What does your young adult do in the area of chores

[hippiemamato3]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

True today he went in to work at 4 so of course I don't expect him to wake up at 6 and spend the entire day slaving away on chores. I mean I don't expect that even on his days off.  But Monday he was off.  Which is what I was first discussing in this thread.  But even when he works I do expect him to pitch in and do a thing or two to help the house smoothly just like his dad and I do every night after we get home from our full time jobs.  

 

If you could work less, would you? I wonder if that's part of the issue, that you resent having to work full time? 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

If you could work less, would you? I wonder if that's part of the issue, that you resent having to work full time? 

I am currently working full time due to the Pandemic and my work mate having a medically fragile spouse so she is not working.  I won't be doing it permanently.  I don't mind working full time, but I can't stand for the house to fall apart.   

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

That’s what I figured. It would be so hard to not be frustrated when 1. Finances dictate I must work more than I want. 2. I’d rather BE HOME doing the housework myself the way I want it done 3. I’m tired and my house, which I love and want to enjoy, is messy and dirty. 4. One adult in the house doesn’t care (it’s not personal but still irritating)
 

so yes, time to readjust chore expectations and I’d  have to remind myself that 1-3 aren’t all that one persons fault.

This is a super helpful and kind post.  Thank you.  

[hippiemamato3]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am currently working full time due to the Pandemic and my work mate having a medically fragile spouse so she is not working.  I won't be doing it permanently.  I don't mind working full time, but I can't stand for the house to fall apart.   

I understand. I've finally gotten things under control here, and I do get annoyed when it starts to fall apart. Hopefully you can come to an agreement with your DH and SS to make everyone happy. 

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, *Jessica* said:

I don’t think your list for today is unreasonable at all for an adult who lives in your home rent free.  I do think a conversation about division of labor amongst the 3 of you is in order, though. 

Thanks.  The conversation is forth coming but I haven't had time to get a list of chores together.  I just needed something today to get a few things done.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

I understand. I've finally gotten things under control here, and I do get annoyed when it starts to fall apart. Hopefully you can come to an agreement with your DH and SS to make everyone happy. 

Thank you.  I am sure it will be fine.  

[Scarlett]

23 hours ago, theelfqueen said:

My 19 year old does very little (which annoys me) ... he does dishes when he eats a family meal at home because his brother does all the rest of the dishes -frequently including things lazily left in sink by 19 year old... he does his own laundry when I harass him about it. He changes his sheets and cleans his bathroom - when I harass him about it. He takes out the trash rarely - again mostly falls to 15 year old but hes supposed to do it. 

This is dss.  Well, I would not even say I have to harass him. But I do get tired of having to repeatedly remind him about things.  Apparently from what you and others are saying this is very common with young adults. 

So I will just try to remind him instead of getting annoyed.

[Jentrovert]

4 hours ago, katilac said:

This really does not compute with me. He's just like a renter, except he's not paying rent? 

Lol Yeah, that was clear as mud, wasn't it?

I meant in regards to thinking about what things he should be expected to do around the house. Like, if someone rents out a room, you don't send them lists of things to do and you don't expect them to spend their time off from work doing home maintenance. That's your job as the homeowner. You'd be doing that whether he was there or not. You expect them to care for their own areas and leave the common areas neat. Maybe other things, in lieu of payment, but have things agreed upon up front, just as you would with anyone else who rented a room. You can choose to slash the rent, maybe down to $ 0, but it's a relationship with an adult, not a child.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Jentrovert said:

Lol Yeah, that was clear as mud, wasn't it?

I meant in regards to thinking about what things he should be expected to do around the house. Like, if someone rents out a room, you don't send them lists of things to do and you don't expect them to spend their time off from work doing home maintenance. That's your job as the homeowner. You'd be doing that whether he was there or not. You expect them to care for their own areas and leave the common areas neat. Maybe other things, in lieu of payment, but have things agreed upon up front, just as you would with anyone else who rented a room. You can choose to slash the rent, maybe down to $ 0, but it's a relationship with an adult, not a child.

Except I would never have a renter in my home unless I was in dire need of money.  So I can't really think of him as a renter because I would evict him.  LOL  

But both your posts were helpful and kind, so thank you.  I am going to lower my expectations while also coming up with a clear list of what those expectations are.  

I think we are close to this problem solving itself because his friend has bought a fixer house and as soon as he gets it livable he is going to rent a room to dss.  I think it is a good option for them.  I talked to him for a long time about clear expectations in that situation.  He has already told his friend that mowing the yard won't be part of his rent.  But he doesn't mind trimming.  LOL  I also suggested they have a written agreement about everything, not just the money part.  So he is thinking about it.  He thinks his friend is a slob who won't care about keeping things clean, but the friend's mom said 'I don't know he might turn into a clean freak when it is his own place.' 

So anyway, if he is going to be moving out in the next 6 months to a year I guess I can deal with more than I really want to. 

[Scarlett]

On 9/22/2020 at 5:01 PM, Catwoman said:

Yes, although if I was working full time, I would probably just hire people to do the cooking and housework if I felt I couldn’t handle it on my own (and Covid wasn’t an issue.) We don’t have any household help now due to Covid, but since there are only three of us, it’s no big deal, and the landscapers can still maintain the outdoor areas because they never have to come inside the house. 

As for your dss — he is working 30 hours a week, so it’s not like he’s sitting around the house all day doing nothing, and he must be on his feet all day at Lowe’s, so he’s not exactly lounging around, sitting at a desk answering a phone and not getting tired. I don’t think I would begrudge him a day off by making him spend a good part of the day cleaning the house. 

I know you say you don’t resent him living with you, but everything you post makes it seem as though he is a burden on you.  I don’t know if you realize it, but you are very critical of just about everything that kid does, and it really does come across as though you wish he would just move out. I’m not saying you actually feel that way, but that’s how you’re coming across. 

I think others have already given you the best advice, and that is to sit down with your dh and dss and divide up the tasks that need to be done, and if necessary, set up a schedule so your dss can look at it and see what he needs to do each day. 

I get the impression that he is basically a good kid and he is willing to be helpful, but that he needs direct assignments, because he doesn’t “see” things like the salt and pepper being left on the counter as being a big deal, and he needs more specific instructions. I know that might be a nuisance for a while, but once he develops the habit of doing X thing on Monday and Y thing on Tuesday, hopefully it will become automatic for him... and make your life a lot easier in the long run.

Well, good for you Cat.  Truly.  But you can file this under not helpful to me and probably most of us here.  It might be on the Group 'Rich Wives of TWTM'.  

And yes he does need direct assignments which is what that list was today that you felt was too much.  Even though it would take maybe 30 minutes to do it all.  Dh and I will come up with a plan and talk to dss.  We won't be home at the same time as him until next week sometime.

[Jentrovert]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Except I would never have a renter in my home unless I was in dire need of money.  So I can't really think of him as a renter because I would evict him.  LOL  

But both your posts were helpful and kind, so thank you.  I am going to lower my expectations while also coming up with a clear list of what those expectations are.  

I think we are close to this problem solving itself because his friend has bought a fixer house and as soon as he gets it livable he is going to rent a room to dss.  I think it is a good option for them.  I talked to him for a long time about clear expectations in that situation.  He has already told his friend that mowing the yard won't be part of his rent.  But he doesn't mind trimming.  LOL  I also suggested they have a written agreement about everything, not just the money part.  So he is thinking about it.  He thinks his friend is a slob who won't care about keeping things clean, but the friend's mom said 'I don't know he might turn into a clean freak when it is his own place.' 

So anyway, if he is going to be moving out in the next 6 months to a year I guess I can deal with more than I really want to. 

LOL I still shudder when I think about visiting my brother and his roommates in their early 20's. I was not allowed to even see parts of the house. Every time I went, I cleaned the kitchen. (Not that I had to, kind of as a gift, haha) 

But, that helps a lot, that there is a planned end to the situation. The bolded sounds like an excellent way forward. 

I'm all for written agreements for things like that, even between friends. It just heads off so many possible problems. 

I have only experienced one side of this situation (I lived at home for several years as a young adult), but I think it is difficult for everyone. I mean, sure, as parents you're glad to help out . . . but also, they're not like small children where you can set and enforce rules in the same way. And it's your house! And they may or may not be living in the way you raised them to. In the opposite direction, they want independence and freedom to do things their way. 

It's just a lot of adjustment and compromise in both directions. (((Hugs))) 

 

[QueenCat]

7 hours ago, Catwoman said:

LOL! You seem pretty nice to me! 

.  

She is... I've met her a few times. 

[Jentrovert]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He has already told his friend that mowing the yard won't be part of his rent.  But he doesn't mind trimming.  LOL  

LOL My very first rental, part of the agreement was that I mow the lawn. I *requested* this, to save money. It was such a pain. I like to mow, but I didn't really have time to do it. Lesson learned.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Jentrovert said:

LOL I still shudder when I think about visiting my brother and his roommates in their early 20's. I was not allowed to even see parts of the house. Every time I went, I cleaned the kitchen. (Not that I had to, kind of as a gift, haha) 

But, that helps a lot, that there is a planned end to the situation. The bolded sounds like an excellent way forward. 

I'm all for written agreements for things like that, even between friends. It just heads off so many possible problems. 

I have only experienced one side of this situation (I lived at home for several years as a young adult), but I think it is difficult for everyone. I mean, sure, as parents you're glad to help out . . . but also, they're not like small children where you can set and enforce rules in the same way. And it's your house! And they may or may not be living in the way you raised them to. In the opposite direction, they want independence and freedom to do things their way. 

It's just a lot of adjustment and compromise in both directions. (((Hugs))) 

 

Yes. So true.  Dh's youngest sister was telling me recently that she attributes most of dss' success to me.  Of course he has a wonderful dad, but the circumstances were so unstable because of the mom and step dad that I was the one who was thinking clearly and pushing dss in certain areas.  Like being able to express how he feels ect.  Holding him to a high standard about not lying to us when he still lived with his mom.  Discussing with him the kind of life he wanted and how and where best to achieve that.  He said a few weeks ago in a discussion with friends that he moved in with us because he didn't want to live the life his mom and step dad were living.  

Dh's other sister who lives in CA has 3 step children.  One boy lived with them until about a year ago.  I think he was about 20 when he moved out.  She strongly advised me to not let it get to the resentment stage because she was to that point with her step son and she said it did not end pleasantly.  She says we need to insist on proper standards of cleanliness.  I keep remembering that conversation...and this is dss' aunt who adores him and adores her brother....but she has lived through it and she understands.  She said it took her a week to clean the bathroom when her stepson moved out.

[QueenCat]

Ugh... I have no idea if there are dirty dishes in either of my adult sons bedrooms...  My youngest does quite a bit, maybe 30-45 mins a day, but it's not a struggle.  

Maybe with your extra income,  you could hire a housecleaning company? Would that release stress? Only with safe practices,  though. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Well, good for you Cat.  Truly.  But you can file this under not helpful to me and probably most of us here.  It might be on the Group 'Rich Wives of TWTM'.

 

Wow, Scarlett. Catty much? 🤨

You had said things would be different for me if I had a full time job, and I was responding to that. 

I have never suggested that we lead similar lives, but we both have young adult sons who live at home, and right now neither of us has any household help, so that’s why I have been posting on this thread. 

I try to look for things we have in common, but you always seem to insist on emphasizing our differences. 

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

Wow, Scarlett. Catty much? 🤨

You had said things would be different for me if I had a full time job, and I was responding to that. 

I have never suggested that we lead similar lives, but we both have young adult sons who live at home, and right now neither of us has any household help, so that’s why I have been posting on this thread. 

I try to look for things we have in common, but you always seem to insist on emphasizing our differences. 

 

You brought up hiring someone to cook and clean. I think you emphasized our differences. 

[freesia]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

True today he went in to work at 4 so of course I don't expect him to wake up at 6 and spend the entire day slaving away on chores. I mean I don't expect that even on his days off.  But Monday he was off.  Which is what I was first discussing in this thread.  But even when he works I do expect him to pitch in and do a thing or two to help the house smoothly just like his dad and I do every night after we get home from our full time jobs.  

 

Yes, I agree that’s reasonable.  

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You brought up hiring someone to cook and clean. I think you emphasized our differences. 

And you decided to respond to that over an entire day after I posted it? 

Yeah, right. You weren’t being catty at all. 😉

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

And you decided to respond to that over an entire day after I posted it? 

Yeah, right. You weren’t being catty at all. 😉

 

I just now saw it. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I just now saw it. 

Whatever.

Anyway, I honestly do hope you are able to work things out with your dss, both for your sake and his, but also for your dh, because I’m sure he doesn’t want to get caught in the middle of a stressful situation. 

But seriously, try to overlook some of the small stuff. I know it’s hard when you’re already feeling like you’re down to your last nerve and any little thing is almost enough to set you off, but I don’t think your dss intends to upset you. I think he’s just kind of clueless about a lot of the household stuff, and he’s still a young guy, so try to give him some grace and assume that he means well, because based on what you have said about him, I’m sure he does.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Whatever.  
lol you think it takes me a day to cone up with that response?

Anyway, I honestly do hope you are able to work things out with your dss, both for your sake and his, but also for your dh, because I’m sure he doesn’t want to get caught in the middle of a stressful situation. 

But seriously, try to overlook some of the small stuff. I know it’s hard when you’re already feeling like you’re down to your last nerve and any little thing is almost enough to set you off, but I don’t think your dss intends to upset you. I think he’s just kind of clueless about a lot of the household stuff, and he’s still a young guy, so try to give him some grace and assume that he means well, because based on what you have said about him, I’m sure he does.

I am sure you are correct. That is the goal 

 

[Lady Florida.]

Mine just turned 23 a few weeks ago. He doesn't have specific chores like he did when he was young but just takes his turn doing general things around the house. He does his own laundry and has been since he was a teen. Occasionally if I have room in a load I'll ask him if he has anything he wants me to throw in (a pair of jeans, a few shirts, etc.)  He dusts and vacuums his room though when I run the robot vac I usually let it go in his room too. He takes out the trash and recycling  - empties all wastebaskets in the house and the kitchen trash - and brings the bins in after it's been collected. If I forgot something when grocery shopping he'll often run to the store to get the items for me. We all kind of take turns feeding the cats, emptying their litterbox, unloading and reloading the dishwasher as well as general kitchen clean up. He keeps his bathroom, aka the main bathroom, clean. Although I taught him how to properly clean a bathroom he still cleans it like the 23 yo male that he is. I do have to sometimes point out what still needs to be done to make it actually clean.

Edited September 25, 2020 by Lady Florida.

[Catwoman]

Scarlett, does texting the lists of chores seem to be working out so far? 

You haven’t updated, so I’m hoping things are going well and that your dss is helping out more.

[LaughingCat]

With a young adult child (or any child from tween up actually),  I would definitely move away from that daily list of "do all these things".  I agree with those who say that you should all 3 sit down together and discuss what is reasonable chores for each person, and also discuss due dates, standards and what would be a good way to remind if a chore (or errand/bill pay)  isn't happening, including discussion of all pulling together as a family and the consequences to each of you if anyone is not doing their share (more work, messy house, whatever it is that bothers each person), with the end result  agreed on by all parties.     And this should not be a one time discussion either -- relook at it together every couple of weeks to discuss what is working and what is not for ALL parties (and if he ends up moving out, it'll give him skills to deal with the new roommate).   

One thing to be aware of though is when your standards for your house and/or yard hit a level that a non-invested (not their house or not their interest) person can be expected to meet.   For example, my DH spends hours on the yard-- but IMO that is more like a hobby and not chores. He is choosing to spend that much time on that area -- if we agreed I should take over that set of chores I would not be willing to spend nearly the time he does and he would just have to deal.  In fact we did do this with mowing because it sets off his allergies so bad, and I was clear up front that I would NOT do it to his standards nor so often as he did it although I agreed he could tell me when he felt it was getting too long.  However a 19 yo probably would not be able to be so clear so you might need to keep that in mind yourself when agreeing on standards or amount of chores.

 (and the people who are picking up all these dishes with out a single angry or mean thought are the ones that amaze me!   )