How do I handle this with co-op leadership?!

[Ruthie]

I had written a post asking for advice on dealing with disappointments concerning hsers last week. Thanks to those who wrote. That issue was dealt with. Buut I knew new problems would arise and it did, yet again.

 

My big issue with this co-op is the leadership and how incapable they seem when it comes to handling kids. Thing is, is it me? Maybe they are right and I am wrong in my ways and beliefs? This is my 3rd co-op ( I move alot) and I have never had these problems before!!

 

They have the kids separated by age. Every week, they come home to tell me about how one or another kid is bothering them, or how another kid is poking, prodding, grabbing them. I have been a helper in these classes and have spent many hours just quietly observing, and I would have to agree with my boys. The classes are out of control to some degree. Here's the kicker. It's usually a child of one the leaders who acts up the most in one way or another. Because I have witnessed first hand some of these things (calling a autisic child "mental retard", back talking to teacher, throwing things into the face of other kids, etc etc). I am aware of what is going on. But now, when one of these other kids do something to my kid, the other kid lies about it, and then I get a notice! Today, one of the kids kicked my one son. My son pushed him. Teacher steps in. Other kid claims it was an accident. My son gets rebuked. Like can a teacher really believe a kid, whom they themselves have to correct constantly, when he says, I didn't mean to kick him?

 

My kids are getting so frustrated, my one son tells me, if these adults don't change, he needs to start lying, too.

 

What do I do?

 

Ruthie

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why are you in a co-op? If it is for socialization reasons you're getting the wrong kind there and should just not do co-op.

If it is for learning reasons are they able to really learn if this kind of stuff is going on?

 

I know that I'm biased because we've never done a co-op and my kids are well socialized and well taught. We get together with other friends (with all sorts of educational methods and philosophies) because they are people who treat us well and who like us and we like them back!

[Karenciavo]

If all that is indeed going on I would not stay, but I would request an exit interview. I would also address your son's faulty logic, I hope he was kidding.

[Harriet Vane]

Run away fast.

 

I have been involved in a couple co-ops, including two currently. I have nothing against co-ops. However, the situation you describe is toxic and the power within that situation is unbalanced. The power structure is what will make this difficult (if not impossible) to resolve. This is going to go nowhere good. End it now before it gets worse.

[Parrothead]

I wouldn't stay. Actually I'd start finding like-minded parents and form my own group with a few ground rules.

[newlifemom]

Why are you in a co-op? If it is for socialization reasons you're getting the wrong kind there and should just not do co-op.

If it is for learning reasons are they able to really learn if this kind of stuff is going on?

 

I know that I'm biased because we've never done a co-op and my kids are well socialized and well taught. We get together with other friends (with all sorts of educational methods and philosophies) because they are people who treat us well and who like us and we like them back!

 

:iagree:

[abbeyej]

Yes, I agree with Karen. It sounds like your kids are getting nothing positive out of *this*particular* co-op. There are other, better ways to get whatever it is you were *hoping* to get out of this one.

[teamturner]

I've been in my co-op for 3 years now and that kind of behavior would not be tolerated. What is their behavior policy? Is there one? If this behavior is acceptable to the leaders (even if it is their own dc) then I have to say that you need to drop that co-op. It's not going to encourage good behavior in your dc, help them in their learning, or make any lasting friendships so what's the point?

[Soph the vet]

Speaking as the Chair of a 30 family co-op, I would ask you to please inform the leadership of every concern that you have and be as candid as possible. How will things every change for the better unless the leaders know what is going on. I rely on every mom in our co-op to keep me informed because I cannot be everywhere and have many plates spinning in the air on co-op mornings. I agree with the others who said you may want to leave this co-op but please leave in a way that the leaders understand the problems so they will hopefully address them.:001_smile:

[caryn]

I'm sorry to hear that. If I was in the situation, I will back out of the co-op if I can and maybe try somewhere else.

 

Caryn

[Peek a Boo]

I like co-ops, but I'd be outta there. since this is the holiday season, it's generally a good time to split ;)

 

There is a co-op locally that is REKNOWN for having a horrible family: one of the leaders has an out of control kid, but since it's "her" co-op, nothing can be done.

 

I would absolutely write a letter detailing why i was leaving [so you don't get interrupted or forget anything], ending w/ a simple "this just isn't a good fit for our family," wish them well in their future endeavors, and move on. I might even siphon off a few good families and start my own co-op.

 

good luck!

[angela in ohio]

I was in a co-op years ago with this same problem. We actually had a "special meeting" where we all got "spoken to" about a certain behavioral problem, and it came out that it was two leaders' children that had done it. I drove 30 minutes to get yelled at for something the woman yelling's kid had done. :( That about summed up that experience.

 

And I'm leaving a co-op now for behavior reasons. Again, one of the big problems was someone in leadership's child. It seems to be a very common problem. I am super-sensitive about it with my own dc (I direct a CC campus, and my dc are on notice every moment.)

 

I would leave in a heartbeat.

[Ruthie]

Thank you, Everyone, for your replies.

 

I wish I could leave, but my kids are well liked and have nice friends (other than the troublemakers). They don't want to leave and considering how much we have moved, I want to honor their wishes. Ugh, but at this rate, I need to pray that they will want to leave themselves.

 

I did encourage my son to not stoop to their level with the lying :glare:.

 

But it makes me calmer to know it isn't me, cause I started to really question myself!!

 

Pray for me!

Thanks again,

Ruthie

[coffeefreak]

Thank you, Everyone, for your replies.

 

I wish I could leave, but my kids are well liked and have nice friends (other than the troublemakers). They don't want to leave and considering how much we have moved, I want to honor their wishes. Ugh, but at this rate, I need to pray that they will want to leave themselves.

 

I did encourage my son to not stoop to their level with the lying :glare:.

 

But it makes me calmer to know it isn't me, cause I started to really question myself!!

 

Pray for me!

Thanks again,

Ruthie

 

Ruthie,

Then I would DEFINITELY go to the leadership and address the issues. All the co-ops I've belonged to have parent meetings once a quarter, or even every meeting. During those meetings, we've been allowed to address our concerns. I think ALL co-ops experience these kinds of problems, it's always how leadership and the individual mothers handle it. If you're met with the attitude that it's your problem, not theirs, AUGH!!! However, you may be surprised to find that other Moms agree with you, thus forcing the leadership to deal with the problems.

Blessings!

Dorinda

[Jennifer3141]

Does your co-op have parent meetings or an amil list where this can calmly be discussed?

 

Jen

[74Heaven]

The classes are out of control to some degree. Here's the kicker. It's usually a child of one the leaders who acts up the most in one way or another. Because I have witnessed first hand some of these things (calling a autisic child "mental retard", back talking to teacher, throwing things into the face of other kids, etc etc). I am aware of what is going on. But now, when one of these other kids do something to my kid, the other kid lies about it, and then I get a notice! Today, one of the kids kicked my one son. My son pushed him. Teacher steps in. Other kid claims it was an accident. My son gets rebuked. Like can a teacher really believe a kid, whom they themselves have to correct constantly, when he says, I didn't mean to kick him?

 

Ruthie

 

 

Obviously from the other posts, my pov won't be popular. And I don't deny there may be a problem *and* it might be serious enough to leave over.

 

In the example - both children were disruptive and shared blame. I would discipline my child for pushing the other child. His being provoked is no excuse - he used physical violence and that is wrong. A child is going to have to hear that many times before he/she understands that he/she is responsible for his/her own self control regardless of the "other person". I can't discipline or control the other kid - so I would focus on helping my child to focus on his/her fault and take ownership of how he acted and what he could change.

 

I would also sugg. maybe the classes can have a "discipline monitor" who does the disciplining for the teacher and thus allows the teacher to teach while someone else disciplines, removes students, watches for misbehavior, etc.

 

I would cut the teacher some slack because it is extremely hard to teach and then resolve-a kick/push episode on the spot. We've all punished the wrong child and as the saying goes (and I've taught my kids) "they always catch the one who retaliates". And a teacher is usually trying to quickly resolve the situation that is being disruptive to the whole class. I know I do. As a teacher, my attitude is more "I don't care who did what... let's get back to geography." I don't always "believe" the kids involved but geography would never get done if I listened to the whole drawn out he did/she did story.

 

Lastly, I want to admit that I have some ADD children who have some self control issues. They aren't necessarily worse thany other kids but they are more apt to be vying for attention from a classmate or friendship and pursue it inappropriately. My now 9yob who is a model kid *now* but he (a LEADER's KID) was getting sent home from Bible Club 2-3x a year when he was 6-7yo and getting warnings often as well (Bible Club has a count system of 5 disobeys/inappropriates). I didn't always *feel* they were fair or just with him but I knew their heart was not to punish or single out my son - but to keep the group running smoothly and minimize problems.

 

I have more of a "people are messy" philosophy of friendship, mothering and co ops. Issues are bound to come up but keep trying to resolve them and keep our eye on loving the other - but most of all - keep working on relationships - even tho they are often HARD.

 

In Christ

Lisa