Anyone want to listen?

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

You don't have things to talk about? Are you not interested in their lives? They don't want to share what's up with them? 

I talk to my mom who lives overseas for 30-60 minutes every day. We never run out of things, and she is a strong introvert. When my extrovert friend comes over, we talk for six hours straight.

My introverted DH and DS have animated conversations about areas of mutual interest.

What you describe seems completely alien to me. None of you feel comfortable opening up, and none of you are interested enough to adk?

What in the world do you talk about for 60 minutes every day.  I mean if they know I am working on the videos and beginning this devotion project or I have updated them on it, what else do I have to talk about?  I mean, when I taught, I could talk about my day and the students and what happened. But now, it is me writing.  I ask my son how work was. He says fine. he might tell me about a project or something and that is it.  He works remotely and has no friends so that is his life. Oh we do talk about his cat.  My other son we talk on the phone once every few weeks and run out of stuff to talk about in 15 minutes or so. He tends to answer questions with one word.  I am aassuming he talks to his fiance more.  He is a different person around other people than around us.  Not sure what adk means.

Edited August 19 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Oh, I probably shouldn't have said, it isn't his thing.  It is.  But the problem is that we cuddle for more than a minute and I have sweat poring off of me. It is so incredibly frustrating. Neither of us are comfortable.  I do not have hot flashes, but I have always tended to be warmer when touching someone else and that had gone completely on overdrive.  

I get it. I am really mad at my body right now. It's just not cooperating in big and small ways.

[TexasProud]

15 minutes ago, marbel said:

So my husband is an engineer, and thus likes to fix things. When I get scattered and overwhelmed, I tell him, but I start with "you can't fix this." And he has learned to listen to me and keep his mouth shut unless/until I ask for advice.  It's hard for him because he is wired to fix things, but he loves me so he gives me what I need. And he would rather I tell him that hide it from him because he can't fix it. 

 

LOL,... my husband is the best listener. You should hear him draw out other people. He is amazing. And he isn't really a fixer when he listens/talks.  When i have had serious talks with him over the years, he does a great job of drawing out probing questions, validating, all of the wonderful things. But we have no solution. It just is what it is.  I feel heard, but there isn't a solution most of the time.  Example: He was in practice and his hours were nuts and he actually worked so much less than any of the other surgeons in his practice, they would tease him about it. His specialty, the hours are just nuts, especially call.  I was stuck at home all day with the kids.  I wanted us to go out and have fun and for him to be energetic and playful and all of that.  he wanted to go home and decompress.  He would take me out, but he wouldn't be there really. he would agree it was a problem, but other than quitting his profession that he felt called to do, there was no solution. 

[TexasProud]

On 8/19/2024 at 2:12 PM, fairfarmhand said:

 

]

Edited August 21 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Yeah, and as I said, the TeA stuff isn't. It is super, super, super, super frustrating....  I also keep getting these weird injuries.  I almost asked the hive about it. My groin and pelvic bone really hurt. I went to the doctor and had CT's MRI's with and without contrast.  This has happened off and on for almost a year. They don't see anything that could cause it.  But yeah, most days at least a portion of my back or my groin hurts. 

Have you thought about physical therapy? I pulled a muscle in my groin and it was not cool. It also set off a chain reaction and my hip and back got sore. It was a simple pulled muscle which came about because some of my other muscles were weak. PT fixed me up, though from time to time I do feel a twinge.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

Have you thought about physical therapy? I pulled a muscle in my groin and it was not cool. It also set off a chain reaction and my hip and back got sore. It was a simple pulled muscle which came about because some of my other muscles were weak. PT fixed me up, though from time to time I do feel a twinge.

I guess, but none of the docs suggested it.  And now, by the time we set it up I will be gone.  But yes, maybe a good suggestion. I don't know. 

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I guess, but none of the docs suggested it.  And now, by the time we set it up I will be gone.  But yes, maybe a good suggestion. I don't know. 

The doctor didn't actually tell me what was wrong. Just sent me to PT. The PT isolated what was hurting and how we got there. The groin area has so many muscles coming together that it takes a skilled person to isolate it.  Then we were able to strengthen not just the injured area, but the muscles that supported the injured area so I wouldn't hurt myself again. 

Edited August 19 by fairfarmhand

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

The doctor didn't actually tell me what was wrong. Just sent me to PT. The PT isolated what was hurting and how we got there. Then we were able to strengthen not just the injured area, but the muscles that supported the injured area so I wouldn't hurt myself again. 

Probably would be a good idea.

[prairiewindmomma]

There are stretches on YouTube. You can start with the SI joint pain ones and work your way around to the adductor muscles of your inner thigh (a common left groin pain trigger) and work on your psoas and sciatic nerve area. I have to stretch regularly or my lower back and pelvic area ache.

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

There are stretches on YouTube. You can start with the SI joint pain ones and work your way around to the adductor muscles of your inner thigh (a common left groin pain trigger) and work on your psoas and sciatic nerve area. I have to stretch regularly or my lower back and pelvic area ache.

I am actually doing those.  Someone mentioned them on another thread.  They are helping.

[TexasProud]

And in real life I don't complain about all of this or all of my aches and pains.  I don't want to be THAT crotchety older person.  As i have said before, most people find me to be very positive. 🙂 

[TexasProud]

Thank you for listening.  I already feel better. 🙂

[regentrude]

35 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

What in the world do you talk about for 60 minutes every day.  ...

 

Not sure what adk means.

Adk was typo. Ask.

What I talk about with my mom? What I did in the morning, how the weather is here, what flowers are blooming, what I'm cooking for lunch. Where she went for a walk, about the opera she went to, how the singers were and the staging. The books she reads. Local happenings. That my sister visited and what they're up to. That my niece called. How my kayaking went. That my son was here and how he's doing. Her concerns about her local election. That her friend has a problem...

Get the idea? We are part of each other's lived and share daily stuff. We are *interested* in those things and want to know how the other is spending their day, because that helps us feel connected. 

Same with my daughter who works and we don't talk every day, but even though she works from home, there's lots to talk: her work projects, the cats, the new hike she and her partner did, a cool podcast....

My very introverted DS was here when my mom visited and chatted for hours with grandma about his judo and her interest in sumo and snooker, about his grad school projects and the new apartment...

I thought that's a normal thing in families 

 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

 

What I talk about with my mom? What I did in the morning, how the weather is here, what flowers are blooming, what I'm cooking for lunch. Where she went for a walk, about the opera she went to, how the singers were and the staging. The books she reads. Local happenings. That my sister visited and what they're up to. That my niece called. How my kayaking went. That my son was here and how he's doing. Her concerns about her local election. That her friend has a problem...

 

 

That describes so much more interaction than I have... Like I literally sit beside my son and cannot figure out what question to ask that I have already asked. I mean how many times can you say..."It is hot." LOL. I have no idea what is happening locally.

I mean, ok, this isn't true all the time.  When I had the AEP girls staying over here, then yes, I talked to a lot of people about it. That was easy. On a trip, I can describe the hike. Fine.  I don't know.  I just can't think of things anymore. 

I think i used to be a lot better at conversation. To be honest, ever since Covid, I feel really, really awkward and like I've never gotten my groove back exactly. 

[TexasProud]

My mom and I only talked every 2 or 3 weeks and even then for maybe 15 minutes.  Well, until the year I took care of her. 

[Wheres Toto]

It sounds like you feel like even everyday conversation with your family must have a purpose, or you sit in silence. 

My whole family except maybe oldest dd, are a bunch of introverts.   We have no problem sitting together watching something on tv or just doing our own things quietly without it feeling awkward or weird.  But, we will also have conversations about really random stuff sometimes.   About work/school/friends but also weird things they may come up on the news or internet (we try and avoid politics because we all agree but it gets everyone riled up) or movies we want to go see or plays or just whatever comes to mind.  

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

I have had weeks and time over the last couple of years where I have tried to be quiet and still. 

I hate being quiet and still; my husband hates it more than me. We are never really quiet and still. We have hobbies up the wazoo which keeps us super busy and small children that keep us busy. That's OK too. You just have to come to terms with it and know that things are going to fall on the wayside if you are quiet and still (lack of "productivity") and things are going to fall on the wayside if you are busy and tackling things (your schedule is not flexible). You always have to choose to miss out on something so own those decisions.

You are not in fact lost, you know exactly where you want to go and are going there. Right now you want to spend time with your family and loved ones, and go on trips. It is what you center your life around and everything else only happens if it can happen around that. Just own this decision and you will no longer be lost. 

 

[marbel]

1 minute ago, Wheres Toto said:

It sounds like you feel like even everyday conversation with your family must have a purpose, or you sit in silence. 

My whole family except maybe oldest dd, are a bunch of introverts.   We have no problem sitting together watching something on tv or just doing our own things quietly without it feeling awkward or weird.  But, we will also have conversations about really random stuff sometimes.   About work/school/friends but also weird things they may come up on the news or internet (we try and avoid politics because we all agree but it gets everyone riled up) or movies we want to go see or plays or just whatever comes to mind.  

We are pretty similar, including the daughter who is the only one who is somewhat extroverted. But everyone has stuff to share when we are together: funny stories about work, or what my kids and their friends are doing. I talk about the birds at the feeders and the flowers, or if the neighborhood fox came through the yard. We'll share videos we found online, or photos we took of interesting things: my daughter's roommate's cat, interesting rocks or trees or whatever someone saw on a hike. We rarely have serious conversations among the 4 of us. We reminisce about trips we took and talk about places we'd like to go. We don't ban phones at the table, so sometimes we'll all sort of start scrolling in unison and then we share something we found, and that'll lead to a different topic. We talk about baseball in season; though my daughter is not interested, her boyfriend is, so she can participate somewhat and she at least pretends to enjoy it for a few minutes. 💗

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Clarita said:

 

You are not in fact lost, you know exactly where you want to go and are going there. Right now you want to spend time with your family and loved ones, and go on trips. It is what you center your life around and everything else only happens if it can happen around that. Just own this decision and you will no longer be lost. 

 

Then why don't I feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose?  I mean I can own it, but that doesn't mean I am going to feel the way I SHOULD feel.  I literally feel like an untethered balloon.  Ok, I made the choices to get here. I get that. You guys keep saying "own it." What the heck does that even mean???????????

[fairfarmhand]

I bought a couple sets of conversation cards. Mine are from Jon Delaney and are called questions for humans. They just get people started. I pull them out in groups and parties. 

[TexasProud]

I wish I knew how to talk like that.  Which BTW, that IS the way my husband's family is when we are there.  That is probably why the kids like it there better. Yes, lots of talking, banter, etc.  But here. Nope. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

I bought a couple sets of conversation cards. Mine are from Jon Delaney and are called questions for humans. They just get people started. I pull them out in groups and parties. 

Thanks. I will look into it.  I mean groups are relatively easy.  You just ask good questions. At gatherings I can do ok. Sometimes have fun.  Though not always. At the ladies retreat, i struggled when I wasn't teaching.  I just felt an otherness...hard to explain.  But maybe I should get the cards for here at home. 

[TexasProud]

22 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

It sounds like you feel like even everyday conversation with your family must have a purpose, or you sit in silence. 

 

No. I don't feel that way.  Boy, does anyone else remember how we used to talk on the phone for HOURS as a teenager/young adult? 

I just have absolutely nothing to say.  I mean I have already asked my oldest about his day. He will sometimes come up with some tidbit to discuss about politics or the latest movie or something.  I guess I feel like it should happen naturally.  I know that  I was able to talk, but somewhere in the last... I am just not sure, but my world is more digital than real in a way. I guess.  I don't know. I just don't even have the desire to enter into conversations with real people sometimes.  Sometimes in the last week, my daughter, son and husband are chatting away and I am thinking about the conversation on here....  

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Then why don't I feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose?  I mean I can own it, but that doesn't mean I am going to feel the way I SHOULD feel.  I literally feel like an untethered balloon.  Ok, I made the choices to get here. I get that. You guys keep saying "own it." What the heck does that even mean???????????

To me, owning my choices means to actively acknowledge and accept that I CHOSE to do X because of whatever reasons, and that the reality of life is that doing X precludes me from doing Y. It is necessary to come to peace. I wasn't forced to do X against my will. I had agency.

Just to give an example: I made the career-ending decision to stay home for a few years and then work only part-time while raising kids. It has life-long consequences for my income and retirement which I could feel unhappy about. I could fret and wish I had chosen differently. By acknowledging that I made the decision freely, and that it gave our family a life with less stress and more time together, I can own the decision and be at peace - rather than being sad that I didn't get to have the career I might have had. (Or not -you never know how things will turn out).

It's like this with every choice. I had a difficult time emigrating to another continent and leaving my culture, language, friends, family. I could bemoan this. Or I can realize that, albeit difficult,  it was a choice I made, and that we made a good life here, and can be at peace with it.

On a smaller scale: I can go hiking OR I can go kayaking. I can pick one, and then I will be fully in the moment and focus on what I do, and not think that maybe I should have done the other. Being PRESENT with your choice is owning it.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

To me, owning my choices means to actively acknowledge and accept that I CHOSE to do X because of whatever reasons, and that the reality of life is that doing X precludes me from doing Y. It is necessary to come to peace. I wasn't forced to do X against my will. I had agency.

Just to give an example: I made the career-ending decision to stay home for a few years and then work only part-time while raising kids. It has life-long consequences for my income and retirement which I could feel unhappy about. I could fret and wish I had chosen differently. By acknowledging that I made the decision freely, and that it gave our family a life with less stress and more time together, I can own the decision and be at peace - rather than being sad that I didn't get to have the career I might have had. (Or not -you never know how things will turn out).

It's like this with every choice. I had a difficult time emigrating to another continent and leaving my culture, language, friends, family. I could bemoan this. Or I can realize that, albeit difficult,  it was a choice I made, and that we made a good life here, and can be at peace with it.

On a smaller scale: I can go hiking OR I can go kayaking. I can pick one, and then I will be fully in the moment and focus on what I do, and not think that maybe I should have done the other. Being PRESENT with your choice is owning it.

I have agency.  I will be in the moment.  But I am still sad. sometimes. like today. not all the time. 

[marbel]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No. I don't feel that way.  Boy, does anyone else remember how we used to talk on the phone for HOURS as a teenager/young adult? 

I just have absolutely nothing to say.  I mean I have already asked my oldest about his day. He will sometimes come up with some tidbit to discuss about politics or the latest movie or something.  I guess I feel like it should happen naturally.  I know that  I was able to talk, but somewhere in the last... I am just not sure, but my world is more digital than real in a way. I guess.  I don't know. I just don't even have the desire to enter into conversations with real people sometimes.  Sometimes in the last week, my daughter, son and husband are chatting away and I am thinking about the conversation on here....  

The bolded feels like a bit of a red flag to me and worth exploring. I have nothing against virtual friendships - I have a group of friends with whom I feel quite close though I've never met them in person, we chat by text daily - but if you'd rather be here than present with your family (if I interpret you correctly, I seem often to miss the mark on that) seems like a sign that taking a break from this place would be a good idea for you and your relationships. 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

The bolded feels like a bit of a red flag to me and worth exploring. I have nothing against virtual friendships - I have a group of friends with whom I feel quite close though I've never met them in person, we chat by text daily - but if you'd rather be here than present with your family (if I interpret you correctly, I seem often to miss the mark on that) seems like a sign that taking a break from this place would be a good idea for you and your relationships. 

Probably true, if I can make myself.  Also probably why I feel better on mission trips and RV trips as I am rarely online.  Although if I am in this kind of a mood, I will be thinking about me anyway regardless of whether or not I posted here. I will be composing stuff to y'all and imagining I am talking to you even if I never post. 

[lauraw4321]

I always resonate with your posts a lot. I am younger than you, but I feel a lot in common with you when you post.

I have started working on contemplative prayer (which is very much like meditating). It was described to me as "wasting time with God." I'm reading some Thomas Merton and John Mark Comer. It's hard. It is very difficult to still my mind. Yet, it is the part of my day I look the most forward to now. I haven't had any massive supernatural experiences, but I do feel more peace. I did have a thought out of nowhere while praying today that I might consider a prompting by the Holy Spirit. The first time that's happened and I've been practicing this for awhile. 

I had to give up choir for awhile, but I've jumped back in and basically insist on this "selfish" time because it is a way to stop my brain and to worship that I cannot achieve in any other way. Could you alternate between Christmas with MIL and Christmas at home? So that you can participate at least every other year?

Exercise is also non-negotiable for me. It does quiet my brain and those overwhelming thoughts. Even if it is a "selfish" use of time.

On the conversation thing - try to do a meta analysis. When you're in a setting where you observe conversation flow freely (like with your inlaws) try to pay attention and notice why. I have often felt that "other"-ness you describe, and so I try to study those humans who are good at human-ing, and just copy them. It's how I learned that it's important to smile at people. It's how I learned how to be helpful when staying at someone's home. Or how to be helpful when someone has a new baby. 

I find that I struggle more with my mental health when I am on social media a lot. Don't know if that's an issue with you. Even this board can be a problem at times.

Just some random thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, lauraw4321 said:

I always resonate with your posts a lot. I am younger than you, but I feel a lot in common with you when you post.

I have started working on contemplative prayer (which is very much like meditating). It was described to me as "wasting time with God." I'm reading some Thomas Merton and John Mark Comer. It's hard. It is very difficult to still my mind. Yet, it is the part of my day I look the most forward to now. I haven't had any massive supernatural experiences, but I do feel more peace. I did have a thought out of nowhere while praying today that I might consider a prompting by the Holy Spirit. The first time that's happened and I've been practicing this for awhile. 

I had to give up choir for awhile, but I've jumped back in and basically insist on this "selfish" time because it is a way to stop my brain and to worship that I cannot achieve in any other way. Could you alternate between Christmas with MIL and Christmas at home? So that you can participate at least every other year?

Exercise is also non-negotiable for me. It does quiet my brain and those overwhelming thoughts. Even if it is a "selfish" use of time.

On the conversation thing - try to do a meta analysis. When you're in a setting where you observe conversation flow freely (like with your inlaws) try to pay attention and notice why. I have often felt that "other"-ness you describe, and so I try to study those humans who are good at human-ing, and just copy them. It's how I learned that it's important to smile at people. It's how I learned how to be helpful when staying at someone's home. Or how to be helpful when someone has a new baby. 

I find that I struggle more with my mental health when I am on social media a lot. Don't know if that's an issue with you. Even this board can be a problem at times.

Just some random thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you laura!

I am doing a lot of lectio divina and stuff that Summer Joy Gross does and she mentions Merton and talks about starting with 10 minutes of stillness. 

Yes, I might be able to alternate.  We will see what is going on. But maybe my daughter is in a big Christmas show or something.  

Yes, exercise. I do that daily.

See the doing is fine. I unload and load the dishwasher at my MIL's house, clear the dinner table for people, hold a baby, etc.  That isn't the issue.  I ALWAYS smile in real life. Like there is never a time when I don't...well, I guess at a funeral I make sure I look somber. 

Yeah, I have pretty much dropped facebook and instagram and I never really "scrolled" them.  Now this forum is a completely other matter.  But if I didn't do that, I would just look up conflict avoidant or why don't I feel love for my children or whatever in incognito mode.  So even if I didn't scroll here, I would just scroll about what is wrong with me. 

[TexasProud]

Also, I am curious. One reason I enjoyed singing so much was imagining myself being on stage and pretending to be Julie Andrews or whatever. I would practice in church by myself for hours pretending to be in front of the congregation.  But I have had too much experience and know that I will never be those people. That I will get nervous and screw up and that really, I hate performing.  Like literally, I am asking myself why I did I agree to this....  Then I nitpick myslef for days afterwards...  So yeah, singing just isn't fun anymore. I can't make my voice sound the way I used to.  

I don't know.  Just rambling, but wonder if I avoid it because I am no longer good at it. 

[TexasProud]

Spoiler alerts for This is Us if you care. 

 

And since I am just rambling.... one scene really resonated with me in This is Us.  Kevin shows up at Sophie's door drunk saying something like he has looked into the future and he would be a terrible husband and father.  That he is always playing a part. He isn't real inside.  ( I feel like that a lot.) He could play at being a good husband.   And then later in that episode he finally decides to ask for help and goes to Randall's house and begins and he says, "I know. Kate's baby died."  So he never shares what he was going to share.

I cannot tell you the amount of times that has happened to me.  I am ready to ask for help, share something and it is some serious crisis. 

Anyway, I just though...yeah Kevin, I get you.  I mean I really hope I am not that narcissistic and make it all about me like he does, and I try very, very very hard by always choosing the other person's point of view and preference and what they want.  But yeah, I get it. 

Edited August 19 by TexasProud

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Then why don't I feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose?  I mean I can own it, but that doesn't mean I am going to feel the way I SHOULD feel.  I literally feel like an untethered balloon.  Ok, I made the choices to get here. I get that. You guys keep saying "own it." What the heck does that even mean???????????

You may not feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose, but owning it means you aren't an untethered balloon. You are a tethered balloon; the things you have tethered yourself doesn't make you feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose right now. I say right now because I think there are moments in the bigger present where these things do make you feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose. Even if a person in general feels these things doesn't mean they feel these things every moment of everyday. 

I'm not suggesting a magic pill or a magic planner or a magic mantra to make you feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose. 

If I am wrong that there aren't moments in your current (not today but in general) life that you feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose then you should look at the things you have tethered yourself to. Maybe untether yourself from those things and find other things that at least in some (or most) moments let you feel that way.  

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I try very, very very hard by always choosing the other person's point of view and preference and what they want.  

Do you realize that this is not virtuous but really very unhealthy?

(No idea who Kevin is)

[TexasProud]

 

Just now, Clarita said:

 

If I am wrong that there aren't moments in your current (not today but in general) life that you feel happy, content, peaceful, joyful and with purpose then you should look at the things you have tethered yourself to. Maybe untether yourself from those things and find other things that at least in some (or most) moments let you feel that way.  

I have tethered myself to my family.  Everyone says that you will regret the time you didn't spend with the people you love.. (Well, mine are family anyway. I haven't felt love for a very long time.)  So that is what I am doing. Supposedly, on my deathbed I won't care that I was in a musical but the time I missed with those I loved.  So I am putting in that time.   I mean, I should enjoy being with my children, right?  I should like being with my husband? 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Do you realize that this is not virtuous but really very unhealthy?

(No idea who Kevin is)

Yeah, but as you can tell by this post alone, if left to my own devices it will all be about me, me, me.  I want to talk about me, me, me.  But that is not the right duty filled thing to do.  You sing for the audience of one.  Yeah... I want the applause.  So better for menot to. 

[wintermom]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

No, I got burned out of being a children's choir director at our church for 20 years and then teaching music at a private school for 5 years. ...

But yes, singing is probably my joy.  It was when I was a kid. That is for sure. 

Why not just sing for the love of it. No one is saying that you need to lead a choir or teach. Just join a choir and sing for fun. When you sing for others you are giving. That could be your ministry for a while.

Edited August 19 by wintermom

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, wintermom said:

Why not just sing for the love of it. No one is saying that you need to lead a choir or teach. Just join a choir and sing for fun. When you sing for others you are giving. That could be your ministry for a while.

Honestly, I am not sure I want to anymore to be honest. It doesn't bring me joy anymore. 

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 

(No idea who Kevin is)

From the tv show This is Us... I said that at the beginning and that it was an episode from that tv show.  He is a main character in the show. 

[TexasProud]

Ok..not sure what to do right now.  I have finished my video which was my only goal for today.  Other than that I have been online. I should probably get off.  But do what???  Hubby will be out working on his solar system for another 3 hours or so.  My daughter is at a doctor's appointment and was going to do some shopping...  Son just got off the phone with his psychiatrist.  Not sure what he will do now... See this is where I feel paralyzed.  And I go wander to my husband or my son and the conversation goes nowhere and so I wander back...  But I know I should probably be offline. 

[wintermom]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, I am not sure I want to anymore to be honest. It doesn't bring me joy anymore. 

Maybe because after childhood, it's become 'work' and you are choosing music and a method of singing that is more about 'work' and 'doing for others' rather than singing because it feels good. I know that busting out of your Christian lifestyle is likely not going to be popular, but as an experiment you could explore some different genres of singing that you've not tried before. 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Why not just sing for the love of it. No one is saying that you need to lead a choir or teach. Just join a choir and sing for fun. When you sing for others you are giving. That could be your ministry for a while.

 

Just now, wintermom said:

Maybe because after childhood, it's become 'work' and you are choosing music and a method of singing that is more about 'work' and 'doing for others' rather than singing because it feels good. I know that busting out of your Christian lifestyle is likely not going to be popular, but as an experiment you could explore some different genres of singing that you've not tried before. 

I have sung in my choir LOTS over the last years. Whenever I am in town.  I am going tomorrow.  It isn't like I am not singing at all. And LOL..... I sing musical theatre, jazz, pop, country, etc...  LOL... people assume all I listen to or sing is Christian.  Nope.  My list is very ecclectic.  I also have classical music lists.   But the truth is, I enjoyed it because of the fantasy element that I could be Julie Andrews or Barbara Streisand or Amy Grant or Madonna.  The truth is I will never be those people so the fantasy falls flat and it just isn't fun...  Not sure if that makes sense. 

[wintermom]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have sung in my choir LOTS over the last years. Whenever I am in town.  I am going tomorrow.  It isn't like I am not singing at all. And LOL..... I sing musical theatre, jazz, pop, country, etc...  LOL... people assume all I listen to or sing is Christian.  Nope.  My list is very ecclectic.  I also have classical music lists.   But the truth is, I enjoyed it because of the fantasy element that I could be Julie Andrews or Barbara Streisand or Amy Grant or Madonna.  The truth is I will never be those people so the fantasy falls flat and it just isn't fun...  Not sure if that makes sense. 

Have you lost your imagination, or just too tired to use it? There are a ton of different fantisies you could think up. You could still be Julie or Barbara, BTW. 😉 

[TexasProud]

And I am getting a few itchy blister things. Some on my hands. Some on my legs.  Weird...

[wintermom]

Just now, TexasProud said:

And I am getting a few itchy blister things. Some on my hands. Some on my legs.  Weird...

Poison ivy or oak? 

[TexasProud]

Just now, wintermom said:

Have you lost your imagination, or just too tired to use it? There are a ton of different fantisies you could think up. You could still be Julie or Barbara, BTW. 😉 

I don't know, but to me fantasies have to really be able to happen.  I really thought I would be the next Julie Andrews, Amy Grant or Barbara Streisand. (I didn't want to limit myself. LOL..  So i thought maybe I would write a few Christian songs, go pop and perform on Broadway...   So stupid.  I thought I was so talented.  Everyone told me I was and then I wnt to college and went.... um I have almost no talent.  "Regular" non music majors were more talented than I was.  So... teaching it was. But I couldn't even make it as a music ed major and changed to secondary ed. 

[wintermom]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I don't know, but to me fantasies have to really be able to happen.  I really thought I would be the next Julie Andrews, Amy Grant or Barbara Streisand. (I didn't want to limit myself. LOL..  So i thought maybe I would write a few Christian songs, go pop and perform on Broadway...   So stupid.  I thought I was so talented.  Everyone told me I was and then I wnt to college and went.... um I have almost no talent.  "Regular" non music majors were more talented than I was.  So... teaching it was. But I couldn't even make it as a music ed major and changed to secondary ed. 

That's not what I consider a fantasy. That's a life goal. A fantasy is just for fun. A thought experiment. It can be crazy, because it makes no difference at all whether it comes true or not, it's just fun to do. That's what children do, and many adults forget how to do.

[Melissa Louise]

I was a bit like you in how I used these forums. It was unhealthy. From the perspective of owning that unhealthy use, and not from a position of moral superiority -

You are content  with this dynamic of periodically using this place to reassure yourself that there really isn't a solution to how awful things are for you, and with that reassurance that you truly have no good options, you feel better for a time, having discharged your negativity into the community.

It can be very comfortable to sit in our victimhood, even as we decry it. 

It can be extremely hard work to become an active agent in one's life, and to develop psychological maturity, which is what someone like regentrude is modelling for you in her responses.

It is infinitely more rewarding to begin a process of learning psychological maturity, than it is to repeat the patterns of emotional discharge and reassurance seeking. Ask me how I know. 

Please seek therapy. The kind that involves a face to face relationship with another, where you can feel soothed when you really need it, but where that trusted other will also challenge and push back on your dysfunctional thinking and feeling. 

The Hive is no substitute for therapy, and your pattern of using the women here borders on unethical, imo. 

 

 

 

 

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I was a bit like you in how I used these forums. It was unhealthy. From the perspective of owning that unhealthy use, and not from a position of moral superiority -

 

Please seek therapy. The kind that involves a face to face relationship with another, where you can feel soothed when you really need it, but where that trusted other will also challenge and push back on your dysfunctional thinking and feeling. 

Not a single and I mean a single has ever challenged my thinking. I have been to 5 of them.  I go, expecting them to challenge me and they never, ever do.  You guys are the only ones that have ever challenged me in my entire life. 

[Clarita]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Supposedly, on my deathbed I won't care that I was in a musical but the time I missed with those I loved.  So I am putting in that time.   I mean, I should enjoy being with my children, right?  I should like being with my husband?

At this point, if we were talking in real life I've been pursing my lips because I believe I'm younger than you, because I'd be afraid that what I have to say might be (should be) something you know already.

Do you think this is true? I can tell you with certainty this is not true for my mom. Now that her daughter is a grown woman and no longer a child, her regret is how much time she spent raising a child. She would have felt much more fulfilled if she did pursue a career in something else. (Don't be sad for me. I know my mom and I know she loves me but being a mom is not what she wanted to do.) 

You have to know enough people and women to know that not everyone feels fulfilled spending their entire lives just being there for the people they love. 

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, wintermom said:

That's not what I consider a fantasy. That's a life goal. A fantasy is just for fun. A thought experiment. It can be crazy, because it makes no difference at all whether it comes true or not, it's just fun to do. That's what children do, and many adults forget how to do.

Yeah, I don't think I ever did that.  My dad said I was born old.  I don't think I have ever did something just because it was fun...  My fantasies consisted of speaking what I wanted to say, sitting my parents down and getting them to hear the heart of each other, soothing my dad, etc.   So I guess I have never fantasized.  I never dreamed about my wedding day.  I just prepared when it came.  I take whatever life throws at me and I deal with it.