I had an amazing, beautiful, transformative, healing, life-changing experience with EMDR. I am skeptical of therapy in many cases, I should add-- it was why I sought out EMDR rather than traditional therapy, and why I was amazed that after only a few months of going weekly, my therapist and I were able to part with the full expectation that we would never see each other again. And we haven't, but I remain forever indebted to her. (Not, fortunately, literally!)

I got my period in fourth grade. I was more mature than my peers and academically advanced. I am a fan of gifted idealistic underachieving myself, but I had especially strong feelings of insecurity and shame related to the activities (dance and swimming) where my physical differences from my peers were most apparent. The academic angle was less of a big deal, but I suffered anorexia for several years, and can't help but think I was trying to make my body match those of my peers. I bet your instincts on this are spot on, and it doesn't matter if people judge you, and they probably won't. Do what's best for your daughter.

I think you will know when you hit a wall and your child isn't understanding or retaining material. It really, for me and speaking specifically about BA on grade level, had to do less with the amount of parental involvement required and more with the type of parental involvement required. I paused when it crossed the line from me asking questions ("Oh, wait, could we try this with smaller numbers? Does this look like any other problems you've seen? Oh, hey, can you draw a picture to show me what you're thinking? What if we try to make a model? Hmm, where did they explain this in the guide?") to actually having to go over the same misapprehension or mistake again and again with no lightbulb moments. (One sign was that my child who repeatedly said she understood the example, or the solution for a problem, but was unable to immediately replicate it or another just like it once the example and solution were hidden from view.) I think being able to struggle with math problems on one's own is often a matter of maturity, not ability. And the willingness or desire to do so is a matter of personality. Some subjects, particularly math and the sciences, can, I think, stretch the human brain to the point where inability to work or communicate with others is actually a liability. The main thing I try to be sure of is that my assistance is aiding my kids' abilities to struggle without being felled by frustration, to communicate clearly, and use productive problem-solving strategies. I am not there as a calculator or even a teammate (although I believe this is valuable with peers at the same level) but a coach. It sounds to me like this is what you're doing, and so I'd trust that you'll feel it when you're doing too much.

Back when my cousins were homeschooled, the superintendent of our district actually met with them once a year for this kind of chat. They were unschooled at times, and did fine. It did not happen at their house. Right now, if you visited my house, you would see a huge hole in the drywall from where an out-of-control kid kicked it, except it was like a kickboxing kick, so it's conveniently at adult punching height. There are potato chip crumbs in the couch crevices and marker scrawls on the walls, some of which say things like "stoopid" and "I hat you". The rug is gone thanks to an unsuccessful stint of "elimination communication." The backyard is full of PVC pipes and boards and looks pretty junky right now. Because I know our story, I can see quite clearly that none of these things add up to abuse or neglect or chaos. But if I didn't know our story, and I were randomly assigned to a house like mine, and the kids were behaving timidly or anxiously or defiantly, what kind of thoughts might I have about that situation? Having seen the things that my fellow homeschoolers label "neglect" on a recent thread here, I am concerned that perhaps the judgments outsiders make aren't always right-- but once a judgment has been made about your family, officially, by a person in authority, it takes a certain kind of weight. I think, for instance, about another thread here with people talking about being reported to CPS, and how I immediately noticed judgmental thoughts about them coming into my head, solely for being reported. How unfair is that? How lonely could that be? How easy is it to find things wrong with parents and families, even loving ones, once they have been labeled potentially negligent or abusive by one person?

Fish oil, magnesium, and meditation have helped me. Also, putting that week on the family calendar when being an insensitive jerk will OFFICIALLY not be tolerated. And consider that practice for the rest of the month, thoughtless boors! (Um, I may have PMS right now.)

This just doesn't seem at all constructive. Are we going to pour more and more money into figuring out how to identify and penalize poor teachers (whether in public schools or at home), or are we going to invest in training and supporting teachers and parents? I'm guessing that the people who spend the least actual time teaching and caring for the kids have the greatest amount of time to devote to Window Dressing.

I'm guessing you already have lots and lots of books, games, videos, sticker/activity/coloring books, calendars, and supplies and are looking for something slightly more...curated? Less cobbled together?

Thank you for this. I always have to remind myself to be as patient when it comes to the maturity levels of my kids as I am with their intellectual growth, to provide the same kind of incremental scaffolding, to practice one task for weeks before moving on to the next, to give encouragement for what's done right and mentally file the mistakes into "teach later"... I need a Household Chores curriculum, I think. I expect way too much and then treat it as some kind of sign of their total disregard of me when they protest. (I was never taught or required to do chores, FWIW, although I am a naturally tidy person and can keep things very neat when I'm on my own. My ability to manage and oversee other people in this regard is clearly lacking.)

I answered other, because I have a reasonable amount of time I can expect my child to work on things, but setting a reasonable time for a hypothetical first grader to complete unspecified assignments seems murky. (All of the things you've listed could vary in length or difficulty, I think.) I will say that for my first grader, we can do everything in an hour, generally, or less, if it's all straightforward. If we're not completing something, it just goes to tomorrow. That would be a lot of writing for my first grader, even with breaks. (That's also apart from read-alouds and independent reading, which I don't count and aren't on the clock, but would most likely push us toward the times proposed by the PPs.) Also want to note that there are never "no distractions," LOL. My kids' brains are their biggest distractions. (Sometimes in a thinking kind of way, and sometimes in an emoting kind of way.) I know what you meant, though!

:mad: :( :grouphug: (speechless but sending strength and love to you and your family)

Thanks for sharing these quotations! They are helpful. Maybe I'm wrong here, but for competitive programs like this, my impression is that almost all of the applicants are qualified for entrance. What distinguishes them is the other stuff, and I have no idea what it was for these kids (being one of many on this thread who have not read the book!), but it sounds like their parents also prioritized music? So it wasn't all STEM, all the time? I'm not sure why it would be awkward and distressing to be an engineer with superior verbal skills; her math score was close enough to perfect to make this sound a bit like a humblebrag. Perhaps it would have been more helpful to note that this is a sign of an education that was more well-rounded than others might assume?

Well, I know it's just a word, but if you can change your thoughts about this process to exclude words like "traumatic", it will be perhaps be easier? This isn't traumatic. Your child is about to go through a rite of passage, and while it's never easy to move from one stage of life to another, these transitions are opportunities for growth. She is going to sleep all night long without drinking milk, just like Mommy and Daddy and ___ and ___ and ___! With my toddlers who had good receptive language skills, this is how I framed it, along with the whole "when it's dark, milkie sleeps" as mentioned above. I never tried snacks, but I'm going to do it, one day, if I have trouble night weaning my current toddler (who is 2.5, by the way, and has a clean bill of health from his dentist, as do my other kids who nursed at night-- this aside for anyone who is receiving outside pressure to wean, which I realize isn't your particular problem, OP). I do remember doing a bedtime snack (buttered cinnamon toast and warm milk with a squirt of honey) for my oldest when I night weaned her, because she was tiny and picky and I wanted to be sure she was getting enough calories to get her through the night. If it's not already clear that I'm a big fan of creating the kind of sleep habits experts warn are unhealthy, I should also note that if I didn't want to nurse them, putting my little ones to sleep has always been easier if I'm willing to go for a long walk in the stroller or take them for a ride around the block. This is obviously not something you can do in the middle of the night (unless circumstances are extreme), but for getting that first sleep, it worked well. But I didn't stop nursing at naptime when I night weaned. Naptime nursing was still just fine with me. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. Chances are that it will be easier than you expect, but if not, you have a wonderfully persistent kid, and that persistence will serve her well some day!

Awww, hugs. I'm sorry they were so disrespectful. But seriously, the only reason this would be hurtful is because of the bad stuff adults have done in this world. They were just acting like brats in a way that got your goat because you're a decent human being.They're not responsible for the crimes of humanity, you're not responsible for their bad behavior (bio or not), and nobody learns to treat other human beings with respect (esp. if one has not always been the recipient of such behavior? don't know their story) in a moment, or a day, or a week, or even a year. It's a long road. And rather than wishing the earth would swallow you up, I think you should feel somewhat good about surviving that difficult moment and persisting in loving these kids. That takes a lot of strength, and it's the bad moments that make it real.

Yes. And it sounds like actually he would have been totally comfortable with this party. Birthday parties are to celebrate with our friends. We try to make them comfortable, of course, but for a best friend? You extend the invitation with the caveat that he will the only boy there, but you'd love to have him. They're four. I have experienced this once when my kids were invited to a party, along with all but four kids from the (small) homeschool group we belong to. Seriously? So mean. As friendly as the mom and kids are to us, I no longer trust her. With that said, if you can find it within you to go tonight, and give your friend a chance, she might say something that helps make this all better. We don't know. I'd give it a try. And I like the idea of saying something along the lines of, "[son] really wants to do something special for [girl's] birthday. He has a gift and we wondered if we could take her to a movie/go out to lunch/treat her to ice cream." And then maybe you can dress him in a princess dress for the occasion. (Just passive-aggressing! But as the mom of a son who is perfectly happy to get his nails painted and eat pink cupcakes, I think sex is a lame reason to exclude a four year old from a party.)

If they can't enjoy it unabridged, I'd rather wait a few years. The advantage of reading aloud is being able to provide quick, on the spot explanations for difficult passages and vocabulary. And being able to abridge according to how one's listeners are doing or because one winces at "product of one's time" prejudices that distract (and would detract, if attended to) from the overall content of the book.

"Look Inside." Quickly click out of that window. Already have enough of people telling me how great their kids are in real life. And then taking personal credit for it. But I know their kids. And they deserve some credit. For not being as obnoxious and self-congratulatory as their parents. And for having a sense of shame.

I have a few thoughts, one of which is that it's perfectly fine to do games/relaxed math until after the end-of-winter-blahs/tax season pass. The situation with her brother's RS seems like it needs to be addressed, and looking for enticing ways to get around it might be setting yourself up for failure if the thing she is really after is time with you. Is it the curriculum that appeals, the fact that you are more hands-on during his math time, the games? One more thing. I think it's really important not to invalidate the negative feelings your daughter is having about math, even though you're obviously trying to boost her self-esteem. If she's saying this is not a focus issue but an issue of not getting it and feeling stupid, telling her she's smart and that she's just having trouble focusing probably isn't helping you figure out the whole picture. (Does she need to know, for instance, that it's okay to struggle with math, and that actually "smart" and "stupid" aren't really words that apply to trying to understand math?) There can be a lot of invisible things going on that look like trouble focusing. Some kids complain and say the work is boring, or too easy, or too hard, but no matter what they say, we have to probe a little because those words sometimes don't mean what we think they mean. And that probing makes my own kids frustrated and angry before things get better, so it means I have to be patient and willing to listen to all their bad feelings without trying to fix things right away. ("Okay, I hear you saying you're stupid. Let's look at problem #1, practicing measurement. What were you thinking when you saw this problem? Okay, let's move on to problem number two..." All the way to, "And when you finished this page, what did you think? What did that feel like?") If your child can actually figure out how to express what is going on during her struggles, listening to that is what is going to help make sure your next curriculum purchase isn't a huge waste of money! My third grader still needs almost as much attention during math as my first grader, for what it's worth. And yes, this morning my toddler did flush a toy down the toilet while we were working. It's hard. Can't imagine also trying to work as a CPA during my only free moments. Maybe it's time for a well-deserved early spring break?

Having volunteered tutoring adults, I would say that it only gets more difficult. Interestingly, teaching basic math skills was not that big a struggle, but I suspect that most of the adults I encountered who lacked basic literacy actually had dyslexia that the public schools had failed to identify. They were all either poor or minority students who had simply been assumed not to be smart, which was so far from the freakin' truth.

I don't think William Steig has been mentioned yet. I have to consult a dictionary when reading some of his books. Ludmila Zeman has a few-- the Sindbad and Gilgamesh books. Drawing in the Sand (Jerry Butler), in terms of layout and difficulty, probably is beyond most kids in early elementary-- but it's an incredible story (autobio), with biographical sketches of African American artists.

That sounds like a great story, and honestly, the best stories come when there's a little bit of risk or uncertainty involved. When I traveled as a teen and young adult, I know I met people who invited me to stay at their houses, and I didn't really enjoy these experiences, but they gave me the best stories afterward, and luckily my gut instincts (that these were good people) were right. The reason I preferred youth hostels was because I was raised with a great deal of freedom and independence, and I found it limiting to stay with people whose expectations of young women were that they should not go certain places by themselves or do certain things alone or at certain times. It was so good for me to experience this aspect of other cultures, and to recognize my extraordinary privilege, but it was definitely less constraining to stay among groups of other travelers. However, isn't it amazing that so many people are so eager to share their homes and lives with relative strangers? I truly believe the overwhelming majority of them are guileless and good.

:grouphug: Hoping the kids do okay with the news and are neither devastated nor insensitive. Thank you for sharing your Nickel story with us. 28 years! He sounds like a special turtle.

I did this when I was 17. Drove by myself, including through The Big City, which for me (a rural kid) was pretty confidence-boosting, to meet someone I'd met online .And I was a teenage girl. I had a good time, but nothing so fun I wouldn't have been able to tell my parents about it! I think being able to have good judgment about this or any particular situation, whether online or face to face, is important. (Although it would be nice if there were some blanket policy that would prevent anything bad from ever happening to anybody, that might also prevent a lot of good things from happening-- and developing independence is a good thing.)

Can you get the ISBN and replace the book yourself, or do they still charge the $8 fee? I know my library has a small fee (like $3) for getting the book into the system, but it has always been cheaper (if not easier) for me to replace the book myself. I assume that you already know all the options, though. I've also had better luck if I show them the book and tell them I feel horrible than if we return it without noting the damage-- they seem to really enjoy punishing us for the latter but have been quite forgiving when it comes to the former. Water damage is bad. I am the only person in my house who has ever done that, because it was a cookbook. A big, expensive, hardcover cookbook. Our library doesn't fine people for things like scribbles or tearing pages out (which I've taught my kids not to do) but only for things like blood all over the pages (and I have a kid who gets nosebleeds, so this has been expensive and embarrassing-- I don't always realize when it has happened).

So, for your past readings have you been able to Google lesson plans or writing assignments related to the books? That's pretty much what I do. (That's not to say I'm not consulting this thread in the hope of finding a curriculum that doesn't just have great writing prompts, but also has several choices of writing prompts for a whole list of books that just happen to coincide with the literature we have chosen to cover.) I do find that the Suppose the Wolf Were an Octopus? books are useful for this; often the higher level questions can be slightly adapted as writing prompts. (For instance, my 8 year old and I just read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and adapted a question about imagining Alexander and the "terrific, wonderful, very good, fantastic day" for a writing project.)

By the way, I don't like that this happens, but I'm liking it because this rang very true, for us. I actually feel sorry for my husband, not myself. How sad to be so weak you cannot stand to see your wife cry. It makes me feel strong that there is no emotion I cannot face and accept.