Vent: Everytime I think they're adulting, they're not.

[SHP]

I think I have mentioned here in the past about kitchen hours and closing it after X time. That means after, say 10pm, the kitchen is off limits. My insanely cheap dishwasher that is falling apart has a delay start so if I am going to bed before it is closing time I add the pod, set the delay start and walk away. People can still stuff dishes in it, but it will start and be clean in the morning. 

I admit that I can be a dick when it comes to the kitchen because I clean the kitchen every night before relaxing. The rest of the house gets daily spot cleaning, the kitchen gets a nightly cleaning. Counters, stove, sink, sweeping, mopping. After closing time if someone is hungry they can go someplace still serving food, pay a mint for delivery or deal with poor planning and do without until breakfast. If I have to clean before I can make breakfast/caffeine heads will roll.

This is my hill to die on.

[SHP]

1 minute ago, Brittany1116 said:

I have never had a dishwasher with lights. Nor have my mother or mother-in-law. I don't know about all my sisters, but the one I saw at Thanksgiving didn't, either. 

Weird. I assumed that since the bottom of the barrel non name brand dishwasher that is falling apart after a couple years (the bottom rack's pins have all broken off), needed duct tape to keep it from flooding (seriously) has lights that it would be standard. It is a brilliant feature. The word "clean" and a light that comes on next to it when It's clean. 

[teachermom2834]

I bristle at the thought of having a magnet that I have to switch back and forth because it is one of those things that is solving a problem I shouldn’t have. No one in my house should need the magnet to know the status of the dishwasher and I bristle at having to have one to solve the problem. And I suspect in my house it would just turn into me having to answer the dirty or clean question with “what does the magnet say?”

When I would vent on here about something ridiculous my dh or kids were doing to drive me nuts I wouldn’t necessarily like solutions to them being dumb. I just want them not to be dumb!

 

[gardenmom5]

38 minutes ago, SHP said:

I don't get the point of these. The dishwasher the store practically paid us to take has lights. There are lights during the cycle and there is a light next to the word "clean". People still have trouble. Why would a magnet, which is just another step for me, make a difference? Do they really work when lights do not? 

This magnet solution was suggested years ago. I bit the head off of the suggester for the above reasoning, it's more work for *me* and the thing already has LIGHTS built in that are always correct 

 

It's for people who don't unload the dishwasher as soon as it is clean.
Even my count-down clock quarter sized light (it's an arrow when complete), and beeps when done, will eventually shut off without being turned off.

[KSera]

25 minutes ago, SHP said:

I don't get the point of these. The dishwasher the store practically paid us to take has lights. There are lights during the cycle and there is a light next to the word "clean". People still have trouble. Why would a magnet, which is just another step for me, make a difference? Do they really work when lights do not? 

This magnet solution was suggested years ago. I bit the head off of the suggester for the above reasoning, it's more work for *me* and the thing already has LIGHTS built in that are always correct 

 

Well, in our house we have the problem of people getting a dish out of the clean dishwasher and closing it up again 😒. Which makes the clean light go out. Which is of course a people problem and not a dishwasher problem, but no one flips the clean/dirty sign until it’s actually unloaded, so it’s helpful for us. 

[Kassia]

I just put the dishwasher detergent on the counter on top of the dishwasher when it's running.  When the dishwasher cycle is done and the dishes have been emptied, the detergent goes back in the cabinet.  No detergent out means dishes are dirty.  Works for us.  We do have a light too, but it's tiny.  

[SHP]

4 hours ago, KSera said:

Well, in our house we have the problem of people getting a dish out of the clean dishwasher and closing it up again 😒. Which makes the clean light go out. Which is of course a people problem and not a dishwasher problem, but no one flips the clean/dirty sign until it’s actually unloaded, so it’s helpful for us. 

See, I don't see them turning the magnet around or even paying attention to it. 

 

The rule was empty the dishwasher if you are getting something out of it. Never happened. That is part of the reason for the closed kitchen. Either the husband or I empty it first thing in the morning to ensure it is done. That signals the kitchen is open. Not that anyone else is up at stupid o'clock in the morning. 

[SKL]

5 hours ago, SHP said:

I don't get the point of these. The dishwasher the store practically paid us to take has lights. There are lights during the cycle and there is a light next to the word "clean". People still have trouble. Why would a magnet, which is just another step for me, make a difference? Do they really work when lights do not? 

This magnet solution was suggested years ago. I bit the head off of the suggester for the above reasoning, it's more work for *me* and the thing already has LIGHTS built in that are always correct

The light goes out when someone opens the dishwasher to get a dish out.

People don't always have time to unload the whole dishwasher when they just need one item.

For example, suppose it's morning and I just need a spoon to mix my morning coffee in my travel mug before I run out the door.

I am sure that well-managed homes don't have this issue.  They never run out of spoons, so there's no need to ever look in the dishwasher for a clean one.  In reality, I don't have this problem because I always keep re-using and rinsing the same spoon for coffee, and this spoon is not the kind that others will swipe for their own purposes.  (Ditto my coffee mugs etc.)  If I lived alone, we wouldn't be having this conversation.  But I live with 4 other people, who all have their different schedules, quirks, etc.

Then again, I am the mom whose kids will take a clean garment out of the closet, decide not to wear it, throw it on the floor, and eventually put it back in the dirty laundry.  I hate to think what % of my washing is of clothes that were already clean.  I assume that forcing my kids to do their own laundry would mitigate this issue.  But then there would be other issues in its place.

[SKL]

9 minutes ago, SHP said:

See, I don't see them turning the magnet around or even paying attention to it.

I know that when we had a magnet, or a sticky note that actually stuck, people did use it.

[TravelingChris]

4 hours ago, KSera said:

Well, in our house we have the problem of people getting a dish out of the clean dishwasher and closing it up again 😒. Which makes the clean light go out. Which is of course a people problem and not a dishwasher problem, but no one flips the clean/dirty sign until it’s actually unloaded, so it’s helpful for us. 

This is me when I am brain foggy and in a flare.

[SHP]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

The light goes out when someone opens the dishwasher to get a dish out.

People don't always have time to unload the whole dishwasher when they just need one item.

For example, suppose it's morning and I just need a spoon to mix my morning coffee in my travel mug before I run out the door.

I am sure that well-managed homes don't have this issue.  They never run out of spoons, so there's no need to ever look in the dishwasher for a clean one.  In reality, I don't have this problem because I always keep re-using and rinsing the same spoon for coffee, and this spoon is not the kind that others will swipe for their own purposes.  (Ditto my coffee mugs etc.)  If I lived alone, we wouldn't be having this conversation.  But I live with 4 other people, who all have their different schedules, quirks, etc.

Then again, I am the mom whose kids will take a clean garment out of the closet, decide not to wear it, throw it on the floor, and eventually put it back in the dirty laundry.  I hate to think what % of my washing is of clothes that were already clean.  I assume that forcing my kids to do their own laundry would mitigate this issue.  But then there would be other issues in its place.

Household of 7, all but one formally ADHD and that one is just old enough not to be dx. No spare utensils, see my forks thread, I still haven't bought any more. I did find plates in the room of the uncle staying with us, guess who isn't dx with adhd. I prioritize a clean kitchen, including dishes so I make sure it is run every night and unloaded and put away every morning. Just like I choose to wipe all surfaces, sweep and mop the floor. This is a choice I make every day when I choose to not hit the snooze button and instead get up and unload the dishwasher. Or when my husband doesn't hit the snooze button and gets up and unloads it before work. 

Everyone prioritizes things differently. Some people, who are not me, wake up at 3am to work out. Some people choose to sleep in until the last minute. Some people forgo a second income so they can homeschooling their children. Some people choose private school instead of public. These are choices that reflect what we prioritize. I prioritize my sanity and starting each day with a clean kitchen. I do this by closing the kitchen at a set time. If all teens and adults cleaned up after themselves and left the kitchen in exactly the same condition they found it, it wouldn't be a problem. They don't. And everyone manages just fine for the few hours every night that the kitchen is off limits. I have raised three into adulthood and no one has yet to starve to death because they couldn't cook and eat a gourmet meal consisting of pizza rolls, nachos, and rootbeer at 2am.  Priorities. 

 

[LaughingCat]

We sometimes run dishwasher twice a day and sometimes once and sometimes not at all. The person who loads during the day is not the person who loads at night. It was causing pretty much daily problems- which (homemade) magnet works perfectly to fix.

only downside is dh refuses to use magnet (but he only loads maybe once a month & usually I’m the one unloading after and can figure it out)

[KSera]

2 hours ago, SHP said:

Household of 7, all but one formally ADHD and that one is just old enough not to be dx.

 

2 hours ago, SHP said:

I did find plates in the room of the uncle staying with us, guess who isn't dx with adhd. 

 

2 hours ago, SHP said:

Everyone prioritizes things differently. Some people, who are not me, wake up at 3am to work out. Some people choose to sleep in until the last minute. Some people forgo a second income so they can homeschooling their children. Some people choose private school instead of public. These are choices that reflect what we prioritize.

There are some people who have priorities that they very much want to do, and they still aren’t able, whether due to adhd or something else. One of mine is frustrated to all heck to not be able to do the things they prioritize and want to do. I don’t think it’s always about priorities (just as choosing public school over private isn’t all about priorities—it’s just not an option for some people, no matter how highly they prioritize education). 

[SHP]

1 minute ago, KSera said:

 

 

There are some people who have priorities that they very much want to do, and they still aren’t able, whether due to adhd or something else. One of mine is frustrated to all heck to not be able to do the things they prioritize and want to do. I don’t think it’s always about priorities (just as choosing public school over private isn’t all about priorities—it’s just not an option for some people, no matter how highly they prioritize education). 

I did not say it was easy. I said it was a choice.

There are strategies and medications to help, not all willcwork for everyone but that is not an excuse to do nothing. I spent *decades* trying everything everyone said and being gaslighted about all the things I tried that didn't work. And I made the choice to keep on trying. It is a choice I make to set the alarms. It is a choice to create and follow routines. It is a choice to try something new. It is a choice to evaluate and to reevaluate. Every single day I make choices to do hard things and to use skills that are hard. Per my psychiatrist I over compensate, and by doing so my life is much better quality. It is a choice. 

ADHD isn't a life sentence to live in chaos. I am not saying it is easy, I am not saying it is fast, it is far from easy, but it can be managed. Managing it is a series of choices.

And medications if appropriate. Love me the meds. 

[SKL]

11 hours ago, SHP said:

Household of 7, all but one formally ADHD and that one is just old enough not to be dx. No spare utensils, see my forks thread, I still haven't bought any more. I did find plates in the room of the uncle staying with us, guess who isn't dx with adhd. I prioritize a clean kitchen, including dishes so I make sure it is run every night and unloaded and put away every morning. Just like I choose to wipe all surfaces, sweep and mop the floor. This is a choice I make every day when I choose to not hit the snooze button and instead get up and unload the dishwasher. Or when my husband doesn't hit the snooze button and gets up and unloads it before work. 

Everyone prioritizes things differently. Some people, who are not me, wake up at 3am to work out. Some people choose to sleep in until the last minute. Some people forgo a second income so they can homeschooling their children. Some people choose private school instead of public. These are choices that reflect what we prioritize. I prioritize my sanity and starting each day with a clean kitchen. I do this by closing the kitchen at a set time. If all teens and adults cleaned up after themselves and left the kitchen in exactly the same condition they found it, it wouldn't be a problem. They don't. And everyone manages just fine for the few hours every night that the kitchen is off limits. I have raised three into adulthood and no one has yet to starve to death because they couldn't cook and eat a gourmet meal consisting of pizza rolls, nachos, and rootbeer at 2am.  Priorities. 

 

Clearly you are in charge of your kitchen.  I'm not in charge of mine.  I have 2 older female housemates and I don't get to tell them what to do.

If I lived alone, or without other adults, it would be a very different scene here.  😛

Well, I probably needed to learn the art of flexibility, so God gave me housemates.  🙂

[SKL]

8 hours ago, SHP said:

I did not say it was easy. I said it was a choice.

There are strategies and medications to help, not all willcwork for everyone but that is not an excuse to do nothing. I spent *decades* trying everything everyone said and being gaslighted about all the things I tried that didn't work. And I made the choice to keep on trying. It is a choice I make to set the alarms. It is a choice to create and follow routines. It is a choice to try something new. It is a choice to evaluate and to reevaluate. Every single day I make choices to do hard things and to use skills that are hard. Per my psychiatrist I over compensate, and by doing so my life is much better quality. It is a choice. 

ADHD isn't a life sentence to live in chaos. I am not saying it is easy, I am not saying it is fast, it is far from easy, but it can be managed. Managing it is a series of choices.

And medications if appropriate. Love me the meds. 

Yes, it's a choice.

I choose not to lose my mind over minor things.  I did have to train myself to "not see" certain things, but it was better than fighting with people every day until I die.

[SKL]

8 hours ago, SHP said:

I did not say it was easy. I said it was a choice.

There are strategies and medications to help, not all willcwork for everyone but that is not an excuse to do nothing. I spent *decades* trying everything everyone said and being gaslighted about all the things I tried that didn't work. And I made the choice to keep on trying. It is a choice I make to set the alarms. It is a choice to create and follow routines. It is a choice to try something new. It is a choice to evaluate and to reevaluate. Every single day I make choices to do hard things and to use skills that are hard. Per my psychiatrist I over compensate, and by doing so my life is much better quality. It is a choice. 

ADHD isn't a life sentence to live in chaos. I am not saying it is easy, I am not saying it is fast, it is far from easy, but it can be managed. Managing it is a series of choices.

And medications if appropriate. Love me the meds. 

As for medications - if I'm not the one needing them, it isn't truly my choice whether the meds are taken.  Again, if I could make full-grown people do things, it would be different.  I am not gonna strap my kid down and shove pills down her throat just so the house will be neater.

[KSera]

11 hours ago, SHP said:

ADHD isn't a life sentence to live in chaos. I am not saying it is easy, I am not saying it is fast, it is far from easy, but it can be managed. Managing it is a series of choices.

I didn’t even mention ADHD in my post. There are many reasons someone might not be able to do things that they really wish they could. Think chronic illnesses, physical disabilities, and more. 

eta: I apologize for sounding argumentative. I know you’re someone who wouldn’t intend to be ablist, having your own stuff you deal with, but this particular line of conversation is hitting me strongly that way which does make me feel defensive for the disabled and chronically ill in my life.

 

Edited December 22, 2023 by KSera

[SHP]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Clearly you are in charge of your kitchen.  I'm not in charge of mine.  I have 2 older female housemates and I don't get to tell them what to do.

If I lived alone, or without other adults, it would be a very different scene here.  😛

Well, I probably needed to learn the art of flexibility, so God gave me housemates.  🙂

It is a choice not to sit down and have adult conversations about it and to come up with a workable solution for all. You are not a passive observer in your life, you can do something. You are making the choice not to. God did not give you housemates. You chose a living situation that involves housemates. 

Choices. Not god. 

[SKL]

7 minutes ago, SHP said:

It is a choice not to sit down and have adult conversations about it and to come up with a workable solution for all. You are not a passive observer in your life, you can do something. You are making the choice not to. God did not give you housemates. You chose a living situation that involves housemates. 

Choices. Not god. 

LOL I've been doing this for 30+ years on the daily, so I probably know what's workable and what isn't.

It's very possible that I've tried the "sit down and discuss" method hundreds of times.  😛

Yes, of course having housemates is a choice, like everything else we do.  It has pros and cons like everything else.  It has its own constraints like everything else.

I'm not an "all or nothing" person.  "My way or the highway" isn't how I was raised.  So I allow certain kinds of stress into my life, by doing things that help keep other kinds of stress out.

ETA I don't think it's worth all this angst over a "clean / dirty" magnet.  But that's just me.  😛

Edited December 22, 2023 by SKL

[SHP]

8 minutes ago, KSera said:

I didn’t even mention ADHD in my post. There are many reasons someone might not be able to do things that they really wish they could. Think chronic illnesses, physical disabilities, and more. 

eta: I apologize for sounding argumentative. I know you’re someone who wouldn’t intend to be ablist, having your own stuff you deal with, but this particular line of conversation is hitting me strongly that way which does make me feel defensive for the disabled and chronically ill in my life.

 

I brought ADHD in because as someone who has struggled with it and learned to over compensate on my own I find the frequent attitude to be "can't do something" to be frustrating since IME people with ADHD want to and can if theybhave the right tool chest. I found the view of "currently doesn't have a workable strategy and is struggling and suffering and needs tools" to be a more effective mindset. Especially as a parent when I see a child struggling with anything that seems like it should be easy, I know they want to be able to do it, they just haven't found a workable strategy. 

I understand chronic illness more than I want to. It's why I mentioned that my husband unloads in the morning. Resetting the kitchen each day is part of managing my health. I don’t always have the energy to clean the kitchen before cooking so the night time clean/reset saves spoons. Not the literal spoons mind you.

If you are interested, this book was extremely helpful for me in learning to live and manage my chronic illness better. I attended a series of classes about it and it has been incredibly helpful. 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1945188316/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1703266448&sr=8-25

[SHP]

20 minutes ago, SKL said:

LOL you obviously haven't met my housemates.  😛  I've been doing this for 30+ years on the daily, so I probably know what's workable and what isn't.

It's very possible that I've tried the "sit down and discuss" method hundreds of times.  😛

Yes, of course having housemates is a choice, like everything else we do.  It has pros and cons like everything else.  It has its own constraints like everything else.

I'm not an "all or nothing" person.  "My way or the highway" isn't how I was raised.  So I allow certain kinds of stress into my life, by doing things that help keep other kinds of stress out.

Most people say they couldn't live with housemates, and in particular, my housemates.  😛  Well I must be superwoman.  😛

You made a choice to accept a living situation that doesn't prioritize cleanliness. Just own that. Stop making the choice to keep making excuses and own your are a active participant in your life and circumstances. You are making a choice. 

[SHP]

32 minutes ago, SKL said:

LOL I've been doing this for 30+ years on the daily, so I probably know what's workable and what isn't.

It's very possible that I've tried the "sit down and discuss" method hundreds of times.  😛

Yes, of course having housemates is a choice, like everything else we do.  It has pros and cons like everything else.  It has its own constraints like everything else.

I'm not an "all or nothing" person.  "My way or the highway" isn't how I was raised.  So I allow certain kinds of stress into my life, by doing things that help keep other kinds of stress out.

ETA I don't think it's worth all this angst over a "clean / dirty" magnet.  But that's just me.  😛

Let me explain a bit more.

You have 24 hours in a day. 

You choose to argue on here about how you have no control of the dishwasher and your home cleanliness. You could have unloaded the dishwasher in that time. You made a choice. Good for you! Stop defending and making excuses for your choice and just own it. 

 

Here like me

I logged on here this morning and choose to reply. I could have choosen to go for a walk, play with my cat, play a game, or do any of the other numerous things I could be doing. It is a small thing, but it is a choice none the less. 

[SKL]

30 minutes ago, SHP said:

You made a choice to accept a living situation that doesn't prioritize cleanliness. Just own that. Stop making the choice to keep making excuses and own your are a active participant in your life and circumstances. You are making a choice. 

Why are you attacking me?  I just said the magnet idea might help us.  You flipped out about people using magnets.  I probably shoudln't have taken the bait.

[SKL]

21 minutes ago, SHP said:

Let me explain a bit more.

You have 24 hours in a day. 

You choose to argue on here about how you have no control of the dishwasher and your home cleanliness. You could have unloaded the dishwasher in that time. You made a choice. Good for you! Stop defending and making excuses for your choice and just own it. 

 

Here like me

I logged on here this morning and choose to reply. I could have choosen to go for a walk, play with my cat, play a game, or do any of the other numerous things I could be doing. It is a small thing, but it is a choice none the less. 

 

FTR I never said I couldn't unload the dishwasher.  I never said I don't unload the dishwasher.  I was just explaining why a magnet might be helpful in some circumstances.

I also said I don't control other adults.  That's a fact.  (Not that I would want to control other adults.)

I'm glad your system works for you.  So, don't freak out over how others choose to manage their kitchens.

[SHP]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

Why are you attacking me?  I just said the magnet idea might help us.  You flipped out about people using magnets.  I probably shoudln't have taken the bait.

Replying isn't attacking and I am confused why you feel I attacked you. Could you please provide a concrete example of what I said that constitutes an attack? I am also confused by your  statement that I "flipped out." Please explain where in my replies you see me "flipping out?"

6 hours ago, SKL said:

 

FTR I never said I couldn't unload the dishwasher.  I never said I don't unload the dishwasher.  I was just explaining why a magnet might be helpful in some circumstances.

I also said I don't control other adults.  That's a fact.  (Not that I would want to control other adults.)

I'm glad your system works for you.  So, don't freak out over how others choose to manage their kitchens.

You gave an example of why you didn't unload it and then went on about your living situation and other people, so I explained my living situation and the choices I have made to prioritize a clean kitchen and included examples of choices that other people make that reflect their priorities. I never included any judgement about your choices and am baffled by your words. 

[Ginevra]

On 12/18/2023 at 4:20 PM, HomeAgain said:

And sadly, I was right about conversations already this afternoon. "Is that peppermint bark?"  Yes, yes it is.  That thing that looks like peppermint bark, smells like peppermint bark, and is labeled 'peppermint bark' is indeed exactly what you are asking

I can relate to this so much but it’s not from my kids/YAs. It’s from…another person who lives here. The questions about every god-freakin thing drive me bonkers.  Like - I got up too late to do yoga before work; showered, dressed and came downstairs and am asked, “Are you doing yoga this morning?” Yes, honey, I’m going to do yoga in a dress five minutes before I have to leave….

Lots of questions like that…”What’s this? What’s that? What are you cooking? What are you doing?…” it’s hard not to answer with abject sarcasm. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, SHP said:

Replying isn't attacking and I am confused why you feel I attacked you. Could you please provide a concrete example of what I said that constitutes an attack? I am also confused by your  statement that I "flipped out." Please explain where in my replies you see me "flipping out?"

[Moderator hat on] Or how about she doesn't continue this line of conversation and you don't either. It's Christmas and I'm sure everyone has enough stress without generating more here. But, for the record, repeatedly telling someone that they are choosing a problem and all the solutions they could/should have put in place is going to seem like an attack in a way that mentioning it once doesn't.