This. And the "dumb crap" for a LOT of parents is food-related. Because abuse is about controlling another person, and everybody has to eat. Trying to keep the little people entrusted to our care healthy-- to take care of their bones, teeth, hearts, and brains, including the part that needs nourishment that goes beyond what food provides-- is the job of every parent. And the reasons behind our choices doesn't have to be a huge Grown-Up Secret. We're all in this together. We have the same rules for ourselves and our kids, and we explain to them why, and we don't shame them for what they like or don't like.

How is your digestive health on the high-calorie junk food diet? I know nothing about gluten issues, but wonder if this is related to what you're able to absorb from the foods you're eating?

Oh, man. I'd be leaving The Gift of Fear on my husband's bedside table. I mean, I don't really get triggers and all that, but it seems to me that "All Christians should love each other" in this context undermines your personal instinct to keep yourself safe. Sorry that happened. Betcha there are other women who feel that way about this guy and also feel extremely awkward and confused about what they should do about.

When this kind of doubt creeps in, I know it's time for us to spend a season being more active outside the home and maybe it's okay to be a little looser academically for awhile. Park days, playdates, classes, meet-ups, camps, sports. They don't have to be just homeschool activities, either. Most that we've ended up embracing are not, and I've found convenience is super-important to maintaining friendships at any age. (As someone who attended private school 30 mins. away from my home when I was a kid, I will tell you that my closest friend whom I got together with on a weekly basis went to the local public school. Proximity was more important than schooling in determining how frequently we would get together. And this seems to be true for my kids, too. It's too bad, because they have made some great homeschooling friends, but we just cannot get together regularly with kids who live an hour away or more.) Being in a big group of kids is fun. Getting a break from our kids is fun, too. It's why a lot of us look forward to summer camp season! As for your friend-- never compare your reality to someone else's window dressing. And it sounds like this friend is giving you her window dressing. Or maybe she's really in the honeymoon phase. When one is in the "humdrum reality phase" of homeschooling, seeing someone who has just fallen in love with school can indeed make one question one's choices. And start browsing local school websites, which have such beautiful window dressing. No, "We have a strict no-talking during the 20-minute lunch period policy," or "When we see any hints of friendship occurring in the classroom, we make a note not to put those kids together next year!"

In terms of calming down to sleep, we've had some success with magnesium and herbal tea and lavender essential oil mist. This may be the placebo effect (or about the ritual), because I am sure to tell my 7 year old what they do, but maybe worth a try. Yes, 7.5 has been the hardest age for us yet. About the perfectionism-- one thing I'd be careful about is that I've found the message about having to overcome perfectionism or stop being a perfectionist does not seem to be a productive one for the mental health of my perfectionist. It just makes her HATE that aspect of herself that she recognizes as perfectionism. So now not only does she beat herself up over mistakes, she beats herself up over beating herself up over making mistakes. So the message I like a little better is that lots of people hate making mistakes, like seriously hate it and freak out inside (and often outside). We can maybe accept that perfectionism is a trait that isn't totally under our control (and isn't our fault as parents). We can do the best we can to send all the right messages, and our children can do the best they can not to flip out in public, but they are just going to be a little more intense (little more- HA!) and occasionally appalled by the fact that they are, alas, mere humans who err. And once we've accepted that, we can perhaps stop sending the message that they would be a little more perfect if they weren't perfectionists? And we can channel that trait in a positive way? I'm just free-thinking here, as I'm still struggling with this myself. The testing is a beast. I hate it. Let your kid know that there are other kids, too, who want to rip up every drawing that isn't perfect and that's a sign that he cares. And caring isn't a bad thing!

Can you come do morning time at my house, please? This sounds perfect!

Totally agree on the evaluation. The following suggestion is what I'd do in terms of math while you're waiting to take care of that. That sounds like a bad day. On a bad day, every single thing our kid has struggled with comes back to mind, and I have had to ban myself from making any major (or minor) purchases after a bad day. I'd want to have a better day today, and so what I usually do is say something like, "We need to spend some time really working on place value, which is a pain because I know that's your least favorite thing." (IT IS. Place value lessons in this house are a drag. We'd all rather be doing multiplication, or fractions, or division.) "So we're going to make it as painless as possible." Then I get a bunch of place value related games to choose from-- thanks to some Google research ahead of time and a deck of cards, place value discs and our place value mat. Coins and dollars are fine motivation if you want to refresh ones, tens, and hundreds. And that's our math class for a few days or a week until we go back to the book and see if it's making a difference. (All kids are different, but I've found that my dd who struggles never gets too old to prefer not losing these math games. We save the losing gracefully lessons for things that she doesn't already feel she's an abject failure at.) Good luck. Hope today is better! (Or whenever. Time zone confusion here.)

I think if your first grader is writing on his own for fun, that's his curriculum. At this age (and even throughout elementary), I like to do a little bit of copywork (kids' choice of material) and a little bit of natural narration (probably more along the lines of Julie Bogart's Big Juicy Conversations than anything else). And lots and lots of reading, listening, talking. For I believe that at this age, the most important components of a program that will ultimately develop writers are listening and reading and speaking. I don't know what the Abeka writing assignments are like, but I'd say once-a-week poetry memorization might be more valuable, or even just reading aloud to each other, or spending that time reading his stories back to him and enjoying them. I'd agree with your instincts on this, that you don't need the full program.

Is it possible for you to volunteer in the classroom so you can get more of an idea of what is going on? It sounds like most, if not all, of your issues involve his classroom behavior. And these don't sound like particularly unusual behaviors to me. Some kids just don't remember to raise their hands. Some talk on and on and mistake a story for a question. Many have trouble focusing without special reminders. I was talking to a teacher last night who complained to me that in her entire class, there were only three kids without behavioral issues. At that point, the problem is not the kids, you know? So I'd just try to see what's really going on here. It could be the environment and not your kid.

I like using a combination of nonsense word lists and highly technical graduate level textbooks we have lying around the house to test decoding skills. I release my children from phonics once they can pronounce a whole lot of words that make no sense to them. I think it's comparable to how some people know they should be accelerating their kids in math. Well, sometimes we're not really sure, right, because practice and repetition do make perfect, but they also are a total waste of time (and the death of joy) for certain children. (This is also just probably partially a matter of parental attitudes. Some of us would skip a year of phonics or spelling instruction for a kid who is an avid reader, and some would simply choose to level up and accelerate. That probably depends as much on the amount of structure your child craves-- or can take!-- as on parental preferences.)

Thank you for the morning laugh. Guilty as charged.

Hmm. OK. I think I see your point. But when you say critical evaluation, is that the same thing as critical thinking? Since we're asking what is critical thinking, I still see what you're referring to as evaluation more as "fact-checking" than "critical thinking." Why has this book been edited this way? is indeed a fine critical thinking question. But it won't elicit critical thinking if you are not completely certain of the facts. If I ask my children, Why might one of his biographers have invented the story of George Washington and the cherry tree?, I am asking them to think critically. If they respond, "Because George Washington was invented; he is a mythical person invented to try to drum up American patriotism," they're not using critical thinking skills. They are demonstrating to me that there have been some gaps in their education, and maybe it's time for a trip to Mt. Vernon. I'm not sure I agree that there can be "critical thinking" that isn't solidly founded. There can be criticism or skepticism that isn't solidly founded, but for critical thinking to occur, we cannot be in disagreement about empirical facts.

I would go back to MUS. At this age, I'd always choose building enthusiasm over rigor. Then you can take it year by year. Especially with other little kids, you need something where dealing with your son's negative emotions about doing it isn't going to fill the time he could actually spend doing it. (Can you tell I've btdt?) There are also good suggestions about ways to work with MM, but if he's reacting to it strongly right now, I'd say hide it and use it just as a reference for your purposes.

Welcome! I'm sorry you're coming from a bad experience with your kids being overlooked in school. How do they feel about their school experience? One of the biggest advantages of homeschooling, I think, is that we can give kids not just individual attention but also a say in their education. Could you spend a little while deschooling while taking the time to observe your kids, and maybe have a sit-down with each of them when you've finished to show them curricula you think they might like and let them help choose what they want to use this year? I like TWTM Elementary Planning Worksheet. I would echo that they are not behind. They are behind what the schools say children should be doing at their grade levels, perhaps, but by now you've discovered first-hand that what the schools say is happening is different from the actual learning that takes place. It doesn't much matter what subjects or concepts are being covered if the kids aren't learning (and worse, children's time is being stolen for naught).

I would agree that sometimes, the kind of family culture that promotes obedience is one in which outsiders have a hard time catching a glimpse of the bitterness that lurks beneath. Until we marry into it. (It's kind of like how, once I decided to homeschool, I stopped being privy to my friends' complaints about the local public schools.) Now, if you actually live in poverty in a country in which there is such competition for the very few lucrative jobs that exist, this kind of attitude makes more sense.

Frankly, the ability to deny the Holocaust-- even for an hour-- seems less to me about critical thinking than about lack of knowledge and life experience. That, to me, demonstrates a problem with one's education up to that point. That experience would seem to demonstrate that critical thinking cannot take place without a sufficient store of knowledge and experience. This is kind of along the same lines for me as the discussion about Flat Earthers that took place here awhile back. People who think they're way ahead of the rest of us in their ability to think critically and be skeptical are often just woefully ignorant. When my 4 year old argues with me that in Madagascar, they actually speak something called "Broopy Language," she is not thinking critically, even though I've never been to Madagascar. If a certain group of people march in lockstep when it comes to a certain issue, and if they are significantly more educated than you on that topic, questioning them out of skepticism rather than a desire to comprehend more doesn't demonstrate critical thinking. I am honestly a little floored that questioning an event that happened less than 100 years ago was presented as an argument for critical thinking rather than as a sad story of how critical thinking gets lost in the absence of sufficient education. I mean, there are very interesting historical arguments that take place, but this is not one of them. Not even close. Another reminder about how our schools are failing children.

I hope someone here has read the book. I know that feeling of NEEDING to talk about a book after finishing. Unfortunately it's not at my library and I'm pretty picky about the books I buy. However, I will add that I actually know a family who did this, and a lot of their motivation was related to finances and to religious beliefs. They also had six children, and they knew they wanted their kids to live at home while going to college. I cannot really speak more to this, because their views are totally opposite my own (I actually think college is totally wasted on the young, in my most grumpy moments). I do think setting young people's focus on grad school, not college, is much more the norm these days than it was when I was growing up-- when just a 4 year degree was a good enough achievement for most of us-- and maybe finishing college requirements earlier is part of that trend of no longer really seeing a 4 year degree as a crowning achievement.

I just saw Bookshark's free South Korea unit study and thought of this thread. It's from Level 5 and might be helpful if you wanted to integrate some more geography-related activities into a unit study on the Olympics. (Or for those like me who just like free stuff in general, especially NEW free stuff, especially at this time of year when I'm dragging.)

I actually think it's incredibly common for parents and teachers to overestimate kids' math learning. It's not unusual at all for kids to be able to work at a certain level but only demonstrate knowledge up to another. (At least, so say my teacher friends who are frustrated and worried by their kids' test scores.) One thing I'd wonder is whether your child is stubborn and hard to teach not because she really doesn't want to learn, but because she's embarrassed that her parent will see all the things she doesn't know and the mistakes that she makes? That seems to be so true for one of mine, but it appears that she is unwilling to even try and doesn't care at all. If so, I'd think your inclination to get a tutor is a good one. Do you have a good library? Ours has a free tutoring program one day a week run by teens, and the good part of that is that it helps kids see that they are not the only ones struggling. (It also helps homeschooled kids see they are not the only ones who have to do math despite struggling.) There are also a lot of people who tutor kids 1:1 in math at our library; you can find their info. on the bulletin boards. Many are teachers.

Yes, 2 year olds can learn to read, but there is no advantage to learning to decode early that I know of (besides, perhaps, alleviating parental worry that your child might have a problem learning to decode one day). In fact, I think a lot of us who are inclined to accelerate our children (or our oldest child) do so out of just wanting to make sure they can do it/we can do it. And in a way, if you read TWTM or Rethinking School, this is, in a way, why teaching reading early is suggested: if your child has an issue, you will discover it early enough to be able to find another method, or seek help. They won't have to suffer in kindergarten. But she doesn't recommend doing this at 2, or even 3, that I can tell, because at those ages it really is pretty hard to know whether your child has an issue or just isn't ready yet. And I would recommend anybody who is planning to send their child to public K examine this recommendation critically in the context of their school system. My school system does an excellent job of teaching children to read. It's the priority in the K year. If you live in my neighborhood, you can probably chill and just enjoy reading beautiful picture books to your child and focusing on giving your child the kind of language-rich experiences that create great parental bonds and enable kids, often enough, to spend as little time as possible with those linguistically uninteresting early readers. Sure, 5 minutes looking at flashcards isn't a big deal (although the folks I know who have encouraged early decoding seem to use screens for it, which makes it more appealing, but is a whole 'nother can of worms in my book), but I have huge, long word lists (because I am fortunate to have early talkers) of vocabulary my kids actually could use correctly and understand (if not pronounce wholly intelligibly) at age 2. They are written on napkins and scraps of paper, and when I pull them out of storage and look at them, they make me laugh and remember. Because being able to express themselves orally helped me to understand who my children are and what was going on deep inside them. It brought us closer. And while, ultimately, being able to express oneself in writing and to read what others have written also can nurture relationships, that would not have happened at 2 or 3 or 4, no matter how well they decoded. This is all a long way to say that I think it's more important for a 2 year old to understand the meaning of the word "jealous" than to be able to read "jealous." And I am wholly skeptical of "experts" who claim children who read this early pick up more vocabulary than children who don't; you don't start learning from books until you've had enough life experiences (and oral language) to put it in context for you. Decoding early really gives less of an advantage (academically, or relationship-ly) than all of the other language-related things one could be doing in that short space of time when one's child is small enough to sit on one's lap without putting one's legs to sleep.

I just checked out the map of school choice week participants/events in my area, and whoa! I never realized there were so many Classical Conversations groups that meet within just a 10 mile radius of where I live. Also, the majority of other participants seem to be private schools that are way out of my price range. How many people can really choose that? It almost looks to me like the school choice week events are ways of recruiting new students? Around here, at least. And since it's supposed to be nonpolitical and nonpartisan, that would make sense. If it's not actually meant to change policies, is it just to create awareness that those who have the resources can choose to opt out of public schooling? (Or does this just reflect the reality of school choice in my state?)

I guess one thing that makes me enormously sad, beyond the fact that children are dying senselessly, is the fact that public schools NEED to take measures to protect children from gun violence in schools. We live in a relatively safe time, in a relatively safe place, so I guess maybe I am privileged to be able to feel downright heartbroken to think about 5 and 6 year olds participating in lockdown drills at school. Every classroom in our local elementary school has a sign on the door with a list of the steps to take during a lockdown, and that saddens me, too. It's our job as a society to keep kids safe. I don't want the schools to have to take extraordinary measures. I want kids to be able to feel safe at school. And I do feel like our local schools do a MUCH better job of tackling bullying and being inclusive than schools did when I was a kid. I think blaming the schools is no better than blaming the parents. I can understand taking offense at outside interference into one's relationship with one's children, and fearing regulations that might criminalize non-harmful parenting choices (I am thinking, for instance, of cases of children being removed from their homes because parents photographed their cute little baby bums, or because they were familiar with technical terms for reproductive organs). Anger is normal, fear is normal, but let's join hands, not point fingers. Let's look out for each other's kids. Let's not be guided by fear. No, no way should everyone be homeschooling. One must truly be a saint not to realize how horribly dangerous that could become.

Talking of books-- and I think Being Mortal is a great place for adults to start-- there are a lot of beautiful books about a grandparent's death that can help to introduce the subject if it's difficult for you to broach. (It is difficult for me to broach, and I think I am unusually frank about death and dying.) One we have found meaningful is Grandad's Prayers of the Earth, by Douglas Wood (although maybe should be previewed to make sure it doesn't go against your belief system). I don't think knowing that a person is going to die makes it any easier-- in fact, we are all going to die, and it is still spectacularly &%%(*! anytime someone we love actually does it. It hurts. But the value of being honest with your kids is that they won't think they have to protect you, which I think is a real inclination of kids-- to worry that they can't burden their parents with their feelings about death because, it seems to them, it will make their parents too uncomfortable or sad. Your honesty with them will mean they don't have to hide from you. And if there's one thing that can make death less frightening and tragic, it's having someone who loves you to listen to anything you want to say about it. HUGS. I am sorry you are losing your father-in-law. It is never easy. No matter how old. No matter how sick. And from my own family experience, it is absolutely natural to suffer family rifts during this time. It is easier to focus on the petty concerns and disagreements of the living than on our collective sorrow at the loss of a beloved one.

I think it's healthy to cry, and crying about a fictional character's suffering is pretty much the best way to develop empathy and character without having to undergo trauma oneself. I actually can't read some books aloud to my kids without my voice wobbling and breaking down-- some things are really, really sad! It's normal and healthy to be able to experience and express sadness. And why not do it when you're young enough to still get hugs and cuddles offers of tissues from a caring parent?

I'm another that has never been tested, but I do remember one time when I was sick with what we all assumed was the flu as a kid. Confession: my memories of it are happy. I'm sure I was miserable at the time, but everybody took care of me, I was the center of attention, I got to sleep in my parents' bed, and I got to drink limitless Gatorade, which for some reason I thought was a treat when I was a kid, even if I had to vomit it up. Making memories! I don't have time to look it up, but doesn't exposure to a particularly virulent flu strain seem to grant greater immunity to other strains of the flu in general? I wonder if people who seem naturally "immune" to the flu received some benefit from maternal antibodies? Or something? I know my grandparents who lived into their nineties never got sick (until they died), and my parents claimed it was because if you've survived enough bad illnesses, you built up a good immune system. (Don't worry, we still get our flu shots. Because why roll the dice that you are going to be the one who survives?)