I've always been a secure and strong person, and I was very confident going into my divorce. But trying to tread water during the thick of it was the most challenging thing I've ever done. It turned me into someone who constantly questioned myself, who started to fear, and who became as emotionally wiggly and jiggly as a bowlful of jelly. Or my belly, since I ate my stress. And there was a lot of it going around, as you know. Three years ago you had more and even younger kids still at home, and not that your two older ones won't be affected still ... but they won't be affected to the extent your youngest is now that the paperwork has been filed. Only time will tell if delaying the process was a good, poor, or neutral decision - that can't be determined right now, so be kind to yourself until it is all said and done. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know then, and for what you are learning on the go. :grouphug: I'm sorry you feel so alone. If there was ever a time for women to rally together to support each other, it's a time like this. Unfortunately, some women - consciously or not - feel divorce might be contagious. Or maybe they just don't know what to say or how to be supportive. And so while losing a marriage you also feel like you're losing friendships. It sucks. I wish I had advice for that. I ended up throwing myself into really awful reality television. I've heard exercise is a better option LOL. I hope you find an outlet to guide you through all this crap.

One more thing. I retired a few years ago from that career I loved so much. Right now I'm a stay-at-home ex-wife who I assure you trades nothing - no house cleaning, no errand running, no sex (LOL) for his contribution towards my current living expenses - which nicely supplement my retirement. He complains at work, and colleagues who didn't know us while we were married think I'm a greedy ogre. And that's okay because he needs to process and I don't care what they think. But those who knew us during our marriage - who still only know a fraction of what went on behind closed doors - just let him vent and roll their eyes before moving on to more interesting topics. We all know a dramatic or delusional person who perceives himself/herself to be a perpetual victim when they're really a good portion of their own relationship problems! Sounds like your DH's office has its person. When I retired, our tax bracket dropped from 33% to 25% - two levels. He didn't use tax brackets as a reason when we were fighting about me being a SAHW, but he could have - and it would have been a valid point. If this woman is educated and has a professional career, it could be a consideration in their marriage also.

This OP could have been written about me, had my (now ex-) husband had his way. When we met and married, I had a professional career. He was a grunt on active duty. Even once we married and factored in housing, I earned close to double what he did. We come from different cultures. His is very macho and traditional when it comes to marital roles and expectations. Mine is not macho, but does have narrowly defined family roles and a strong emphasis on social appearances. So though different, they complemented each other in a manner he felt put us on the same page: we'd marry, and I'd stay at home - kids or no kids. Our pre-marital conversations led me to believe we were on (my) same page: we'd marry, and I'd work or not - depending on our situation at the time. My job is incredibly flexible in that I expected to work while he was deployed or on training exercises, and be home with him when he was 'home.' I'm a much more practical person (the higher earner is expected to give up a job by virtue of being born with a vagina? yeah,no) and a person who derives much satisfaction and personal reward from the career I choose (I desired to keep working, kids or no kids.) I thought DH was nuts. He got to go off and play army while I did what - picked my nose on the home front, waiting for him to return? What a bit of romanticizing on his part; no thank you! We fought about it so much that it was quickly becoming a deal breaker, especially once his family started chiming in with their unsolicited opinions and the guys at work started giving DH a hard time about not keeping me 'in line.' They all thought, to quote you, that I should be "literally earning [my] living as nothing more than being a wife." The value to them would be, from my POV, any one or combination of these things: ego, pride, pissing contests about one's worth as a husband, how to keep wifey in her place, how to create a dynamic of dependence rather than address their insecurities head on in an adult manner, and/or how to feel in control when one really felt out of control. Compare this to the value one might retrieve if this was MUTUALLY AGREED UPON by both marriage partners: compromise, support for one another's needs or wants, contributing to the marriage in different but equally important ways, how to create a dynamic of interdependence that is mutually beneficial, and/or respecting the relationship more than one's own vestment in it. I think you're reading this couple's situation through the same lens I viewed my own situation - and maybe yours? But we need to remember that this is a valid and mutually beneficial choice for other couples. Because each person, couple, and marriage is different - and truly, that's a great thing because it means everyone has options. Some will gravitate towards more traditional expectations but others of us find ourselves free to not feel chained to those. This is social progress, especially for women. That the wife in question COULD work doesn't mean she SHOULD. That would definitely be a step backwards for women and society/marriage in general.

Are you able to remain in the house now only because you two haven't officially divorced? And his having filed official paperwork is going to upset whatever arrangement (financial or otherwise) that's currently in place? If so, maybe he did you a favor in a roundabout way. Where I live, courts prioritize the STATUS QUO of the children - not officially, but in practice. And if he's the one making changes to it (by filing), he's the one who gets to figure out how to maintain the status quo (keeping the home until you are ready to sell it.) I hope that's the case where you live, too. Has he met someone new? Does your state recognize legal separation? Maybe some compromise can be found, for the benefit of your son's situation. In my case, we were waiting until the new year to file, for his tax purposes. I had no need to wait, I was doing him the favor. But in the months we waited, he entered a private contract to sell our family home (without telling me). He didn't realize the title company wanted my signature, too, since I wasn't on the deed (but they did because we were still legally married in a community property state). His plan to walk away free and clear, and to leave me stranded backfired HUGELY. His choices were to honor the sale and maintain my status quo by paying me 50% of the sale price (which he was paying off the mortgage with, it's not like he had a few hundred thousand to give me) ... OR ... to break the sale contract, be sued by the buyer (who could also be entitled to a % of the agreed upon sale price, according to DH's attorney) and then still owe me my half of the sale price. I consented to the sale of the house on condition of child support through age 23 or 6 months after they leave college - whichever is latest). I was going to get my 50% of the house sale in some shape or form, and this was win-win for both me and for DH (for him, in that he could defer what he legally owed me and save time/money/face with the buyer). It was two months of rage, frustration, and a hatred I've never known before or since. But then the sun started shining through the clouds. Once I was out of the thick of the situation, I could forgive him and we're back on friendly terms. Because karma, God, and the universe are good! It's hard to grieve the loss of a marriage, a family, a dream. Add to that the loss of a plan you worked hard to get into place to help your son transition and the loss of your home ... and it's no wonder you feel the way you do. I hope your friends are unsupportive only because they don't know what you're going through, and that you make good use of your 'friends' here to support you through all of these painful, frustrating changes. :grouphug:

It's so hard to say goodbye! I can't imagine what your son must have felt before discovering the kidney failure and tooth infection. :grouphug: I'll join you in remembering and celebrating 15 wonderful years with your much loved kitty. And what a story! I hear about dogs who save their family from fire, but rarely a cat. He was obviously more than the average, garden variety pet ... and I'm incredibly sorry to hear of your loss.

I think it's a common "mom" thing, but it's also seen in any relationship involving a primary caregiver with certain personality traits. To me, it's mostly about personality and position. And those are subtly influenced by childhood experiences, which undeniably come into play throughout our adult lives. My MIL has this personality. She's dedicated her life and resources to her husband and children. She will deny having had any interests of her own; she'd say her interests were her children and nurturing THEIR interests. And I believe her! She's not one to feel deprived that her own interests and needs were pushed aside (for decades). But she's now in her 60s and finally making time for long dormant interests. And her family thinks she's having a mid-life crisis or mental breakdown, so they're holding private meetings about "what to do" because it's so foreign an idea to them that she'd have her own interests outside of ... THEM! Meanwhile, I have more ceramic doodads and knit pot holders than I know what to do with - with no end in sight! In a way, she has gone a bit nuts - maybe making up for lost time? LOL She's trying to do EVERYTHING and EVERY HOBBY she ever had a (self-quashed) interest in. Fortunately she doesn't know about Pinterest. Yet ... I do not have this personality. All of my kids are deeply involved in extra curricular activities - most of them do competitive sports which take up a lot of time and money. My hobby is painting, which takes up a lot of time and physical space, and isn't something I can easily do "on the go" during their practices or games. None of my kids share my interest, but at some point all have spent time in my studio painting alongside (or posing for) me. I participate in art shows that sometimes conflict with the kids' schedules. It's hard - and most of the time I'd rather attend their stuff than participate in my own. But not every time. It's been good for them to see that I'm a person with my own interests JUST LIKE THEM. I'm not a robot without interests that excite or ignite me! When I'm working on a piece, they share (and relate to) my emotional highs and lows. It is my joy and honor to be their mother, but it is my mother's joy and honor that I am (still) Gidge. Both my parents had life long hobbies, and I appreciate the example they set for us: becoming a spouse or parent is a priority but doesn't (and shouldn't) mean losing oneself to the role. In fact, in balance it can be more beneficial for family roles and almost certainly beneficial for one's own emotional health and growth. I think there's a wide spectrum ranging from martyrdom to selfishness (we all know a parent who neglects the kids to pursue an interest at the expense of his or her family). I think the overwhelming majority of us fall somewhere in between - even my MIL. If you have an eye at moving more towards the middle of the spectrum, I hope you go for it! You're worth it - and it may be worthwhile for your family, too! :hurray:

This is exactly me, too! I have one who has the sweetest heart. And I have to choke down the creations she brings me as breakfast, in a room I've been so trained not to eat in (since childhood) that I look like a starved prisoner all hunched over the food and shoving it in quickly in case my parents see me LOL. I so very much love her thoughtfulness, but these are the times it takes Oscar-worthy performances on my part to show so.

I've always been a night owl and someone who requires very little sleep.

I come from a country where tipping is not done; in fact, it can be taken as an insult and would most certainly be refused with embarrassment. I'll take AMERICAN CUSTOMS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY for $800, Alex! So I don't know if it's to make up for lost years of not understanding American customs, or if it's due to the years I spent working as a waitress and bartender ... but now I tip everyone. Everyone except people standing at a register which does the counting for them, who have a plastic cup with a cutesy saying on it encouraging me to drop tips in - I don't tip them. But everyone else (in America)? I tip. Writing that out got me thinking: I'm probably the jerk whose tipping encourages the aforementioned counter-sitters to put out that tip jar. May have to re-evaluate ....

In general I believe it's better to wait a bit longer to spay/neuter - but that's for pets, in ideal situations. I care for two feral colonies, and we absolutely spay/neuter our kittens as early as we can. I don't socialize them because our local shelters and craigslist are already overwhelmed with kittens, but as soon as we trap a kitten it gets fixed (then released). The colony on my property is up to 27 cats (because there's one elusive mom and one PITA neighbor who won't neuter the pet tom he lets out daily), and we have a regular 16 that come for twice-daily feedings. They're social-ish and let us pet them; some will let us hold them, but most just tolerate us because we equal easy food. The others we see around the property, and they feed after the larger crowd has left. I think it's awesome your kids are socializing your litter, what a great lesson for them to learn! For anyone who finds an intact stray or feral .... Google for TNR resources in your area. Through a national organization I found a local group that has assisted me in TNR'ing the cats on my property. Of the 27 cats, we've TNR'd 26. I couldn't have done that without substantial assistance. My local group lent me extra traps so I could set out 7 at a time over 8 months. They offered a grant and helped me find a local vet hospital willing to accept the grant money for reduced neutering. Then they helped fundraise to offset a number of the neutering surgeries I needed. Finally, they even helped with transport and post-surgery cat-sitting when I had to travel. I used to laugh and joke about those crazy cat ladies. Now I'm just grateful for them! :lol:

Thanks for taking the time to answer, Maize. You taught me something new today! :coolgleamA:

My culture of origin is strongly interdependent - it's expected, it's encouraged, it's preferred. It looks very different than the standard American model of propelling young adults forward. Two differing interpretations of what "forward" means, I guess. I come from an immigrant family. The type of financial help questioned is essential for the benefit of the extended family, and to some extent even to the extended (cultural) community. My family is new to the U.S., but my native country has sent immigrants since the late 1800s. Those cultural enclaves survived and thrived due to the financial support systems in place; support systems almost identical to the ones in the poll. I also come from a large family. The elder siblings left school in 8th grade to work and help support the family. The middle and younger kids were expected to study hard, attend college, and join the professional class. As mentioned in other posts, this type of interdependence benefitted the family as a whole. As the younger siblings accumulated wealth and assets, those were shared with the older siblings who had more limited options (due to sacrifices made during our collective childhood). My youngest sister just graduated from college. She's just a few years older than my oldest. She earned a full scholarship and didn't need tuition, but we've sent her monthly checks so she can focus on her studies rather than try to juggle them with work. Because of the culture we were raised in, I don't see this as a hand out and I know she isn't spoiled or lazy. We chipped in to buy her a condo near her college; an investment property we gifted to her upon graduation. Each of us has had the same arrangement, possible because we earned scholarships. (I attended a large university and still rent out the property I was gifted upon college graduation - it's been leverage for a number of homes we've bought since and has always been passive income.) Our culture (family and national) loves a good party, so we all chip in for big weddings (not to be confused with fancy or over the top weddings). Like SKL's family, a lot of the more expensive services we will cover within family or community for free or damn near it -DJ, flowers, cake, photos, sewing dresses, etc. It's also our culture to gift cash, to which the couple may use for a wedding, student loans, new car, house down payment; it's for anything they choose. We're not really "registry" people, cash is the norm. So yes, it is my intention to financially assist my children at any age - because I can and because I want to. I see it as my privilege and my role. I also see it as their privilege and their role to repay that in kind to their siblings, nieces and nephews. And so it can continue on and we can all benefit from a collective interdependence. If my kid were lazy and selfish, all bets off. But that's atypical in my community because of traditional expectations older than America. If I had one of those kids, I'd let him falter and drown - for his own dang good, and definitely for mine. My blood pressure can't take these self-indulgent, whiny kid-adults I read and hear about. I know it can't handle one of my own kids acting that way!

Continued prayers for your brother's heart, and for your own little family as you drop everything to support your brother. Thank God for families like yours :grouphug: .

My family wasn't living in the U.S. during any of the wars mentioned. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to impose a draft in our native country, but I'm not positive. I do know that we lean very heavily towards pacifism and peace-keeping, at least in the lifetimes of my generation and my parents'. So I'm vaguely familiar with the U.S. draft, but posts here have me questioning: was the draft for the Army only? If so, was this specific to the conflict in Vietnam, or was it also true for WW2? A number of posts say a relative enlisted in one branch to avoid being drafted into the Army. I'm curious, if this is true I hadn't learned that before. I married a U.S. soldier who is strongly against the draft. He served multiple tours in two war zones and said he'd rather fight alongside mercenaries over draftees. I don't know ho he could possibly know, but then again what do I know. He immigrated in the 80s as a child, so his family wasn't affected by the U.S. draft. But his family comes from a communist nation that required military service. Having immigrating to the U.S. after mandatory military service in their native country, his family views a U.S. draft through a very nationalistic lens: "everyone is expected to do their part" by serving. Toss some hooch into the mix, and debating mandatory military service of any color made for quite the entertaining dinners!

We don't do a formal art or science study, so summer is when we usually cover those things - very low-key, very child-led, and very low parent involvement. At 10, mine could follow Artistic Pursuits on their own. And I bought a number of Jan Van Cleave science experiment books that they'd flip through and do. I had to plan and buy ahead for Art, but I kept the entire program's worth of materials and let them dig through it for each specific assignment. I didn't grade their work or make them do every project (although they mostly did), but I would ooh and aah over the finished product. I picked Jan's science books because they used supplies we had on hand anyway, for the most part, or could scrounge from a neighbor. This required no planning ahead on my part, it was perfect. Those covered most summer days not taken by vacations or camps or planned field trips. We also hit up the library one morning each week, and suggest they check out books related to what they learned in art or science that week. They sometimes did LOL. Our library also offered some summertime programming - my son started a summer chess club at the library that's still on-going. If they don't offer something already, ask them to look into it! My youngest is 10. This year we're hosting a casual book club, meeting 4-5 times over summer.. She's responsible for most of the planning - refreshments, tidying up, related activities/crafts. She'll also do summer lacrosse (6 weeks), Artistic Pursuits and some science. :) And lots of swimming and lots of board games. Our summer house rule has always been no tv or computer until after lunch. This is routine enough for them, and flexible enough for me - some days we eat lunch at 11, some days at 2pm. It just depends on what's going on, and what time we awake.

Mine keep a bullet journal for school work. Each summer I generate a year plan for each student. I break it into 6-weeks or quarters, depending on which kid. I hand them their semester - one in August and the other in January. It's up to them to plan out the daily and weekly details, which they do in their bullet journals. I check in every Monday to keep them on track, but they have the 6/9 weeks to get all of the work done for that "grading" period. We are particular creatures and never found a perfect planner. One kid is a perfectionist who, if his planner was messed up in any way - like a crossing out or ripped page, would abandon the planner. The bullet journal isn't perfect, but works best for his needs.

Another "planner personality" checking in! I actually ended up using a lot of my early-day planning once mine got to high school, probably because I planned in general (rather than specific curricula). I enjoy planning, I feel a strong drive to plan the bigger picture, and I re-evaluated my plans every year as we progressed through them (and as I learned more, especially here). As others have mentioned, it's imperative to remain flexible. Year 1 of homeschooling, I created a detailed K-5 plan (with specific curricula), a more general 6-8 plan (including specific styles - e.g., narrative history to outline, hands-on science - with suggested curricula that fit those styles), and then a very generic 9-12 plan (based on my local private and public schools' requirements). As I learned more, researched more, and saw curricula 'in person' more, I amended my 12 year plan by eliminating curricula/providers or adding them (especially as new ones came out, and old ones disappeared) - with detailed notes, often printed from blogs, websites, and even fora posts. That last bit saved me as we progressed in years. As I added more kids and got older, it saved me the chore of re-researching on a regular basis. Every June I look at the 12 year plan. I wrap up notes on our ending school year and start specific planning of our upcoming year (and more specific but still flexibly general, for the years beyond). I always keep my original plan in my notes because I like to see how closely or how far I've strayed from it, but that's planning geek stuff. LOL

I don't think it's over-reacting to be frustrated / irritated by this. But I agree with those who said once you've given a gift, you have to let go of expectations. This is something I've had to learn to do, myself. It's taken a decade, LOL. I'm still working on it! In your situation I see two options: 1. Continue to give the requested gifts, without expectation; or, 2. Change the type of gift you're giving her. I get a lot of gift cards, but I rarely use them. I have gift cards that expire all the time, unless I remember to re-gift them to someone. I don't keep up with which gift cards I have, and I never have them on hand when I'm at the store in question, and I never remember to bring them anyhow. This is true of places I frequent (grocery, gas). So I probably wouldn't get her a gift card either. I get burned on Visa gift cards often because they expire. I've lost hundreds this way, which is no better than the situation you're in now. In your shoes I'd probably give something consumable. Instead of a grocery gift card, a basket of something. If she has a best friend or a boyfriend, send a restaurant gift card to THEM with instructions to treat her to dinner and a movie. Instead of an amazon gift card, make a "donation" to her car payment, electric bill, etc. - this frees up her own cash if she really wants a Fitbit/etc. You can pay them directly most times. There's always cash, too.

1. Sitting at Starbucks. 2. It's a normal Thursday at 0930 :lol:. By Thursday I'm getting frazzled with the kids and home, so this is my "we're almost to Friday but it seems SO! FAR! AWAY!" sanity saver. Any kid is welcome to come with if they don't talk to me while we're there. But I need the mental focus time if we're all going to live to see the weekend - together.

I was hesitant about AG also, putting it off for two years before committing to it. In the end I figured it was a large up-front cost, but it has paid off because I've been able to use it with four younger kids - all that I need to do is purchase the inexpensive student package for each subsequent student. I wish I hadn't hesitated, so we could have taken our time with it. But I will third the suggestion for Our Mother's Tongue (OMT) also. I tutor high school English for a local private school, and use OMT to help them with grammar issues in their writing. It's layout is more familiar and friendly to what they're used to.

My SIL is an English professor, her PhD is Rhetoric :) I first learned about the progymnasmata through her, when my kids were still in diapers, and was intrigued. When I came across it again during our homeschool years, I was sold on it. Unfortunately, Classical Writing was the most accessible option for us and not at all conducive to my job (which required weekly travel). So my olders all got in on the action late in the game - 8th grade or higher - as soon as I retired. By this time, MP was producing Classical Composition - which is what we use(d), at their suggested accelerated rate. It's not too late for your 14 year old! My youngest started this year. We're using Writing & Rhetoric for now and will transition into MP at some point - maybe middle school - when she outpaces the production of W&R. I did take Rhetoric in school, but it was more in the Speech/Debate realm than in the writing one. I think Rhetoric is a fabulous life skill, and one that will be a great tool for any one in any life situation. The art of effective communication is under-taught IMO; getting any of those skills (read: starting late) is better than getting none!

My daughter does this; I think it's great. I don't worry about her having issues down the line because she's getting the gist (and embellishing) as opposed to changing it or flat out getting it wrong. I teach her to narrate (SOTW, etc.) in her own words, and this seems like a natural extension of that. Come to think of it, I do this also. She used to call me out on it when I read aloud to her. So maybe I'm biased as to its usefulness! :tongue_smilie:

I don't like change, or learning new technology, so I've never bothered with OneNote. I'm tempted to just because I keep hearing how handy it is, but ... then my true self shows back up again, and I'm like - nah! If I think I'll get to the threads in a week or so, I pin them to my favorites bar. I use IE, but I know it work for Chrome also. If I think it's info that's "good to know, but not for awhile yet" I bookmark them. I have folders for years (Elem / MS / HS) and for subjects (History / L. Arts) and for organization (Transcripts / NCAA). Each folder has these subfolders: LOOK HERE, TO BUY, PLANNING. I put threads-to-be-read in the LOOK HERE folder, which I always skim through before buying anything or planning. It takes maybe 3 seconds to do, even though writing it out seems more complicated!

I used to travel weekly for work, which meant lots of hotel pens (my favorite!) My colleagues teased me about it, but without fail they'd always meet me in the lobby on our last day with with pens and soaps if they did not want them for themselves. The pens I kept, the soaps I donated to a homeless shelter. I retired a few years ago and am watching my pen stash dwindle away. I understand your pain! I'd be lying if PENS weren't a fraction of the reason I'm thinking about going back as a consultant in another few years!

Someone I know casually, or have just met, I don't openly disagree (or agree). I just let them do their talking, and offer non-committal but courteous um-hmms and oh reallys. They can usually read my boredom with the topic and move on - to someone else, or to another topic. I like to argue, as in - if it were a sport, I'd be an Olympian. I grew up in a large family with a variety of opinions. Respectful, healthy, but loud debates were par for every meal. I was drawn to the classical homeschooling due to it's promotion of logic and rhetoric. I don't even have to have an opinion on something, I'll argue what color the sky is. Or even if we share an opinion, I'll play Devil's Advocate and go around the mulberry bush with someone a few (hundred) times. I think it is fun. But I only enjoy it with people who similarly find it a sport. I learned not to waste time, or breath, on people who aren't interested in the art of debate, or in better understanding the opposing viewpoint. People today seem to think that to understand (or to express an interest in hearing) the other POV, one must support it; there's no healthy respect for differing opinions. I find the latter to be more of a pissing contest. People who assume I share their opinion tend to be more into those than into a intellectually stretching exchange of ideas, or good verbal spar.