How do you deal with big hurt feelings between two kids who both live with you?

[saraha]

Two of my kids have always had a strained relationship. One kid is definitely at fault as everyone can see but them. Therese two kids were both home for the weekend and got into a really big fight. They are in college and come home some weekends and will both be here over the summer. 
one kid has moved on, the other kid feels like it was the straw that broke the camel’s back and really wants to limit/cut ties. Right now, I am trying to rearrange the house so that the troublesome kid can have their own room for the summer, but other kid has made mumbling about not being able to live together.

I am at a loss for what to do. They won’t see each other til Easter. The one kid who is actually talking to me about it is just so hurt and said they would be cordial. The other kid will not engage with me about it. If they both didn’t have to live at home, I would be more inclined to let it play out, but since neither are ready to live independently, I need to broker some kind of peace. 
 

Any advice and all prayers welcome. This is one of the things I was asking prayer for but it’s getting worse instead of better.

Edited March 15 by saraha

[SKL]

I agree with having them sleep in different (locking) rooms so they can walk away before things erupt.

It might be good if their summer jobs were on different schedules, so they didn't have to cross each other's paths too often.  Or they could study at the library or or whatever if they don't want to be around someone at home during waking hours.

Let them know that it's your house, and you expect both of them to be respectful to everyone in your house.  They don't have to agree, but they aren't allowed to make things hard for everyone else.

Other than just trying to be the adult in the room when either of them is being unreasonable, and praying ....

[Tenaj]

I would stay out of it unless it directly affects you once they are both home at the same time.  Their relationship is not your responsibility.  If they choose to let it affect the others in the house then I would step in and explain that their relationship is between them but that if they can't control themselves they are welcome to make other arrangements for their room and board.

I had two who were having difficulty for a while - I don't know what it was about and it has disappeared but I was very glad that my husband and I did not get involved.  I know as mothers we want all of our kids to get along but once they are adults - that is up to them, not us.

[mommyoffive]

Counseling? 

[saraha]

25 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Counseling? 

I suggested that to the one talking to me about it, they were reservedly open to it given the others ability to convincingly play the victim card.

[mommyoffive]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

I suggested that to the one talking to me about it, they were reservedly open to it given the others ability to convincingly play the victim card.

I think it would probably be super helpful for that kid.  Having someone outside of the family to talk to about it would be a great thing.

[Bambam]

My oldest was so unpleasant before she left for college. Mean and ugly to everyone. We just tolerated it as she was leaving soon, BUT ... I didn't think far enough ahead because it was bad over Christmas, and we were dreading summer. 

So, I just told her that this was our house, she was a family member, but she had to treat all of us respectfully and not cause trouble and help out with chores. I'm not sure what we would have done if she hadn't done that, but neither I nor my youngest dd were going to put up with that nastiness. Oldest did have a job 2-3 days/week, so that was very helpful. 

So, I'd just explain that they need to be respectful and nice to all the people/family who live in that house.  Period. If you (talking to child) are having trouble, you can get a job outside the house and that will keep you busy so you have less time to tolerate the ones you don't like.  And you are not allowed to try to convince other family members to take your side. 

BTW, oldest dd finally came to her senses and apologized and became a sweet girl again. It took a while though. 
 

[KungFuPanda]

Are they both under your insurance? Can you arrange some counseling sessions in lieu of rent? (I know you probably don’t charge rent). It’s your home and you deserve to live in piece. Also it’s in everyone’s best interest to resolve these issues because the next step is estrangement and picking sides for holidays. 

[HomeAgain]

I think you really have to decide what is in your power. 

Behavioral expectations in your home are in your power.  You can set them, enforce them, and nip things in the bud by being extra watchful.

Listening, and offering advice if wanted, is in your power.  They each may need an ear and someone to restate the facts non-emotionally.

Getting them over the hurt or developing their relationship is not in your power. You can't do much there because so much has to happen internally.

 

I don't have a great relationship with one sibling.  My mom would brush things aside or minimize real hurts in favor of trying to get us to be peaceful and happy.  We haven't talked in 30 years now because that particular relationship was not worth it to me to keep being a part of.

 

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I think you really have to decide what is in your power. 

Behavioral expectations in your home are in your power.  You can set them, enforce them, and nip things in the bud by being extra watchful.

Listening, and offering advice if wanted, is in your power.  They each may need an ear and someone to restate the facts non-emotionally.

Getting them over the hurt or developing their relationship is not in your power. You can't do much there because so much has to happen internally.

 

I don't have a great relationship with one sibling.  My mom would brush things aside or minimize real hurts in favor of trying to get us to be peaceful and happy.  We haven't talked in 30 years now because that particular relationship was not worth it to me to keep being a part of.

 

All excellent points. 

One thing I will add, based on watching former foster kids struggle through something right now. 

If there is a one sibling who is clearly in the wrong, SAY SO unequivocally. Consider putting it in writing--briefly and in short form--so that it doesn't get clouded up by a lot of talk and rationalizing. 

Remaining neutral only helps the one in the wrong. I am not suggesting to stir up constant daily drama. But make sure that the child who has been wronged knows for absolutely certain that they are believed and supported, and make sure that the child who did the wrong is well aware that you are disappointed with their hurtful choice. It can be helpful, too, to make it clear that you will be so proud and pleased when genuine efforts are made to take responsibility and restore broken trust. 

Then let it go and focus on the day to day peace as best you can.

[fraidycat]

Tell the one in the wrong that they need to make amends. Or, they are welcome to find other living arrangements for the summer.

[gardenmom5]

the one who caused the issue needs to take responsibility.  I guarantee, they haven't "moved on" so much as they don't see themself as having done anything wrong.  If this isn't dealt with now - it will likely just get worse.  If not this, then something else.  

[gardenmom5]

21 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

I 

 

I don't have a great relationship with one sibling.  My mom would brush things aside or minimize real hurts in favor of trying to get us to be peaceful and happy.  We haven't talked in 30 years now because that particular relationship was not worth it to me to keep being a part of.

 

yeah.  I stopped talking to my sister, and didn't talk to her again until AFTER our mother died.  Only because I realized OUR MOTHER was the biggest obstacle to any relationship.