Parenting advice

[teachermom2834]

Yeah, it takes time and energy to figure out how it's all going to work out.

 

Thankfully, we live in TN. My kids can get some really great scholarships even for average grades. We have a 2 year college plan that pays for a 2 yr degree at community college.

 

And the HOPE can pay for a lot of university costs for a 4 year degree.

 

But my daughter got several scholarship and is still working hard to pay for her expenses. And those scholarships don't cover dorm or food.

This is exactly right. We are in TN and our schools are more affordable than most. There are programs in place like TN Promise and HOPE but they don't cover everything.

[Nan in Mass]

Fot the record, youngest went to one of those 60+ K schools. The older two went to out of state schools that weren't that much less than that. Many people we know have. How are we all affording it? Usually, by cobbling stuff together - a combination of scholarships, savings from grandparents and parents, summer jobs, loans, and monthly payments by the parents. Often the parents do something to make more money during the college years. It seriously impacts the parents' ability to save for retirement. It is done anyway. For some students, one of those expensive schools is a good fit. Youngest's school has set him up really well for the future.

 

Nan

 

Eta The price of college was no surprise to us but I have been in the room when unsuspecting parents found out how much their alma mater costs now. Those were some seriously upset parents.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Nan in Mass

[gardenmom5]

I know national merit scholars (3!) with excellent grades and ambition who don't have full rides even to state colleges. People who spout this stuff are flat out ignorant about college reality.

 

state colleges often have the worse scholarships because they simply don't have the budget.

re: it was cheaper for 1dd to go to an endowed (now) $60K per year school than our state university which is (now) $18K per year.

 

It does depend on how you say it. I joke with my kids and they joke right back. It might sound awful and hurtful on the outside, but we think it's funny.

 

 

delivery is everything.  I realized how much when I'd sent my girls to their room when their cousin was here.  they told her what to say to get me to release them.  she delivered it with a HUGE chip on her shoulder and came across as a little snot.  (but then, my sister walked around with gibraltar on her shoulder.)

2dd . ...could have delivered the exact same line, and brought down the house. but she also has no guile, and gets along with everyone and makes them feel good about themselves.

 

 

 

  This can even be done through certifications, but looking at jobs most want a 4 year degree  and certifications. 

 

bingo.  many don't even care what the 4-year degree is, especially if she needs certs to do what she wants. it's the "you can finish a four-year program" that having a 4-year degree shows.

she can go to a less expensive college, get a worthwhile 4 year  then the certs.  or can she just get the certs?

remember some companies when they put out their "job requirements' are a) dreaming, b.) have something with which to dismiss an applicant by saying "you don't meet the requirements".   many many job seekers are hired with less.  (unless it is a super competitive field.)

 

dd's BA is classics . . . . . she has all sorts of certs in tech.  (classics makes a great undergrad . . . )  she does very well.  and having a blast too.

 

About the bolded - admittedly I don't live in the US, but how could that possibly be true?  You must have mechanics and welders and soldiers and clerks and so on - those and dozens of others like them aren't things that can be outsourced? 

 

there are training and apprenticeship programs - most do not get the publicity or press.  many aren't aware of them, on top of this expectation you must go to college to make a decent income.  you can do searches for "high paying" jobs that don't require a college degree - many do require a cc or votech program.

 

30 years ago, my grandmother (farmers daughter, wife of a blue-collar worker) couldn't accept my bil union machinist made more than degreed dh.

 

our school district does offer training programs in the high schools so students can hit the ground running with a decent income when they graduate.   1ds graduated with a ccna, and was working towards a ccnp when he graduated high school.  as an 18yo fresh out of high school graduate, he was making the equivalent of $35K per year.  (if he'd had the ccnp, it would have been nearly double.  most of his peers didn't care and he didn't have the motivation to push).  those certs can still be obtained for under $5K - $10K.  more to do it through a cc - but easier.

 

I don't know all the programs - each high school is different, but the programs themselves are open to any high school student within the district.

 

he's now working towards  an aerospace engineering degree.  and there will be debt . . . so, we're trying to figure out how to minimize the debt.

 

eta: about the ccna - there were places that wouldn't hire him because he was under 21 - and that impacted how much he could make with the ccna.

Edited May 25, 2017 by gardenmom5

[Mimm]

I have no idea if anyone pays that.  My point was that before I knew that such price tags existed, I might have made comments that weren't valid.  Once I realized that the price tags of schools was MUCH more than I thought, I had to revisit my conversations about how to pay for college.  I had thought that colleges were at most $20k a year and would think accordingly. When I found out the sticker price could be 3 times that, I realized the things I'd thought about paying for college were naïve.

 

 

 

 

 

It depends on how you say it.  Over the 13 years I've known her, my friend loved to quote the bible verse, "Teach your children in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it."  She would joke with the kids (but it wasn't a friendly joke), "See, the bible says to 'teach your kids in the way they should GO!'  You guys need to GO!"

 

The thing is, I know her adult kids now.  I talk to them independently from her and they are 100% convinced she does not love them.  They're 18 and 20 now.  The 20 year old does live at home working part time as a nanny, and has no aspirations for anything.  He's depressed and doesn't feel his family loves or supports him, though he does live in the bedroom with his 2 younger brothers.  He is completely aimless and has no plans for his future.  He doesn't go to college and left a job in a hospital that would have trained him up through the ranks into a decent job.

 

The 18 year old girl left the second she could and has bounced from friend's house to friend's house and bad relationship to bad relationship in order to stay away from home.  It's not healthy for her.  

 

My other friend who also talked to her kids this way for the past 13 years, wonders why the 21 and 18 year old never want to talk to her.  I've talked with the 21 yo independently from his mom and there's a lot of unhappiness on his side about how she acted about him leaving.  She would say things like, "He's finally going away to college!  I can't wait!  I'll be free from him!" and clap her hands and giggle. If you pinned her down, I bet she'd say she was joking and that of course he could come back if he needed to.  But I'm not sure anyone pinned her down.  So her clapping and giggling and glee that he was gone was all that anyone knew.   He didn't think it was funny and was/is hurt by it.

 

So, when I hear people say, "You guys have to be out at 18!  I have my own life to live!"  I cringe.  Those kids probably think they're not loved or wanted. My mom didn't say she wanted me out, but when I left to get married at age 19, all she could talk about was how much she was looking forward to redecorating my room as soon as she got home from my wedding.  Not a single mention of, "Oh, I'll miss you!" or anything tender like that.  She was just glad to have my room.  And when she got home from my wedding, she started dismantling my room.

 

I think the statements that kids need to move out as soon as they can so that the parents can have their lives back are hurtful.  Actually, correct that, I *know* these statements are hurtful.  I've seen it play out exactly that way.

 

Ouch. That does sound very hurtful.

 

I'm someone who jokes like that with my kids, but I also clarify that these are just jokes. My oldest will joke right back, "Yeah right, you know you won't get rid of me that easily." Jokes that aren't really jokes... aren't funny.

[Danestress]

I'm with you Dawn. Don't tell me there is only one right way.

 

I was at a dinner the other night. There was a young couple and they actually were inviting, 'your best advice for newlyweds' type discussion. The rest of us had all been married 20 years or more. It was actually a nice time with close friends sharing, but I left wondering if DH and I are headed for divorce - even though we are a a very very happy couple and have never had big marriage issues.

 

Everyone's advice was along the lines of, "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about every problem. Listen actively and repeat what you are hearing. Talk more."

 

I would die. Please. Let's not talk about every hurt feeling or possible criticism. Talking can help solve issues, but it can also create them, and it's tedious. Let's just see if it's still a problem in a few days. Make tea a lot. "Least said, soonest mended." I didn't say much because everyone else's seems so sure, and I know what has worked for DH and I might be terrible advice in some marriages.

 

I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH.

 

I actually sometimes think my childless sister and friends have great input because they can see my kids without reflecting them off their own kids. They have no ego in it. They can think objectively.

Edited May 25, 2017 by Danestress

[DawnM]

I'm with you Dawn. Don't tell me there is only one right way.

 

I was at a dinner the other night. There was a young couple and they actually were inviting, 'your best advice for newlyweds' type discussion. The rest of us had all been married 20 years or more. It was actually a nice time with close friends sharing, but I left wondering if DH and I are headed for divorce - even though we are a a very very happy couple and have never had big marriage issues.

 

Everyone's advice was along the lines of, "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about every problem. Listen actively and repeat what you are hearing. Talk more."

 

I would die. Please. Let's not talk about every hurt feeling or possible criticism. Talking can help solve issues, but it can also create them, and it's tedious. Let's just see if it's still a problem in a few days. Make tea a lot. "Least said, soonest mended." I didn't say much because everyone else's seems so sure, and I know what has worked for DH and I might be terrible advice in some marriages.

 

I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH.

 

I actually sometimes think my childless sister and friends have great input because they can see my kids without reflecting them off their own kids. They have no ego in it. They can think objectively.

 

Well, the best advice I ever heard was, "Go into marriage with your eyes wide open and after marriage have your eyes half closed."

 

But the point was clear.....know exactly who you are marrying, know their families, know how their friends view them, know their friends, know their values, etc......

 

And don't let the little stuff bug you once you are married, focus on that big picture.

 

All those stupid things......I just don't have the patience for it anymore.  If DH and I have to put major focus on talking about every damn thing, forget it.....we just trust each other and know that if one of us is upset, it will work out because the other one never does anything with true malice or to hurt the other.  

 

22 years married and I waited until age 29 to marry, and people thought I would never marry because I was "too picky"  Um, yeah!  It is someone I have to be with the rest of my LIFE!  I can afford to be picky.

[Nan in Mass]

I'm with you Dawn. Don't tell me there is only one right way.

 

I was at a dinner the other night. There was a young couple and they actually were inviting, 'your best advice for newlyweds' type discussion. The rest of us had all been married 20 years or more. It was actually a nice time with close friends sharing, but I left wondering if DH and I are headed for divorce - even though we are a a very very happy couple and have never had big marriage issues.

 

Everyone's advice was along the lines of, "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about every problem. Listen actively and repeat what you are hearing. Talk more."

 

I would die. Please. Let's not talk about every hurt feeling or possible criticism. Talking can help solve issues, but it can also create them, and it's tedious. Let's just see if it's still a problem in a few days. Make tea a lot. "Least said, soonest mended." I didn't say much because everyone else's seems so sure, and I know what has worked for DH and I might be terrible advice in some marriages.

 

I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH.

 

I actually sometimes think my childless sister and friends have great input because they can see my kids without reflecting them off their own kids. They have no ego in it. They can think objectively.

I agree with the talking part. : ) But to each their own, I guess.

 

I also agree about your last two paragraphs. I think you put it really well.

[DawnM]

I agree with the talking part. : ) But to each their own, I guess.

 

I also agree about your last two paragraphs. I think you put it really well.

 

 

Talking is fine, but most people drone on and on.  DH and I can sum things up in about 5 minutes that seem to take some people hours.

[Danestress]

But the point was clear.....know exactly who you are marrying, know their families, know how their friends view them, know their friends, know their values, etc......

 

And don't let the little stuff bug you once you are married, focus on that big picture.

 

.

I married quickly without knowing DH well. I definitely didn't follow this first piece of advice, and am grateful every day that I made a perfect choice by dumb luck. But I think that the advice is perfect. I will tell my boys this if they ask.

[creekland]

I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH.

 

Uh, let me just break in to say this is the best advice ever...  :hurray:

 

Too many times people look at general populations and assume we're all supposed to be that way.  On any given subject, many of us are (unless one is looking at commercials/media and calling those general populations), BUT we're all truly individuals and have our differences in some (or many) spots.  Communicate those.  Adapt to those.  Develop your own life.

 

It's very akin to advice on the Hive.  It's shared from many perspectives.  Glean what might apply/work for you and ignore what truly doesn't fit even if it works fabulously for others.  Share anyway even if it's on a different path.  One never knows who else is looking for that spot of advice.

[DawnM]

I married quickly without knowing DH well. I definitely didn't follow this first piece of advice, and am grateful every day that I made a perfect choice by dumb luck. But I think that the advice is perfect. I will tell my boys this if they ask.

 

 

And the truth is, sometimes you just know.  

 

But sometimes you don't.....

 

I have seen both.

[Scarlett]

Uh, let me just break in to say this is the best advice ever...  :hurray:

 

Too many times people look at general populations and assume we're all supposed to be that way.  On any given subject, many of us are (unless one is looking at commercials/media and calling those general populations), BUT we're all truly individuals and have our differences in some (or many) spots.  Communicate those.  Adapt to those.  Develop your own life.

 

It's very akin to advice on the Hive.  It's shared from many perspectives.  Glean what might apply/work for you and ignore what truly doesn't fit even if it works fabulously for others.  Share anyway even if it's on a different path.  One never knows who else is looking for that spot of advice.

 

 

Yep.  I agree.  It is vital to know yourself before you try to choose a mate.  And then vital you get honest feedback from a potential mate.  If people are honest a good match can usually  happen. 

[Murphy101]

Man oh man as a mother of 11 children can I just say I'd give a lot for there to be one way to parent. Or even 2. Or even only 3 ways. Because seriously as far as I can tell at this point there's no less than 11 required to get the job done.

[SKL]

My favorite response to unwanted parenting advice from childless people:  "That sounds like a great idea.  When you have your own children, you do that and I'm sure you will be proven right."  :P

 

Yes, I told my sister that.  She needed to stop.  :P

 

Now she thinks I am the queen of parenting advice.  Either that, or she's a good faker.

[Guest]

Man oh man as a mother of 11 children can I just say I'd give a lot for there to be one way to parent. Or even 2. Or even only 3 ways. Because seriously as far as I can tell at this point there's no less than 11 required to get the job done.

I keep thinking I'll have a repeat in here somewhere but they're each so DIFFERENT from one another!

[Bluegoat]

I'm with you Dawn. Don't tell me there is only one right way.

 

I was at a dinner the other night. There was a young couple and they actually were inviting, 'your best advice for newlyweds' type discussion. The rest of us had all been married 20 years or more. It was actually a nice time with close friends sharing, but I left wondering if DH and I are headed for divorce - even though we are a a very very happy couple and have never had big marriage issues.

 

Everyone's advice was along the lines of, "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk about every problem. Listen actively and repeat what you are hearing. Talk more."

 

I would die. Please. Let's not talk about every hurt feeling or possible criticism. Talking can help solve issues, but it can also create them, and it's tedious. Let's just see if it's still a problem in a few days. Make tea a lot. "Least said, soonest mended." I didn't say much because everyone else's seems so sure, and I know what has worked for DH and I might be terrible advice in some marriages.

 

I think the best way to do any relationship is the way that makes both people able to be their best selves. I am not raising 'kid." I am raising three actual people (actually I am done raising them). I am not married to men. I am married to DH.

 

I actually sometimes think my childless sister and friends have great input because they can see my kids without reflecting them off their own kids. They have no ego in it. They can think objectively.

 

Oh my gosh yes.  The one that gets me aout a happy/successful marriage is having things in common especially hobbies. My dh and I get along really well, we enjoy time we are together and can always find something to talk about.  But we don't have hobbies and such in common, we even don't really want to vacation in the same places and are happy to do it seperatly.  But - we don't expect that somehow we should do everything together.

[2_girls_mommy]

I Hope my son stays home a few years past 18 to get get a head start. At this point he says he is moving out as soon as he graduates. I am actively working on not freaking out because if he does he does. I did. I survived. I actually had a really great time and remember it as a fun time with my best friend. She and I both talked recently about how we wish we had just lived together for a few years and not got married....both of those first marriages ( we were both 18) failed.

 

As far as how different it is now.....I don't know. I think the expectations are different. I had a car I paid $50 a month for. Most kid now have relatively better cars. My friend and I lived in a small attic apartment. $135 per month all bills paid including cable. But it was tiny. And old. It was in a nice safe neighborhood but I can see most kids today thinking it was not doable. For one thing we shared a bedroom and a bed!

 

When xh and I married a few months later our apartment was $155 bills not paid, but it was a really nice small apartment with good utilities....

 

We all had jobs. None of us had credit cards or student loans.

My sister and I shared a room and bed at home and in our first apartment. Years later another sister and I shared a one bedroom and a bed for a few months too. I never thought of it as weird. There were four of us girls at home and often more when the step siblings were home. We always shared rooms and beds. :) 

[Scarlett]

My sister and I shared a room and bed at home and in our first apartment. Years later another sister and I shared a one bedroom and a bed for a few months too. I never thought of it as weird. There were four of us girls at home and often more when the step siblings were home. We always shared rooms and beds. :)

 

 

It wasn't weird for this friend and me.  We were like sister.  Still are.  Not many people I want to share a bed with these days though! 

[Guest]

One of my SILs (y'all know the one...) is the Mighty Dispenser of Correct Advice. *rolleyes* She has been doing it to everyone since our babies were born. According to her, every baby begins sleeping through the night at six weeks old, never needs another bottle beyond the day they turn one year old, and never wears another diaper the day they turn two. She literally would say, "..the DAY they turn two..." She also declared that her "children would mind" before she had them (according to my MIL) and was a heavy disciplinarian. It didn't end there, though, because they also "had" to do at least one sport all year round, as well as three 4-H animals. She was planning to "make" them complete college, where the only acceptable degrees are business and accounting. (This did not work with one child, who quit altogether. He is doing fine, though, because he started a consteuction-industry business, whoch was her worst nightmare years ago. She wanted her kids to be all white-collar.) She bugs and bothers me all the time about DD, because she is a language major. "What is she going to do with that? I will see her this weekend and I really don't want to hear any stuff from her.