swellmomma Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Just have to vent a bit before getting on with our day so I can be a happy mommy for our feildtrip today. I am sure those that have read my posts before about my family know I have a difficult relationship with my mother. My folks do try to help me out, and at times are actually helpful, but overall My mother and I do not get along very well, she likes to forget that I am 31 and a mother myself and likes to claim control of my kids kwim. Anyway, this past weekend my oldest ds was away at cadet camp, so my folks took the middle 2 so I could have a weekend just with baby to clean the house, rest etc. FIne that was very helpful actually. However, yesterday afternoon made me regret every letting her near my children. I went and picked up ds from camp, then went to my folks to get the middle two. By the time we were leaving ds was pretty tired, he had only been home from camp for about 1 hour, and hadn't slept much all weekend. As he got in the van he hit ds5 on the arm. I told him to knock it off and buckle up while I talked to ds5, and planned to deal with it at home, not in the driveway in my van. Anyway my mom comes out of the house and PUNCHES my ds10 in the arm and yells at him "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" I was livid, ds was crying, the rest of the kids were shocked. Grandma had always been teh one grown up they could turn to if things were getting too tense around here, kwim, and she shattered that with them with that one punch. Luckily we were already in the car, so as soon as she let go of him(she was holding his other arm while yelling at him), I threw the car in reversed, yelled at him to shut the door and we were out of there. I am so angry at her, the kids are hurt. SHe called many times yesterday, I just turned the ringer off. In her messages it was things like "Sorry I stepped into discipline him, it was to help you, I never actually hurt him" and other crap, I don't give a flying blankety-blank if he physically hurt him at this point, she had the nerve to punch him and pretty much crushed all 3 of the older kids in teh process. If I had been the one to punch him she would have been calling cps on me, but it is okay for her to do it!!!! She says in her messages she wants to apologize to him, but he says he doesn't want to talk to her, and I will not force it. I really don't want to talk to her either. So there go any of the work that had been done since thanksgiving rebuilding this relationship because it will be a very very long time before she is near my kids again. You would think she would know better, heck I kept them away from her for 6 months when they were toddlers because she spanked him without my permission, did she really think I would allow her to walk up and punch him! I don't even let other kids in the neighborhood do that, why would I let a trusted adult do it. GRRRRR! Okay got that all out, leaving my ringer off today as well, and then we are off on a fieldtrip to the honey plant, hopefully that will help us all move on from this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Wow. I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 well that'd be the end of that relationship in my life. period. i wouldn't even bother to discuss/argue it with her. just move on...:auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 After that I wouldn't let the kids near her until they were grown and trying to establish their own relationship with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumbledeb Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 :grouphug: I am so sorry. I hope you can move on with your day and recover somewhat. I would be livid and would be seriously considering never letting such a person (who can't control themselves) anywhere near my children again. Probably that would be impractical, and not what you really want in the long run though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classics4us Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 wow, no advice but some hugs, this must be a very difficult decision for you guys.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 (edited) ...My mother and I do not get along very well. ... I am so angry at her, the kids are hurt. SHe called many times yesterday, I just turned the ringer off. ...She says in her messages she wants to apologize to him, but he says he doesn't want to talk to her, and I will not force it. I really don't want to talk to her either. ...it will be a very very long time before she is near my kids again. ...leaving my ringer off today as well... It's obvious that she realizes she messed up. She's feeling badly about what happened and wants to set things right with her grandson. And with you. You're hurting. She's hurting. Punishing her by not letting her apologize, and by not even answering the phone, rather than resolving this ASAP is only going to make things worse. <Speaking gently here> I know this isn't really what you wanted to hear, but FWIW, I've been there and done that, so I speak from experience (except that in my case, it was another family member and not my mom). :grouphug: Edited February 9, 2009 by ereks mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 No words, just :grouphug:. Hopefully y'all enjoy the field trip today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Katia Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Oh, you poor dear! :grouphug: I am just so, so sorry for you and your sweet kiddos. I would keep them away from her as well. It sounds like you've made a good decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I am so sorry for you guys, :grouphug: We have a rocky relationship with my parents, and we've come very close to cutting them off completely several times. after the last ugly incident, we settled on letting them see them, but I am always present..once every couple of months we let the 2 younger ones spend the night but not the older ones- I had to realize that I could not let them hurt my kids in exchange for the 'help' they gave me by taking them off my hands for hours a week. It was nice to have the break and have time to do things...but in the end not worth my kids emotional well being. maybe you need to cut way back on the alone time your kids have with them. For peace and family good will, maybe make effort to spend time with them for dinner, holidays, afternoon at their house, but keep it supervised. I came to the decision that the cost of the 'help' was just too much. I hope you work it out. p.s. maybe you should keep a copy of her messages and document what happened, just incase things get ugly, you mentioned she would call cps on you if the tables had been turned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Tell her your son doesn't want to talk to her and suggest she send an old fashioned letter of apology. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andie Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 It's obvious that she realizes she messed up. She's feeling badly about what happened and wants to set things right with her grandson. And with you. You're hurting. She's hurting. Punishing her by not letting her apologize, and by not even answering the phone, rather than resolving this ASAP is only going to make things worse. <Speaking gently here> I know this isn't really what you wanted to hear, but FWIW, I've been there and done that, so I speak from experience (except that in my case, it was another family member and not my mom). :grouphug: I agree. I'd let her apologize to your son, if that's what she wants to do, and at least hear her out. That doesn't obligate you to change your decision about spending time with her, but it could help your son and other kids to feel better, and *I* think it sets a better example for the kids to see you allow her to apologize, then calmly (now - certainly few would manage calm in THAT moment!) decide *whateveryoudecide* than to have that ugly scene be the end. Children fill in blanks with all sorts of things, and I'd ESPECIALLY not want your ds to ever think he's at fault, that they don't see Grandma anymore "because of what she did to me" or some such thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 She is not controlling herself. She thinks that this is the right way to discipline. And you know that it is not, and she knows that your views are different, and she still did this. You have had this discussion before, and she knows your views and still did this. So this is SERIOUS. And she knows that, which is why she is belittling it. She knows that she risked her continued contact with her grandchildren. But she still did it. So I have two questions for you: Why would you trust her with minor children ever again? Who knows what happened when you were NOT there? ----------------- If it were me, I would still keep the children in contact with her, but never let her babysit them or host them without you being present. It's hard, I know, but really, this is for your children's emotional and physical safety. And if you don't want to have the children in contact with her, because of other contributing issues that we don't know about, I understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ancora_Imparo Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I would not allow her to be alone with the children. She has to realize that her actions affect her relationship with her grandchildren. Yes, she is apologizing, but it takes a long time to get the trust back in the relationship. She should not expect everything to go back to how it was, even if you and your son accept her apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 This has nothing to do with your mother anymore. It's about your kids. I agree with pps that you don't know what has gone on when you weren't there. She did this in front of you. Your job is to keep your children safe. What your mother did is assault and is punishable by the law. Fine if you don't choose to go that route but it would be irresponsible of you to leave your children with her ever again. I like the idea of letting her write a letter of apology. I'd answer the phone long enough to tell her that a letter of apology would be appreciated but that she just turned in her mother and grandmother card. There will be no more contact between your family and her. I'd also tell her that if she continues to try to contact you or your children that you will report this incident to the police and get a restraining order. Again, it has nothing to do with your mother. Your kids need to know that you can and will protect them. Obviously they've been suffering from some amount of abuse from her and I guessing you have also. This is definitely time to stop this relationship and protect your children. I do not say this lightly, as I understand you need her for help, but you must protect your kids. I know you know this, I'm just trying to shore you up. When you talk to her it is to inform her of what you have decided as THE parent, don't let her drag you into a fight. I might also follow the phone call up with a letter. You might want to pray about this and ask for guidance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Women in the past have lost their children for failing to protect them from abusive men, even if they themselves were abused by those men as well and living in fear. This could really happen to you if your mom punches your children. It is your job to love and protect them, even from their other relatives if necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Why would you trust her with minor children ever again? Who knows what happened when you were NOT there? ----------------- If it were me, I would still keep the children in contact with her, but never let her babysit them or host them without you being present. It's hard, I know, but really, this is for your children's emotional and physical safety. And if you don't want to have the children in contact with her, because of other contributing issues that we don't know about, I understand. :iagree::iagree: This is hard, but needed. You can't let someone that out of control be around your children w/ out supervision. It sounds funny, but you are going to have to supervise your own mom or just don't see her anymore. I would let her apologize. That doesn't mean you have to trust her again. Personally, we don't hang around aggressive people. When my mother got into a near fist fight with my BIL one Christmas, that is the last time any of them saw us on a holiday - ever again!. And we never spent time with them together again. People have just got to be adult, or face the consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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