Ting Tang Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 8 minutes ago, saraha said: Thank you all for your support. It feels so good to not feel like a jerk. I love my in-laws, but this trial has made the shine finish coming off for sure. You know, when we were dating and first married, we didn’t live near his family. It wasn’t until we moved “back here” a few years after we got married that I began to realize the pull his family had in him. Ugh, And how awful they think it’s ok. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted November 5, 2022 Author Share Posted November 5, 2022 We’ll talking about it didn’t go as I had planned. I think he was nervous and just didn’t want to go into it. We had a really nice date night though. I tried to start a conversation this morning and his only response was that he didn’t think it was a big deal. I said if it wasn’t a big deal, why did he call a family meeting? I also got in that if he feels things need to change for nephew, I support that because he has done far too much to be expected for a 25 year old young man. Dh really didn’t want to talk about it but acknowledged that the expectation on nephew was a bit much for sure. 🤞 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Keep us posted @saraha 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted November 5, 2022 Author Share Posted November 5, 2022 (edited) I agree with everyone that now that I stepped WAY back, I’m sure it’s been harder on others, mostly nephew. After I “quit “ they hired three different ladies to each come in one morning a week. They couldn’t find anyone to do all three days and fil didn’t want anyone they didn’t already know. Sil is supposed to be taking care of all bills, and bil is supposed to be in charge of all medical stuff. Dh is in charge of nothing and is filled in on a need to know basis after the “conversation”. This has definitely led to productive conversations between my sister and I though. Edited November 5, 2022 by saraha 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Thinking of you this morning and hoping you have something to distract you while your DH is at the meeting 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 I am so sorry. It is hard to feel helpless when stuff like this is happening. I would be really tempted to tell my DH - even if he didn't want to talk about it - that he was NOT allowed to sign me up for anything. Absolutely nothing without my approval. But we have a family rule here that no one is allowed to volunteer another family member for anything without their approval. I think it is a good rule. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Hugs, I'm hoping this is a meeting to discuss a nursing home. 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 3 hours ago, saraha said: I agree with everyone that now that I stepped WAY back, I’m sure it’s been harder on others, mostly nephew. After I “quit “ they hired three different ladies to each come in one morning a week. They couldn’t find anyone to do all three days and fil didn’t want anyone they didn’t already know. Sil is supposed to be taking care of all bills, and bil is supposed to be in charge of all medical stuff. Dh is in charge of nothing and is filled in on a need to know basis after the “conversation”. This has definitely led to productive conversations between my sister and I though. Reframing this- maybe dh has the prime role? He’s not the lead on anything, so you guys can control your contribution (and you have- good job!). Let’s say, worst case scenario, dh commits you to fill some task- you can absolutely say, “that doesn’t work for me.” Based on the family disfunction, I think it’s better that they don’t want you there. You’d just get railroaded. If dh commits himself to some task, don’t rescue him out of it. “Gee DH, that sounds like a lot of work for you.” There is only one solution to your IL’s situation- hiring more help or paying for a facility. All other attempts at navigating this are doomed to fail. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted November 5, 2022 Author Share Posted November 5, 2022 So, meeting went ok it sounds like. Bil said he wanted everyone to get in same page, said they needed to find a consistent full time caregiver, listed out upcoming medical appointments for both. They made a list of all the outstanding farm projects and a plan to talk with fil. It was mentioned that other than the hired ladies, I am the only other consistent thing happening for them. Lots of mentioning of suggestions I made 6-8 months ago, so that’s good. Nothing really concrete other than they nailed down that all three of them feel like more consistency needs to be happening and that fil is not as “with it” as he thinks he is. For example I caught her throwing her medicine away Friday as I showed up unexpectedly and fil was on the phone. Turns out someone else had caught her doing it too as he was not watching her take her medicine. Some time sensitive things were missed, they showed up a day early to a doctors appointment, those kinds of things. All in all, very pleased and all my anxiety was for nothing. Do I think it will be enough? Depends on who/if they find a competent full time (40 hours a week) caregiver. But definitely a step in the right direction! 39 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 6 hours ago, saraha said: I tried to start a conversation this morning and his only response was that he didn’t think it was a big deal. The answer to that is always "It's a big deal to ME." It doesn't mean you can make him have a conversation. But you can make it clear that something matters to you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 31 minutes ago, saraha said: So, meeting went ok it sounds like. Bil said he wanted everyone to get in same page, said they needed to find a consistent full time caregiver, listed out upcoming medical appointments for both. They made a list of all the outstanding farm projects and a plan to talk with fil. It was mentioned that other than the hired ladies, I am the only other consistent thing happening for them. Lots of mentioning of suggestions I made 6-8 months ago, so that’s good. Nothing really concrete other than they nailed down that all three of them feel like more consistency needs to be happening and that fil is not as “with it” as he thinks he is. For example I caught her throwing her medicine away Friday as I showed up unexpectedly and fil was on the phone. Turns out someone else had caught her doing it too as he was not watching her take her medicine. Some time sensitive things were missed, they showed up a day early to a doctors appointment, those kinds of things. All in all, very pleased and all my anxiety was for nothing. Do I think it will be enough? Depends on who/if they find a competent full time (40 hours a week) caregiver. But definitely a step in the right direction! No sideways glances at your dh with the unspoken suggestion that you have 40 hours? Take comfort in the knowledge that what you are currently doing - your current level of involvement - is good and noticed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted November 5, 2022 Author Share Posted November 5, 2022 35 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said: No sideways glances at your dh with the unspoken suggestion that you have 40 hours? Take comfort in the knowledge that what you are currently doing - your current level of involvement - is good and noticed. Nope, actually bil came with a name he was going to call and inquire after. I asked what plan B is if the lady he was going to call isn’t interested but dh said there isn’t one 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 You stepping out of the do-everything role was such a vital part of them getting to this point. I know we don't really know each other, but I'm so proud of you! It's a great example to everyone here that being the martyr is in no one's best interest. 18 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 (edited) Stay strong. I'm glad today went okay. Edited November 5, 2022 by Starr 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Whew, that’s a relief. Stay strong, and be proud of yourself for doing the hard work of stepping back when you did, so that everyone can now start getting on the same page wrt care needs. I hope they find an excellent full time caregiver. (But not you! You and DH deserve to just enjoy your sweet ILs, and nurture that relationship with nice visits and outings.) 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted November 6, 2022 Author Share Posted November 6, 2022 Two meals with leftovers a week and nice visits and outings is where I’m at right now. Since I’m not treated as a full partner, I decided not to take on the roll of a full partner. Sil can keep money matters, bil coordinating medical and me/dh making sure they are fed well and plan outings once in a while seems fair given the amount of “say” dh has anyway. Thanks so much for talking me down everyone! I know people who are not familiar with my situation probably don’t see the big deal, but it kind of is with these crazy family dynamics 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ting Tang Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 1 hour ago, saraha said: Two meals with leftovers a week and nice visits and outings is where I’m at right now. Since I’m not treated as a full partner, I decided not to take on the roll of a full partner. Sil can keep money matters, bil coordinating medical and me/dh making sure they are fed well and plan outings once in a while seems fair given the amount of “say” dh has anyway. Thanks so much for talking me down everyone! I know people who are not familiar with my situation probably don’t see the big deal, but it kind of is with these crazy family dynamics And don't let anyone tell you that isn't a huge contribution (dare I say sacrifice) on top of everything else you are responsible for in life. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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