Anyone want to listen?

[Bambam]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

The hot thread made me realize something depending on which of my formats, between 60 times and 120 times more people have seen this thread than have seen my blog, podcast or newsletter. So my very carefully thought out, crafted, knowing exactly what to say doesn't matter.  People would rather read my tantrums, my logical fallacies, my distorted thinking rather than my thoughts when I am thinking clearly, when I have weeded out all of the black and white thinking, catastrophizing, etc.  

That makes me incredibly sad. And it only cements my decision to hang it  up.  (By that I mean closing down the newsletter and blog and probably the podcast, though I enjoy that one so we will see.)

I think people want to help.  And when they see a thread that screams that need, they read that and try to offer encouragement, help, etc + others who are suffering some of the same things read to find encouragement, help, etc from the posts written.  

If you enjoy your newsletter and blog, keep it up - even if no one reads it. Let it just be for fun for you.  Just like doing chalk drawings on the driveway, maybe no one sees them or appreciates them, but you can find joy just by making them! And that is worthwhile. 

[Clarita]

May instead of having separate studies have your workspace be in the same room and the other study room be the study storage. It just seems like you spend more time in the same space as one another. So figure out a situation at home that puts you in the same space as one another more often. 

You can also ask for his project works to stop after dinner or the 6pm show time. That's your hangout time, even if you do something together. I need that from my husband. He still working so some nights that's him responding to a crisis at work while sitting next to me on the couch, while I watch something ridiculous or fold laundry or something. 

That is what I see as the difference in the RV time vs. home time, is you spend a lot more time in the same space as your husband. Maybe that's not it though, then you do need to be more clear about what exactly what is different between RV time and home time.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Clarita said:

 

That is what I see as the difference in the RV time vs. home time, is you spend a lot more time in the same space as your husband. Maybe that's not it though, then you do need to be more clear about what exactly what is different between RV time and home time.

That is exactly what I said was the difference.  We are forced to be together. 

[Clarita]

Just now, TexasProud said:

That is exactly what I said was the difference.  We are forced to be together. 

Then make it happen. There is no reason for home to be different from RV time. 

Taken to the extreme you could also live in the RV instead of your house ...

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Then make it happen. There is no reason for home to be different from RV time. 

Taken to the extreme you could also live in the RV instead of your house ...

To be honest, I don't want to give up my study.  (Remember my post about not having my own space and how everyone on here urged me to take over my son's room and make it mine. Which I did. (And y'all think I never listen to you. (:)  

However, what I DO think is that we don't take time to play.  But the issue is that my husband spent time in Kenya for weeks and then we are going to go play for 5 weeks.  At some point all of this work needs to get done around here.  But still.   We should probaly spread it out more on these weeks we are home.  And yes, I would like to have him stop working by dinner time. For his sake as well.  So maybe if we add a day trip somewhere occasionally on home weeks or something.  I don't know.  Will brainstorm with him on the trip. 

[Janeway]

Can you sing with the choir at the Houston church? 
 

I am sorry for all you are going through. (((Hugs)))

[Clarita]

16 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

However, what I DO think is that we don't take time to play.  But the issue is that my husband spent time in Kenya for weeks and then we are going to go play for 5 weeks.  At some point all of this work needs to get done around here.  But still.   We should probaly spread it out more on these weeks we are home.  And yes, I would like to have him stop working by dinner time. For his sake as well.  So maybe if we add a day trip somewhere occasionally on home weeks or something.  I don't know.  Will brainstorm with him on the trip. 

Yes plan fun things for home. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to stop at dinnertime. I mean if I can ask my working husband to do that you should be able to have your retired do that. 

Like I said for my example it doesn't have to be rigid (never changing) and not a conversation between the two of you. Make the request and go from there (even if you don't see how it'd work out). 

[Annie G]

53 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I can guess, but will observe and talk about it on the trip.  Here is my guess:

We are forced to be together.

At home. this is our schedule: both up at 3 or 4 am and go to our separate studies to do our Bible studies, emails work, etc. At 6:30ish we go for our hour walk.  Then he goes and works on his RV project, or bushhogs, or weeds the garden or mows or some project that he is always doing. Then we  eat lunch together. Then back to work on separate stuff.  Watch a show at 6 then he goes back out and works more. 

Instead, this is what we do in the RV.  We listen to audio books or podcasts together on the drive. We normally travel for 3 days then settle somewhere for a week.  Move to another for 6 days.  Another for 6 days. Another 5. Then 3 days home.  So we are not constantly moving. We sleep in.  (OOOh 6am maybe.) The temperature is typically colder where we go. A lot colder and we can cuddle without burning up. We go on a hike or on a scenic drive.  We go to museums. We relax.  We do work on our computers on some days, but it is in the same room. We cook and clean together in the small rv. We might play a game.  We watch the stars. We roast marshmallows. 

So yeah, see the difference?

I would reframe how you see it. Instead of ‘we’re forced to be together’ I’d see it more as outside distractions/obligations are removed, and when that happens, the relationship improves. 
Does he see the above tasks like mowing or weeding as fun or chores? Dh loves washing and detailing our cars. I absolutely hate it. So while I see the task as a chore, he finds it fun and rewarding. If your dh sees the tasks he’s doing as chores, it’s time to have a talk that chores will never end, so stop trying to spend all day being productive because your relationship is suffering because of it. Either cut back, hire some chores out, or simply agree to carve out time for you two to be a couple. 
But the first step is to have a real discussion about how you feel during RV trips vs when you’re home.   It’s really hard for a workaholic to relax. I consider anyone who ‘stays busy’ to the point their main relationship suffers. And maybe you’re both guilty of this while you’re at home. 

[Rosie_0801]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Ah, ok. That makes sense. Thank you.  I was on the verge of tears I was so frustrated.

The technique, which Fairfarmhand helpfully reworded for us, will loose all power if you google it to make sure you do it "right." If you did that, you're only filling the blanks in someone else's story like a game of Mad Libs. Sure, it'd pass the time, but there'd be no power in it because it'd be taking yourself out of your own story; falling on a sword of obedience, transforming it into an exercise of reinforcing, comfortable damage. We've all got enough of that already.

You want accolades and a sort of non-existence. This challenge is a way of working towards balance. The more you try not to exist, the more you will crave accolades, because they are an antidote to non-existence, just like non-existence is an antidote to the vanity of wanting accolades. They are two sides of the same coin. Swinging so far between one and the other does to our psyches what spiking and crashing blood sugar levels do to our bodies. We are supposed to find balance.

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, Annie G said:

Does he see the above tasks like mowing or weeding as fun or chores? Dh loves washing and detailing our cars. I absolutely hate it. So while I see the task as a chore, he finds it fun and rewarding. I

Oh yes, he loves it all. Loves doing it all. No.  Working in clinic was a chore.(I think because although he was very, very good with people. He really listens to their complaints, takes time...which made him behind most days. LOL. Anyway, it also really, really drained him.)

He always said that working outside was his happy place. And all of the tinkering projects are replacing what he got in surgery, I am sure. If he hadn't been a doctor, he would have been a forest ranger. 

 

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, Clarita said:

Yes plan fun things for home. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to stop at dinnertime. I mean if I can ask my working husband to do that you should be able to have your retired do that. 

 

And again, part of this is I mean he is home for 3 weeks.  That is it. And when we get back in October, he will be home for a few days gone for his conference. Then home for a few days then we take the trailer for the weekend, some of which will be the fundraising dinner. Then home for 10 days before we go on our week long trip to Honduras.  So, I mean, the stuff has to get done here at some point.  So it is sort of like we binge working and then binge playing and binge serving if that makes sense.

And I also think that we spent 3 1/2 weeks apart and got used to being by ourselves before this past week. Which is why I do worry if we do not travel together and I am the one that stays home. After awhile, I don't really need him and almost resent him intruding on my life. So that is part of it as well. When I couldn't travel at all when I was in seminary and also when I was taking care of my mom, he would go on the mission field for a month or six weeks. Neither one of us felt like that was good for our marriage. It was hard to meld back together. 

[TexasProud]

And since this is my thread where I can vent about anything:

I am not the world's best housekeeper, especially by some standards on the Hive.  However, every week or two, I do like to go through and really clean house: dust, vacuum, get things in order.  Some of it helps me feel better inside as well. Hard to explain.

But I cannot. First the playroom was full of hubby's suitcases from Kenya with stuff all over. I couldn't do his laundry because when I started, I discovered the heating element on our dryer was out.  Hubby has now fixed that and everything is gone.  However, now it has boxes of stuff from Amazon and Victron for all the solar battery stuff.  Also the top of the bookshelf counter (which runs the length of the room) has my son's cat carrier, some of my daughter's stuff she brought home, etc.

The living room is full of stuff my daughter is laying out to take to Disney.  She is trying to take the minimum of stuff for her 4 month stay working there. 

My room has a huge pile of stuff that needs to go into the RV, but cannot until the power is back up and running and we start filling the containers full of stuff we need.

When it is just the two of us, for the kitchen, it takes several days to fill the dishwasher. I have a habit at night of starting the dishwasher, so the next morning I can unload it and put any leftover dishes, if any and there often is not. And it is all clean.  With four of us here, we are running it multiple times a day when I cook.  And my daughter is on her musical theater schedule, which means rising at noon and going to bed at 2 or 3am , so at 10pm she is having her dinner like she would after a show.  Which means there are dishes on the stove and in the sink and my clean kitchen isn't so clean. Our bedroom is right next to the kitchen, so I don''t really want her cleaning things and putting things away as that would wake me up. 

Anyway, just saying that probably accounts for my wanting to hide in my study and my lack of order feeling.

I am not asking for suggestions on how to fix this. I just need to vent. My daughter is only home for a few weeks before she goes to Disney and then i won't see her until January.  I am enjoying having her bee bop into my room in the afternoons and talk about her struggles with a lot of her friends going back to college this fall. Her excitement over her college roomie calling from port and telling her all about working as a lead on a show on the cruise ship ( and I think her friend is lonely, too) Talking about longing for her own apartment but not sure how to make it work in her line of work. Talking through what she plans to do for auditioning.  Her frustration with lack of communication from her other roomie who is getting married this weekend.  We are going shopping for black tennis shoes for Disney and whatever other fun things we want to do tomorrow.  I would gladly pay the price of a messy kitchen for that.

My son is also down for just a few weeks and we probably won't see him again until Thanksgiving, though he might come when we are home in October.  Just depends on how claustrophobic he feels in his apartment in Austin by himself. 

I just needed to say it is driving me a little nuts. 

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

I get it. One thing I’ve enjoyed about my older 2 being out of the house is how much easier it is to keep the house tidy. When people come back even fro a day or so, it’s so messy and a bit overwhelming. There’s nothing to fix. I like them being around and so yes endure the mess. But I don’t like it. And clutter is overwhelming to me too.

[Kassia]

I get it too.  Things are so easy, quiet, and neat with just me and DH home.  When the kids are home, it's SO cluttered and there are so many dishes and the fridge is packed and there's so much noise and chaos.  And everyone is on a different sleeping/eating routine than I am, so it becomes exhausting and uncomfortable too.  It definitely gets overwhelming for me and I have to keep reminding myself that it's temporary and I do love spending that special time with them.

Edited August 21 by Kassia

[livetoread]

Yes. I like having a clean, orderly house, but I hate doing housework, so there needs to be a visual payoff for me for putting the work in to do it. We have a young adult at home right now plus all of their apartment contents, and they aren't the cleanest or most organized anyway. Cleaning doesn't pay off visually because the house still looks bad, and I'm struggling to force myself to do it. Having the kiddo around is precious though, and I appreciate it more than an orderly house.

[TexasProud]

19 minutes ago, livetoread said:

Yes. I like having a clean, orderly house, but I hate doing housework, so there needs to be a visual payoff for me for putting the work in to do it. We have a young adult at home right now plus all of their apartment contents, and they aren't the cleanest or most organized anyway. Cleaning doesn't pay off visually because the house still looks bad, and I'm struggling to force myself to do it. Having the kiddo around is precious though, and I appreciate it more than an orderly house.

I completely understand this!!!

[Clarita]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

So, I mean, the stuff has to get done here at some point. 

Home projects can be hired out. You can choose to do the projects with him. The two of you can choose a house with less stuff to do. Or you can choose to not change and be content with it, because this is the lifestyle you chose to have.

I've said again and again I think in general you are happy,  content, and with purpose. These are the times where you feel less of the happy and purposeful. That's OK because it seems like this is the way you want to live right now. Maybe the way to think about it is, is the wonderfulness of the playing and serving worth what you have to endure during the home time. When that seems like it's not worth it (you know what that means, because you figured it out during the seminary/taking care of mom part of your life), then talk to your husband about your feelings and figure out what to change.