School Avoidance in Teens

[NewIma]

Dd15 is struggling with severe anxiety and depression. We are seeing some improvement  in her appetite, and less self isolating with new meds, but things are only getting worse with her school work. Basically, any and all school work causes her to panic. This is not her being lazy, but her anxiety and depression. We are trying to get her in a partial day program to help us navigate this, but has anyone else dealt with this? Any tips for how to navigate this and building her resilience with school work? 

Eta: we do homeschool! But even her school work at home is causing panic.

Edited December 20, 2021 by NewIma

[Farrar]

No words of wisdom, but just to say I've heard of so many cases of this in the last year. Hopefully that will mean that people will be understanding and experts will have good thoughts.

[Beth S]

Never mind.  Advice was irrelevant!

Edited December 20, 2021 by Beth S

[NewIma]

To clarify, we do homeschool and have since the beginning! I can't get her to do her school work at home.

[Beth S]

24 minutes ago, NewIma said:

To clarify, we do homeschool and have since the beginning! I can't get her to do her school work at home.

Oh, I'm sorry!  Misunderstanding.

 

[NewIma]

12 minutes ago, Beth S said:

Oh, I'm sorry!  Misunderstanding.

 

No worries! Thank you!

[Innisfree]

I have dealt with this when we were homeschooling. My kid was younger than yours at the time, so the solutions might look different.

For us, what worked best was starting very small with what I asked: for example, 2-3 math problems (eta: this was our daily total at first) at a difficulty level well below what dd could actually do. Every success was rewarded, no matter how small. You'd need to find an age-appropriate reward, since I doubt an M&M would be a compelling prize for a teen, but you get the idea. I sat with dd the whole time, and monitored her mood closely, adding incentives or reducing work depending on what she needed to keep her going.

The key was consistent expectations of *work*, but flexibility on my part about *what work* and especially *how much work.* And, then, rewarding everything she did, and * s l o w l y * and steadily increasing my demands, always paying attention to her mood and ability *right at that moment.*

As we got past the "do three math problems and call it good" stage, I'd selectively cross off assorted problems on her lesson, sometimes as a reward for doing another section she had just finished, sometimes because I knew she understood those, sometimes just for the heck of it. The point became that compliance and success were rewarded with less work. Eventually I could look at the lesson, cross off several problems, and she'd happily go do the rest on her own.

I don't know if any of this will help, but maybe it will. We just needed to reduce the anxiety associated with perceiving a mountain of work, and make sure she had successes more often than failures. I hope you can find something that works for you.

Edited December 20, 2021 by Innisfree

[lewelma]

I would suggest that you don't give her 'school work.' Have her read what interests her and simply write down what she did during the day. For my younger, who has always struggled to work independently, I just never made him do it. My dh reads to him at night still at 17 and they discuss. They have done cell biology, classic novels, history, political science, anything and everything. During the day, I would sit next to him and research on dualing computers whatever we were interested in studying. For math, I still scribed for him at 15 (he has dysgraphia), but that also reduced the pressure and frustration because we were doing it all together. I never gave tests in my homeschool nor did I give grades. 

I would simply make learning into life and ditch a school approach. 

[kristin0713]

Does it make a difference if you are sitting with her and supporting her through the work? 

[sgo95]

My DD17 has been struggling with this, but perhaps for different reasons than your DD.  Some background: we've always homeschooled and my kids have all been academically inclined. I grew up with an Asian "tiger mom" and resented that, so with my kids I tried not to equate academic achievement to success in life. Despite this, DD17 has been pressuring herself for perfection in schoolwork throughout high school. She worked 10-12 hr/day in 9th and 10th grade, which I thought was excessive. I tried to talk her down and encouraged her to aim for the 80/20 rule without much success. In April of 11th grade, she hit a wall and 12 hrs of schoolwork a day turned into 10 hrs of crying and 1-2 hrs of some schoolwork maybe.  We limped through the beginning of May, she took her AP exams, and was off for the summer. Over the summer, she had trouble doing any summer school work (we usually do something light over the summer). Even an hour's worth a day caused hours of crying and meltdowns.

I've talked with DD17 at length about why she feels overwhelmed, and from what she describes, deep down she feels like if she can't get near perfect scores/grades, that means she isn't a good person, she won't succeed in life, her teachers will think badly of her (which devastates her), etc.  When I can reach her in a calm moment (for her and for me), we can discuss this...that this is distorted anxious thinking, that this is untrue, irrational, negative...and she can feel calmer and is able to face her work.

DD17 is a senior now and is doing ok. She and I agreed she should have a light load this year. She doesn't melt down every day anymore--more like twice a week. It doesn't last all day either--maybe just a morning of tears.  It helps if she can get outside in the morning everyday for some exercise. But it's still a struggle for her.

So I don't know if any of this is relevant or helpful, but lots of sympathy for both you and your DD.

[City Mouse]

I’ve never dealt with a kid with those issues who was already homeschooling, but here is my totally uniformed, and possibly bad, suggestion. 

what about taking away the stress of school work, but making a schedule for desk time where she could do simple stuff like word searches, crossword puzzles, even coloring if she doesn’t think that is too babyish. Then once she can tolerate that for a decent amount of time, start making the tasks a little bit academic but still stuff that you know is easy for her like basic math or reading worksheet that is below her level, and then gradually increase the complexity of the academic task.

[prairiewindmomma]

There is an entire rabbit hole of research on school avoidance. Most therapeutic treatment involves exposure therapy/desensitization and CBT….but I highly recommend you do a full evaluation to rule out learning differences and get a gauge on processing speed and other stuff. Also, be careful about rewarding the wrong behavior. I really recommend therapy on top of meds.
 

 

[livetoread]

I have dealt with this in a teen. What helped some was very short timed sessions accompanied by breathing and relaxation exercises. It's important that she not avoid it altogether because that reinforces her fears, but also not to overwhelm her to the point she's incapable. None of that works though if she's not willing to do any work at all and not willing to try. 

But if she is, give lots of encouragement around how it will get better and she can be strong. Strong might not feel very strong at first because it might mean doing three problems or reading for five minutes without a panic attack, but help her see it is. It's gradual, baby steps towards the goal and pairing what helps her feel more relaxed every step of the way. Slowly increase the time/amount of work with lots of breaks (and preferably the breaks come before the anxiety gets too strong). Slow, even breathing, relaxing the shoulders, holding a warm drink, telling herself I can do this even though it's uncomfortable - it won't last long, holding a stuffed animal, etc. Part of the panic comes from feeling like it's always going to be this way or may even get worse, and lots of reassurance that many, many people have overcome this helps. 

Focus on today, know it's baby steps, you being calm and focused on helping her take those baby steps is good. Help her see it's okay to be uncomfortable - that's her body looking out for her and trying to protect her from something it thinks is dangerous, but her body is doing its job a little too well and needs to learn that schoolwork isn't the threat it thinks it is and it will learn that in time. Every bit she can do while calm retrains her body to not see it as a threat. Some teens might like a graph showing their progress, but others (mine) would not.

Often in a teen all this is received better coming from a therapist or a book/video/podcast though so there's that. Even when you have a good relationship, they might take in more from other sources. YMMV

[NewIma]

On 12/20/2021 at 5:30 PM, kristin0713 said:

Does it make a difference if you are sitting with her and supporting her through the work? 

We do try that and sometimes  it helps and sometimes it doesn't unfortunately...

[NewIma]

On 12/20/2021 at 4:51 PM, Innisfree said:

I have dealt with this when we were homeschooling. My kid was younger than yours at the time, so the solutions might look different.

For us, what worked best was starting very small with what I asked: for example, 2-3 math problems (eta: this was our daily total at first) at a difficulty level well below what dd could actually do. Every success was rewarded, no matter how small. You'd need to find an age-appropriate reward, since I doubt an M&M would be a compelling prize for a teen, but you get the idea. I sat with dd the whole time, and monitored her mood closely, adding incentives or reducing work depending on what she needed to keep her going.

The key was consistent expectations of *work*, but flexibility on my part about *what work* and especially *how much work.* And, then, rewarding everything she did, and * s l o w l y * and steadily increasing my demands, always paying attention to her mood and ability *right at that moment.*

As we got past the "do three math problems and call it good" stage, I'd selectively cross off assorted problems on her lesson, sometimes as a reward for doing another section she had just finished, sometimes because I knew she understood those, sometimes just for the heck of it. The point became that compliance and success were rewarded with less work. Eventually I could look at the lesson, cross off several problems, and she'd happily go do the rest on her own.

I don't know if any of this will help, but maybe it will. We just needed to reduce the anxiety associated with perceiving a mountain of work, and make sure she had successes more often than failures. I hope you can find something that works for you.

This is super helpful. After break, maybe we start by doing 10 minutes for each subject. I am going to marinate on this a lot. Thank you.

[NewIma]

On 12/20/2021 at 6:24 PM, sgo95 said:

My DD17 has been struggling with this, but perhaps for different reasons than your DD.  Some background: we've always homeschooled and my kids have all been academically inclined. I grew up with an Asian "tiger mom" and resented that, so with my kids I tried not to equate academic achievement to success in life. Despite this, DD17 has been pressuring herself for perfection in schoolwork throughout high school. She worked 10-12 hr/day in 9th and 10th grade, which I thought was excessive. I tried to talk her down and encouraged her to aim for the 80/20 rule without much success. In April of 11th grade, she hit a wall and 12 hrs of schoolwork a day turned into 10 hrs of crying and 1-2 hrs of some schoolwork maybe.  We limped through the beginning of May, she took her AP exams, and was off for the summer. Over the summer, she had trouble doing any summer school work (we usually do something light over the summer). Even an hour's worth a day caused hours of crying and meltdowns.

I've talked with DD17 at length about why she feels overwhelmed, and from what she describes, deep down she feels like if she can't get near perfect scores/grades, that means she isn't a good person, she won't succeed in life, her teachers will think badly of her (which devastates her), etc.  When I can reach her in a calm moment (for her and for me), we can discuss this...that this is distorted anxious thinking, that this is untrue, irrational, negative...and she can feel calmer and is able to face her work.

DD17 is a senior now and is doing ok. She and I agreed she should have a light load this year. She doesn't melt down every day anymore--more like twice a week. It doesn't last all day either--maybe just a morning of tears.  It helps if she can get outside in the morning everyday for some exercise. But it's still a struggle for her.

So I don't know if any of this is relevant or helpful, but lots of sympathy for both you and your DD.

Yes-self pressure is a thing here too. I want her to do her work, but she puts such pressure on herself to do it "perfectly". I'm glad that you guys are in a healthier place than before, even if she is still struggling. This stuff is so freaking hard.

[NewIma]

On 12/20/2021 at 6:43 PM, City Mouse said:

I’ve never dealt with a kid with those issues who was already homeschooling, but here is my totally uniformed, and possibly bad, suggestion. 

what about taking away the stress of school work, but making a schedule for desk time where she could do simple stuff like word searches, crossword puzzles, even coloring if she doesn’t think that is too babyish. Then once she can tolerate that for a decent amount of time, start making the tasks a little bit academic but still stuff that you know is easy for her like basic math or reading worksheet that is below her level, and then gradually increase the complexity of the academic task.

This is a good idea. Easy material to ease her back in and build confidence. Thank you. I will be brainstorming some ideas for this.

[NewIma]

On 12/20/2021 at 7:04 PM, prairiewindmomma said:

There is an entire rabbit hole of research on school avoidance. Most therapeutic treatment involves exposure therapy/desensitization and CBT….but I highly recommend you do a full evaluation to rule out learning differences and get a gauge on processing speed and other stuff. Also, be careful about rewarding the wrong behavior. I really recommend therapy on top of meds.
 

 

I have been avoiding reading too much about  school avoidance  because it makes me feel panicked. Ironic I know! I am hoping this partial therapeutic day program we are on the wait list for might be able to help us with exposure therapy or something like that. We had a useless  therapist for her for a while and finally started with someone who seems to know his stuff last week. We are trying to get as much help and support for her as possible but it is so overwhelming. Like, if all she is doing is crying, is it rewarding her by not making her do school? Maybe it is a reward, but there is no way I can actually get her to do it. She is too upset. I feel like we need to get her in a slightly better place mentally first, but I'm not an expert.

[NewIma]

On 12/20/2021 at 7:21 PM, livetoread said:

I have dealt with this in a teen. What helped some was very short timed sessions accompanied by breathing and relaxation exercises. It's important that she not avoid it altogether because that reinforces her fears, but also not to overwhelm her to the point she's incapable. None of that works though if she's not willing to do any work at all and not willing to try. 

But if she is, give lots of encouragement around how it will get better and she can be strong. Strong might not feel very strong at first because it might mean doing three problems or reading for five minutes without a panic attack, but help her see it is. It's gradual, baby steps towards the goal and pairing what helps her feel more relaxed every step of the way. Slowly increase the time/amount of work with lots of breaks (and preferably the breaks come before the anxiety gets too strong). Slow, even breathing, relaxing the shoulders, holding a warm drink, telling herself I can do this even though it's uncomfortable - it won't last long, holding a stuffed animal, etc. Part of the panic comes from feeling like it's always going to be this way or may even get worse, and lots of reassurance that many, many people have overcome this helps. 

Focus on today, know it's baby steps, you being calm and focused on helping her take those baby steps is good. Help her see it's okay to be uncomfortable - that's her body looking out for her and trying to protect her from something it thinks is dangerous, but her body is doing its job a little too well and needs to learn that schoolwork isn't the threat it thinks it is and it will learn that in time. Every bit she can do while calm retrains her body to not see it as a threat. Some teens might like a graph showing their progress, but others (mine) would not.

Often in a teen all this is received better coming from a therapist or a book/video/podcast though so there's that. Even when you have a good relationship, they might take in more from other sources. YMMV

Thank you so much for this. The small incremental approach  with lots of talk about strength makes a lot of sense.  She is beating herself up so much emotionally. We need to help her believe she can do this again. 

Right now, I think it is impossible.  Hopefully, with another few weeks of her new meds over break and some more therapy, we can start with small steps in the beginning of January.  Do you think that sounds ok?

[BusyMom5]

I dont have advice for your DD, but for you 🙂 When I'm in a place where school isn't getting done to my standards, it helps if I stop and make a list of the Life Things my kids are learning or doing.  Things like cooking, cleaning, discussing movies, dreams, politics, organizational skills, helping others, focusing on mental health,  exercise, driving (if old enough), clothing care and repair (buttons, hemming)- the list is endless,  but maybe my list will help you form one of your own, depending on what else she is doing all day! 

[livetoread]

1 minute ago, NewIma said:

Thank you so much for this. The small incremental approach  with lots of talk about strength makes a lot of sense.  She is beating herself up so much emotionally. We need to help her believe she can do this again. 

Right now, I think it is impossible.  Hopefully, with another few weeks of her new meds over break and some more therapy, we can start with small steps in the beginning of January.  Do you think that sounds ok?

Absolutely. Maybe some mindfulness work in the meantime would help. Focusing on the present with her senses and checking herself when she starts to worry about the future. There are lots of resources to help with that including apps like Calm. Sounds like she's spiraling bad right now, but it certainly won't always be this bad, and she will learn tools to help her pull herself out of the spirals. Keep telling her it will get better and she will learn all sorts of tools to use when she needs to. Only she will be able to figure out which ones work best for her and when, and that will take some time, but she will do it. Telling her it's hard now, yes, but she's just at the beginning of learning those tools and with knowledge and practice she won't feel this bad. Any distractions that get her out of her head temporarily might help like playing a mindless video game or talking about things other than how she's feeling. I learned that asking my daughter about fun things she's done with her friends often lifts her mood and distracts her for a bit. Just throwing stuff out there and hoping some of it helps.

It helped my daughter to go through spirals and learn that they do get better and that they are shorter and less intense with tools. She is more confident about handling them now, even though they still happen, because she doesn't feel as helpless. 

 

[GoodGrief3]

We have dealt with a lot of teen anxiety/depression through the years here. Honestly, it's likely going to be rough for a few years. It sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing by trying to get the right combination of professional help. It is so very difficult to get that part in place.

As far as school, you will just do the best you can. Something to consider if your state laws allow is block scheduling. Just do one subject at a time. It might be useful to have frequent help from a kind/friendly tutor for certain problematic subjects, whatever they might be. If it is possible to lower the stress of a subject, do it. Videos, reading for history is just fine, There will likely be a need for a lot of hanging out nearby to keep her going. Accept that the situation is not perfect, but you are dealing with chronic illness. It is what it is.