Mygrandmother died today, or maybe it was yesterday...

[Heather in Neverland]

I can't really be sure. Time difference and all.

 

SO.......

 

I haven't talked to her in about 10 years. She was a rude, mean-spirited woman that I did not want in my children's life.

 

And she died today. Or yesterday.

 

Obviously I am not going to the funeral since I am on the other side of the world. And I found myself relieved that I have that as an excuse. I always wondered if I would go to her funeral when she died.

 

I am not sad. I feel like I should be. She was my grandmother. But I am not. Does that make me an evil person? If you saw my father's day post then you know that this side of the family is fraught with difficulty. Sheesh. Maybe I need to go on Oprah.

[BridgeTea]

Heather, you are entitled to your feelings - or lack thereof. You're not evil.

[KnitWit]

(((((Heather)))))

 

I understand. My grandfather was the same way. I didn't attend his funeral. Same type circumstances as you, and frankly, I considered it a blessing that I didn't have to *pretend* in front of his friends and such. Even my own father struggled with his feelings...or lack thereof...when his father died. I told my dad that I felt like we could mourn *what might have been* or *what *should* have been*.

 

No, it doesn't make you an evil person.

[Frontier Mom]

(((((Heather)))))

 

I understand. My grandfather was the same way. I didn't attend his funeral. Same type circumstances as you, and frankly, I considered it a blessing that I didn't have to *pretend* in front of his friends and such. Even my own father struggled with his feelings...or lack thereof...when his father died. I told my dad that I felt like we could mourn *what might have been* or *what *should* have been*.

 

No, it doesn't make you an evil person.

 

:iagree: I have some people like that in my family that, upon their death, will be a time to be sad for the relationships that never happened. I do think we should use these times as moments to teach our children that, though we should respect our elders, the way we spend our lives between the dash on the headstone will determine the extent of loss others will feel. If one does nothing for anyone, why should our lives crumble when they pass? However, those who treat others with compassion and kindness, those that truly make the world a better place because they were here, those that gave of themselves while they were alive...well those are the people we truly mourn.

 

It might sound cold but that is just the reality. One should imagine what you want said and how you want people to act upon your death. Then, live your life accordingly between the dash (birth and death date.) If they don't feel guilty treating others unkind, then you shouldn't feel guilty either.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I could have written this exact post about 10 years ago (only I was across the country, not the world).

 

She was my only living grandparent (my father's mother). My father died of cancer when I was 10 and she did all but blame my mother for it. Not a good situation, but to make matters worse she lived in the same town as us. She would not contact us directly but we saw her drive her car past our house (obviously to check up on us, we didn't live that close to each other). This was hurtful to me, as a 10 year old girl who could not drive to see her myself. My older brother at some point in his late teens sent her a Christmas card, and she sent one back to him, not to me or my older sister. All I could think, even then, was "I'M 12. Give me a break. Take the high road, woman."

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into my own vent! Since I still have no trouble feeling upset about everything that happened, so I have to think I was not necessarily evil for not being sad about her passing.

 

I mostly felt bad that I didn't feel bad and I felt like I should. Now that I have kids I am sad that I can't tell them great stories about my grandparents or even understand the bond grandparents have with grandchildren. But honestly, that is the extent of the grief I feel about her passing. So no, I do not think you need to beat yourself up about how you feel. :grouphug:

[mom2denj]

I can't really be sure. Time difference and all.

 

SO.......

 

I haven't talked to her in about 10 years. She was a rude, mean-spirited woman that I did not want in my children's life.

 

And she died today. Or yesterday.

 

Obviously I am not going to the funeral since I am on the other side of the world. And I found myself relieved that I have that as an excuse. I always wondered if I would go to her funeral when she died.

 

I am not sad. I feel like I should be. She was my grandmother. But I am not. Does that make me an evil person? If you saw my father's day post then you know that this side of the family is fraught with difficulty. Sheesh. Maybe I need to go on Oprah.

 

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings. I felt the same way when my bio father died a couple of years ago. He left when I was two and tried to come back in my life when I was 31. He was a stranger. I did not have any sad feelings when he died. I felt guilty at first, then I realized that he made his own bed. He knew right from wrong when he left. I did forgive him, but I still had no feelings. ((((hugs)))))

[lmrich]

When my grandmother died, I mourned for the grandmother I never had...but found in my dh's grandmother. I also realized that forgiveness is very powerful.

[Starr]

Thank goodness you are across the world. No, no, no we do not want you jumping on the couch on Oprah! Families can be so difficult. I'm sorry.

[rfoster]

Here are lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I can say that I truly understand. I have already faced this with one grandparent (he passed 2 years ago and I think I am finally gaining some sense of closure), and have 2 more that I will go through the very same emotional roller coaster with. And 1 grandparent who I WILL want to attend her funeral, and that will be very awkward for me after skipping 3 others, so most likely grieve in my own way in private.

[ConnieB]

I can't really be sure. Time difference and all.

 

SO.......

 

I haven't talked to her in about 10 years. She was a rude, mean-spirited woman that I did not want in my children's life.

 

And she died today. Or yesterday.

 

Obviously I am not going to the funeral since I am on the other side of the world. And I found myself relieved that I have that as an excuse. I always wondered if I would go to her funeral when she died.

 

I am not sad. I feel like I should be. She was my grandmother. But I am not. Does that make me an evil person? If you saw my father's day post then you know that this side of the family is fraught with difficulty. Sheesh. Maybe I need to go on Oprah.

 

Love is not automatic...you can not turn it on or off at will. Thinking that just because someone is blood related to us means that we should love them unconditionally (or at all) just doesn't make sense to me.

 

I am sad that a person has died and offer my condolences to your family that will miss her.....but I don't think less of you because you aren't in mourning over her passing. She made the choice to be mean spirited....you made the choice to not allow that to wreck havoc in your life or negatively impact your children. We all must do what is right for our family.

 

If only life were this easy, but it really should be. What's that old saying "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives" or something....it basically means to me that you should carefully choose friends that will better your life or you theirs....and relatives don't always fit in that category.

 

Take my comments with the grain of salt that my own parents have been gone for many years....and that we have not had much to do with my inlaws for more than a decade. The exception was occasionally seeing them when we joyously visited with my children's great grandpa....but he sadly died last year and now we have no reason to have to see people we dislike just because they're related.

 

My children never have suffered for lack of "grandparents" in their life....they just are handpicked grandparents instead of blood related. But the love and affection is as deep as anything I could have hoped for...and much more positive experiences. You have given your children wonderful experiences in different culture.....I doubt your children are suffering for not having had a mean spirited woman in their life.

 

May she find peace and joy in heaven that she apparently didn't find on Earth.

[Charles Wallace]

I can't really be sure. Time difference and all.

 

SO.......

 

I haven't talked to her in about 10 years. She was a rude, mean-spirited woman that I did not want in my children's life.

 

And she died today. Or yesterday.

 

Obviously I am not going to the funeral since I am on the other side of the world. And I found myself relieved that I have that as an excuse. I always wondered if I would go to her funeral when she died.

 

I am not sad. I feel like I should be. She was my grandmother. But I am not. Does that make me an evil person? If you saw my father's day post then you know that this side of the family is fraught with difficulty. Sheesh. Maybe I need to go on Oprah.

 

So you're asking if it's evil to regret the absence of a rude, mean-spirited person?

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:(((Heather))):grouphug:

[Heather in Neverland]

May she find peace and joy in heaven that she apparently didn't find on Earth.

 

wow. thank you for this....it is something I can agree with in honesty.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I don't think you need to shoulder any blame for a lack of sadness. I was not close to my grandmothers (both grandfathers died before I was born). Not because they were not kind, loving people, but because of distance. I only saw them every few years. When they died, I was sad for my parents, but no personal sense of loss. I do remember them fondly. In your situation, I would be breathing a sigh of relief.

[newbie]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[justasque]

This is a bit of a sidetrack, but I just wanted to say that I have been to the funeral of a relative I didn't like at all. I wasn't there for *him*, I was there for his family - his kids, his ex-wife. I wasn't there to mention my feelings about *him*, I was there to be supportive of people I cared about, to let them know that they were important enough to me that I would take the time to mark this event that was important to them, and to allow them the space and a listening ear for whatever mixed-up feelings they were experiencing. As it played out, my family and I were the only ones who came to support these people, and having us there made a difficult situation much easier for them. I'm so, so, so glad I went.

 

OP, I'm not directing these thoughts to you at all, I know it doesn't really apply in your situation. But I did want to plant a seed for others who might find themselves in this kind of situation. There are lots of reasons to go to a funeral, even if you didn't care for the deceased.