Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) n/m Edited August 30, 2016 by Janie Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Aww. I feel so bad for your ds. I can't say what you should do. I know I would not keep this from my Dh.....and I would gently tell ds15 that I appreciate the spot he is in but it is not in anyone's best interest to keep this secret. I would greatly stress to Dh that a blow up needs to be avoided to protect the innocent....your ds15. And I would greatly stress to your dd17 the pain she has caused her brother. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I would consider putting it under the daughter - mom clause you've made in your family for starters. I don't know how a big blow up would help the situation. And pull yourself together to do some big time listening. :grouphug: Shutting her down isn't going to help your relationship. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) n/m Edited August 30, 2016 by Janie Grace 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I would be more worried about the long term relationship between your kids than anything else at this point. Someday you won't be here and they may need each other. Their kids will be first cousins. Your ds will someday understand dd's struggles if he has empathy. The judging is the worrying thing to me. It will be better for everyone if he can let go of judging her and let her heal from the heart break of first romance ending badly. Because she is probably hurting a lot or she wouldn't have confided in him. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 I would consider putting it under the daughter - mom clause you've made in your family for starters. I don't know how a big blow up would help the situation. And pull yourself together to do some big time listening. :grouphug: Shutting her down isn't going to help your relationship. Yeah, I'm really worried that a big blowup will make things terrible. That's a good word on listening. Right now I just want to go off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) n/m Edited August 30, 2016 by Janie Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) n/m Edited August 30, 2016 by Janie Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I would consider putting it under the daughter - mom clause you've made in your family for starters. I don't know how a big blow up would help the situation. And pull yourself together to do some big time listening. :grouphug: Shutting her down isn't going to help your relationship. This would be my inclination was well, your dd is probably feeling awful herself about the secret. I would talk with her gently. If this were in the context of my family's religious beliefs I would emphasize the power of forgiveness and that mistakes don't need to follow us forever. I would also encourage her to talk to her dad if/when she felt ready, if keeping the secret from him would cause a gap in their relationship. I'd want a chance though to coach dh that he needs to be humble and gentle with her. People mess up sometimes, even our own kids. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I would bring DH in and discuss how you're going to deal with the reality. Your son doesn't respect his sister because of personal, consensual choices. That's a problem. Your daughter isn't able to be honest with you. That's a problem. I don't think the actual problem is in the fact that she made choices you maybe wouldn't have. The problem is that in your son's eyes, these choices have diminished her value as a person. She's not a different person because of this. She can still be a good person worthy of respect and love. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38carrots Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I am SO tempted to keep it in the mother-daughter clause thing, but at the same time, if it comes out later, I really think dh is going to feel hurt and betrayed that something this big was kept from him. As a grown-up and a parent he should realize that it is not about him. It is about his DD. He should also realize that this would not have been kept from him, if he was mature enough not to have a useless "blow-up" that no doubt will cause more issues and solve none. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I understand your concern regarding your DH. I agree with others, though, that at least initially you really need to talk directly with your daughter and LISTEN to her. She may be trying to process a whole host of emotions and concerns. And her "flippant" attitude that DS observed may very well be her attempt to mask a lot of confusing emotions and worries. She needs a very understanding mother who will not judge but will help her navigate these waters and help her process what to do the next time. As for what to say if she asks where you got the information, you could say that you heard it through the grapevine but had suspected something was up for a long time because of a change in behavior. Or you could simply say you have been worrying about the change in behavior and heard from a third party that more might be going on than you had been told. Hug her. Tell her you will not judge. Tell her you want to talk with her and hear her side of things. Tell her you want her to know that you love her unconditionally and if she needs someone to listen you are there for her. Then give her a chance to share. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 This is really good and insightful. However, it wasn't a confiding in him thing. It came out in a "never have I ever" game. Those present already knew and it seemed (to him) like she was flippant about it. That was almost as disturbing to him as the other stuff... that other people knew this and that she acted like it was no big deal. I get it better now. He is feeling shocked and hurt that she betrayed family culture "easily". Teens can seem flippant about things they really do care about, though. She probably is hurting more than she is letting on. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 This is nice. Lovely advice. Be my mom, OneStep! LOL. Love to. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 Hugs to you, Janie Grace, as you work through this. Parenting 17 year olds ( and their younger siblings! ) can take so much of our care, attention and effort. Thanks. I'm feeling pretty over my head at this point. But this is helping. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 As for what to say if she asks where you got the information, you could say that you heard it through the grapevine but had suspected something was up for a long time because of a change in behavior. Or you could simply say you have been worrying about the change in behavior and heard from a third party that more might be going on than you had been told. Hug her. Tell her you will not judge. Tell her you want to talk with her and hear her side of things. Tell her you want her to know that you love her unconditionally and if she needs someone to listen you are there for her. Then give her a chance to share. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: This is so good. I can say that I am not going to share the third party because I don't want her getting upset at the friend/acquaintance who shared it with a parent. This is not lying because ds is a friend. Good advice about creating an environment of listening and not judging. (I *do* have beliefs about what is right and wrong, but I am definitely aware of my own humanness and do not condemn her at all for making a bad choice.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 This is really good and insightful. However, it wasn't a confiding in him thing. It came out in a "never have I ever" game. Those present already knew and it seemed (to him) like she was flippant about it. That was almost as disturbing to him as the other stuff... that other people knew this and that she acted like it was no big deal. Given this info, please don't automatically assume that it's true. If you go into a confrontation thinking you know the truth and you won't accept anything other than what you think you know, more damage may be done. Of course, if she maintains that nothing happens when something did happen, and you believe her then that's not great, either. Kids are fun! :D I have always, always maintained a very honest, non-judgemental relationship with dd21 and I am fortunate that she feels comfortable telling me things (even when I may not want to hear them). And that means that even when she does things that I completely disagree with, we can still talk about them rationally. That also means that she can talk to me about things she wants to do, but maybe shouldn't, and will seek advice. I know that's not the relationship you're going for, but your child is nearly an adult, and lying to you in order to avoid an emotional blow-up or punishment is probably not what you want right now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Since it came out in a public setting, I agree I'd talk with her myself with a "heard it through the grapevine" approach. I wouldn't speak to dh until after talking with her and giving myself to process the conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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