTANTLY forgets...there is something else going on....in my opinion.

 

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[Impish]

I think the parent needs to 'teach' the child HOW to remember....with tricks....or whatever it takes. But a child that CONSTANTLY forgets...there is something else going on....in my opinion.

 

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Yeah, around here its called, "Mom will get it if I don't!" until Mom quit getting it :glare:

Then the light went on, and lo and behold, Diva didn't forget her soccer cleats again, the rest of her season.

[Catwoman]

However, before I would jump to the conclusion that it is irresponsibility or laziness, I would evaluate whether or not there is ADD or an ADD like issue.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Absolutely! That is an excellent point!

 

Cat

[gingersmom]

My daughter is a figure skater and I pay over $100/week in lessons. Plus add in the cost of skates (I won't even tell you how much I spent), clothing and she is on a synchronized skating team ($1400 year plus travel expenses).

 

I have told her I am totally tapped out so she best take care of her skating clothes, uniform, etc because if she leaves it at the rink or at a competition she is paying to replace it.

 

So far she has only lost one thing at a competition but luckily for her someone on her team found it.

[yvonne]

Yeah, around here its called, "Mom will get it if I don't!" until Mom quit getting it :glare:

Then the light went on, and lo and behold, Diva didn't forget her soccer cleats again, the rest of her season.

 

:iagree: Funny how that works, isn't it?

 

I agree that allowing the child to experience the natural consequences of his actions IS training. (Assuming the expectation is reasonable for a child of that age, that there's been prior training leading up to the child's assumption of the responsibility, and that the child has no special needs.)

 

NOT allowing the child to experience the natural consequences of his actions deprives the child of real world training. And REPEATEDLY protecting the child or bailing him out of the natural consequences of his actions only "trains" him to expect mommy to clean up behind him all the time.

 

There comes a point where "training" the child to do something he should realistically already be able to do becomes "training" the child to NOT do exactly the thing you're trying to teach him to do.

 

yvonne

[swimmermom3]

When my oldest was around 11-12, she lost and forgot everything. Mom packed her swim bag, ran through the checklist before we went anywhere, and checked her stuff when she returned. You get the picture. Then the wise 1st grade teacher that all of my children had told me, "Lisa, it is so much less expensive to let them learn about consequences now then when they are 16 and behind the wheel of a car." "So they are cold at recess because they forgot their coat, they miss lunch one day and they are hungry; they won't die."

 

About the same time, I was hanging out on the bleachers at the pool with a friend who has five swimmers ranging in skill from sectional to Olympic Trial status. She never packed bags,even before major travel meets. She became my role model.:D

 

DD has had a clothing allowance for 3 years. She is responsible for all purchases down to underwear, shoes, and winter coats. She manages her money well and hardly ever loses anything. This is the same child who lost 5 pairs of expensive goggles in one month.:tongue_smilie:

 

My youngest has been completely responsible for getting all his gear to the pool since he was 7. Occasionally he forgets something, but knows that I don't go back. He doesn't panic and cry like the older ones did.

 

Our home is more peaceful and prosperous since I stopped "rescuing" my kids. It was hard and I felt like a terrible mom at the time, but it's so worth it.

 

You can help your children come up with a mental checklist or process, develop routines, and model good coping behavior when you forget something but IMO, "rescuing" is not teaching your children anything but irresponsibility.

[plansrme]

Honestly, I would have been incensed, too. It would have been different if your dd regularly forgot her lunch, or if she'd done it intentionally, but she forgot her lunch one time. Haven't you ever forgotten anything?

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think making her work off the cost of the cafeteria lunch was really extreme.

 

Cat

 

Sure I've forgotten things, and I've endured the consequences--paid for it, done without, whatever. Why should my daughter be any different? If making her fold laundry is "really extreme" in your book, your kiddos must have a cushy life!

 

Terri

[Catwoman]

Sure I've forgotten things, and I've endured the consequences--paid for it, done without, whatever. Why should my daughter be any different?

 

Not to be argumentative, but you're an adult and your dd is just a child, and I would have given her a break because it sounds like your dd only forgot her lunch that one time, and it was entirely unintentional on her part. I could absolutely understand your position if your dd made a habit of forgetting things; I just meant that it seemed an extreme response to a first-time offense, and forgetting to bring her lunch to school only one time in the third grade actually doesn't seem like a big deal. I would have definitely spoken with her about being more careful in the future, but I would not have punished her for a one-time mistake.

 

 

If making her fold laundry is "really extreme" in your book, your kiddos must have a cushy life!

 

LOL! You'd probably think my ds has a cushy life, and you'd probably think that I do, too! ;)

 

My ds doesn't fold laundry and he doesn't do other chores around the house, unless I need a hand with something and ask him to help. (He doesn't have any "scheduled" chores.) When we were growing up, my brother and I didn't do any chores, and neither did my dh, so I guess it's just a way of life for us.

 

I don't see anything wrong with kids having chores to do; we just do things differently. If I felt that my ds was ungrateful, or if he didn't help out when needed, I would definitely start assigning him some work to do.

 

Cat

[Laurie4b]

Yeah, around here its called, "Mom will get it if I don't!" until Mom quit getting it :glare:

Then the light went on, and lo and behold, Diva didn't forget her soccer cleats again, the rest of her season.

 

I was never rescued. Ever. I did most of my homework in high school 2+ times because I would lose it. It probably helped me retain the info, lol, but those consequences never helped me figure out how not to lose stuff. Fortunately, I was fast with the homework. Other things in my life have been near nightmares.

 

Where there is not the competency present, however, "natural consequences" do not train. Natural consequences work when the child has the capability to do the thing being asked. There truly is different kind of brain wiring in which remembering details is extremely difficult and cannot be done consistently. I have poor hand-brain communication. My hands are always putting stuff down and not letting my brain know! It's maddening. My point was not to rescue a child, but to consider the possibility that the child has different wiring--in which case, it is very possible to be punishing a child with natural consequences who actually needs to be taught specific coping strategies to get around a neurological wiring problem.

[Gretchen in NJ]

The best teacher is a natural consequence. You forget your stuff, you suffer the natural consequence of replacing it. That IS training. It isn't even slightly extreme.

 

I happen to agree with you. I think at times the consequences hurt us more then them.;)