Arcadia Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 1 hour ago, Danae said: What’s happening is that a young women declined to follow the script your son had in is head for her and it disgruntled him enough that he was still thinking about it a week later. I don’t think OP’s son is disgruntled. He is probably just curious since he is halfway across the country from where he grew up. Where I live, behaviors differ even between cities. Even at the community college campus that my teens attended, the possibility of getting the door slammed in your face can be location dependent. When we relocated here 19 years ago, we people watched and adapted accordingly. Even with a double stroller then, the people who held the door open for me were predominantly males. Luckily, most places I went to had the handicap button to press for swing doors. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 1 hour ago, Danae said: What’s happening is that a young women declined to follow the script your son had in is head for her and it disgruntled him enough that he was still thinking about it a week later. He should let it go. “Script”? He was just doing a usually culturally accepted thing to be polite. “Disgruntled”? Hardly. We were making small talk on the phone and he mentioned it. He brought up that he realized he was a good bit in front of her, but had already turned to see her walking, so he decided to hold the door. He described it as a bit awkward, and I just couldn’t see why the girl needed to say that. She’s allowed; I get it. But my son wasn’t running a script nor was he disgruntled. There is so much reaching in some of the responses. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 Thanks. You can discuss further, but I think I’ll bow out. I don’t see any point in keeping this going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeainUSA Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 Nothing is happening. Random encounter. Million reasons why she said what she said, most of which have nothing to do directly with your son or some stance on men or 'southern manners". 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 1 hour ago, Corraleno said: I think everyone agrees that letting the door slam in the face of a person who is right behind you is rude, but lots of people in this thread have said that holding the door for someone who is so far back that the door-holder has to stand there and wait for them is awkward and makes them feel rushed and uncomfortable. How is it a "kindness" and a "courtesy" to make someone feel awkward and rushed? And why would someone expect to be thanked, or even apologized to, for "going out of their way" to do something that made the other person uncomfortable? I was just commenting on the general practice of holding a door. If she was too far behind him I can see her being annoyed but she did not have to express her annoyance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatfirstsip Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 2 hours ago, Danae said: What’s happening is that a young women declined to follow the script your son had in is head for her and it disgruntled him enough that he was still thinking about it a week later. He should let it go. This is better said than I said it. OP, do you not think gender had anything to do with either of their actions, or their experiences of the interaction? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatfirstsip Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 38 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said: “Script”? He was just doing a usually culturally accepted thing to be polite. “Disgruntled”? Hardly. We were making small talk on the phone and he mentioned it. He brought up that he realized he was a good bit in front of her, but had already turned to see her walking, so he decided to hold the door. He described it as a bit awkward, and I just couldn’t see why the girl needed to say that. She’s allowed; I get it. But my son wasn’t running a script nor was he disgruntled. There is so much reaching in some of the responses. Of course he was running a script; he found her reaction a surprise (and you at least found it an unwelcome surprise). If she'd said "thanks," or said nothing, he wouldn't have been surprised or mentioned it to you, because that would have met his expectation for her behavior. Being ungrateful was a surprise; it didn't fit his expectation. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said: ...He brought up that he realized he was a good bit in front of her, but had already turned to see her walking, so he decided to hold the door. He described it as a bit awkward, and I just couldn’t see why the girl needed to say that. She’s allowed; I get it. .... There is so much reaching in some of the responses. I think many of us see "reaching" in your tendency to see this as an attack on your son / a nasty statement about whatever your son did. Strangers come into our lives with backgrounds we don't know about (neurological differences, trauma, etc.), which express in ways that seem illogical or impolite to us. It's OK. This is what "moving on" is for. Maybe it would be helpful to run it through some screens. Does he have a history or a future with this person? Did her words/actions cause any actual harm to him? Can he learn anything positive from this experience? If the answer to these is "no," then it's long past time to move on. We used to have sayings for times like this, like, "who peed in her Wheaties?" Meaning, she seems to have some issues, but I'm not going to make them my issues. Edited July 2 by SKL 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 I think it was a discussion about whether woman are annoyed or offended by someone/a man holding he door. I think it would have been plenty to say the problem was the distance she was from the door. No need to be so hard on @Indigo Blue 😞 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 I think this is just one of those encounters with another human that was kinda awkward, the way many encounters with humans are kinda awkward. It's always kind of a judgment call....is this person too far away for me holding the door to be more of a hinderance than a help? But I already turned and looked at her; it would be awkward NOT to hold the door. I don't think anyone did anything wrong in this scenario. It's a judgment call that people make all the time, and sometimes we think someone is closer than they are, and then we realize they're further away, and you're standing there holding the door for awhile and it feels weird and you go, "Oh, I probably shouldn't have held it?" Nobody did anything wrong. Holding doors for people is nice. Sometimes doing so makes things more awkward because a person needs to hurry, or thinks you were rude if you didn't hold the door but you looked at them, or sometimes they think that door holding is a prelude to other social interaction. And people aren't always the most articulate when flustered. Sometimes we're all just kinda goofy and awkward. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 The hallway in my house is ten paces for my short self, and that would be awkwardly long unless the person was using a walker or pushing a stroller. You said he recognized her as an intern, so it sounds like they work for the same place. Twenty paces is quite long and it definitely might have made her think he was waiting for her, in particular (hence mumbling you didn't have to do that versus brightly exclaiming thank you so much!). Or she was just a little embarrassed that he's holding the door open, and she's walking and walking and walking, lol. I don't think anything is happening. It was just one of those random encounters. 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 You know what else is super awkward with door holding? When you hold the door for someone a few paces away who looks like they’re coming in and then last minute they go a totally different direction! Basically door-holding is a social etiquette situation fraught with challenges 😂😂 4 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 (edited) 12 hours ago, Kassia said: I live in Ohio too and seems like everyone holds doors open for others. In fact, it was so common at the community college where my dd attended for DE that we joked that door holding was part of the admission process - you wouldn't be accepted if you weren't a door-holder. It was bizarre how everyone did it - even when someone was far behind them and then it was just awkward because you'd have to hurry to the door so the person holding it wasn't too inconvenienced waiting for you. I noticed in my local university that when I was walking around with a baby in a stroller (dh worked on campus part-time) the students were very, very polite about holding the door for me. In the shopping centre with middle-aged men, not at all. Those older guys were in a world of their own. 😌 Edited July 3 by wintermom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 I just did 20 paces in my house and I gotta say that is a long ways. I am thinking @Indigo Blue ds is wrong about that. The obvious next step is for him to retrace his steps and count his steps and report back to his mom who can then report to us. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 5 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I just did 20 paces in my house and I gotta say that is a long ways. I am thinking @Indigo Blue ds is wrong about that. The obvious next step is for him to retrace his steps and count his steps and report back to his mom who can then report to us. That seems like a LOT of work for a fairly light thread on the hive. We can gossip about door holding culture without exact measurements. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 11 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I just did 20 paces in my house and I gotta say that is a long ways. I am thinking @Indigo Blue ds is wrong about that. The obvious next step is for him to retrace his steps and count his steps and report back to his mom who can then report to us. Or….next time he could just notice her walking behind him, keep going and close the door, stand and wait, and suddenly fling it open just as she approaches it. 😂😂 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 2 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said: Or….next time he could just notice her walking behind him, keep going and close the door, stand and wait, and suddenly fling it open just as she approaches it. 😂😂 lol I love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 13 minutes ago, Terabith said: That seems like a LOT of work for a fairly light thread on the hive. We can gossip about door holding culture without exact measurements. Lol well I was joking. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 1 hour ago, Scarlett said: I just did 20 paces in my house and I gotta say that is a long ways. I am thinking @Indigo Blue ds is wrong about that. The obvious next step is for him to retrace his steps and count his steps and report back to his mom who can then report to us. Exactly! How can we be expected to have a serious discussion about this when our initial premise is unclear??! 😂 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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