That is all

[Clarita]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I want my voice to be heard, but I also want to be there for my daughter and support her and make sure that she always feel like she is seen and supported and cheered on!
 

I want my voice to be heard, but I want my husband to be able to practice medicine.  I don't want our marriage to disintegrate because we are never together. Mission work is the only thing he can do now that he is disabled.

I want my voice to be heard, but I want to be close to my family and spend Thanksgiving Christmas with them.

I want my voice to be heard, but I want to serve other people.  Because other people should always be more important than you yourselves are.  In fact, I think my writing has stalled because I didn't go to Africa and get that fresh input and be around People.

Same thing with the RV trips.  I need novel stimulation as I get so bored at home. 

You can't have it all. 

Which one do you want more and own that decision. Cut the buts out, make all those a separate items on a list and prioritize them. The things that fall off fall off. Then grieve that it's not going to happen.

[regentrude]

18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

  I honestly cannot compete with him. 

Why do you feel this compulsion to compete with your husband???

My DH is much better than I am at some things, and I am much better at other things. It's completely irrelevant. Marriage is not a competition. 

[Frances]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I want my voice to be heard, but I also want to be there for my daughter and support her and make sure that she always feel like she is seen and supported and cheered on!
 

I want my voice to be heard, but I want my husband to be able to practice medicine.  I don't want our marriage to disintegrate because we are never together. Mission work is the only thing he can do now that he is disabled.

I want my voice to be heard, but I want to be close to my family and spend Thanksgiving Christmas with them.

I want my voice to be heard, but I want to serve other people.  Because other people should always be more important than you yourselves are.  In fact, I think my writing has stalled because I didn't go to Africa and get that fresh input and be around People.

Same thing with the RV trips.  I need novel stimulation as I get so bored at home. 

You said your main purpose for doing the podcasts and devotional to sell (?) is for your children and potential future grandchildren. Maybe you’ve already done enough of them to leave that legacy and should turn your focus to a less cerebral activity. I think getting out of your head could be very freeing and healthy for you.

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Why do you feel this compulsion to compete with your husband???

My DH is much better than I am at some things, and I am much better at other things. It's completely irrelevant. Marriage is not a competition. 

I know.  I am just tired of being second best. That said, he has earned absolutely everything he has ever done.  He is the most humble, hard working, self-disciplined person I know.  And yeah, he doesn't compete with me at all.  It is just hard to be married to someone who is perfect. 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

I don't do bored.

Here we go again. For the umpteenth time: learn to sit with the quiet, with the not-doing. So you can hear what you're drowning out by your compulsive busyness. 

Meditate on the impermanence of life.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Frances said:

You said your main purpose for doing the podcasts and devotional to sell (?) is for your children and potential future grandchildren. Maybe you’ve already done enough of them to leave that legacy and should turn your focus to a less cerebral activity. I think getting out of your head could be very freeing and healthy for you.

Like what???  I have hundreds and hundreds of books.  I read A LOT.  In my head is who I am. I am bringing 5 physical books with us and have I don't know how many on the Kindle.

I don't know how NOT to be cerebral.  My husband laughs at me because I honestly do not notice most stuff because I am in my head.  I have always been that way. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

Here we go again. For the umpteenth time: learn to sit with the quiet, with the not-doing. So you can hear what you're drowning out by your compulsive busyness. 

Meditate on the impermanence of life.

And get depressed????????????????

[TexasProud]

You guys are  making me anxious.

I am off to meet a friend for lunch.  

[regentrude]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I know.  I am just tired of being second best. That said, he has earned absolutely everything he has ever done.  He is the most humble, hard working, self-disciplined person I know.  And yeah, he doesn't compete with me at all.  It is just hard to be married to someone who is perfect. 

Then find another field in which he isn't shining. I could never measure up to my DH when it comes to physics (despite having the PhD and postdoc experience). But I carved out my own niche by making music and writing poetry. Not because I am competing, but because that's MY thing.

[Frances]

24 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Oh, and my husband writes better than me as well.  He writes letters to our children every time they leave, Christmas, etc.  They have all of these beautifully written words from him.  But he isn't the writer, LOL.  The emails he writes for our mission teams everyone loves.  They are funny, insightful, just wonderful.  I honestly cannot compete with him. 

I don’t think a lonely person isolated at home cares if your husband is a better writer than you or if your cards or letters are funny and insightful. It’s not a competition. You say you want people. Then reach out and make the connections.

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And get depressed????????????????

It will accomplish the opposite. 

The compulsive introspection and desperate search for meaning can be causing depression. You're going through the same spirals over and over again.

Accepting that there is no meaning, that it's okay to be insignificant, and that the only point is joy, can be a key to healing. 

Btdt.

Edited August 29, 2023 by regentrude

[marbel]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I want my voice to be heard, but I also want to be there for my daughter and support her and make sure that she always feel like she is seen and supported and cheered on!
 

I want my voice to be heard, but I want my husband to be able to practice medicine.  I don't want our marriage to disintegrate because we are never together. Mission work is the only thing he can do now that he is disabled.

I want my voice to be heard, but I want to be close to my family and spend Thanksgiving Christmas with them.

I want my voice to be heard, but I want to serve other people.  Because other people should always be more important than you yourselves are.  In fact, I think my writing has stalled because I didn't go to Africa and get that fresh input and be around People.

Same thing with the RV trips.  I need novel stimulation as I get so bored at home. 

Your voice is being heard: when you travel to visit your daughter, when you spend time with your husband, when you travel to see family at holidays, when you serve other people. You are telling these people that you love them and value the time you spend with them. 

Or you can skip all that, stay home and struggle to write and publish and fret over who is seeing your writing. 

 

 

[Frances]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I know.  I am just tired of being second best. That said, he has earned absolutely everything he has ever done.  He is the most humble, hard working, self-disciplined person I know.  And yeah, he doesn't compete with me at all.  It is just hard to be married to someone who is perfect. 

He’s not perfect because no one is perfect and that kind of talk is just ridiculous. Instead of thinking of it as a competition, focus on how blessed you are to have him as a husband. And I bet that you’ve done a great deal along the way to support him and enable him to develop and share his gifts.

[Heartstrings]

29 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Oh, and yes, my husband does his Spanish every single day.  I will never be as self-disciplined as he is.  That is what I mean.  He does all of these things: sit ups, Spanish, practice guitar, etc.  He fills his day.   I like to have people. 

Are you happy with this traveling missionary life?  it really seems like that is the crux of the issue.  Maybe you guys need to focus closer to home so you can have some permanence and stability.  Maybe the season for traveling has come to a close for you.  

Edited August 29, 2023 by Heartstrings

[Frances]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Like what???  I have hundreds and hundreds of books.  I read A LOT.  In my head is who I am. I am bringing 5 physical books with us and have I don't know how many on the Kindle.

I don't know how NOT to be cerebral.  My husband laughs at me because I honestly do not notice most stuff because I am in my head.  I have always been that way. 

Get out and do stuff. Meet people, help people. There are limitless needs in this world and you are in a perfect position (financially secure, no job, relatively healthy) to help. And you say you need people. So just do it!

[KSera]

46 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I need novel stimulation as I get so bored at home. 

 

27 minutes ago, Frances said:

Get out and do stuff. Meet people, help people. There are limitless needs in this world and you are in a perfect position (financially secure, no job, relatively healthy) to help. And you say you need people. So just do it!

This. Is there a nonprofit you could get involved in that is unrelated to your church? A local food bank, domestic violence shelter, homeless outreach or whatever might call to you? There are countless opportunities like that that need people able and willing to help and that involve direct work with other people day in and day out. From everything you say, this seems like the kind of thing that would be a fit for you. I know you do mission work and other stuff with church, but I’m thinking something that would be separate from that. You’re still serving God when you help people outside a religious context and it would be something separate from your husband’s work, which seems beneficial for you.

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Heartstrings said:

Are you happy with this traveling missionary life?  it really seems like that is the crux of the issue.  Maybe you guys need to focus closer to home so you can have some permanence and stability.  Maybe the season for traveling has come to a close for you.  

Actually, I really do love when we are on our mission trips.  I think maybe not going with him to Kenya this last time was a mistake.  Plus, honestly, he has to.  He isn't ready to give up being a surgeon.  He cannot practice full time.  Part time is not an option as they have too much call.  Expected part of the profession.  He cannot do locum tenems now because he has to have practice experience in a US hospital within two years and that has passed.  Covid took away all of the locum in his specialty for almost 2 years, so...   Being a surgeon is so much of who he is.  So going to Africa 3 times a year for at least a month at a time and then Honduras for a week twice a year and a few others I don't do for a week at a time is necessary for him to keep his competency. And really we just started all of this in 2020, what we have been saving and working toward since we were dating. 

1 hour ago, Frances said:

Get out and do stuff. Meet people, help people. There are limitless needs in this world and you are in a perfect position (financially secure, no job, relatively healthy) to help. And you say you need people. So just do it!

 

1 hour ago, KSera said:

 

This. Is there a nonprofit you could get involved in that is unrelated to your church? A local food bank, domestic violence shelter, homeless outreach or whatever might call to you? There are countless opportunities like that that need people able and willing to help and that involve direct work with other people day in and day out. From everything you say, this seems like the kind of thing that would be a fit for you. I know you do mission work and other stuff with church, but I’m thinking something that would be separate from that. You’re still serving God when you help people outside a religious context and it would be something separate from your husband’s work, which seems beneficial for you.

Ok,  so we leave in a couple of days and I have so much I need to do to get ready, so I cannot volunteer for those 2 days.  Then driving for three days to get to Michigan. 
Porcupine Wilderness 6 nights, 6 nights in Keenewah Penninsula, 5 nights at Bay Furnace, 4 nights at Tahquemenon Falls, 3 nights near Mackinac Island, 1 night traveling,  4 nights at the state park near our daughter to see her in the musical...   

Anyway. I guess I will just look for stuff where we are.  I have no idea what is there.  We will be hiking and doing sightseeing stuff as well.  I will do that pen pal thing someone mentioned. I put stationary in there to write family.    So I have that in place. I guess I will just see.  

[wintermom]

It kind of sounds like some puppy-licking-your-face "therapy" might be helpful. Their enthusiasm to be with you, patience to sit or walk with you, and companionship are amazing. I think you travel a good deal, so perhaps owning a dog is not practical, but perhaps volunteering at a dog of cat rescue might help you feel like you do make a difference and you don't need any special skills to love on animals.

Edited August 29, 2023 by wintermom

[Melissa Louise]

If you want a life where you never do 'bored', then you are looking for a fantasy life.

There is no life out there with the perfect balance of home and away, being heard and serving, full of daily joy and interest....because that's not how life works for anyone!

If you want contentment, meaning, even happiness - get comfy real quick with the fact you are just human, like all the other humans. And human means sometimes you are bored, sometimes you are down, sometimes you eat junk and sometimes you write an awesome blog. And sometimes you feel less than, and sometimes you feel fine. 

You have way too much time to ruminate; you felt best about yourself when you had a job and were 'pulling your own weight' - can you get a job?

Not a DIY job (which a lot of writing is) but a job where someone pays you a paycheck for doing defined duties?

A lot of the things you talk about here are really material for therapy of one kind or another.

Maybe you could start a gratitude journal. I use a great app called Presently. Recommend.

 

 

[bolt.]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I know.  I am just tired of being second best. That said, he has earned absolutely everything he has ever done.  He is the most humble, hard working, self-disciplined person I know.  And yeah, he doesn't compete with me at all.  It is just hard to be married to someone who is perfect. 

How are you anywhere near "second best" in this scenario? If self-discipline varies in a population of humans according to the normal bell curve, it's clear that your husband is near the high-end extreme: a zone where very few people fall. (I know a few people like that too!)

But, as for me, I'm dead sure that at least 50% of humans have more self-discipline than me. Honestly, I'd peg it at 85% of people have more than me, and 15% have less -- mostly because some humans are still young adults, and some of them have lifelong neurodiversity.

Under what scheme is your husband so awesome at this, and you are "second" to him? And why would it be a credit to him if it's just plain ordinary random distribution of traits in a population. I mean, Yes, he combines it with hard work, but he's still starting out with a significant head start!

(Humility, though, you can be proud of him for. That orientation is genuinely hard to work your heart around to!)

[Melissa Louise]

Read this while you are away:

https://www.penguin.com.au/books/four-thousand-weeks-9781784704001

 

[Melissa Louise]

7 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Like this.  Here is the beginning of one of my devotions for people struggling at Advent:

 

I struggled to hold back the tears, not wanting to break out in sobs on the plane. For the airplane ride, I chose the latest Downton Abbey movie, thinking I would spend an enjoyable time getting reacquainted with the characters. For nearly two hours, I did. (Spoiler alert, though you know it is coming from the beginning of the movie.) Toward the end of the movie, the family is gathered around the deathbed of the matriarch, Violet Crawley. We witness the touching goodbyes, punctuated by Violet’s usual wit, and then she is gone. The scene of my mother’s recent passing flashed in my mind, which had none of the same kind of peacefulness. Here is the first half of a lament psalm I wrote about the night my mother died:

Abba Father
This is not the way it should be!
No water
Too painful to swallow
A groan—
She struggles for breath.
Oxygen. Morphine.
Enough?
She cannot tell us.
Where are the peaceful promises?
Only persistent pain.
Extensive plans did not prepare
Where were you God?
Where are you?

I knew my mother would die. I was prepared for that. We called in hospice, but the peaceful goodbye I expected did not materialize. Watching the Hollywood ending of Violet Crawley, the tears I could not shed for my mother that night threatened to overwhelm me — “what if’s” and “I should have’s” filled my mind.  Then anger. At the hospice agency. At God.

When we are suffering, we often wonder why God allowed things to happen.

It goes on from there.  Now not all of them are this raw. Many are hopeful because I am hopeful many days.  And yesterday because I broke down and posted on social media, I got 40 downloads.  I just hate that I have to spend time on Facebook and Instagram for people to remember my stuff is out there...  I am always in a bad mood trying to create things for that.  Oh and by broke down I mean I posted, not that I put some weird video of me having a breakdown.  LOL.

I think what I would find inauthentic about this style of writing (as a reader), is that it's didactic. 

It's telling me stuff.

Stuff like what I think under the collective 'we'. 

Are some people looking for that style of writing?

Sure. Crowded market though.

I think what Heartstrings was suggesting was a different style (as opposed to content). What if you wrote without the thought in mind that it must be a lesson (for yourself, for others?) I mean, I'd be way more interested in this (as a reader) if the vulnerability in it was the speaker's true rage at God, and the resolution (or not) of that anger was authentic to the journey and to the text.

 

 

 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Read this while you are away:

https://www.penguin.com.au/books/four-thousand-weeks-9781784704001

 

Bought. In my Kindle.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

I think what I would find inauthentic about this style of writing (as a reader), is that it's didactic. 

It's telling me stuff.

Stuff like what I think under the collective 'we'. 

Are some people looking for that style of writing?

Sure. Crowded market though.

I think what Heartstrings was suggesting was a different style (as opposed to content). What if you wrote without the thought in mind that it must be a lesson (for yourself, for others?) I mean, I'd be way more interested in this (as a reader) if the vulnerability in it was the speaker's true rage at God, and the resolution (or not) of that anger was authentic to the journey and to the text.

 

 

 

Ok, i am super confused.  Only one sentence was a we.  And I sure as heck didn't resolve it and didn't resolve it in the rest of the piece. talks about the massacre of the innocents in the Christmas story that no one talks about. My basic ending to the piece is just that God is with us. It doesn't solve anything.  How in the world is what I wrote not rage ( Where were you God??  I am practically yelling at him....  So incredibly confused. 

[Heartstrings]

3 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

think what Heartstrings was suggesting was a different style (as opposed to content). What if you wrote without the thought in mind that it must be a lesson (for yourself, for others?) I mean, I'd be way more interested in this (as a reader) if the vulnerability in it was the speaker's true rage at God, and the resolution (or not) of that anger was authentic to the journey and to the text

Yes!  

[TexasProud]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

Yes!  

Ok, see my response above.  Can you explain to me how what I wrote, especially my lament psalm was not my true rage at God?

[Ginevra]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I know.  I am just tired of being second best. That said, he has earned absolutely everything he has ever done.  He is the most humble, hard working, self-disciplined person I know.  And yeah, he doesn't compete with me at all.  It is just hard to be married to someone who is perfect. 

Yes; it sure seems horrible to be married to someone so competent. /s/

 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Ginevra said:

Yes; it sure seems horrible to be married to someone so competent. /s/

 

Ok.  See I get that. He is perfect and I should be SO grateful.  What is wrong with me????  Then I feel horrible for thinking that.  you are very right to judge me. 

[Heartstrings]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Ok, see my response above.  Can you explain to me how what I wrote, especially my lament psalm was not my true rage at God?

I meant more yes to trying a different style.   Maybe more long form, maybe in fiction, maybe try third person, maybe it needs to be a poem.   If nothing else it would stretch you as a writer to try.   If you’re looking for an audience maybe you need try different techniques and styles.  

[Melissa Louise]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, i am super confused.  Only one sentence was a we.  And I sure as heck didn't resolve it and didn't resolve it in the rest of the piece. talks about the massacre of the innocents in the Christmas story that no one talks about. My basic ending to the piece is just that God is with us. It doesn't solve anything.  How in the world is what I wrote not rage ( Where were you God??  I am practically yelling at him....  So incredibly confused. 

Just one reader, and the reader of an extract. 

For me, it feels distanced from rage. Rage-writing I like and find vulnerable tends to be more visceral. 

I think what makes it feel distanced for me is the feeling that personal experience is cut off stylistically in favor of a switch to the teacher/preacher.

 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

Just one reader, and the reader of an extract. 

For me, it feels distanced from rage. Rage-writing I like and find vulnerable tends to be more visceral. 

 

LOL..that is about as visceral as I get and about as angry as I ever get.  I never yell at anyone in real life. Never have.  LOL..  So yeah, you won't get cussing and that kind of anger. 

[Melissa Louise]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL..that is about as visceral as I get and about as angry as I ever get.  I never yell at anyone in real life. Never have.  LOL..  So yeah, you won't get cussing and that kind of anger. 

It doesn't need to be swearing. 

I guess as a reader I'm just more interested in the woman at her mother's bedside than I am in the lessons we may or may draw. 

Why don't you try a different style while you're away?

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

I meant more yes to trying a different style.   Maybe more long form, maybe in fiction, maybe try third person, maybe it needs to be a poem.   If nothing else it would stretch you as a writer to try.   If you’re looking for an audience maybe you need try different techniques and styles.  

I don't think I could write fiction.  I don't know enough about how people truly talk if that makes sense.  I realized that when I did a seminary project with a young black man in his early 20's.  he was so incredibly talented with his screenwriting.  Bless him for putting up with me.  We were writing during all of that George Flloyd stuff, too.  But his dialogue was so real and mine was so stilted.  I am much more literary, poetry type stuff. I wrote this poem about that time:
 

The Apology

 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that the dream has become a waking nightmare.

I’m sorry that we do not change.

I’m sorry for the pain I see in your face—the exhausted fear in your eyes

I repent and yet

To repent means to turn and head the other direction.

But I am immersed in the privilege.

No matter which way I walk, 

I seem to walk toward it, whether I want to or not.

I’m sorry that even when I stop on the road to help

I sometimes end up injuring you more than the robbers.

I’m sorry.

Selfishly, I mourn for myself and for my nation

What would we be if we had truly picked up our cross—

followed Jesus together, 

instead of handing you our cross to bear?

I don’t know.

But I’m sorry.

Or this one.  Needs more revision

Asleep in a Car

 

I lie in the backseat, pretending to be asleep

Trying to make myself as small as possible

On my half of the blue, sticky vinyl

Hard-edged voices

Both assured of the correctness of their position

Hands over my ears

Feeling the tires attack the potholes,

Heaviness in my chest from the muffled screaming

As the volume rises in the hazy, smoke-filled air

Neither side hears the pain behind each other’s words

I imagine what I would say to help them understand

As I lie in the back seat with my eyes closed

But I am a child,

So, I pretend to be asleep

In a car

As it hurtles down the road.

 

 

 

 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

I guess as a reader I'm just more interested in the woman at her mother's bedside than I am in the lessons we may or may draw. 

 

I have tons of stuff in my journal about that, but it is not fodder for public consumption mainly because my sister and my aunt were there as well.  I felt bad enough about putting that out there.

[Ginevra]

16 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok.  See I get that. He is perfect and I should be SO grateful.  What is wrong with me????  Then I feel horrible for thinking that.  you are very right to judge me. 

I’m sure he isn’t perfect and there is nothing you “should” be, but I can’t understand why it has to be this huge source of upheaval. So he’s competent and respected in the community. Why does that have to mean anything wrt yourself? 
 

 

[Rosie_0801]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Because other people should always be more important than you yourselves are.  

No.

Really no.

That's why airplane safety doesn't tell you to frantically buzz about fixing everyone else's mask on until you pass out.

Suppose you let go of this incorrect belief? Then you could stop raging against it, because that is what you are doing. You are building walls so you can throw yourself against them and it is horrible to witness.

And I agree you should give prose a go. It might fill in some of the gaps in your thinking.

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

I’m sure he isn’t perfect and there is nothing you “should” be, but I can’t understand why it has to be this huge source of upheaval. So he’s competent and respected in the community. Why does that have to mean anything wrt yourself? 
 

 

He is so much more than competent...  I am supposed to be the musician, but his ear is SO much better than mine. As I mentioned, he writes better than I do. 

I don't know.  I want to be good at something, really good at something that is mine alone. I don't know why it bugs me. It just does. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

No.

Really no.

That's why airplane safety doesn't tell you to frantically buzz about fixing everyone else's mask on until you pass out.

 

Of course. I have written about that. Of course.  You love others as you love yourself.  I know that. 

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Of course. I have written about that. Of course.  You love others as you love yourself.  I know that. 

So why are you saying a thing you know isn't true?

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

So why are you saying a thing you know isn't true?

You take care of yourself, and you love yourself, but others are definitely more important. You take up your cross and lay down your life for your friends.  But of course you still love yourself as well. 

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He is so much more than competent...  I am supposed to be the musician, but his ear is SO much better than mine. As I mentioned, he writes better than I do. 

I don't know.  I want to be good at something, really good at something that is mine alone. I don't know why it bugs me. It just does. 

What do you mean, you are supposed to be the musician? There can only be one musician in the family?

Look, I get it. My husband is way more competent than I am in many, many things though he is clearly not perfect. <shrug> He loves me anyway and appreciates me as I am.  I'm happy for his competence and accomplishments. Frankly they make my life better.  Also frankly, without me being competent at home during the years our kids were babies/homeschool students, he wouldn't have been able to accomplish as much as he has. (And he knows that.) 

 

Edited August 29, 2023 by marbel

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

You take care of yourself, and you love yourself, but others are definitely more important. You take up your cross and lay down your life for your friends.  But of course you still love yourself as well. 

No, you don't.

You prioritise yourself because without your body or mental health, you won't be helping anyone shift their cross.

Nobody ever thanks anyone for destroying themselves and that's what you keep trying to do. To destroy yourself, not all the way, just the "right" amount. Bloody stop it. There isn't a right amount.

Be a bit more Slytherin, Sister!

(Not something I ever thought I'd be saying to people, but I find that I do reasonably often!)

[bolt.]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I don't know.  I want to be good at something, really good at something that is mine alone. I don't know why it bugs me. It just does. 

You must know lots of people who just aren't actually 'really good' at anything. (If you don't know them in real life, allow me to present myself as an example of such a person!)

Maybe you will never achieve greatness (or the really-good-ness, that you are hoping for). Maybe you will just always be broadly capable and generally reliable, kind, and nice to be around. Maybe you will be loved by your loved ones, and live on in their memories only as long as those folks live, and then be done. Maybe you can lay down that burden in advance, in anticipation of your own fading, and let yourself live a life that doesn't matter much -- other than to yourself, the God you honour, and your inner circle that has a legitimate stake in a shared life with you.

[Rosie_0801]

And I think you're misdiagnosing your husband as perfect when he's really just well-supported.

By you.

[Ginevra]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

He is so much more than competent...  I am supposed to be the musician, but his ear is SO much better than mine. As I mentioned, he writes better than I do. 

I don't know.  I want to be good at something, really good at something that is mine alone. I don't know why it bugs me. It just does. 

I don’t understand all this measuring. I really don’t. Love is not like that. I mean, usually, when I love someone, I get joy from their competency. In fact, it is probably one thing I value the most highly - I like being around people who are highly competent. I don’t experience it as, “but they’re better than me!” I’m just awestruck that I get to be close with this amazing human being. 
 

Have you really thought at all about what it would be like to be the competent one in the relationship to where you can’t rely upon your husband to get anything done; you can’t depend on him to make an important phone call or do something about the smoke that issues from the furnace. What if you *had* to make money at writing or whatever because he can’t do it and it all falls on you? Have you thought about what *that* would be like? 
 

I mean, sure, I was being sarcastic but seriously, it’s really hard to feel any pity for you because your smart, kind, respectable husband also picks up the guitar and plays like an autodidact. “But he’s better than meeeee!” So? Lots of people are better than you! And lots are worse! But so bloody what? Nobody’s giving out gold stars to the best guitar player in mid-life. 
 

Anyway…I hope that helps but I know it won’t. 

[Ginevra]

13 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Be a bit more Slytherin, Sister!

That’s going to be my new favorite quote! 😄

[catz]

4 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

And I think you're misdiagnosing your husband as perfect when he's really just well-supported.

By you.

To me he sounds well supported.  And CONTENT and confident with his choices.  I can assure you he isn't the best at everything and he isn't perfect.  Doing spanish daily is a choice that doesn't make you better or worse than anyone else.

To me, every time you start a thread wringing hands like this you sound possibly depressed and anxious.  I like regenetude's suggestion of sitting with quiet.  Practicing gratitude.  

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

 

Have you really thought at all about what it would be like to be the competent one in the relationship to where you can’t rely upon your husband to get anything done; you can’t depend on him to make an important phone call or do something about the smoke that issues from the furnace. What if you *had* to make money at writing or whatever because he can’t do it and it all falls on you? Have you thought about what *that* would be like? 

Yes, and a lot fell on me raising the kids while he was gone 80 hours a week. or more.  Then he would come home to bushhog the place or fix fence or whatever.  But there is another cost..   I am married to the person who cannot rest.  So yes, he does everything himself.  He just fixed our toilet today.  He does umpteen things on the RV.  I can count on one hand the times I have had to call someone to fix something in the nearly 35 years of marriage.  But it means he gets up changes the oil. Writes emails to his team. Fixes the toilet.  Practices guitar. Practices Spanish. Goes out and does the bearings on the Rv.   Maybe mows a little bit.  We eat a little lunch together.  He goes back out to do more chores. He comes in and we watch Foundation or whatever little show we are watching and he goes back outside to finish the chores when he comes to bed.

When I went through my period of depression in 2014 before he retired, my counselor suggested we sit on the porch in the afternoon and just talk.  That lasted maybe a week.  He couldn't do it, so he finally brought trips for us to plan. 

Was I always so driven to get things done?  No, I wasn't. But what choice do I have other than to sit in the house doing nothing by myself.  Yeah, he is competent, but I really wish he wasn't sometimes. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by TexasProud

[Melissa Louise]

Yeah, so he's not perfect if he can't even sit on the porch of an evening and chat to his wife.

 

[regentrude]

29 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I want to be good at something, really good at something that is mine alone.

Then you pick a thing and put the time and effort in until you are good at it. There's no shortcut.

You complain that you have too much empty time at your hand. Use that to practice an instrument or a foreign language or a craft until you mastered it.