competitive family members?

[Runningmom80]

I have a family member who has always been competitive.  I'm pretty laid back, so it's never been a huge issue, but now that she has a child, it's becoming one. :glare:  

 

I do feel like having an "out there" kind of kid opens us up to that.  I find that people go out of their way to mention their children's strengths & achievements to me, which I always congratulate.  That doesn't bother me so much, except when it gets excessive. However, this situation I'm dealing with now is blatant comparisons, which in the past while it made me uncomfortable, has now crossed the line to hurtful. (and it's based on her revisionist history, but that's besides the point.) Plus it's a family member that I can't really avoid.

 

If you've experienced this, how do you deal?

[Spring Flower]

No advice. My MIL does this with her non-homecshooled grandkids vs my kids. She isn't anti-homeschooling but I can tell she has concerns about it. For multiple reasons (not just homeschooling) my kids really are more advanced then the children she is comparing mine with. It is awkward for me to talk about it so I try to do the whole pass-the-bean-dip thing but I can't say it is successful. 

[eternallytired]

Move across the country.  We did!  But you still get the vibes through FB...

[SKL]

It depends on the person.  With most people, I say as little as possible about my kids' achievements, and even make a point to mention the problem areas at times.  I show interest in what their kids are doing until they run out of stuff to brag about.  It makes them happy and it doesn't hurt me or my kid.

 

I have a close relative who sort of looks up to me.  She has two kids who are younger than mine.  She seems to feel like her kids have to prove they can do all the things mine have done.  I've told her it isn't fair to compare, especially when you're using a very advanced kid as if she were a benchmark.  I try to dig down into the details of exactly what her kid is doing (and she is vague about it in her replies).  I encourage her in feeling proud of her kids' accomplishments and talents.  But I also try to subtly lead her down more realistic paths.  Mainly because I suspect her kid may be 2e if she is gifted at all.  (2e runs in our family, but I'm not sure she realizes that.)  I worry that the mom is hyper-focused on the kid's strengths instead of working on the slower-developing areas.

 

Ultimately, I don't care about comparisons.  My kids were slow to do some things and quick to do others - just like every other kid on the planet.  So part of it is me being confident in my own kids and my own parenting.  I can say that my kids hardly ever talked to anyone but me until they were well into preschool.  I can say they walked kind of late and a few other things.  I can say one of them is stubborn and unathletic and can't develop a habit to save her life, while the other has struggled with a variety of learning problems and insecurities.  But they also get their fair share of certificates and ribbons.  Basically I have nothing to prove to "competitive" parents, and neither do my kids.

[Runningmom80]

Move across the country.  We did!  But you still get the vibes through FB...

 

I would if I could! :lol:

[Arcadia]

My SIL used to be very competitive. Her son is a few months older than my oldest. The good thing is she mellowed with age so less extreme now that her oldest is a teen. She wasn't ever hurtful, just panicky if anyone is better than her kids.

My ex-classmate however is very competitive and sometimes let envy get the better of her. We (ex-classmates) just ignore the green eye monster part. She has always had her insecurities since school days and she happened to be the middle child.

I have a competitive and self serving paternal uncle. Thankfully we are an ocean apart and he is not on Facebook :)

With anyone competitive we just choose not to engage. It is easier for us since so far there are no occasions that we can't just politely walk away.

[MinivanMom]

I'm guessing this is a sibling?? Honestly, if a) you are spending a lot of time with this relative and b ) your children are young enough that it could have an impact (because they don't yet have the experience and emotional maturity to understand the motivations of the relative & laugh it off), then you really need to step in and protect them. I've dealt with this in the past, and it is such a rough situation. Here are some options:

 

- Pass the bean dip: just ignore any comparisons and change the subject with a smile.

- Gently point out comparisons with the assumption that it was unintentional. As in, "There's no need to compare the boys; they are both individuals with their own strengths."

 

*Both of these assume that you are dealing with a normal person who doesn't intend to be hurtful and who has the capacity to take the hint and correct her behavior. If that's not the case then:

 

- Stop sharing information about your child, including on Facebook or to other relatives who could pass it along. It doesn't matter whether it is positive, negative, or neutral. Stop sharing.

- Correct the relative immediately when she makes a negative comparison, and explain how you want her to behave instead. As in, "Why would you say something like that? When you make negative comparisons between the boys, it hurts ds' feelings and damages the relationship between the cousins. I enjoy hearing about the wonderful things your son does, but I need you to find a way to share without putting down my son in the process."

 

*If the behavior continues (or worsens, as can often happen when a bully is called out on her behavior), then some options are to:

 

- Supervise your son carefully around this relative so that nothing is said to your son when you aren't present, and leave immediately if you do witness any comparisons or putdowns.

- Limit time with the relative.

- Move further away. I know many people say this in a joking manner, but in really severe situations it can actually be a great way to protect your child while preserving your relationship with the relative.

 

Good luck.

[Syllieann]

My cousin's wife is a ps teacher who thinks homeschooling is bogus because parents aren't properly trained to teach. Their oldest is the same grade as my oldest, which is k. She evidently thinks her kid is very advanced and is always going out of her way to brag about how he can read simple readers "all by himself" and recognize three digit numbers. I just smile and say that's great. Academically, my homeschooled kid is about 10 yrs ahead of hers in reading and about 2-3 in math, but I never mention it. I go home and tell dh what she said; we both have to peel ourselves off the floor when we are done laughing hysterically. So, I guess my advice is in line with others. Smile and nod. Discuss your child's achievements with a trusted friend or family member that isn't competitive, but supportive.

[mathnerd]

We have the issue since birth - DS looks like an outlier in our circle of friends, though I think that he is hardly a comparison to some of the super accomplished kids on this forum. We have dealt with a lot of envy and "what is the secret sauce to your recipe" kind of questions all the time. This is complicated by a boastful IL who calls all and sundry and broadcasts every thing that DS has achieved and makes me cringe on a continual basis.

 

So, we have stopped mentioning any achievements at all. And never talk about his progresses. As for extra curriculars, when it is noticed that we are not available at certain times for social events, we just say that "DS attends a class/activity at that time" even if he is at a performance venue participating in a national level event. We also severely underplay what DS accomplishes - by saying things like how he would play with legos all day long if allowed (it is 100% true!) and how terrible his penmanship is and how playful and "unserious" he is all the time. Nobody who socialized with me IRL knows the true extent of his abilities. And I always listen patiently with an encouraging smile when all the boastful parents in my circle talk about what a "genius" their kid is to read Harry Potter at age 6 and be on his 2nd soccer season blah blah. I always tell them that their kid sounds very advanced and applaud their efforts in bringing up such an awesome child and leave it at that. It seems to me like all the parents who boast are insecure and are looking for validation that they are doing the right thing. I try to provide that validation by not mentioning my child's abilities and also by listening appreciatively.

 

There are some who suspect that DS is not as ordinary as I make him out to be and probe for details. My DH is not very cautious and answers truthfully which is why we have competitive family members at all. And it has become harder to keep accomplishments a secret any more because all the competitions that DS participates in publish results online and a simple google search is bringing up his name and the results. I am not very sure how to handle this.

 

As for family, if you can't stand the competitiveness and negativity, don't mention anything at all. And if you want to be like me, underplay it by pointing out the problem areas.

[Runningmom80]

Thank you for all of the thoughtful replies! I really appreciate the support.

 

I stopped talking about ds a long time ago, I never really did actually, because by the time I realized what I was dealing with, I was aware that I needed to check myself and any ego I could have at the door. We also have always had over exciteabilities, asynchronicity issues galore, etc, so those were always at the forefront of my mind. It's just that he started reading as a young toddler, and was easy to pick out as "gifted" pretty much since he started talking. Her child is also very bright, but she (the mother) hasn't yet realized (or doesn't care?) how the bragging comes across. I usually just ignore that, but recently there was a very pointed comment made along the lines of "my child does this better than yours did at that age." Exact words. I mean, what does one do with that kind of comment?

[Arcadia]

 but recently there was a very pointed comment made along the lines of "my child does this better than yours did at that age." Exact words. I mean, what does one do with that kind of comment?

 

My mother long mastered the act of having a deadpan face (poker face)  :)  The competitive people were her colleagues in nursing.  It is no fun when they can't get a reaction out of my mom.

My dad however does not pick up social cues.  He would just profusely congratulate the bragging person :lol:

[Runningmom80]

My mother long mastered the act of having a deadpan face (poker face)  :)  The competitive people were her colleagues in nursing.  It is no fun when they can't get a reaction out of my mom.

My dad however does not pick up social cues.  He would just profusely congratulate the bragging person :lol:

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

In this particular case, she was remembering incorrectly, or just plain making stuff up, so I gently corrected her. (It had to do with speech, and I think I remember correctly, but maybe I'm being defensive, it definitely caught me off guard.) In any event, correct or not, I think it's totally inappropriate to say something like that.

 

Whoever asked, it's not MY sibling. ;)

[Dmmetler]

At the same time, I think the minimizing is a two-edged sword. As I said in the thread on kids comparing themselves to others, DD10 has a hard time believing anything she does is exceptional-and I do think part of that comes from minimizing her accomplishments and focusing more on the difficulties than the strengths. As a result, she tends to assume that what she's good at is normal-and what she struggles with is less than normal.

 

In my case, family isn't really a big deal-we live halfway across a pretty big continent from them. But I see this all the time in our HS group, where I really don't talk about DD's successes because she faces so much blowback for them. I've seen her deliberately mess up when she feels it will hurt someone else if she's too good-as early as age 4.

[Runningmom80]

At the same time, I think the minimizing is a two-edged sword. As I said in the thread on kids comparing themselves to others, DD10 has a hard time believing anything she does is exceptional-and I do think part of that comes from minimizing her accomplishments and focusing more on the difficulties than the strengths. As a result, she tends to assume that what she's good at is normal-and what she struggles with is less than normal.

 

In my case, family isn't really a big deal-we live halfway across a pretty big continent from them. But I see this all the time in our HS group, where I really don't talk about DD's successes because she faces so much blowback for them. I've seen her deliberately mess up when she feels it will hurt someone else if she's too good-as early as age 4.

 

:(  That's so sad. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this!

[Runningmom80]

Quote messed up

[Runningmom80]

 

As in, "Why would you say something like that? When you make negative comparisons between the boys, it hurts ds' feelings and damages the relationship between the cousins. I enjoy hearing about the wonderful things your son does, but I need you to find a way to share without putting down my son in the process."

 

 

 

This is exactly what I need to say.  Thank you!

[ssavings]

I avoid my family for just this reason. :) 

I have a brother with a daughter the same age as my daughter. We see them once a year, if that (they live within 20 minutes).  It's awful. Just awful. 

Their little girl is sweet, smart, and adorable. I have no idea why they feel any need to compare. It's just ridiculous.

Good luck, mama. Try not to let it get to you. 

[LTBernard]

At the same time, I think the minimizing is a two-edged sword. As I said in the thread on kids comparing themselves to others, DD10 has a hard time believing anything she does is exceptional-and I do think part of that comes from minimizing her accomplishments and focusing more on the difficulties than the strengths. As a result, she tends to assume that what she's good at is normal-and what she struggles with is less than normal.

 

In my case, family isn't really a big deal-we live halfway across a pretty big continent from them. But I see this all the time in our HS group, where I really don't talk about DD's successes because she faces so much blowback for them. I've seen her deliberately mess up when she feels it will hurt someone else if she's too good-as early as age 4.

 

I was trying to find the best way to word this idea earlier.  I worry that if the negatives are what are always discussed then that is all the child feels that there is to him/her.

[MotherOfBoys]

My son has made the comment of "why didn't you stick up for me when she said..."

That was heartbreaking for me. He knew he was more advanced and he felt like my ignoring the person was confirmation that she was right and that I wasn't proud of him.

[Donna]

 I usually just ignore that, but recently there was a very pointed comment made along the lines of "my child does this better than yours did at that age." Exact words. I mean, what does one do with that kind of comment?

 

If I were putting up with similar comments for a long time, I would probably say something (albeit sarcastically) along the lines of how great an accomplishment and what a wonderful parent she must be then leave the room. 

[SKL]

... recently there was a very pointed comment made along the lines of "my child does this better than yours did at that age." Exact words. I mean, what does one do with that kind of comment?

 

Ideally I would want to say "oh, that's nice" or "isn't it wonderful how we all have different strengths and weaknesses?" and then find something better to talk about.

 

However, I can still be a little prideful / protective and I might have corrected the mistake instead.  The problem with that is that she doesn't have to believe you any more than you have to believe her.  So it isn't worth it generally.  Unless you have test scores to prove it.  ;)  (I am bristling a little from something my relative said along these lines recently, and I've been tempted to whip out the test scores from when my kids were her kid's age.  LOL.  Not a sentiment I'm proud of.)

 

When I was a kid, my mom had friends / relatives like this, and she would always downplay our accomplishments, talents, etc.  I brought it up with her, and she said that she didn't need to compare her kids with others, she knew we were above average and didn't have anything to prove.  It wasn't worth it.  And then she would laugh with us about the ridiculous brags that some other parents used to say.

 

As a parent, I don't feel it is important for my kids to feel exceptional.  Also, I want to model polite ways of interacting with people, and I've always been taught that in conversation, it is best to engage the other person about themselves / their loved ones.  I actually wish I said less about my kids than I do.

[Grover]

This is something we deal with on several fronts, and as a consequence mostly keep any sharing to a limited number of safe places.  Although that means it hurts even more when I realise that somewhere I thought was safe was not at all.  That aside - minimising all the time is damaging to our kiddos too - they get the message that what they do is not ok and can learn to hide or stress out about being different.  I try to be honest and straightforward - if someone asks I'll respond, but I don't offer.  On the other hand, in "unsafe" places we keep quiet.  Our kids are frequently told that if you need to flap your lips about what you can do, you're probably just feeling insecure, and if you really are noteworthy at something people will notice that on their own without you needing to point it out.  DO your thing, DO it well, and leave the talk for the others. 

 

Family though.  Oy, family!  Sadly my mother is extremely prone to comparison and picking at kids.  As I am not, and therefore my children are not, the golden child / grandchildren, AND we choose to homeschool AND we don't let her look after them much, she is frequently at pains to ensure we know how amazingly well their cousin is doing, and also makes sure they know that they can't do things like that because they are not at school.  I tend to just nod and smile and say well done for the "amazing" accomplishments but we all are happy to point out to her that we can (and do) have those and other experiences as home schoolers.  Any weakness (real or imagined) in my kids is magnified and illuminated, and any in their cousin is minimised and justified. I try to keep the kids away as much as possible, which is sad, and I really wish they had a different relationship with her and, more so, with my dad, but it is not to be. 

 

There is one home ed mother whom I refer to as Insanely Competitive Mother (ICM).  Her facebook feed is full of all the amazing things her children do and how hard they are working and how incredible what they are achieving is, and her replies to other people are full of little snarks and jabs and undercurrents of "my kids do it better, but aren't you sweet for trying."  It cracks me up because what she says IRL does not match with what she says online, and the performance of the kids IRL does not match up to the claims, AND the claims are not what we're living either.  It's easiest just to nod and smile, and avoid having my kids in a group woth hers at anything IRL, lol!

[Runningmom80]

That's what's so weird, this person has little to no idea what he's been doing academically for the past 3 years we've been homeschooling. I don't talk about it unless I'm asked, and if I am, I keep it very succinct and to the point without commentary on ability or achievement.

 

This person is insecure, and we've had problems almost from the beginning in regards to her competitive nature, so the history is magnifying this, I'm sure.

[Donna]

This is something we deal with on several fronts, and as a consequence mostly keep any sharing to a limited number of safe places.  Although that means it hurts even more when I realise that somewhere I thought was safe was not at all.  

 

This.

 

I have dealt with this very recently. Not with family but a person I thought was a friend. It does hurt especially because there are so few "safe" outlets.

[MinivanMom]

Thank you for all of the thoughtful replies! I really appreciate the support.

 

I stopped talking about ds a long time ago, I never really did actually, because by the time I realized what I was dealing with, I was aware that I needed to check myself and any ego I could have at the door. We also have always had over exciteabilities, asynchronicity issues galore, etc, so those were always at the forefront of my mind. It's just that he started reading as a young toddler, and was easy to pick out as "gifted" pretty much since he started talking. Her child is also very bright, but she (the mother) hasn't yet realized (or doesn't care?) how the bragging comes across. I usually just ignore that, but recently there was a very pointed comment made along the lines of "my child does this better than yours did at that age." Exact words. I mean, what does one do with that kind of comment?

 

That is just about the ugliest thing I've every heard. I sure hope this wasn't said in front of your child! I think in this situation I would respond with the old Ms.Manners standby, "Why would you say something like that?" Then, unless their response was an immediate apology, I would probably say, "I think it's time for us to leave." Then leave immediately. There is no use arguing with a person that would make this sort of comment. In fact, anyone who makes a comment like this is so far off the emotional deep-end that it has nothing to do with you, and I doubt there is anything you could say to them that could correct their misperceptions. The loudest thing you can do is exit the scene gracefully and stay away from them for some time (or forever).

 

That's what's so weird, this person has little to no idea what he's been doing academically for the past 3 years we've been homeschooling. I don't talk about it unless I'm asked, and if I am, I keep it very succinct and to the point without commentary on ability or achievement.

 

This person is insecure, and we've had problems almost from the beginning in regards to her competitive nature, so the history is magnifying this, I'm sure.

 

Honestly, there is no way to win in this situation. If your sil has always been this way, then there is also probably nothing you can do to get her to change. I suggest:

 

-If she (or another relative) asks about how your son is doing, give a vaguely positive answer about his interests or efforts and then deflect to a different topic. So if someone asks what level ds is currently reading at, you say, "Ds is just starting to get interested in a few fantasy series. We have a great children's librarian who has been helping him find new titles. Did you know that the library is hosting a bake sale this weekend? They always sell these fabulous cupcakes. Etc, etc."

 

-Whatever you do, don't answer the question! You do not have to answer nosy questions regardless of who is asking. If she continues to push then you go back to the Ms.Manners response, "Why would you ask that?" Then change the subject.

[MinivanMom]

I do not tolerate people comparing my kids or putting them down in front of them. It's only happened a few times, but I was all over the situation. It's not acceptable from competitive-PTA mom and it's not acceptable from family. My kids need to know I have their back in that sort of situation. If, as is more common, it happens where my kids can't hear it, I do not care. I smile and pass the bean dip. I know that I probably don't want to send my kid to play unsupervised at that crazy momma's house, but the words my child does not hear cannot hurt my child.

 

Some thoughts on kids needing to hear positives from us:

 

I have always taken the position that I do not discuss my children's activities or interests with anyone besides my husband and sister. Period. I do not bring it up ever. I don't brag about them, I don't share their accomplishments, I don't do the fake-complaining thing, etc. On the other hand, I never discuss their negatives, the areas where they are struggling, or anything that could embarrass them with others. When people ask questions, I usually deflect. I do my best to be sure that my kids do not ever hear me discussing them in public. Even if my kids aren't present, I keep my mouth shut.

 

At home, however, it is a different story. I have never been an over-the-top, "Good job, buddy!"-type of mom. However, I do praise my kids' efforts profusely, and I occasionally give specific praise about the good things they are doing. If they accomplish something big or win an award, I am all over them with the praise. I make sure they know I am proud of them, and I make sure that they hear me talking up their accomplishment to their father. Depending on the magnitude of the accomplishment, we might go out to dinner to celebrate or something of that nature. They know that I'm proud of them and that I am in their corner.

[eternallytired]

Family though.  Oy, family!  Sadly my mother is extremely prone to comparison and picking at kids.  As I am not, and therefore my children are not, the golden child / grandchildren, AND we choose to homeschool AND we don't let her look after them much, she is frequently at pains to ensure we know how amazingly well their cousin is doing, and also makes sure they know that they can't do things like that because they are not at school.  I tend to just nod and smile and say well done for the "amazing" accomplishments but we all are happy to point out to her that we can (and do) have those and other experiences as home schoolers.  Any weakness (real or imagined) in my kids is magnified and illuminated, and any in their cousin is minimised and justified. I try to keep the kids away as much as possible, which is sad, and I really wish they had a different relationship with her and, more so, with my dad, but it is not to be. 

 

This!  While not a main reason we moved cross-country, it didn't hurt to avoid this.  I had to endure a soliloquy from MIL via phone the other day about how often she watches the other grandkids (we stopped asking her before YDS was born since it inevitably went really poorly even with two kids) and how EASY they are to watch--they are just so very ATTENTIVE to whatever is on the television!  At least over the phone the comparisons are directed at me and the kids don't hear; in person it was really awkward trying to be politic while also sticking up for my kids and our lifestyle choices.

 

[Tsuga]

I get much more satisfaction out of feeding their egos and completely ignoring anything I disapprove of in the behavior, than in trying to show them in any way whatsoever that they are being irrational, rude, or wrong.

 

"Isn't that AMAZING!"

 

"You must be so proud."

 

"Wow, I'm really happy for you!"

 

"That's great--I'd love to see a picture / read it."

 

Even:

 

"My child was talking much better at that age."

 

"That's great to hear."

 

Or:

 

"My kids were walking earlier than that."

 

"You must be so proud."

 

I mean what would you say if someone said, "Well, I'm definitely more fit than you are." or "But we make much more money than you do." You'd just say, "That's wonderful for you," or "How nice of you to say so" and then continue on. I mean when you get to that level of weirdness it really becomes more an issue of putting up with someone's weak character and lack of self-control, than it is of dealing with comparisons between kids.

 

What would you do if someone had a really grating voice but didn't know it? Or was a terrible cook but you had to see them once a week and eat at their place? Just be polite. It's really their issue, not yours. If your kids are getting a bad message, you can point out generically that Aunt So-and-So really needs to hear those words said aloud, and as family, you just need to put up with it, but of course it's not all true. It's just what she needs to hear, and as family we put up with one another.

 

I would not ask her to change her behavior. That gives her power and puts her in a vulnerable position where she's going to go on the defensive. I think it's better to feel secure in your own family and just roll your eyes at her put-downs. Don't give someone who acts like that power over what you feel. It's a recipe for disaster. Just let it go. 

 

Some people need their kids to be better than other people's kids because that's how they get self-worth. They don't need their behavior corrected, they need therapy, or a better job, or both. Requests to stop bragging are just going to feed that ego issue.

[Runningmom80]

I'm still reading along, I just need 10 minutes at a keyboard to thoughtfully respond. :)

[Runningmom80]

That is just about the ugliest thing I've every heard. I sure hope this wasn't said in front of your child! I think in this situation I would respond with the old Ms.Manners standby, "Why would you say something like that?" Then, unless their response was an immediate apology, I would probably say, "I think it's time for us to leave." Then leave immediately. There is no use arguing with a person that would make this sort of comment. In fact, anyone who makes a comment like this is so far off the emotional deep-end that it has nothing to do with you, and I doubt there is anything you could say to them that could correct their misperceptions. The loudest thing you can do is exit the scene gracefully and stay away from them for some time (or forever).

 

 

Honestly, there is no way to win in this situation. If your sil has always been this way, then there is also probably nothing you can do to get her to change. I suggest:

 

-If she (or another relative) asks about how your son is doing, give a vaguely positive answer about his interests or efforts and then deflect to a different topic. So if someone asks what level ds is currently reading at, you say, "Ds is just starting to get interested in a few fantasy series. We have a great children's librarian who has been helping him find new titles. Did you know that the library is hosting a bake sale this weekend? They always sell these fabulous cupcakes. Etc, etc."

 

-Whatever you do, don't answer the question! You do not have to answer nosy questions regardless of who is asking. If she continues to push then you go back to the Ms.Manners response, "Why would you ask that?" Then change the subject.

 

 

It was said among a group of women, DS was not around, thank goodness. I will definitely continue to not really share with her, I'm used to it at this point.

[Runningmom80]

I get much more satisfaction out of feeding their egos and completely ignoring anything I disapprove of in the behavior, than in trying to show them in any way whatsoever that they are being irrational, rude, or wrong.

 

"Isn't that AMAZING!"

 

"You must be so proud."

 

"Wow, I'm really happy for you!"

 

"That's great--I'd love to see a picture / read it."

 

Even:

 

"My child was talking much better at that age."

 

"That's great to hear."

 

Or:

 

"My kids were walking earlier than that."

 

"You must be so proud."

 

I mean what would you say if someone said, "Well, I'm definitely more fit than you are." or "But we make much more money than you do." You'd just say, "That's wonderful for you," or "How nice of you to say so" and then continue on. I mean when you get to that level of weirdness it really becomes more an issue of putting up with someone's weak character and lack of self-control, than it is of dealing with comparisons between kids.

 

This is true, and in those cases, I definitely would try not to take it personally. 

 

What would you do if someone had a really grating voice but didn't know it? Or was a terrible cook but you had to see them once a week and eat at their place? Just be polite. It's really their issue, not yours. If your kids are getting a bad message, you can point out generically that Aunt So-and-So really needs to hear those words said aloud, and as family, you just need to put up with it, but of course it's not all true. It's just what she needs to hear, and as family we put up with one another.

 

See, I feel like these are not comparable.  Someone who has a grating voice can't help it.  A bad cook, I would assume they weren't *trying* to give me bad food.  This comment was a deliberate comment to cut down my kid.  That's where I'm having the trouble.

 

I would not ask her to change her behavior. That gives her power and puts her in a vulnerable position where she's going to go on the defensive. I think it's better to feel secure in your own family and just roll your eyes at her put-downs. Don't give someone who acts like that power over what you feel. It's a recipe for disaster. Just let it go. 

 

This is a really good point, and I agree.

 

Some people need their kids to be better than other people's kids because that's how they get self-worth. They don't need their behavior corrected, they need therapy, or a better job, or both. Requests to stop bragging are just going to feed that ego issue.

Again, true.

 

[Arcadia]

It was said among a group of women, DS was not around, thank goodness. I will definitely continue to not really share with her, I'm used to it at this point.

Kind of funny. Today on the way home I was telling my hubby that I am bewildered that a mutual lady friend doesn't respond to a simple text message like "Happy new year! How are you?" from me so my hubby send her the same message and she answered.

Our kids used to play together and I used to watch over her child while she make a run to her apartment's laundromat.

My hubby's guess is that I seems like a very put together mom so she felt threatened. I have never shared about my kids achievements. I guess some people compete on what they perceived regardless of what we don't say.

[MinivanMom]

*snip*

 

I mean what would you say if someone said, "Well, I'm definitely more fit than you are." or "But we make much more money than you do." You'd just say, "That's wonderful for you," or "How nice of you to say so" and then continue on. I mean when you get to that level of weirdness it really becomes more an issue of putting up with someone's weak character and lack of self-control, than it is of dealing with comparisons between kids.

 

What would you do if someone had a really grating voice but didn't know it? Or was a terrible cook but you had to see them once a week and eat at their place? Just be polite. It's really their issue, not yours. If your kids are getting a bad message, you can point out generically that Aunt So-and-So really needs to hear those words said aloud, and as family, you just need to put up with it, but of course it's not all true. It's just what she needs to hear, and as family we put up with one another.

 

I would not ask her to change her behavior. That gives her power and puts her in a vulnerable position where she's going to go on the defensive. I think it's better to feel secure in your own family and just roll your eyes at her put-downs. Don't give someone who acts like that power over what you feel. It's a recipe for disaster. Just let it go. 

 

Some people need their kids to be better than other people's kids because that's how they get self-worth. They don't need their behavior corrected, they need therapy, or a better job, or both. Requests to stop bragging are just going to feed that ego issue.

 

I completely get what you're saying about not wanting to give the offender "power", but I don't think your examples are comparable. I think a better analogy would be: what if I was a wonderful cook and at every family potluck the sil went out of her way to criticize the dish I brought. I can ignore her, I can choose to not take it personally, and I can know that it's not really about me, but at some point it just starts to grate . . . and eventually I don't want to come to the family potluck anymore. So at that point it does become preferable to either avoid the potluck, convince everyone that we should cater the gathering instead, or have dh cook our family's dish. None of these choices give the sil "power", but all of them save me the irritation of hearing my dish criticized every.single.week.

 

If the comments are directly to me (out of the child's earshot), then I'm going to smile and let it go. If the comments are from a random cashier at the supermarket, then I would let it go, though I would probably talk to my child about it afterward. I think with an older child, maybe as young as 4th or 5th depending on the kid's personality, you could prep him beforehand for a duty visit, "Well, great-aunt Edna is older and sometimes very critical. Don't take it personally; she treats everyone that way." Then you can talk about whatever crazy thing she said afterward, laugh about it, and be glad you don't have to see her for another year.

 

But it's a different scenario when it's a young kid (7?) and an aunt that he has to see on a regular basis. I don't think there are many young children who have the emotional maturity to understand that it's not really about them or to just laugh it off afterwards. The situation is compounded when the comments come from a (presumably) loved family member that the child has to see on a frequent basis. I do think that something has to be done to protect a child in that situation, and I don't think that's giving the sil "power". Bullies and abusers thrive on the desire of everyone else to be polite and do everything possible to avoid a confrontation. You would be giving the sil "power" by standing there silently while she puts down your child . . . and what message does that send to the child?! I think this is a situation where your child needs to see you stand up for them or you need to limit his contact with the abusive relative. Yes, be in your child's corner by setting boundaries on the sil's behavior.

[Tsuga]

 

Trouble quoting on my phone.

 

Re: Character issues being different from physical issues: For all practical purposes, to me they are the same. I just function much better if I operate on the assumption that we are all doing our best except me and my kids. We can improve.

 

But if I start holding my breath waiting for others to improve because their brand of character flaw I will die of asphyxiation.

 

That said, if the kid is there and she says it to HIM, then I would have no problem stating the Relevant facts if the statements were misleading or untrue.

 

I would also let my child know what I think of a bragging character.

 

I just don't see a solution in which the obviously insecure braggart will give it up for the parent of a gifted kid. I might be underestimating them though.

[Runningmom80]

This is one of the scenarios we have. The next step after verbal criticism is to reject your dish. It will not be touched, even if they asked you to bring it. If they do ask you to bring something, it will be something expensive. It will be thrown away at the end of the event, while any other leftovers will be packaged and distributed, reminding the taker of how generous and what a good cook the competitive one is.

 

What we do is eat before we go, if we go. Sugar and fat arent high in our diet, so no biggie.

 

This is just ridiculous! What is up with people?

[Runningmom80]

It is a competitive strategy. You may not win if you let others enter the race. So you use every strategy available to keep your crown.

 

Blech.

[daijobu]

I get much more satisfaction out of feeding their egos and completely ignoring anything I disapprove of in the behavior, than in trying to show them in any way whatsoever that they are being irrational, rude, or wrong.

 

"Isn't that AMAZING!"

 

"You must be so proud."

 

"Wow, I'm really happy for you!"

 

 

I like to brag.  You know what shuts me up?  This.

 

I had an acquaintance who would, when I opened my big mouth, showered me with these sorts of compliments.  Pretty over-the-top, but not enough to appear insincere.  Relentlessly the focus was on me and my kids and how perfectly awesome we all were.  

 

It was embarrassing, and all I wanted to do was get the focus off of me.  

 

My advice is similar to Tsuga's.  Keep the focus on their kids and how perfectly WONDERFUL they are.  Compliment the parents relentlessly.  Be proactive and ask about her kids' new accomplishments before anyone has an opportunity to dish about your kids.  

[ladyinthegarden]

A few weeks ago my SIL made sure to brag about her daughter getting into college early. She told me she already had a scholarship. She was being extremely snarky about it. After asking my niece a few questions I soon realized she was actually doing duel enrollment her last few years of high school. I hugged my niece and told her I was very proud of her. We bought her first musical instrument a few years earlier and now she is winning band competitions. We are never invited to her band events. Her parents like to gamble, and do whatever else goes along with that lifestyle. They gamble, smoke, and drink but she goes to church. She acts uppity because we don't attend church. I don't gamble, smoke, or drink. Anyway I sat there and let her go on and on bragging. Then I turned to my MIL and said your grandson just blew the top off of his last assessment test and scored up to college level in most subjects. Crickets chirping, complete silence. The MIL was happy. I feel bad for my husband though it finally hit home with him how little she cares about us. We are a bank when they can't pay a water bill.

[Tsuga]

Ladyinthegarden who drew your avatar? It's really cool!

[mom2]

This is what I did, but they were a close friends of ours.  I made a rule that we won't talk about our kids education anymore because it just brings hurtful things to one another.  So far it has been working out great.  Sometimes she will slip, but I quickly change the subject.  Our friend will try to bring it up and I will have to remind her that we are not going to talk about our kids education jokingly.  I hope this helps.