Two Lessons

[lionfamily1999]

Two lessons you learned from your parents (or the folks/institution that raised you), one positive and one negative.

 

For Instance:

 

My mom told me, once my daughter was born, that she regretted saying 'no' so much. She told me to consider why I was saying no, if it was for dc own good or because I just didn't want too.

 

DM, used to like to correct us in public (or as close to it as possible). I don't mean correcting our behavior while we were in public, I mean bringing up past transgressions while we were in public. Now, I never argue or discuss family matters infront of non-family members. We have a zero 'on the spot' policy.

[Aubrey]

I realized after I was married that I had never heard my dad say anything negative about his parents or my mom *to me,* even though they were divorced. I'd like to be able to keep my mouth shut enough that my dc can turn out like my dad in that regard. ;)

 

My dad, otoh, couldn't let go of his ideas about how things should be. He would try so hard sometimes to do nice things for me that he'd end up hurting my feelings w/out me having a clue that he was trying to do something good. (I only know now because I've talked to his 2nd wife since he died.)

 

I tend to come quite naturally by the 2nd trait but will probably never be able to fully achieve the 1st. Bum luck, huh? But having a goal in mind helps.

[Bonnie in VA]

One positive lesson: Since I've gotten married / had kids my parents have never openly criticized my choices or my spouse in any way. Of course, it helps that I haven't made any major life decisions that they could argue with. But still, I hope that when my children are grown, I will be as supportive as my parents are.

 

One negative lesson: When my sister and I were growing up, and the four of us had to go anywhere separately, we always divided along the same lines. For instance, if we took two cars anywhere, my sister always went with my mother, and I always went with my father. This division seemed to occur in many other ways, too. Because of this, I am not as close to my mother as I could be. I try to make sure that each of our four dc get time with each parent.

[elegantlion]

One positive: Family is still family, when they are being unloveable. I saw my dad put up with alcoholic mother who did not raise him. He did more for her as an adult than she ever did for him as a kid. He was the only one around for her most of the time.

 

One negative: My parents kind of let life happen to them and I grew up thinking many things in life for for other people, not us. Career goals and the such. I would have pursued a few more of the things I wanted out of life it I had been encouraged to believe it was possible.

 

The good out of that is my dh is very much a risk taker and we are teaching ds that he CAN be anything he is willing to work towards.

[Rosie_0801]

I was taught both that it's good to be an individual, and that I should be more like everyone else. I eventually decided the best compromise was to avoid people who don't like me the way I am, which is most of my relatives, and hang with people who do like me. Seems simple, so I don't know why it took me ten years to figure it out.

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

One positive: I want to be a MIL/mom of grown kids like my mom. She always asks me "How do you handle ......" (naptime, snacks, gifts, candy. . .) I appreciate so much that she wants to hear how we do things so that she can support it and follow our way of doing things as much as possible.

 

One negative: My parents never praised us because they didn't want us to get a big head. I didn't want excessive praise - just a "well done" or "I'm proud of you" from time to time.

[Amy loves Bud]

Lesson 1 - don't go into debt. No need to elaborate there.

 

Lesson 2 - don't share your child's private life with anyone else, particularly a sibling who can be particularly cruel. Probably no need to elaborate there, either.

[caitlinsmom]

One positive: That you dont have to be like everyone else. They dont matter in the grand scheme. Its helped me pick a few paths that others look at and go "hmmmm."

 

Negative: My parents were huge on favorites. My mom adored my brothers and let them slide with major major things (like coming to the aid of the bro who was convicted of drug trafficing "it was a setup, it wasnt supposed to happen like that." HUH?) while I was grilled for every minor misstep. My dad on the other hand favored the girls, we did no wrong. I have huge guilt because of the last because my brothers would get beat and my sis and I would be sent to play. I NEVER choose one child over the other as a favorite. Never.

[kalanamak]

Positive: That actions speak louder than words in the love department. My folks were always doing sweet things for each other (knitting a sweater, tilling a garden), and they worked like dogs to provide us with a beautiful environment and wholesome food. I can't stand people who are all cooey and dewy verbally, and treat you like mud.

 

Negative: You have to do everything yourself. Never ask for help. Never get lost. Never be at a loss for words. Be so strong others tend to trample you because they forget you have feelings.

[Lovedtodeath]

My dad lost the use of one leg as a toddler. He never acted disabled. He always taught me that I can do anything if I just try hard enough.

 

My mom always acted like men could not get their feelings hurt and are immeasurably stronger and more able to handle anything than women. They are not allowed any slack for anything, and everything is easier for them. That gave my marriage a world of trouble. I still struggle to overcome that attitude as my immediate response.

[OnTheBrink]

Positive: If you're willing to work for it, you can become anything you want (career/life work) and, no matter what, take care of your family. My father came from parents who were not educated and worked in sweat shops their whole lives. He wanted more from life than that and today, he has a B.S., two M.S. degrees, an M.B.A. and a dual Ph.D. And, he took good care of his parents until their deaths. He took good care of my brother and myself and is still there for us if we need him. He's not perfect, but he's a great dad.

 

Negative: I was raised to never trust my gut. My mother was notoriously bad at undermining and second guessing my feelings. If I was upset at something or someone, it was my fault. If I was happy about something, I was stupid for being happy about it. Nothing that was important to me was every truly important. Things I was good at were disregarded. I'm sitting here trying to think of something good my mother taught me and I'm coming up with nothing.

[WTMCassandra]

Positive: Work hard, and don't get into debt.

 

Negative: "We can't do xxxx because our business is busy now and we will miss work that's coming in." Then, later, "We can't do xxxx because business is slow and we might miss work that comes in." So we never did anything fun as a family. I am working hard to ensure our lives stay more balanced.

[angela in ohio]

Positive: A passion for learning.

Negative: Spend what you have.

[FlockOfSillies]

Positive: My dad always said two things to me: 1) "Just do your best, and that's all anyone can ask of you." 2) "I'm rich because I have you kids."

 

Negative: My mom thought she was helping me by keeping me from learning to do things for myself -- household chores, suffering the consequences of my own dumb choices, etc. She never wanted to work herself out of a job.

[BusyMum]

Positive: Love is in the details - my parents spent time doing stuff with us that made us feel loved. One of my formative memories as a child is getting to school and opening my new exercise book (which had to have a line ruled down the side and across the top) to find that my Dad had ruled each line in the book in a different colour. I remember grinning and thinking "Wow! My Daddy really loves me to have sat and done this for me!" As an adult I told him how precious this memory is and he doesn't even remember it. This teaches me that love is in the details. I may not think that what I am doig is a big deal but it may mean a huge amount to my child.

 

Negative: Don't say you will do something that you won't carry out. My parents are great planners but lousy implementers. There was always a reason but I got sick of being disappointed in yet another exciting plan that never got off the ground. They really enjoyed the planning stage and never realised how much it upset me that things didn't happen. Now I always tell my kids whether I am not sure if we can actually do something and if I say we can then I carry it out.

[BusyMum]

EDIT: Somehow managed to post this twice! Sorry