My boys are on either side of yours. We still use a chore chart (no stickers or cute pics, of course, just business) on the fridge that lists each thing to be done. It's specific, alternates weeks, and it is clear what is expected. Add-ons for irregular chores can be written in or verbal. With just the two of you, you can put yourself on the chart, and alternate household chores with him. Not all the chores are equal, time-wise or effort-wise, so that is why we alternate. There is some flexibility about the timing of main housecleaning due to...life. I don't worry about their rooms, generally. One is neat, one is a slob. The one who is a slob occasionally gets instruction from dh or me, "You need to clean your room before you leave on the trip." As far as schoolwork, when our one ds started ps, I told him at the first, "This is your responsibility. I am not going to be asking you all the time if you are doing your work. If you need help, I will be glad to see what I can do, but you are the one responsible to stay on top of things." I do follow the parent portal to see how things are going or if something needs to be addressed, but managing his time is up to him. If his grades start dropping or he does badly on a test, that is when I try to find out what is going on, but I don't plan his study time for him. He has risen to the task. This approach may or may not work as well for you. As others have said, specific chores rather than timing for them seems to work better. Dishwashing should mean all the dishes, not just some of them. Or, "I'll do the pots and pans, you can do the plates, cups, and utensils." Or you can do a wash-your-own-dishes rule (as dirtied), plus 2-3 pots/pans. Call-backs are for a job sloppily done. Before the weekend, I ask about any specific plans. If they have a busy weekend, I remind them to make sure their chores are done before they leave. This system works pretty well for us, but they aren't really complainers about the chores, which helps a lot. I try to always give them a simple thank you when they have completed something that benefits the family, because everybody likes to be appreciated.

There are moral lines that I would draw with my adult children that could damage the relationship. However, they know me and my morals, so it wouldn't/shouldn't come as any surprise to them. It isn't that I would want to do anything to damage our relationship because I love my kids with all I am. However, agreeing to certain situations could cause me to compromise myself on a level that I refuse to do. (Boundaries, you know.) I would lose self-respect, and I believe that deep down, they would lose respect for me as well, knowing that I really felt a certain act/situation was wrong. They might be trying to justify something they don't feel comfortable with doing (and want approval for), or they may truly disagree. But I can't let even my loved ones cause me to go against my core beliefs. It would hurt like something awful though.

I'm so sorry you are having to make these kinds of decisions. I have wondered about this a bit--the "what would I do?" question. I like to have some preliminary scenarios in the back of my mind of things like this. I'm pretty large up top, and late 50s. I know I wouldn't do implants, because my system is pretty sensitive. I fear I would react badly to a foreign anything in my body, and would end up having to have it removed. As to the flap surgery--i'd have to talk a good bit to the surgeon to see what they say. I lean toward bilateral no reconstruction, but I'm not sure. Bilateral due to considerations mentioned above. I do not react well to stitches even, so having any more surgical intervention (reconstruction) than necessary doesn't sound appealing. It's such a personal decision about such a personal part of your body. Hugs to you, Jenny.

Your second one reminds me of my birthday one year in high school when I asked for a filing cabinet. It was a full-sized one. Loved that thing! (Never asked my parents what they thought about that.) Favorite punctuation--it's a tie between ellipses and dashes...

You've probably already heard more opinions on this than you want, lol. But I guess I'll throw in my 2-cents worth (I used hyphens!) as well. Most of my kids have been pretty responsible by that age, but I wouldn't have left them overnight, especially not for several nights. They would have gotten creeped out and even the introverts would have gotten lonely. I'm an introvert, and love time alone, but I get lonely after a day or so. Unless I am the one traveling, lol. But I'd sure love to see you get to go on this trip. You've had a rough year, and to celebrate both your recovery and your anniversary, and to have some time for just you and your dh, I think you should go and just not worry about sil and how they handle things, or whether they are a little inconvenienced or not. (And this is from one who has always had trouble leaving her kids with anybody. 😛 ) But really, they are family and they can survive a little finagling with the schedule. Ds might enjoy having some good cousin time, and if he doesn't, he'll appreciate you more when you get back home! So I vote that you go and enjoy the time relaxing with your dh, and let your son stay with the relatives. ETA: And since he is 14 and a nice kid, I'm sure, it is not like you are asking them to keep your three wild toddlers, ages 4 and under.

The ONLY thing I have ever been able to control of any of this, is when I did too much, too soon, after childbirth, and I bled more and longer. So I when the amount increased after being less, I took the hint and slowed down.

Hope all is going well.

Yes--I can't tell you how many times that "teach the kid you've got" phrase has pulled me through. But oh, the lovely books and curriculum we never used...😂 I still sometimes look longingly and wishfully at it, especially when I hear how beautifully those "academic plans" worked for others. Oh, well, I'm thankful God protected my son from me, lol, and didn't allow me to squelch his joy and love for his passion.

I understand why you don't worry--sometimes the ingeniousness is in a different form, and in the well-roundedness. I have one who isn't a great student due to a learning disability, but he works hard, makes friends everywhere he goes, laughs a lot and loudly, and everybody and his brother knows him (and most like him, lol). I worry about paying for college for him, but I don't really worry about him succeeding in life and relationships. ETA: Your daughter sounds fun and delightful, SKL! As for the above ds, he is a good student. He got a very nice merit scholarship, plus won another one-time one in a specialized national contest, and then talked admissions into a good yearly grant. He keeps being offered internships (which he can't currently take advantage of, but maybe later). He just goes a different path to get to these places. He is in a creative field, and it's like lowering the pressure has a direct positive impact on the flow of his creative juices, lol. ETA: If this come across too braggy, I apologize. I don't really mean it to be a prideful thing. My focus is on the fact that my tendency would naturally be, "You are smart, so you should take the most of these classes and these, and do this and this and this, in order to maximize your potential. and then you should go to this school where you will be challenged and expectations will be high for you so that you will excel by trying to reach those expectations." Which would cause my ds to shrivel up and die inside, as well as be so stressed that he would be difficult to live with.

I've been thinking about these threads a lot the past few days, and started several times to respond. But I always ended up deleting because it didn't really reflect my thoughts. Which go something like this: I have a particular ds who is quite smart. He isn't pg, and maybe not hg, but if you met him and talked to him for a bit, you would be impressed by his manner, his general knowledge, and his maturity. Every time dh and I watch him handle a q&a with someone, or see how he advocates for himself with people who have positions to give him opportunities, he blows our socks off (and we wonder where in the world he gets that). Okay, so I typed out some of the unusual things that he has done, along with the opportunities that he has been offered, but just deleted it because I don't want to be that specific online. Suffice it to say, he is a kid who makes things happen for himself. He is a strong introvert, but has confidence and knows his own mind. In fact, dh and I often run things by him because he has a lot of wisdom and insight. Anyway, I guess the heart of my musing is this: He flourishes with low pressure. Every time I have been tempted to ramp things up for him, it backfires. But if I lay low, he soars. It isn't a rebellion thing, but it is definitely the way his personality works. For high school, we used a 'get 'er done' kind of curriculum. It was strong but basic, without a lot of frills and thrills. However, that gave him time for his creative pursuits. After his schoolwork was done, he read books, he wrote notes on them, he experimented, he learned, he made opportunities happen, he researched, and all on his own initiative. What we did? We bought books that he asked for. And accepted it (most of the time) when he didn't want to do activities that we suggested. I'm not sure where I am going with this. Maybe I just want to say that if you have a kid like this, and you are frustrated because you know that are capable of so much--and they aren't responding to your guidance, that maybe you should take another look at who they are. Of course, I didn't know he was going to turn out this way. We used the 'get 'er done' curriculum because I was tired and we were in a financial pinch, so we couldn't afford what I would have chosen otherwise. There were people who helped him financially to attend a series of conferences. Anyway, I don't know how to end this. Just musing... More isn't always better. Even to the university level. He has chosen a uni that is very small, but it has the field he wants, and he already has been offered things there that he would be hard pressed to get to do at a large uni. Plus, he is experimenting again with new opportunities.

It's kind of sad when they learn how they "should" answer, and have to give in to some conformity in order to save the score. 😞 (Of course, some kids remain strong in that way, lol.)

I'm with Ottakee in that I wouldn't put a lot of weight on "mama." Children that young probably do not understand the full import of calling someone "mama," and are simply patterning after the other children. I mean, I think that could easily apply to children much older. It doesn't mean there aren't attachment issues--many/most foster kids will understandably have them to some degree; I just don't think the name itself is an indication.

When one of my dds was about that age, I worried some about what her test results would be if she had to be tested. But it was because of the way she thought--rather unconventionally and creatively, I thought, but she wouldn't be able to explain her thought processes on a standardized test. Thankfully, it wasn't really a problem later. I really wish I could remember an example of it, because it's the kind of thing that you all would appreciate. Kind of like, "Hm, I never thought of it that way before, but technically you are right, even though I know it isn't what they are looking for."

Grew up in the south. We and pretty much all of our friends at least send a text making sure it's an okay time, even if we are just dropping off or picking up something. So this doesn't really come up. There have been times I was happy about a spontaneous visit, and times it was hard (when I was in the middle of homeschooling). However, over the years, it hasn't happened very often that I didn't at least have a text or call ahead of time. The above-mentioned hospital visits? I don't want visitors if I have had surgery or am sick. If I have a new baby to show off, a short visit might be fun. Even when I was in the hospital for surgery, my unexpected visitors kept it short, so it was okay. But where we live now, hospital visits seem to be a big thing. I keep thinking that if I have a planned hospitalization, I might need to let a few people know I prefer to save visits till I am home and doing much better. I rarely visit people in the hospital due to my own feelings about it. ETA: Sounds like I might be likely to have a new baby. Impossible, ha! I was definitely speaking of the hypothetical (or in the past) situation.

My older kids had been TCK homeschoolers, but did go from 10-12 grades to a TCK school overseas. They all went to a large uni, but didn't have very many TCK friends there. However, for one dd, we were in the US for her junior year, following which she did a special summer program at her uni which familiarized her with the campus (and earned her 6 hrs), so that when she came back as a freshman, she already knew her way around. Our current college freshman is going to a very small private uni, but a nice percentage of the students are either TCKs or international. If your ds is really interested in a large uni for other reasons, one possibility is to start in the summer term rather than in the fall. That gets him used to the campus and procedures when the student population is at a low and not so overwhelming.

It's hard sometimes, because of the consequences like you are experiencing, but once you are married (and have children), your priorities should shift to your new immediate family. We have mostly lived far away from our families of origin. We would love to live much closer, but it isn't possible due to jobs, and we looked for jobs in that area. However, we have to take care of our each other and our children. I wish we could do both, but it isn't possible. I'm sorry you are being pulled, and perhaps being judged, but some of us are just not in a position to move back to take care of our elderly parents, and they are not in a position to live with us. It sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. We do apologize occasionally to our siblings for not being there. It isn't because we feel we are doing anything wrong, but it is an acknowledgement that they are carrying the load, and we wish we were in more of a position to help with that. Hugs.

Oh my.

This is the first year in 28 years that I have not had a homeschooler at home. I word it that way because for the last couple of years, I haven't actually homeschooled, even though I had a student at home. I know some don't call that homeschooling, but he was using a correspondence school and dual enrollment. He is now a freshman at the university, and is thoroughly enjoying his classes so far. My youngest started to ps a couple of years ago, and it really is the best fit for him. He doesn't seem terribly happy, but he definitely wasn't happy at home either. 😞 I wish I knew how to really spark interest for him. Wait--there were a couple of years I did have all of my at-home kids in a small private school during those 28 years. But except for that I had anywhere from 1-4 students at a time, with olders and/or youngers as well. I miss the days of read-alouds and our school-day rhythms, with the ability to vacation at better times and travel when we wanted or needed to. I enjoyed it. I do not miss the days of trying to figure out what would work with a couple of my kids, dealing with theirs and my frustration, and not knowing if I was doing the right thing for them or not. It's been a good run overall, though. Despite the times of frustration, I believe they ended up in a much better place because of my working with them so intensely than they would have, otherwise. I'm in a new season now, trying to figure it out. I don't enjoy it tons yet, because I don't feel like I have truly found my niche yet. I'm continuing to search, though. I'm working, kind of bored, wishing I could find something I really find fulfilling, but after work I'm too tired to explore other options much. I'll keep looking and thinking about it...

One problem with pay being based on past pay is that for me, the job is totally different. The difference is part-time to full-time, a lower level job to a higher level, one that uses my undergrad to one that uses my grad degree, etc. So I don't want to be punished for not being ready for this position before, due to life circumstances. Besides, one lower-paying job can punish you for years, and that certainly doesn't seem fair!

YES! I was griping about this to one of my kids last week. If you go too high, you are risking them eliminating you for unrealistic expectations; if you go too low, you might be shooting yourself in the foot. So I looked up online the average pay for that position in our area, and just put that on there. But I still have no idea if they will consider it too high due to other factors. Just today, I was thinking that it's okay, I have a job that is fine, and the risk is worth it. Maybe I don't want to give up the flexibility of my present job after all, if they aren't willing to pay the average salary. It is frustrating, though. At least give me the courtesy of a range, so I know I'm in the ballpark, and can adjust my expectations accordingly. Re: Hyacinth's post--yes, the application had almost identical information to what was already on my resume that was to be attached. Why not one or the other? As to the no response--I got that they received my application, but have no idea how long I should wait before I mentally write it off. So I just keep checking to see if the posting is removed. Full sympathy from here!

Dh and I are teetotalers; both of us had an alcoholic grandfather. Of our older adult children, as far as I know, two drink occasionally, and two do not. I don't know if this has changed, but I doubt it. Our college student goes to a Christian school where it is forbidden on campus, and I doubt if he will drink, at least not until he graduates, because he's kind of a stickler. Our high schooler--remains to be seen, but he has a health condition which makes it best if he never drinks.

You are not being unreasonable. I had my first colonoscopy overseas. I don't remember the exact instructions, but they were not like I have heard mentioned on here. I think it was just not to eat after a certain time the day before--maybe after noon? But the stuff we had to drink cleaned me out so thoroughly that I was pooping clear water by the end. So if that is the normal way it works, I don't understand the U.S. protocols I have heard on here of light foods for several days and only liquids the day before and so on. Unless maybe someone has a history of constipation and hard, tarry stools.

Not particularly. However, I have found it helpful (sometimes) when a friend or dh reminds me of why I shouldn't worry so much (because I "pre"-worry and think out every possible outcome of a situation beforehand). As in, I don't know yet that it is the worst-case scenario, and if it is, we will deal with it then, etc.

Bummer. After talking with my friend who works there, I went on to fill out the online application, and it looks like it's been filled. There are two of that position, one on the local campus and one further away. They are both still listed, but both links go to the job at the other campus, and I don't want to commute. I will call tomorrow to make sure. Thanks, all; you helped give me the courage to do what I really wanted to do. Even though it looks like I can't do it, lol. But maybe next time I can jump to it more quickly.

Yeah, I know that in my head, but my heart and sense of loyalty keep getting in the way...