Help! I can't get my 9th grader to focus on anything!

[Cheryl in NM]

He says he has too many chores to get his schoolwork done so I cut down on his chores. He says he needs downtime, that's reasonable so I reschedule a lighter load. He says he works better independently so I let him work independently as much as possible. I've gone over how to plan out long range assignments.

 

Today in 3 hours he has read 4 pages and done nothing else. Am I really going to have to sit with him for every minute of his schoolwork? How will he learn to work independently if I do that?

 

He argues when I give him advice to help he out. I'm at my wits end!

[Grace is Sufficient]

Our experience suggests this approach: As long as he is not feeling overwhelmed by the independence and you are reasonably confident that the workload is within his ability, make a rule that none of the discretionary things happen until the school work is done. For my daughter, that was usually having her cousins over, for a lot of kids, it's computer time, involvement in a sport or extra-curricular activity.

 

It needs to be activities that you will allow him to miss, so that it's not an empty threat, but then just let him know that until the work is done, the activity doesn't happen. Then let him experience the consequences of his choices.

 

HTH

Debbie

[Cheryl in NM]

Our experience suggests this approach: As long as he is not feeling overwhelmed by the independence and you are reasonably confident that the workload is within his ability, make a rule that none of the discretionary things happen until the school work is done. For my daughter, that was usually having her cousins over, for a lot of kids, it's computer time, involvement in a sport or extra-curricular activity.

 

It needs to be activities that you will allow him to miss, so that it's not an empty threat, but then just let him know that until the work is done, the activity doesn't happen. Then let him experience the consequences of his choices.

 

HTH

Debbie

 

That is already the rule. So his time wasters are: 2-3 hours in the bathroom per day, getting a drink of water, instigating a conversation that begins about school work, petting the dog, "thinking" he's done, etc.

 

I cut the conversations as soon as they go off topic, tell him to leave the dog alone and get to work, tell him to get out of the bathroom and get to work. He says he has to lock himself in the bathroom to get any alone time since he doesn't have a lock on his door.

 

he has missed play dates, youth group, currently is not involved in martials arts for the 1st time in 9 years. His life consists of schoolwork, fighting with me and wandering around wasting time.

 

I just don't know what to do!

[JennW in SoCal]

14yo boys can make your head really hurt, like you literally have been banging your head against the wall! I know your pain!

 

Two quick tips that worked here. They both may seem so obvious that I shouldn't write them out, but this is what got us through the last several years.

 

1. A daily checklist of work to do. Forget having him plan out a long range project, just for now. Break everything down into what needs to be done each and every day.

 

2. A set time that is for school. Now many families here have school going for the bulk of the day. I opted for about 4 very focused hours as we'd be out most every afternoon for internships and school related activities. Between being on the clock, from say noon to 4pm, and having a check list, even my very ADHD boy could keep his focus.

 

I did math with each of them, set aside time each week for discussions, and would check in with them throughout school time and say "How's it going?" or "Did you like that chapter?" or something innocent that let me check up on them without too much eye rolling on their part.

 

..................

 

I just read your response to Grace. I had to lock the dog in another part of the house when my ADHD kid was doing work!! I didn't sit with him too much, but I did keep a much closer eye on him than his brother. I also put him in the most boring room of the house (the dining room) moved the table against the wall so that white wall was the only thing in his line of sight. Every time he was up I would redirect him back to his work -- after he had had a chance to move about. He is a kid that does need to move in order to think. I had his laptop on a counter so that he would stand while he wrote, then would pace the house and come back to writing the next few sentences. He also sat on an exercise ball he used as a seat for years and he finally wound up with a wheeled, spinning desk chair.

 

There must be a way to discuss this with him without you having to be the nagging task master. Ask him what he thinks the problem is, ask him if he has any ideas how to get through the necessary school work. You've already made concessions, now he needs to help figure out the next steps. He clearly is aware of consequences, but he may really be struggling with focus -- maybe he is ADHD. Perhaps helping him set up a distraction free work zone, having him do one subject then get a 10 minute break, or having munchies or something to fiddle with while working.

 

The challenge is having that conversation in a conversational tone. He may get that defensive teen tone of voice, but if you stay calm, tell him honestly how frustrating it is for you, that it sometimes feels like he is being purposefully defiant, the conversation can turn out well. You'll likely have to revisit this for the next 4 years, or just maybe his brain will come back after he finishes his growth spurt. (My younger ds grew 6 inches in one year -- he mostly ate and slept and put his higher brain functions on pause.)

 

So much for my quick reply. I just feel for you and am throwing all this out there in case something is helpful!!

[distancia]

Good luck. I am there with my teen daughter, too.

 

Here is what we have done: allowed D to sit at a computer (or her netbook, or her iPod) and listen to music while she does her work. If the work stops, so, too, does the music. It seems she works much better with the music. Also, like JennW mentioned, we allow D to move a lot. She can go from kitchen to family room to dining room, to patio and backyard. All are open areas within plain sight, and she knows I am watching her.

 

Unfortunately we have also had to put D on low-dose ADD meds, starting today. We were tired of her self-medicating with stimulants (coffee, Sudafed, diet Coke). Her focus is now much improved. Today she completed TWELVE workbook pages of math with only 2 errors. Last Friday (no meds) she did 3 pages of her math workbook and was at a 40% error rate.

Edited October 18, 2010 by distancia

[Cheryl in NM]

Thank you to everyone!

 

 

Grace: I thought more about your response. Ds is overwhelmed by the amount of work he has to do this year. Maybe it's not the best time to allow the amount of independence I've allowed.

 

JenW: I've used the checklist and set time for school before. It worked well and so I thought the natural progression would be more independence. I think I need to revisit my progression. What I hear now is "No, you are not going to help me. I'm weak if I need help. I don't like that you sit so close and your breath stinks (or smells like mints, coffee, etc)" I just sent him for his 2nd 1/2 mile run. He said he'd rather pass out than do his algebra. You are right about the headache! All I want to do is cry too. He's my only and sometimes that makes it more difficult.

 

kimanjo: what type of schoolwork is your dh doing that she can listen to music? Ds is usually either reading or working algebra or computer programming problems. We've found music to be a distraction in the past, but I know it works great for some kids.

[ma23peas]

He argues when I give him advice to help he out. I'm at my wits end!

 

 

Well, at first I was going to double check to make sure you did not have my son in your house! Ah, no, but you have one of your own, we are lucky! :)

 

First, no arguing...when my son has attempted to say things like "I don't have to do that part right now, I can do it Monday...or she doesn't expect us to do xyz (referring to his science teacher, who I know DOES expect xyz)"...I give him that mommy look, and have a short concise dialogue on respectful talk and what is tolerated...when HE brings home 95 averages on his own without my prodding/staying on his back/double checking his work, THEN he can share his opinion...but he has to earn it and talking back or mumbling/grunting is not a sign of good character...we keep a high standard..now we don't go nuts on every transgression but enough that it is not common around here and he'll even stop himself before he's about to utter a grievance. Now my son CAN and does earn 95's and up..but if left to his own control..would be l'aissez faire about C's.

 

Today I had to take 11 year old for physical for a campout..and sit with our neighbor at the hospital to give her husband a break...it would take 3 hours to do that...I gave him 2 hours worth of work to complete, I get home and he's done 10%...read 20 pages out of 59 and completed one problem out of 11....he did not do his Rosetta or his Algebra...he said he played with the kittens outside and in his room...NICE...

 

The way we handle it is to never leave him alone, if I go to the doctor he goes and does his work in the car..he can wait in the hospital and read his Chemistry lab...we make him GO EVERYWHERE with us (even the girl's dance classes) until he earns the right to stay home and be responsible enough to do his work..he had earned it but after today, we're back to 2 weeks with momma.

 

The best way I have found to have him complete his work during the week while I'm home (95% of the time) is to have a daily checklist...I do not check it daily, just too hard, but he has a folder that he has to check off and put his assignments per subject folder in...I check it on Friday, if he has not completed ANY of the assignments...only did 12 boxes on Rosetta instead of 16, he can not play video games or watch TV the entire weekend. He loves one video game that he plays with friends he met on a cruise this Spring, they live all over the country and he has cousins here in the states that he plays with, so he loves that time...the most industrious student on this continent can be found at my house from 12:00-5:00 (5:00 is the deadline) on Friday...that kid can knock out 3 Algebra lessons, 2 essays, and a Chemistry exam in one afternoon! :)

 

I do give breaks, every 9th week of school we take a WEEK off, he can veg and do whatever...and he DOES!! It gives me a chance to regroup and catch up on any grading/planning I need to do..

 

HTH!

Tara

[FloridaLisa]

He says he has too many chores to get his schoolwork done so I cut down on his chores. He says he needs downtime, that's reasonable so I reschedule a lighter load. He says he works better independently so I let him work independently as much as possible. I've gone over how to plan out long range assignments.

 

Welcome to life with a 14 yo boy. This too shall pass. Just keep in mind that his hormones are raging, he is probably growing leaps and bounds and, just as we get pregnancy brain, I swear the hormones do a similar job on 14 yo boys! They typically have no vision for their future, so don't really care enough that what they do today will have an impact on future choices. Many have no intuitive organizational skills.

 

I really think calling Dad in at this point is crucial. Especially if he is arguing with you about reasonable 9th grade work. I used to say, "Look. You may be 6' and not want to listen to me. That's fine. I'll call in your 6' 3" Dad." Men know how to deal with it in a no-sense way. It's also much easier to allow Dad to enforce the consequences, so that you can encourage him on as much as possible. He's becoming a young man, and having another strong man in his life to set reasonable expectations in his life and enforce them is huge.

 

Practically, we tried to have ds in physical activity of some kind. Sports is great. They can spend all of that extra testosterone on the field and have the influence of yet another older male. I actually think serious chores help here. Perhaps it's just become another exuse in your home; only you can judge that. We also found a bit by accident that when ds was busier, he did better in school. There is a balance. But having an afternoon sports practice or job to get to is great incentive to finish the work.

 

Also, I began outsourcing more of ds' schoolwork in 10th grade. He thrived. he loved the competetion provided in a class of kids, he had some excellent teachers and, best of all for mr, there was outside accountability.

 

The Pearls* have a great article called Little Roosters that gives some good insight into this period in a young man's life.

 

Hang in there! Like anything else with our kids, they may push against our boundaries, but we need to keep them nonetheless. I think if you persevere through this time (and there may be tears and disappointment; I certainly had my share), keeping holding your standard, I think you'll report great gains in two years. For one of my dc, it was two steps up, one back, but he did make it. And when he did, he made it very well.

 

HTH,

Lisa

 

*I'm aware that the Pearls are not well received on this board. Some of their advice for raising young kids is questionable, but the Little Roosters has some good nuggets of insight.

Edited October 18, 2010 by FloridaLisa

[Mommyfaithe]

His life consists of schoolwork, fighting with me and wandering around wasting time.

 

I just don't know what to do!

 

This sounds like a sentence to hard labor to me....

 

People who do not finish their education are sentencing themselves to manual, hard labor. Kids might as well know what seeds they are sowing...

 

My sons were sentenced to split cords of wood...stack wood...move the wood pile. shovel drainage ditches, work with dh sucking the soot out of boilers in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, if he had a service call, scrub toilets, turn and plant the garden....whatever back breaking, difficult work I could find for them to do.

 

Their education is so important. Laziness, rebellion or teenage angst is not an excuse for NOT learning. You work very hard to provide your son opportunities for a good education and a chance to succed in life. He needs to see what happens when you do not have those advantages, yet still have to support yourself (because you will not be supporting him 4 short years from now) and support a family.

 

My boys like physical labor and it has made them strong, but they also understand the toll it takes on us, his parents , who HAVE to work hard because we did not have the same educational advantages OR parents who gave a flip what we did.

 

My kids understand they have to work. School is their job. If they will not set their mind to work, i expect them to set their body to work. There is no other choices for them.

 

My sons do prefer their math books to the toilet brush.

 

Good Luck...and maybe you can get Dad to put together a list of jobs that need to be done around the house or grounds that he hasn't had time for because he is busy supporting his kids....and no backsies. Once I assign the job, it is thiers...and if they complain...I find another job.

[Night Elf]

Did he transition to independent work in one fell swoop? He may need more of a transition. I'd have him tell me what assignment he is about to work on, and to bring it to me in a certain time frame. It might keep him on track. Then if he doesn't complete the assignment in the allotted time, I'd tell him it's time to go back to sitting side-by-side. This is a skill I've been working on with my ds14. At the beginning of the school year, I was sitting with him for every minute of his work. Now, I can get up when he's doing some things. For some kids, learning to work independently is a skill that must be learned and practiced.

[stephanier.1765]

I swear you have my son too. Let me tell you that knowing that is already helping me a lot. I am constantly having to redirect him. It's as if we are doing Kindergarten all over again.

[distancia]

kimanjo: what type of schoolwork is your dh doing that she can listen to music? Ds is usually either reading or working algebra or computer programming problems. We've found music to be a distraction in the past, but I know it works great for some kids.

 

My D does her Marine Bio, Spanish, and English classes while listening to music. She wears headphones plugged into her music source.

 

She is a very distractible girl--she even complains about people breathing too loudly. So when she is doing her math (no music) she wears earphones to block out all sounds.

 

It's tough.

Edited October 19, 2010 by distancia

[regentrude]

kimanjo: what type of schoolwork is your dh doing that she can listen to music? Ds is usually either reading or working algebra or computer programming problems. We've found music to be a distraction in the past, but I know it works great for some kids.

 

I did all my school work with music, math and essay writing and everything. I noticed that only lately, in my 40s, it has been harder for me to concentrate while music is playing - as a teenager and college student it was no problem and helped me focus.

[Julie in MN]

I'd suggest working alongside of him for a while. I think maybe similar to what Night Elf was saying. Working together accomplishes two things:

 

(1) You model for him how to attack his tasks and how to deal with questions. You show him how to alternate hard work with short breaks, and how to look at the time every so often. You teach him how to look at the tasks he's accomplished and what he has left in his day.

 

(2) Working with him also shows you exactly where he is going off track. His issues may stem from many surprising things that you won't see until you're there alongside of him. This week, I had to show my 9th grader that if a math lesson is about linear angles, then most of the answers will be about linear angles - how could a 9th grader who is good at math not know this? :confused:

 

 

And just a few other things -

- I'm a big proponent of school hours, like Jenn mentioned.

- I try to include spurts of physical activity between subjects, which seems especially important to a boy's brain, even if it's just moving to a different room or doing a few chin-ups on the way to get a book.

- Whenever possible, I have my son do things with his father or other adult males we know, and sub that out for other things that were on the agenda, such as a science experiment or chapter reading. I just think that being analyzed all day, every day by a mother, or working by himself all the time, isn't as beneficial as learning time spent with a male role model, when possible.

 

Julie

[Rebecca VA]

I certainly have my share of problems with my 13-year-old 8th grader. Here are things that are working for us:

 

1. She knits incessantly while she's watching her online classes. Knitting calms something in her brain, apparently, and keeps her still and focused. She has almost finished a toddler sweater since last week -- that's how much knitting she is doing. And truly, online classes are the most helpful things ever. She can't argue with an assignment that someone else makes. The online teacher doesn't have to know that she is sitting with her feet up on the computer desk, knitting.

 

2. She does lots and lots of ballet -- at least a couple of hours a day, and often more. She takes Pilates with a trainer. She looks frail and delicate, but she craves physical exercise and just can't focus without it.

 

3. She listens to books on tape a lot. She can't seem to focus when she reads books by herself. If an audiobook isn't available for an assignment, I read aloud with her.

 

Sorry I couldn't offer more boy-oriented advice!

 

P.S. -- I just remembered something. She was complaining a lot about how her public-schooled peers have easy lives and little homework. I told her they're also stuck in school for at least seven hours a day. I've imposed a seven-hour school day here at our house. This has helped so much, because she was trying to get away with a four or so hour school day. Now she's gotten her wish (to have a similar schedule to the public schoolers, with no homework).

Edited October 19, 2010 by Rebecca VA

[hsbeth]

My 9th grader took a huge step backwards this year as far as independence. Last year she pretty much worked almost entirely independently and this year I spend several hours each day keeping tabs on her.

 

In our case it's a two part problem. Her work load and our expectations of her really have jumped up. She has two very tough online classes that are really stretching her. In other subjects we have transitioned into true high school level work. I take a bit of the blame b/c in retrospect I should have ramped up more gradually throughout middle school. This was our first go around and I was much more focused the last couple of years on getting one of her younger siblings reading.

 

She's definitely had an attitude and behavioral change also though. Her energy level is always low and she is more easily distracted. She is loath to take any advice from her parents these days, which has caused her to often stumble. Both dh and I have talked, lectured, and punished all with little effect. She truly thinks that she knows best about her schoolwork, how best to take notes, prepare, study, research, etc. Her less than stellar results don't seem to deter her:glare:.

[Miss Marple]

Welcome to life with a 14 yo boy. This too shall pass. Just keep in mind that his hormones are raging, he is probably growing leaps and bounds and, just as we get pregnancy brain, I swear the hormones do a similar job on 14 yo boys! They typically have no vision for their future, so don't really care enough that what they do today will have an impact on future choices. Many have no intuitive organizational skills.

 

I really think calling Dad in at this point is crucial. Especially if he is arguing with you about reasonable 9th grade work. I used to say, "Look. You may be 6' and not want to listen to me. That's fine. I'll call in your 6' 3" Dad." Men know how to deal with it in a no-sense way. It's also much easier to allow Dad to enforce the consequences, so that you can encourage him on as much as possible. He's becoming a young man, and having another strong man in his life to set reasonable expectations in his life and enforce them is huge.

 

Practically, we tried to have ds in physical activity of some kind. Sports is great. They can spend all of that extra testosterone on the field and have the influence of yet another older male. I actually think serious chores help here. Perhaps it's just become another exuse in your home; only you can judge that. We also found a bit by accident that when ds was busier, he did better in school. There is a balance. But having an afternoon sports practice or job to get to is great incentive to finish the work.

 

Also, I began outsourcing more of ds' schoolwork in 10th grade. He thrived. he loved the competetion provided in a class of kids, he had some excellent teachers and, best of all for mr, there was outside accountability.

 

The Pearls* have a great article called Little Roosters that gives some good insight into this period in a young man's life.

 

Hang in there! Like anything else with our kids, they may push against our boundaries, but we need to keep them nonetheless. I think if you persevere through this time (and there may be tears and disappointment; I certainly had my share), keeping holding your standard, I think you'll report great gains in two years. For one of my dc, it was two steps up, one back, but he did make it. And when he did, he made it very well.

 

HTH,

Lisa

 

*I'm aware that the Pearls are not well received on this board. Some of their advice for raising young kids is questionable, but the Little Roosters has some good nuggets of insight.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Haven't read the Pearls article, but think I may need to head over there to check it out. I'm on my last 14 yob :tongue_smilie: I'm feeling very old these days.

[Mejane]

Agree about the age/boy thing. I'm starting to see it pass as mine inches closer to 15. (fingers crossed)

 

Things that have helped:

 

Helping him understand why high school is important (permanent transcripts, college, etc.), and that it is non-negotiable. Will he like it everyday? No. Does he have to do it? Yes! It's his job in the same way that Dad does his job everyday whether he wants to or not.

 

Tying doing well in schoolwork to things like getting a license, part-time job, etc.

 

Requiring him to complete X amount of work per week instead of per day. He hates working at night or on weekends, so that motivates him somewhat.

 

Coffee in the morning to get him going.

 

Doing one subject per day. It seems to help with focus.

 

Very few breaks until the day's work is done. Like one. If he breaks, he's gone. :glare:

 

Helping in some ways, being hands-off in others. I read his English selections and we discuss them; it helps him process. I will proof-read papers. He does not want help with math or science. He likes those subjects and wants to do them by himself. Great!

 

He is also a physical kid and dances six hours per day. He likes listening to music while working, as others have said. He lays on his floor to do his work although he has a desk. These are all things he has had to figure out for himself.

 

Good luck!

[MommyThrice]

My 15 yo son is really there! I've also got 13 and 11 yo boys close behind, but the 15 yo is the problem. I don't have much advice except:

 

1. Arguing or complaining are not allowed. I assign push-ups for this. What boy doesn't want to have muscles? And it seems to help him work off steam.

 

2. I agree with the hard labor - splitting firewood, moving rocks, etc... works much better than sweeping the floor, but sometimes that's all I come up with.

 

I haven't had much luck with activites that can be cancelled when school work isn't finished. It seems that everything he wants to do requires some committment that we can't break that easily. I took away his CD player until he stays caught up in school for three weeks in a row, that was months ago! I'm think I'm going to put a drivers license carrot out there for him.

 

My biggest gripe is that his imcomplete schoolwork affects the whole family. Usually we have something we would like to do together on a Saturday, or maybe one week night, and we frequently cancel because my son has homework.

 

Sorry I can't help, but I want you to know you are not alone!

[Nan in Mass]

Next year will probably be better. This seems to be normal for boys for 14 or 15. 16 is better. Survive the year as best you can, preserving the illusion that he is working independently, and next year, he probably will be successful at working independently. I think it has to do with the transition. Mine seem to have a year when they want to work independently, passively resist working with me, but aren't quite able to do it successfully themselves. The result is a lot of frustration. I despaired and began thinking homeschooling wasn't going to work for high school. Sigh. Then the next year, my sons informed me that they were all set now, they'd grown up a lot, and they took control of their school work. Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say that they'd taken control the year before but then not quite been able to manage to do it.

-Nan

[ks-sunflower]

I read that supplementing with zinc can improve focus and concentration in children with adhd. I don't know if this is relevant to your situation but it doesn't seem like it could hurt. Here's the link:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/04/040409094643.htm

[4wildberrys]

That is already the rule. So his time wasters are: 2-3 hours in the bathroom per day, getting a drink of water, instigating a conversation that begins about school work, petting the dog, "thinking" he's done, etc.

 

I cut the conversations as soon as they go off topic, tell him to leave the dog alone and get to work, tell him to get out of the bathroom and get to work. He says he has to lock himself in the bathroom to get any alone time since he doesn't have a lock on his door.

 

he has missed play dates, youth group, currently is not involved in martials arts for the 1st time in 9 years. His life consists of schoolwork, fighting with me and wandering around wasting time.

 

I just don't know what to do!

 

Hey! Have you kidnapped MY son?! :lol: Seriously----this sounds eXACTLY like what we go through every day....and he is now 15! His sister gets up, follows her schedule totally independently asking for help when she needs it and finishes up by 1-2pm at the latest. Lately with him....it can go ALLL day up to about 6pm. DD can start chatting and get her work done. Everything stops for him the minute conversation starts. Or the cat walks into the room. Or the dog needs to go out. Or the kitten comes in. Or dad comes into the kitchen....argh!

 

Okay....now to read the suggestions by other moms of what to do :confused: