Thank you

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Thanks for your perspective, everyone.  I think this is going to be a complicated situation where we just have to figure out the least bad option.

When you’re 11, everything is embarrassing. We told DD that the situation will likely resolve itself and if it doesn’t, we will look into what it would take to send her back to our old school district that she loved but we moved out of. The commute is about the same, just in opposite directions. There is a hybrid homeschool program that might be a possibility.  There are options, even if none are great and she loves her school.

Life is hard. I sometimes wish it was easier for my kids and they didn’t know so many hard things so first handedly, but hopefully they’ll become compassionate adults through that. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Faith-manor]

Oh my! I don't know what to do. But, I feel so bad for your dd.

My guess is that since the school is not remotely capable of dealing with your foster niece, she will not be there long before the school tells the parents she cannot stay. Unfortunate, but likely and probably for the best because she needs to be in PS with an IEP. I would probably go express my concerns to the teacher and principal. It is important for them to know up front that your Dd is distanced from her cousin, and you do not want the school to try to interfere with that or judge your Dd for it. I wouldn't go out of my way to present niece in a super bad light, but I would lay out that the children do not have a close relationship outside of school, and that it would be highly inappropriate for the school to try to facilitate one from inside or assign them to team/group work together, etc.

Maybe since you know more what the issues are, you could file play some potential situations and help Dd carve out dialogue and responses in advance, make sure she gets to invite other girls for fun days and what not without her cousin so she can continue other relationships.

I am sad for the cousin. She needs parents who know what they are doing, trauma therapy intensively, and an IEP. It doesn't sound like she is going to get any of this right away.

[Katy]

I would offer empathy but not do anything except remind her that they aren’t family yet and that everyone has different problems that need empathy too. All we can do is hope for the best. And yes, everything sounds completely normal for kids with a traumatic background. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

22 minutes ago, Katy said:

I would offer empathy but not do anything except remind her that they aren’t family yet and that everyone has different problems that need empathy too. All we can do is hope for the best. And yes, everything sounds completely normal for kids with a traumatic background. 

It is probable the adoption will happen this fall, so they are all but family. My sister in law used to be a teacher at this school and left this year due to the placement, so everyone knows the family situation.

We talk a lot here about trauma, because oldest son has school related PTSD and demonstrates some trauma related behaviors along with behaviors that are common with autism/anxiety/SPD.  DD11 is a very empathetic and loving child, but tonight she is sobbing that she just doesn’t want to deal with it every day.  I’m careful to not say anything critical, because she adores her aunt and uncle, and they are good people just in wildly over their head with zero DSS/social services support.  
Fortunately, there is a new sixth grade teacher this year who is a wise, experienced and understanding teacher who knows my daughter well.  I am hoping she can be something of a support and she will understand to not overly pair them up at least.

[Faith-manor]

I really hope the sixth grade teacher does well with the situation. I just feel so much for your dd. Is there an option for just hybrid school where she attend part time and home schools part time just in case she needs a break from her cousin?

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

2 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

I really hope the sixth grade teacher does well with the situation. I just feel so much for your dd. Is there an option for just hybrid school where she attend part time and home schools part time just in case she needs a break from her cousin?

Actually this school does offer part time classes for homeschoolers. But then she’d just be at home with her very adhd, learning disabled, sensory seeking high needs attention sucking little brother who is being homeschooled because ps cannot meet his needs.

I seriously feel like I’m in a no-win situation.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Faith-manor]

Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Actually this school does offer part time classes for homeschoolers. But then she’d just be at home with her very adhd, cognitivally disabled, sensory seeking high needs attention sucking little brother who is being homeschooled because ps cannot meet his needs.

I seriously feel like I’m in a no-win situation.

Ouch! I am so sorry Tiggy! Is there any chance she could do her hybrid classes at your mom's house so she has a break from both? She sounds like she is probably a conscientious, independent worker.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

2 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Ouch! I am so sorry Tiggy! Is there any chance she could do her hybrid classes at your mom's house so she has a break from both? She sounds like she is probably a conscientious, independent worker.

She is.  She’s just missed out on a lot because of her brothers and I am constantly fighting an uphill battle with her feeling like she’s responsible for their needs. She is in no way responsible for her brothers needs, emotions or behaviors, but she takes that on herself sometimes despite therapy and us working hard against that.

 Which is one reason why we specifically chose a private school where she could be indidivually nurtured and neither brother would(or could) attend there.

[Not_a_Number]

Oh gosh. How very hard for your daughter :-(. 

I would probably just listen to her vent and remind her that she doesn't know how things are going to play out in school. It doesn't seem like there's really anything to DO right now. 

[PeterPan]

Ok, I'll just take a different perspective, since you threw it out there. Is it *possible* your dd is having a hormonal response to this? Crying all day about something sounds like hormones, and she's the right age to become very female/irrational. You might want to consider if from that angle, maybe apply chocolate or drink tea or take a ride in the country or nap more or whatever gets her feeling more even keeled. My dd was honestly WAY more harder for hormones at this age/stage than my ds. 

As far as the school placement, am I reading correctly that the adoptive parent worked at the school? So they had strings to pull. 

I'm surprised the school wants drama if this is a no drama, no IEP kind of place, and so it might not last. I think I would just flat go have a confidential talk with the principal of the school and be done with it. I don't know if that's accepted, but I would. It might as well come out now. But I would stick to FACTS. If they hadn't let this dc in with issues, another dc equally with issues could have come in. It's probably an unusual thing to have a school year or sunday school classroom or mom's group or exercise class or scouting troup or ANY situation where you gather people together where there isn't going to be some drama. 

If you talk with them, it may come out that adoptive mom has actually told the school more than you anticipate and they were cool with it. If that's the case, it gets even more interesting. (what is their game plan, how do they suggest handling it with your dc, etc.)

 

Edited August 27, 2023 by PeterPan

[ScoutTN]

Will the future cousin actually last long at the private school? Private schools can and do kick kids out for behavior issues. 

[PeterPan]

24 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

she takes that on herself

There is a hyper responsive sensory profile that can happen. You might want to consider getting her some interoception work and counseling to work through that.

It's RIGHT to protect her and you're doing the right things. And I agree, it's going to get very awkward when you go to the school and ask why in the world they're bringing in a problem child without extra staffing. School will talk to adopt mom and adopt mom will be pissed. But I don't see a way around it. The school has a responsibility to your child as well.

Edited August 27, 2023 by PeterPan

[PeterPan]

Ok, I'm still smacking my head on this. Super small school and cousins placed in the same class?? Do they have multiple small section classes? You said no.

I don't think seeing behaviors and saying you don't want to be around that all day is irrational. Crying all day about it sounds like hormones, but the factual part (these are the behaviors, they are disruptive, this is what she does around me) is her lived experience.

I don't see a way around talking with the school. If they could DISCRETELY use the factual incidences you explain to them to try to draw more out of the mother, maybe they could stop this before it even happens. They wouldn't have to be destructive jerks about it.

 

[Lecka]

Either she will not show any of this at the private school, or they will not be able to keep her.  She’s not a little kid who is going to get a lot of chances.  She will not get more than one chance.  Either one thing happens and they say she needs something different, or she gets one chance and it happens after the second thing.  
 

I think this is a sad, horrible situation, but I don’t think it’s likely to reflect on your daughter.  I do think it’s an upsetting situation overall and I’m sorry your daughter will have to see this happen.  

[Lecka]

I think you could share concerns with administration as a parent of a current student.  
 

At minimum make it clear you don’t want your daughter made into her new-student buddy.  Edit:  this isn’t mean — your daughter would not be a good Buddy for her.  

Edited August 28, 2023 by Lecka

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It’s not that uncommon for family members to be in the same class. DD actually has two distant cousins in the grade above her. There’s only one class per grade. 
So…the issue with acceptance is two fold: the school records don’t record any behaviors and she fell through the foster care cracks of evals and supports because she’s switched schools so frequently with multiple placements AND the packet was submitted during the honeymoon period when there weren’t significant behaviors. The county signed off on private school because adoption is imminent and the adoptive parents are paying for it. They also signed off because she was the target of bullying at the public school she’d be going back to.

DD is definitely hormonal. And we’ve had OT evals over the years and she never qualifies. 
DD’s concern is that her new cousin is very very clingy towards her and when DD wants some space it causes a meltdown or manipulative behavior(trying to guilt DD into spending time together by threatning to walk into traffic). These are very real concerns. I am going to reach out to the teacher and that’s probably all I can do.

The worst part is that niece could go to school with a cousin. The special needs therapeutic school my oldest attends would be perfect for her, and she is in district for it, but it’s a several year fight to get a placement.  

Edited August 28, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[PeterPan]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

OT evals

A psych who is knowledgeable about bodywork can do the interoception work. Doesn't have to be OT. A hormonal, very sensitive teen girl ought to qualify for counseling. 🙂

Manipulation is an interesting thing for social thinking. It takes a certain level of social thinking even to do that and just reading that is SO far beyond the level I operate that I'm just horrified. And the bad part is it's QUIET abuse. It's not like the teacher is going to know this person is making manipulative threats. What is your dd's recourse or safety release? What is the school's policy if ANYONE says anything that is dangerous or reflects intent to self harm? What do they expect her to do with information like that??

[Lecka]

I think reaching out to the teacher is a good idea, and very important.

 

It can come up that one student is clingy to another student, and teachers handle that.  
 

It’s probably not realistic in a class of 10 that they are never put together, but there are a lot of ways a teacher can minimize that.

 

Can you talk to your daughter about ways she can try to avoid the clingy behavior at school?  
 

In general I think it would be good for your daughter to befriend someone in this situation, but I don’t think that’s the situation this time.  
 

I think it’s good to take your daughter’s side.

 

I do also think — it’s good not to get “too” wrapped up in it.  Your daughter is most likely going to be okay!!!!!!!  
 

But I think she deserves her mom to take her side, her mom to talk to the teacher, etc, things like that.

 

Maybe it’s too far to talk to the administration, but I think it is a possibility.  

[PeterPan]

Furthermore, I'd be incredibly pissed if ANYONE'S child was making threats like that to my dc. Did you TELL this new mother about the expressed threats? Or does she not realize it's happening? Like you don't have to tell her what to do with them (the parenting side) but that's totally fair game to say this is the threat your dc made to my dc, my dc can't be around them. 

It's not like all cousins hang. If the mom can't get the situation treated and under control, it's not like family life is gonna be rosy.

[Lecka]

I am wondering if your sister knows your concerns?  Does your sister think your daughter is going to be best buds with the girl at school?  Is she going to be mad if that’s not the case?

 

I hope there aren’t issues like that, but really I think it could be kind to talk to your sister so at least she knows not to expect that and not to expect your support of that.  

[PeterPan]

2 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Your daughter is most likely going to be okay!!!!!!!  
 

But I think she deserves her mom to take her side, her mom to talk to the teacher, etc, things like that.

 

Yes!!! As long as she knows it's OK to talk to you and talk to the teacher and what her options are to do with scary/threatening things the person says, she's going to be fine. If she's having to stuff, ignore, hide, pretend, it won't be ok. But if she knows her path forward, she'll find her toughness. If she's grown like you're saying, she's probably capable of more than she thinks. It's just sad to watch someone you care about have behaviors like that.

[Lecka]

If it’s really factual that she has manipulated your daughter in that way, I think it’s worth speaking with administration.

 

Because, it might come up quickly and then they will have that background of your experience.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

7 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

A psych who is knowledgeable about bodywork can do the interoception work. Doesn't have to be OT. A hormonal, very sensitive teen girl ought to qualify for counseling. 🙂

Manipulation is an interesting thing for social thinking. It takes a certain level of social thinking even to do that and just reading that is SO far beyond the level I operate that I'm just horrified. And the bad part is it's QUIET abuse. It's not like the teacher is going to know this person is making manipulative threats. What is your dd's recourse or safety release? What is the school's policy if ANYONE says anything that is dangerous or reflects intent to self harm? What do they expect her to do with information like that??

When it happened, it was at church and DD went directly to her grandmother. Foster/adopt mom reported it to the caseworker immediately, a crisis worker came out and did a screening and they determined no SI so no big deal. But my DD was horrified(it doesn’t help that her young brother occasionally says similar things in an impulsive, upset manner for which we have been getting therapy for a while and he has learned much better coping skills, but it really upset DD when he would say these things and now cousin does).

i cannot emphasize enough how absolutely terrible social service and mental health resources are in my area. Underfunded and understaffed; there are no pediatric psych beds within a four hours drive; etc.  

I feel like I sound like I’m picking on this one child and I am certainly not.  She just needs a different environment, and it’s frustrating because I have successfully advocated for other kids who have then gotten what they need.

Edited August 28, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Not_a_Number]

Gosh, this is such a hard, hard situation. And you don't want to mess up your daughter's relationship with her aunt and uncle, I assume. 

If at all possible, I'd treat this is an opportunity to grow and deal with hard situations. It really IS tricky. Many paths you could take here would seriously backfire with your sister. It will be hard to advocate for your daughter and also not upset other people. 

I'd probably talk to her about how nothing is set in stone and how you will advocate for her whenever ANYTHING at all comes up at school. I don't know that I'd talk to the school just yet unless you're willing to be open with your sister about the fact that you're doing that -- talking to the school without talking to your sister will almost certainly be treated as a hostile gesture. 

But I'd be extremely tuned into the situation and deal with all issues as they come up.

[Not_a_Number]

3 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I feel like I sound like I’m picking on this one child and I am certainly not.  She just needs a different environment, and it’s frustrating because I have successfully advocated for other kids who have then gotten what they need.

I don't feel like you're picking on her at all. Your concerns seem very valid to me, both for this girl and for your daughter. 

I do think that you'll want to decide on the angle here: are you advocating for this child, or are you protecting your daughter? I think people will take you more seriously if you choose which point of view to present your ideas from first. 

[PeterPan]

That's so hard to separate out your professional training in social work that is telling  you the dc needs a different placement and your personal side that needs to be nonjudgmental to deal with the situation. If judging the situation (that it's not a good placement in that home for that dc) is making you feel worse, maybe let go of the judging? 

I know that's trite, but I'm just being rational. Maybe stop saying it's not a good placement. There are people who parent in ways that are SO not what I would have chosen, and somehow the child survives. It's just a very different path. It's kind of DBT isn't it to say if judging makes you feel worse just drop the judging, right? Not saying you're wrong, just that it could be an option.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I don't feel like you're picking on her at all. Your concerns seem very valid to me, both for this girl and for your daughter. 

I do think that you'll want to decide on the angle here: are you advocating for this child, or are you protecting your daughter? I think people will take you more seriously if you choose which point of view to present your ideas from first. 

I don’t have any standing to advocate unless my SIL asks. Which she may. if I had to guess, there will be an incident at school, admin will say they can’t handle her, and then SIL will ask if I can step in as an advocate and hopefully we can start getting her into the therapeutic school my oldest attends or an appropriate classroom elsewhere.  
But at this point my focus is on my daughter. 
 

I think the home placement can work with the appropriate supports. My SIL and BIL are willing to learn and accept supports, it’s just getting those in place which is impossible. I do not think this school placement is appropriate at all. And if asked I could help advocate for a better placement school wise.

Edited August 28, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[PeterPan]

Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

therapeutic school

That's interesting. So you're looking at this as a potential transfer situation as soon as things come to light. That could be a really nice outcome. It's good to know there IS a placement they could transfer the dc to if the needs are not met. I doubt they want a lot of disruption either.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

4 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

That's interesting. So you're looking at this as a potential transfer situation as soon as things come to light. That could be a really nice outcome. It's good to know there IS a placement they could transfer the dc to if the needs are not met. I doubt they want a lot of disruption either.

I can’t say enough good things about where my oldest goes to school.  Small classroom, caring staff, a ratio of one social worker for every 25 kids, all the therapies and supports you could dream of in a public school. There’s even a vocational section for high school, equine therapy, life skills and college tracks depending on the student. But it’s one of the most restrictive and expensive placements and school districts don’t want to pay for it. It took me years and reams of documentation. This girl has been in 7 schools and has very little documentation, so it would be an uphill battle at first. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Lecka]

It’s not picking on someone to think they need more support.  
 

Also fortunately in this situation — the other girl has your sister.  Your sister might not be the best person to meet this girl’s needs, but she is still a good person.  She can get more experienced.  
 

My negative side thinks — if there’s nothing on her record showing these concerns, then she’s going to have an incident somewhere so she can have it on her record.  Sigh. But if this is the way to get more support then I think it’s a good thing to do.  
 

Also this is just too much to place on your daughter’s shoulders.  Anyone would think so.  Anyone who has all the information.  
 

I don’t think it should be shared widely, but certainly with the school.  
 

 

[Not_a_Number]

Could you ask your sister to share information with the school? So it's not coming from you? You could come at this from the perspective that it'll be best for the girl for the administration to know her background. 

[Lecka]

So if school starts after Labor Day — maybe have a heart to heart with your sister about her starting this girl at public school.  It’s rough but to me the documentation situation would be better?  And she probably would go there anyway if she got kicked out of private school without enough documentation to get into a higher placement.  

[Lecka]

Well, the “impact on my own daughter” issues should definitely come from Mrs. T.  But I agree about the sister sharing.  But if the sister is hoping things will get better or is not seeing some things as a pattern that’s not improving — it’s not necessarily realistic.  
 

It’s an awful situation for a parent to be in, it gets real when a parent has to bring things like this up.

 

I also think, with the lack of a record of school issues, there’s some room for the sister to hope problems won’t come up at school.  There’s a case to be made for not giving a negative impression to people.

 

I also think it can come up across a lot colder for a mom to do that, than a concerned parent concerned about her own child.  
 

There’s a long mental process for people to go through, I guess.  
 

And things can seem less clear when people are on the middle of things.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I think they’re hoping a fresh start and small classroom will help. This child literally spent most of last year sitting in the hallway. How on earth there’s no evals or documentation I don’t know, but I have done some advocacy for other foster kids and seen similar.

Kids without involved parents fall through the cracks. 
I don’t think SIL would be receptive at this point to me suggesting anything. We’ve had a very close relationship up to this point but she is struggling and is unlikely to accept advice. I wait to be asked or for a moment she might be receptive, without sounding like a know it all.

[Lecka]

Also, it’s out of Mrs. T’s control what her sister decides to do.  
 

And if her sister did go, Mrs. T would still need to go because of daughter-specific issues.

 

It’s also so natural to minimize when talking to people, it’s hard to be blunt and say “so here’s all the behavior issues we have seen.”  Many people will minimize until they get used to being in this situation.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

2 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Also, it’s out of Mrs. T’s control what her sister decides to do.  
 

And if her sister did go, Mrs. T would still need to go because of daughter-specific issues.

 

It’s also so natural to minimize when talking to people, it’s hard to be blunt and say “so here’s all the behavior issues we have seen.”  Many people will minimize until they get used to being in this situation.  

I remember when my oldest started displaying significant behaviors in preschool, I did minimize them. Partly because the school did and partly because I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it.

Fortunately through meds, years of social skills and coping therapies, and an amazing school support system, we only have two or three meltdowns a year and zero school behaviors in two years now.  But gosh, it was a difficult road to that point and took me a while to accept. 

[Lecka]

Oh, it’s SIL and not sister!!!!  Okay.  I misread that.

 

I think that’s fair for the SIL to think, and then it does not sound like she’s in a place to share information with the school.  
 

I have been a similar situation and I ignored some things said to me, minimized some things, expected some things to change for various reasons.

 

And maybe the small classroom and fresh start will help — that would be amazing!!!!!  
 

It can be really hard to know what the right thing is, I think here though Mrs Tiggywinkle has got to advocate for her own daughter.  I think that’s totally appropriate.  I think there’s reason to hope the school will handle things in a good way.  

[Not_a_Number]

19 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I don’t think SIL would be receptive at this point to me suggesting anything. We’ve had a very close relationship up to this point but she is struggling and is unlikely to accept advice. I wait to be asked or for a moment she might be receptive, without sounding like a know it all.

Maybe when issues inevitably come up?? I just don't know if you want to be in the position of the person reporting problems, especially if the relationship is already somewhat strained. 

[Lecka]

The school would be expected to keep totally private that Mrs T talked to them.  
 

A teacher can assign groups, etc, in any way — and give another reason even if someone asks bluntly.  

[Lecka]

As well, it’s possible that there’s somebody else who would report concerns/information to the school.  
 

Anyone who has been thrown into a situation and wishes they had gotten some warning — might give some information about something from church or a playground or when their older child went to such-and-such school and they saw this child there — there could be some connections like that unknown to Mrs T.  

[prairiewindmomma]

Can you work with dd on putting a boundary on what should or shouldn’t be embarrassing for her? Foster kid’s behaviors don’t and shouldn’t reflect on her. If foster kid melts down or is manipulative, I think your dd should just raise an eyebrow and pop some mental popcorn and sit back and watch in a “not my monkey, not my circus” kind of way. She’s a kid. Parenting her potential cousin is 100% not her job. I would help her have some phrases to use when stuff begins to blow up that she can say to her friends and help her kind of navigate how to put some distance between her and foster kid’s behavior.

 

Also, I don’t “read” her tears as a hormonal reaction only, fwiw. Little red flags are waving about trauma. It is great that she can articulate her fear, and I think I would open a conversation about how she feels when it’s your own family circus that is putting on a show. It sounds like she is internalizing some shame.

My NT kids have all had to work through peer group stuff right around that age—they were looking for acceptance from friends—personally learning to navigate how to deal with presenting from a not normal family. 

[Lecka]

A lot of people like to get a heads-up, and I think people can get a heads-up and not be given too negative of an impression.  I think this is something administrators balance all the time.  

[Lecka]

I agree about the daughter having boundaries like that and would want that to be reinforced/guided by the teacher.

 

I have seen siblings take on too much with a special needs sibling, and it can help for a teacher to say “things are okay, you don’t have to try to fix this.”  
 

But the teacher needs to know this background.  
 

Separately — I think it’s possible your daughter is venting to you or working through her thoughts and feelings with you….. maybe she will handle things differently when she’s at school.  Then I hope you trust the teacher to be able to tell what is appropriate for your daughter.  OR follow up with the teacher about what your daughter says at home, encourage your daughter to communicate with the teacher as appropriate for her age and the situation.  
 

So there are options and I would expect this to be ongoing and expect to check in with the teacher and your daughter about it, frequently.  Edit:  but I also don’t think that’s that big of a deal… I think it’s likely to be something that comes up, but I think it can be addressed as it comes up.  

 

Edited August 28, 2023 by Lecka

[Lecka]

For context:  my daughter has complained a lot to me sometimes, and then it’s turned out she handles things at school in a different way.  But I can’t predict it with her.  I have had it happen and been surprised, and then surprised by the teacher’s opinion, and then surprised my daughter is thinking about things in a different way than she had a week earlier.  
 

I’m just saying — don’t be surprised if that happens, it can happen.  
 

I think it’s better to be pro-active, though, in situations that warrant being pro-active.  
 

Plus it’s helping your daughter to talk through her feelings and know you are on her side — or I think it’s very likely this is the case.  

Edited August 28, 2023 by Lecka

[Not_a_Number]

I know that, in my personal experience, TELLING a kid to have boundaries doesn't always result in them actually having the boundaries. Some lessons don't get learned like that. 

In our co-op, after months and months of trying to coach DD11 through the issues she was having with a misbehaving friend, I eventually had to step in before the issues got too traumatic. And I kind of wish I stepped in earlier, because DD11 was VERY stressed out by the situation, and my advice wasn't doing any good. She simply wasn't able to follow it. 

I'm not saying it's a bad place to start. I just know that sometimes a kid can only figure out how to put up boundaries by first seeing what happens when you don't, and it sounds like it'd be hard for OP's daughter to start out by having good boundaries. 

For what it's worth, DD11 learned a TON from our co-op experience and used it next time she had a similar social situation. But she couldn't apply the lessons while she was in the middle of it. Not until we resolved it ourselves and she got some space from it. 

[freesia]

18 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Can you work with dd on putting a boundary on what should or shouldn’t be embarrassing for her? Foster kid’s behaviors don’t and shouldn’t reflect on her. If foster kid melts down or is manipulative, I think your dd should just raise an eyebrow and pop some mental popcorn and sit back and watch in a “not my monkey, not my circus” kind of way. She’s a kid. Parenting her potential cousin is 100% not her job. I would help her have some phrases to use when stuff begins to blow up that she can say to her friends and help her kind of navigate how to put some distance between her and foster kid’s behavior.

 

Also, I don’t “read” her tears as a hormonal reaction only, fwiw. Little red flags are waving about trauma. It is great that she can articulate her fear, and I think I would open a conversation about how she feels when it’s your own family circus that is putting on a show. It sounds like she is internalizing some shame.

My NT kids have all had to work through peer group stuff right around that age—they were looking for acceptance from friends—personally learning to navigate how to deal with presenting from a not normal family. 

I agree. OP, I am so frustrated for your dd. I don’t think it hormones. As a sibling of a brother with behavioral issues, school was often a sanctuary—except when he melted down at recess. I was in sixth grade and I remember hiding in the bathroom and crying. My teacher had a heart to heart with my mom which led to them getting more help. If cousin does come, could you get her some short term therapy support? 

[Lecka]

I think that’s a good idea (more support for daughter).

 

Ideally there is cooperation between home and school.  
 

I totally agree — a situation like this is too much to place on an 11yo.  
 

I think it’s expected for a teacher to help manage this situation and provide support for boundaries. 
 

If a student is having behavioral issues in class, it is part of the teacher’s job to help the other children handle that experience.  How should other kids respond.  
 

I think it’s really good to know what guidance the teacher is giving, let the teacher know your guidance, work as a team, etc.  

 

This is not something where it would be appropriate to just send an 11yo child in without anyone at school knowing her situation and that she is in need of support, that she is worried about this, that she is worried she will have undue pressure and responsibility placed on her to manage the other child’s behavior, that she has emotions around her brothers, etc etc.  It’s not “that” much because it’s so condensed, but — it’s just what I think is appropriate.  
 

She needs 150% support that she can’t be (and is not) responsible for the other girl’s behavior.  It’s not possible and it’s not expected.  

 

Edit:  I think it would be good to talk to the school as soon as possible, for you to be able to talk to your daughter and let her know “the teacher won’t be mad” if you have talked to the teacher and the teacher won’t be mad.  Or if they have suggestions to make you can share with your daughter.

 

It’s rough if they blow you off or say things like — well your daughter is expected to be kind to new students.  But it would be good to know, too, and try to deal with that in some way . 

 

Edited August 28, 2023 by Lecka

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

trauma.

For the very sensitive person who is taking in other person's emotions and not able to separate them from their own, it IS creating a form of trauma and treated like trauma, yes. 

It's why the answer is AND, not only. 

[Shoeless]

I'm so sorry and sad for your dd. School is her haven and now there's a complication that will impact her. It is fair that she has a space that is all hers, and now this happens.

Boundaries will be crucial for all of you, I fear. I'd be concerned that there will be pressure from many people about "But this is family!"

[SKL]

It will be hard.  Maybe it would help if you asked the teacher to keep them as far apart as possible e.g. seats in opposite corners of the room.

I will say that, from what I've read, kids who have behavior problems at home related to attachment issues often act completely different when not with their parents.  Maybe the new cousin will not be as problematic at school as you predict.  Time will tell.