after a kid explodes then calms down, what next?

[Xahm]

My eight year old son is a "big feelings, big reactions" kind of kid. All in all, he's on a good path up the mountain of learning self-regulation, but it's a path with lots of switchbacks and spirals instead of straight up. Overall, my husband and I are good at reacting calmly instead of escalating the situation. Explosions aren't dangerous as much as obnoxious. He's learned to throw pillows instead of books, for example, but there's still lots of door-slamming, yelling, name-calling, and tears. Once he's calmed down, which can be in just 5-30 minutes, he tends to be genuinely loving and kind. He'll pick up the pillows or whatever he's knocked down, if he notices them.

My question/need for brainstorming is, what else should I be doing? Do I just let him cuddle up and move on, trusting that he knows his behavior was unacceptable and it will improve with maturity? Do I take the door off its hinges so it can't be slammed? Do I require him to say one nice thing for every mean thing he said in anger? I don't feel a need for vengeance, but I also don't want him to fall into the bad habit of storming and raging and then expecting all to be okay. Part of me says he's still really young, but another sees how quickly he's growing. I don't want to be dealing with a 14 year old acting like this but with increased size, strength, and hormones. I don't worry at all about him becoming actually violent, but I also don't want to be his emotional punching bag or let him think that women should be used that way.

Obviously, I'm posting to get feedback, but it's also been a stormy sort of week and my husband is travelling for work. Be kind.

[kirstenhill]

Two of my kids tend in this direction as well, and for both of them, adding tools to their toolboxes that helped them recognize the impending explosion before it took place was really helpful.  A therapist that one DC saw for just a few sessions gave the image of a pot of water on the stove.  Various circumstances were turning the heat up higher and higher, and this DC needed to learn to recognize the "heat rising" before the metaphorical pot got to a raging boil.  This was a really helpful mental image for this child, and the therapist helped the child put together a list of options (along with a box of physical items like squishy balls, etc) for what to do when the heat is rising to try and turn the heat back down. 

Honestly, for both DC that have struggled with big emotions/meltdowns, even a few sessions with a therapist was super helpful for both, because both kids took suggestions for better coping strategies way better from someone else than from me or DH (maybe because most of the anger/meltdowns were directed at us in some way - anger related to house rules, homeschool work, etc).

[prairiewindmomma]

Therapy......I'd be looking for someone who can support you in Zones of Regulation and with some of the ideas from The Explosive Child.

He's not yet able to fully regulate his own emotions---punishment isn't the answer.  I definitely wouldn't be making him say one nice thing, taking the door off of the hinges, and so on. He needs to work on learning to handle his issues BEFORE the meltdown. He needs tools to learn how he feels when he's getting worked up, and he needs some coping mechanisms that help him better solve his issues.

But, yes, deal with this now.

[Forget-Me-Not]

7 minutes ago, Xahm said:

My eight year old son is a "big feelings, big reactions" kind of kid. All in all, he's on a good path up the mountain of learning self-regulation, but it's a path with lots of switchbacks and spirals instead of straight up. Overall, my husband and I are good at reacting calmly instead of escalating the situation. Explosions aren't dangerous as much as obnoxious. He's learned to throw pillows instead of books, for example, but there's still lots of door-slamming, yelling, name-calling, and tears. Once he's calmed down, which can be in just 5-30 minutes, he tends to be genuinely loving and kind. He'll pick up the pillows or whatever he's knocked down, if he notices them.

My question/need for brainstorming is, what else should I be doing? Do I just let him cuddle up and move on, trusting that he knows his behavior was unacceptable and it will improve with maturity? Do I take the door off its hinges so it can't be slammed? Do I require him to say one nice thing for every mean thing he said in anger? I don't feel a need for vengeance, but I also don't want him to fall into the bad habit of storming and raging and then expecting all to be okay. Part of me says he's still really young, but another sees how quickly he's growing. I don't want to be dealing with a 14 year old acting like this but with increased size, strength, and hormones. I don't worry at all about him becoming actually violent, but I also don't want to be his emotional punching bag or let him think that women should be used that way.

Obviously, I'm posting to get feedback, but it's also been a stormy sort of week and my husband is travelling for work. Be kind.

I have one that would do this. Mostly she would run her mouth and say awful things to family members and slam doors. She’s almost 14 and has outgrown a lot of it. 

I’d say try to talk about it when he’s calm. Try to come up with strategies to handle the anger before he gets angry. I’d tell my daughter that she needed to quit talking when she got angry because she tended to spew poison at whoever her current target was (I mean, she really had an uncanny knack for saying hurtful things).  

Name calling is something I have big feelings about, so the name-caller typically needed to write a list of 20 positive things about the person who was being name-called and read it to them. This had to be done before any privileges were restored. If I got pushback the list would grow to 30, 40 etc. 

[PronghornD]

I had a real screamer, who is now a wonderful college student, but still has some anxiety. There may be a connection between the screaming and the anxiety.

I made little emojis on circles of paper to represent emotions. After a big blowout, when all was calm, we would go through and identify the emotions of everyone present, assigning emotions for before, during, and after the meltdown. So my child would talk about their emotions but also my emotions if I was there, a playmate's emotions, perhaps a teacher's emotions. My child loved doing this and turned out to be a wonderfully empathetic person.

I also introduced the idea that my kid should do something to help reset the relationship with those who were present. An apology, a card, a chore done to help, a pretty picture. My child could choose what to do to try to help others get past her behavior.

There were also sometimes natural consequences, e.g., "After all the screaming, I am just too tired to read a book right now."

Another thing we did was the screaming chair. While in a particular chair, the child could scream all they want and say anything they wanted. I hovered nearby cleaning the kitchen and encouraging them to work on their feelings. You may have to put the chair in the middle of a room with nothing throwable within reach and no walls that can be damaged nearby.

In the end, our child learned to behave very well. But there is depression and anxiety, and I wonder if there always was. Getting at the root cause may be the best thing.

 

[HomeAgain]

I'm not a reactive discipline type of person when it comes to this.  Reactive doesn't help much to teach, but it is a time to expect him to then come back and be responsible for problem solving.

My first option would be to require role-playing being angry and strategies to deal with it.  Second would be immediately stopping the explosion and hauling the kid out of the room to a quiet place.  Letting him explode without interference would no longer be an option on the table.

[fairfarmhand]

57 minutes ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

 

I’d say try to talk about it when he’s calm. Try to come up with strategies to handle the anger before he gets angry. I’d tell my daughter that she needed to quit talking when she got angry because she tended to spew poison at whoever her current target was (I mean, she really had an uncanny knack for saying hurtful things).  

 

Kids who have these big feelings (and I have 2, and a dh who is like this) Must have strategies in place to handle things BEFORE they get to the explosive point. There are PHYSICAL symptoms that one's temper is beginning to get out of hand, but the kid has to be taught how to recognize those physical feelings. Rising heart rate, breathing faster, etc. (ironically, my exploders tend to be very poor at physical awareness, they don't realize they're hungry, they don't realize they're tired, they don't realize when they feel bad. I think it may be connected) Exploders will not be able to count to ten or whatever when they are at the point of exploding, so they have to figure out ways to get off the explosive freeway before they reach that point. It will take time and practice. 

They may need to make a list of things to soothe themselves when they are feeling ramped up. Swinging is calming, water is calming, going for a jog or petting the cat, etc.

Also, one thing I wish I'd been more conscious of when my older exploder was around was verbally saying things like "This is going to probably be a hard math lesson. Let's not let our feelings get out of hand today. If you need a break please say so and we will get a snack and a drink." I think preparing your mind for something difficult is helpful with these people. 

 

12 minutes ago, PronghornD said:

I

I also introduced the idea that my kid should do something to help reset the relationship with those who were present. An apology, a card, a chore done to help, a pretty picture. My child could choose what to do to try to help others get past her behavior.

There were also sometimes natural consequences, e.g., "After all the screaming, I am just too tired to read a book right now."

 

 

I really have to agree with this, especially if there are other kids involved. My other kids have frequently been a target of this rage and just because they're family and love the exploder does not mean that it doesn't hurt and they should always just overlook things. Yes, eight is young, but not too young to start to think about how one's behavior affects others. So yes, there has to be a way of making amends. People who do not learn how to do this really can be awful as adults. Yes, some people are  hot headed and reactive. Those who don't acknowledge that these behaviors have an effect on others are really going to struggle relationally. So apologies, being able to "make up" for it in some way with a sibling. Teaching siblings how to cooly express the hurt that they experience, (not in the moment) is a good thing. Letting the exploder actually hear that the words they said hurt someone...that all matters. 

A teen sister can say, "Look, I am already self conscious about the size of my backside. Even though you were angry when you said that, it makes it worse and now my feelings are hurt. It may be a day or two before I really want to be around you. I'll get over it and eventually forgive you. But I need space right now." 

I had to allow my other kids to have space from the hurtful exploder. Not that they pouted for weeks. But they needed time to process hurt and forgive and I tried to not rush that. 

My 2 exploders can/could be very hurtful to their siblings. I feel strongly that siblings' hurt matters too. We don't beat a dead horse and make the exploder jump through hoops and make extensive apologies and such, but some of the natural consequences of temporarily broken relationships isn't an awful thing either. 

In retrospect, with my older exploder, I wish I had been more open about her affects on me. Not in a mean way, but I became her verbal punching bag and that was not right for me to allow. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

 

@fairfarmhand and others have had so many wise thoughts on this so I don’t want to be repetitive. 
 

I think you’re handling it well. I would maybe sit down with him in a loving way, after he’s calm, and talk about how the words he uses against others can be hurtful. Also how they can’t fully be taken back. Even if he apologizes, they could continue to linger in the mind of the other person. I think it’s important that he learn to apologize and also reinforce that he didn’t mean those nasty things. It is a habit that will help to heal the wounds he has caused. There are too many people with big feelings who refuse to wrap back around and apologize or take responsibility for their actions/words.

Edited August 24, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Clarita]

@Xahm I'm over here taking notes as well so know you aren't alone. 

Read The Explosive Child. You probably do some of the stuff in the book already but it's nice to see how things progress for an explosive child in their examples. Sometimes it takes so long to see the progress in your own explosive child. A lot of the regular parenting books just show the regular or complacent child reaction and it's not helpful.

I do make my son "make amends" to the people he hurt during his rage sessions. I don't know if it helps him (I want to think it does), but it helps those of us around him reset the relationship. Also helps us, including him, realize when he is out of his rage.

[Xahm]

Thanks, all. We do a lot of talking while calm, and it really does help. Most of the time, he appreciates cool logic and does well with rational discussion. I think that makes it harder on him when he's out of control because he hates that feeling. Today we talked about how he could ask for 5 when he starts feeling it welling up, and I'll give him 5 minutes to cool down before checking in. We may have to play with the timing, but I'll remind him of that option in the morning before starting school stuff. 

For the most part, he only dumps on me and dh. His siblings just get growled at and pushed aside and a few "shut ups" as he storms away. If course that can be hurtful, but even when he's angry he's not trying to hurt others.

I think I'll get the explosive child book. His improvement over time makes me feel like we are on the right path, but because this was not the method modeled when I was a child, I have self doubt. The way I saw it handled with my brothers clearly didn't help, but that's still sometimes my mental norm, even when I'm concisely choosing a different way. Some outside reinforcement can shore things up. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

18 minutes ago, Xahm said:

Thanks, all. We do a lot of talking while calm, and it really does help. Most of the time, he appreciates cool logic and does well with rational discussion. I think that makes it harder on him when he's out of control because he hates that feeling. Today we talked about how he could ask for 5 when he starts feeling it welling up, and I'll give him 5 minutes to cool down before checking in. We may have to play with the timing, but I'll remind him of that option in the morning before starting school stuff. 

For the most part, he only dumps on me and dh. His siblings just get growled at and pushed aside and a few "shut ups" as he storms away. If course that can be hurtful, but even when he's angry he's not trying to hurt others.

I think I'll get the explosive child book. His improvement over time makes me feel like we are on the right path, but because this was not the method modeled when I was a child, I have self doubt. The way I saw it handled with my brothers clearly didn't help, but that's still sometimes my mental norm, even when I'm concisely choosing a different way. Some outside reinforcement can shore things up. 

From what you’ve described in this thread, I think you’re doing a great job handling this. He’s still pretty young and he’s definitely at an age to feel things bigger than his maturity level can handle. With your guidance I think he will mature to manage those big feelings better by the time he’s a teen/young adult.

Hang in there ((hugs))

Edited August 25, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[prairiewindmomma]

I forgot to link this above:

https://zonesofregulation.com/index.html

https://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm

[Melissa in Australia]

We have specialists helping us.  We have 2 boys with many disabilities including RAD.   When they are dysregulated they are not using prefrontal lobes,  but rather aymigdala fight or flight brain.  Reasoning,  thinking etc will not work at that moment

Twin 2 explodes more inwardly.  He generally becomes dysregulated or freezes when he needs to do any thing that he views as work.  Including eating. Breathing out can help.  We have a huge amount of breathing sensory toys.  Whistles,  spinney things,  hovering blow pipes  etc within arm reach through the house.  He also has calming down puppets that he has been trained to use with therapists.  The trouble is getting him to use them quick enough as he goes from calm to exploding in a split second,  no time to implement anything. it happens multiple times of the day.  He has had huge improvements though.  When he came to live with us at age 3 1/2 he screamed for 6 hours a day. 

Twin 1 explodes outwards,  particularly towards me.  He feels safest with me I guess and knows he can safely rage and I will mostly remain very calm.  He yells, screams abuse, and occasionally hits and spits at me a  many times a day.

I can mostly mentally detach myself from the rage.  I imagine myself a rock in the ocean and their anger is a wave washing over me.  And really especially twin 1 you can physically feel his anger washing all over just like a  huge angry wave.

  I personally know these boys story.  They have reasons that their brain is damaged to act like this. This helps us view their outbursts as not directed at us intentionally. Dh and I cope by having a whole team of professionals helping us,  by tag parenting,  where we take it in turns all day long to be the one with the boys so the other gets a break,  having respite and also reflecting together that we are making their childhood as safe and as happy as we can. 

For us I didn't find the explosive child book helpful at all.  I realise it isn't written with traumatised foster children in mind.  But I found some of it to almost be blaming the parents. 

[prairiewindmomma]

On 8/24/2022 at 6:32 PM, Melissa in Australia said:

We have specialists helping us.  We have 2 boys with many disabilities including RAD.   When they are dysregulated they are not using prefrontal lobes,  but rather aymigdala fight or flight brain.  Reasoning,  thinking etc will not work at that moment

Twin 2 explodes more inwardly.  He generally becomes dysregulated or freezes when he needs to do any thing that he views as work.  Including eating. Breathing out can help.  We have a huge amount of breathing sensory toys.  Whistles,  spinney things,  hovering blow pipes  etc within arm reach through the house.  He also has calming down puppets that he has been trained to use with therapists.  The trouble is getting him to use them quick enough as he goes from calm to exploding in a split second,  no time to implement anything. it happens multiple times of the day.  He has had huge improvements though.  When he came to live with us at age 3 1/2 he screamed for 6 hours a day. 

Twin 1 explodes outwards,  particularly towards me.  He feels safest with me I guess and knows he can safely rage and I will mostly remain very calm.  He yells, screams abuse, and occasionally hits and spits at me a  many times a day.

I can mostly mentally detach myself from the rage.  I imagine myself a rock in the ocean and their anger is a wave washing over me.  And really especially twin 1 you can physically feel his anger washing all over just like a  huge angry wave.

  I personally know these boys story.  They have reasons that their brain is damaged to act like this. This helps us view their outbursts as not directed at us intentionally. Dh and I cope by having a whole team of professionals helping us,  by tag parenting,  where we take it in turns all day long to be the one with the boys so the other gets a break,  having respite and also reflecting together that we are making their childhood as safe and as happy as we can. 

For us I didn't find the explosive child book helpful at all.  I realise it isn't written with traumatised foster children in mind.  But I found some of it to almost be blaming the parents. 

I agree it’s not trauma-informed or appropriate for those with RAD or intellectual disability. I don’t think OP is dealing with any of that though.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Do I take the door off its hinges so it can't be slammed?

It's just as easy, and a lot less problematic, to just put a small doohicky on the door to keep it from being slammed. There's things you can put on the hinges, and things you can put on the doorframe.