nmoira Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I have no advice, just :grouphug: I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Agreed. In fact, if anything, you can let so and so know that you don't believe it's healthy for your daughter to be around people who think her mother is a golddigging wh.re. How old is your dd and how does she feel about this? She is 16 and has no interest in any relationship due to his behaviour in the past and the present. She got into Smith and Bryn Mawr having worked her heart out to achieve academic excellence, his response,"You will become a lesbian, who wants to go to school with lesbians." Lovely. Supportive...yuck. but he is her uncle so I tried to make light of it and said he was being silly. I tried to minimize his foul remarks. You see we have dealt with death and dying many times in my family. She has helped feed a dear family friend her final meal. And knows how to sing a body into peaceful rest . They are not that way. Never a card, a flower arrangement certainly no food or a call to offer to help in some way. That is not the way I function. I am a roll the sleeves up, clean the bedding, sing to the dying and the family can count on me to do the really, really hard things. I have done hair, helped dress and prepare the dead for friends and it is a last service for them. I take this very seriously and have had much experience with all sorts of loss. I really only care about protecting my daughter from the poison that surrounds my dh family. Ever seen Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?? Big Daddy with a mean old heart. Truly I cannot adequately tell you in words who he is . Think power, money, cruelty and venom. And I am his target this time. I have decided to give it no more thought or energy let God deal with it because I cannot. I refuse to continue to bask in the toxic stew that is my dh family of origin nor will I ever subject my child to it. Done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I have decided to give it no more thought or energy let God deal with it because I cannot. I refuse to continue to bask in the toxic stew that is my dh family of origin nor will I ever subject my child to it. Done. Right on. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I understand. I had to separate myself from my mother's messed up family. Money, who is who, secrets, and meaness. They can all have fun fighting over it when the crone is dead...I'd rather have a peaceable life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Wasn't trying to grill...auto correct due to phone swyping. Mommaduck, I have known you for ages here!! Not grilling at all you are trying to get facts and ideas straight to help me if you can. I would never misconstrue your efforts to shine some light on a dark situation. I consider you an old friend at this point. And many of the ladies here have been so kind and helpful it is just a huge blessing today. You have no idea how hurt and sad and icky I felt and thank you for giving me a safe place to bare my soul and learn something from others who have had some difficulties in their families. I am beyond touched by the kindness and thoughtfullness. Much to consider and thank you. elizabeth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I think you could have legitimately washed your hands of these people ages ago -- and I wouldn't blame you for doing it now. Not at all! You are not obligated to remain in relationship with people who are cruel to you. ...but... I know you love your husband very much. I wonder if some tact and choosing your moment very carefully might make this situation less harsh for him? Could you maybe withdraw from them seemingly naturally (being busy, missing calls) for a little while, before letting everything hit the fan? I don't want you to feelnpresdured though. I know you have been truly abused in these relationships -- that your hurt is real, and that it matters very much. You might just need to do it the way you need to do it -- and get it over and done. On the other hand, you might be a gracious, strong lady -- with a sense of refinement and dignity. You might have a little more strength in you, for your husband's sake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 This Elizabeth supports the choices elizabeth has made : D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Even so, my dh and I approach situations differently. To visit a dying person is a totally different ball of wax than visiting someone who is just ill. I would not send my child in there to cheer someone without them being able to talk to me, be with me during the visit so I could assess THEIR comfort. Death is not an easy subject for adults. Before my neighbor died they wanted people, anyone, to come and sit with her. I had hesitations myself, in the end I was sick so I couldn't, but I would not have sent my child into that atmosphere without some guidance from me. Dh is great, caring, and compassionate, he just may not be attune to how my ds would need to approach a situation. All that is said with a person who is accepting of me and my family. If only 2/3rd of my family was "acceptable" in their eyes, the whole dynamic changes. i understand. I have a dying person in my home right now. I was addressing the bigger picture. I have travelled half way around the world to be rejected by my dh's (at the time, remarried now) family because I was not of his family's "religious" background. (Religion is not the right word, but I lack another more appropriate one.) After more than half a century on this earth, and witnessing more than one cycle of life and death, I have learned this: if someone's actions don't make sense, the first thing to do is to ask, not tell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 (((eliazbeth))) I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 This Elizabeth supports the choices elizabeth has made : D So does this Catwoman. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Sorry that you have to go through this. You are a much nicer person than I am. I will not let him set a foot in my house let alone cooking for him. The comment he made to your daughter, right there i will ask him to get the f#%k out of my house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Elizabeth, I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I SO know. I know. My MIL of 17 years sat at my kitchen table a few months ago and over breakfast told me to my face I married Dh for his money (he had none) and that I kept getting pregnant to keep him (because he had nothing to do with the begetting?). This, after she stays at my house for weeks at a time, year after year, and I cook for her and wait on her hand and foot. I tell her that I love her all the time, and actually MEAN it, and had her tell me how important and how meaningful me saying that is to her. It sucks that you have to be the bigger person. It sucks and it hurts so incredibly. One more :grouphug: because I so know and have cried over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Elizabeth, I have extended family like this. You are reminding me so much of my Mom and the pain she endured while trying to just be decent to indecent people. I watched her have to "let them die mean," as she put it, and it was hard. I wish I had soft words and real, tremendous comfort but all I can offer is the truth that I believe what you've said and I know what it looks like, and it's wrong. It will always be wrong. I hope you will find the peace you need for yourself and your daughter, and I hope your marriage and home will also be at peace soon. Real peace and mutual respect, and not just a decision to subjugate yourself. Thanks for your example of cooking for BIL's family anyway, even though they ran true to form. Offering a meal to a family in that situation could only ever be an act of kindness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I SO know. I know. My MIL of 17 years sat at my kitchen table a few months ago and over breakfast told me to my face I married Dh for his money (he had none) and that I kept getting pregnant to keep him (because he had nothing to do with the begetting?). This, after she stays at my house for weeks at a time, year after year, and I cook for her and wait on her hand and foot. I tell her that I love her all the time, and actually MEAN it, and had her tell me how important and how meaningful me saying that is to her. It sucks that you have to be the bigger person. It sucks and it hurts so incredibly. One more :grouphug: because I so know and have cried over it. I am so sorry to read that this is not at all uncommon. I cannot believe the grandmother of your children said such a horrific thing to you. Truly awful and inappropriate. So very, very wrong. And for what gain to say such things?? :sad: Again, someone I see as an old friend and i know how kind you are, this is just sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Elizabeth, I have extended family like this. You are reminding me so much of my Mom and the pain she endured while trying to just be decent to indecent people. I watched her have to "let them die mean," as she put it, and it was hard. I wish I had soft words and real, tremendous comfort but all I can offer is the truth that I believe what you've said and I know what it looks like, and it's wrong. It will always be wrong. I hope you will find the peace you need for yourself and your daughter, and I hope your marriage and home will also be at peace soon. Real peace and mutual respect, and not just a decision to subjugate yourself. Thanks for your example of cooking for BIL's family anyway, even though they ran true to form. Offering a meal to a family in that situation could only ever be an act of kindness. Thank you . This month has been horrible, I will not subjugate myself and deeply appreciate your kind words and support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I don't know if you are Christian or not, but in the Bible it talks about a situation where what one certain person meant for evil, God meant for good. While your bil may have abused your kindness and generosity over the years by taking full advantage of your hospitality while harboring ill thoughts against you, your actions may have actually been a much more important and bigger help to your dh - helping him to have the opportunity to deal with some issues with his db that he really needed to resolve in order to be at peace with himself. You may have thought you were helping bil, when in actuality you were helping your own dh. It worries me that in the op you said that you felt dirty and shameful. And you have mentioned the wh**e slur a few times. Let that poison go. There are certain words and phrases that say volumes about the speaker and nothing about the person about whom or to whom they are spoken. Imagine those ugly-toad-words being buried right along with the coffin. Nothing to do with you so let them go. As messed up as this family sounds, it seems like not being welcomed to be there at this time is a major blessing in disguise. Same with the funeral - if they are like this now, I can't imagine how much worse they will get with the added emotions of a death to process. Great day to go do something nice for someone who can appreciate a little help. Donate a few hours at a local food pantry or shelter in memory of the deceased. You don't have to specify that you are working to erase the memory! Let all this nastiness go. I would even consider doing a major physical and spiritual cleansing after the bil has passed. Air out your physical house, clean your body, and refresh your spirit so that you can move into the rest of your life with a happy heart and brighter outlook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Spiritual and physical cleansing are a large part of my life. I appreciate your wisdom and guidance. I am not what most would likely recognize as Christian but I certainly am a firm believer in returning evil with good when possible. It is no longer possible for me to do that without loathing myself. I need to disconnect from them without regret. I can do that now. I have done everything possible to try to remedy the situation and it is beyond me. So be it. I apprecite your constructive counsel and will take it to heart. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 The first post was about a meal. A meal is not something to cause a huge stir over when someone is dying. If the reason for the rejection is something completely different, then my response would be different. Change the facts, change the outcome. In either event, I probably wouldn't have tried to send over a meal. FWIW, I totally and completely did not get what the "read between the lines" thing meant. I believe each and every human being was created in the image of GOD! It honestly would never have occured to me to divide family members by pigment. In our family people tend to favor "blood" relatives over others (because the others keep leaving via divorce :( ) OP, I'm sorry I did not get the real issue you are dealing with and I'm sorry you are letting the ignorant thoughts of this person hurt you. I imagine what you are feeling is a sucker punch after thinking he had changed his spots and finding out he hadn't after all these years. But these ugly words you've expressed about how it's making you feel- stop them. That may be what he thinks, but it is not the TRUTH. I know we cannot control our feelings, but please try to find words of strength to encourage yourself. You are wonderfully and fearfully made. To recap- If I thought someone didn't like me and didn't want me around, I wouldn't send them food. If that someone pretended to like me and pretended to want the food then rejected it, I'd feel very suckered and upset. If I found out before I sent the food that the person was pretending, I'd probably make the offer but not do the cooking until after confirmation. And if I found out my IL's had been faking it for years and really didn't like me, I'd wash my hands of them. If the objection to me had to do with race then yes, I would not send my child into that situation. :grouphug: But again, not everyone sees you the way this man appears to. I don't really look at the avatars and haven't checked yours, so I don't know what you look like. To me you are just someone who really wanted to do something and it didn't work out the way you planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinmami01 Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I would forbid your DD to have any contact whatsoever with any of your DH's family until he will act like a man, a real husband, by your side, standing up for you and with you. Yes, even during this difficult time for his family. If your husband is unwilling to do this, to stand by his own wife, I would inform him that he gets one month to mourn his brother after he passes, and then there needs to be a serious effort shown in marriage counseling. The BIL is who he is. But if a husband allows his family to treat his wife this way, his wife should hold him accountable. I think this is a delicate situation, already complicated enough. To forbid the daughter to be around the other side of the family is crazy, based on the BIL. I think it's unfair to put a time on mourning for one's sibling. Just my two cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Frankly, many here have seen through my post and read what I did not disclose.They are correct in their assessment but the subject is forbidden here per the rules. However regarding the inlaws, if a man calls a woman a whore, any woman, you do not want your daughter around him. You hate me, you hate half of my daughter and have no respect for my marriage. These are toxic people and I refuse to bathe her in poisonous relationships that are not only negative but also train her to accept indecent conduct and speech. That is a recipe for disaster in her life as a young woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinmami01 Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Frankly, many here have seen through my post and read what I did not disclose.They are correct in their assessment but the subject is forbidden here per the rules. However regarding the inlaws, if a man calls a woman a whore, any woman, you do not want your daughter around him. You hate me, you hate half of my daughter and have no respect for my marriage. These are toxic people and I refuse to bathe her in poisonous relationships that are not only negative but also train her to accept indecent conduct and speech. That is a recipe for disaster in her life as a young woman. You are absolutely right. I can't imagine how difficult that is. My above comment was based on the assumption that the disrespect was coming from just that one person. ((HUGS)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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