What does your young adult do in the area of chores

[Scarlett]

I wrote a long post about this in the group we have for this. So anyone who wants to help me please feel free.  

[Farrar]

Adult or older teen or either?

My 16 yos don't have specific chores. I generally ask them to do laundry, dishes, yardwork... They clean their rooms. I make them pitch in when there's a big cleaning going on. But we don't have scheduled chores. I just wrangle them and make them pitch in, which they mostly do with a decent attitude.

[Momto6inIN]

When my 20 yo was living with us during quarantine he did his own laundry and helped the other 2 older kids with dishes every night. On Saturdays he took the recycles into town to the recycling trailer and helped DH with honey do items. He was also very willing to do other misc tasks as asked.

Same with the 18 yo, although he hasn't moved out, so I still do his laundry along with everyone else's.

[Selkie]

My three are 21, 20, and 18. They clean the kitchen every night after dinner, sweep, and take the garbage out. They help feed the dogs and the two of them who have horses help me with horse chores. They do yard work and help with lots of household projects, fencing, etc. My oldest does all our vehicle maintenance.

[slackermom]

It's just me and my 16 yo in small condo, with no yard. We split the cooking pretty evenly. I load the dishwasher, teen puts the clean dishes away. Mostly we just clean up after ourselves and teen does projects when asked. I am more likely to notice something needs to be done, like when the trash is full, but teen takes it out when asked. Teen hauls all of our laundry to my ex's place on the weekend, and does all the wash and drying over there.

 

 

 

 

 

[Tap]

DS did the majority of the dishes daily. He also swept/mopped the hard surfaces flooring weekly.  He spent about 20 minutes daily on dishes,  and 30-40 minutes for the floors weekly. (I helped with the dishes when I had time and would sweep midweek if needed). We have an awesome dishwasher so most things went in there, and he just had to wash a few pans as needed.

DD used to clean the 3 bathrooms weekly. She vacuumed the downstairs, staircase and upstairs weekly (this incudes moving most light weight furniture and doing the edges with an attachment).  It took her 2-3 hours, but it was once weekly.  ( have high standards for what constitutes a clean bathroom and floor)

They were both 100% responsible for their own rooms, laundry and bedding.  They also picked up the house if they were having company over or just if they felt so inclined LOL. DD13 is very, very messy, so it wouldn't stay clean very long.  The both liked having set chores and picked their responsibilities themselves.

[Scarlett]

Thanks.  This is a 19 year old, out of high school 1 full year...working only About 30 hours a week.  

[Beth S]

I view it more as a Launching Thing.
The child needs to know how to do ALL the basic cleaning tasks in the house.
Maybe responsible for 2 of the 10 cleaning tasks per week (45 min of work?), but has the willingness & skills to do any of the chores.
We pay slave labor wages, but we always explain how much we appreciate them, & how For The Rest Of Your Life, you'll need to launder your undies.  😉

[Guest]

My YAs are not under my roof at the moment. My teen still at home only has his own laundry and a regularly-occurring dinner cleanup chore. Otherwise, I just ask him to do certain jobs and he usually complies, like take out trash, shovel out his room, run the vacuum. 

I will say I have mostly let that ball drop. Years ago, I had job cards for each kid and there were additional chores of harder jobs they could do for cash, i.e., groom the dog, wash the car, pull weeds. Now I find it hard to care. Youngest does the fewest jobs for his age. 

[Loowit]

It varies.  Last year DD was doing college and work, so during the week she had minimal chores.  She helped with dishes mainly.  In the summer when she had more time, she would do some weeding, helping with meals, and running errands for me.  On weekends year round she cleans two of the bathrooms and vacuums the stairs.  This fall she is only doing one class but is working to save money to go away to college, so she is back to her minimal chores.  But she is good to take things on, usually, if asked.

We also offer what we call the quest board, where the kids can all pick a quest (chore) if they wish and there are rewards for it, usually money or a couple of Oreos.  She will sometimes take on one of these, but usually that is the boys.

[jasar31629]

My 17yo, taking 17credits PSEO for reference along with a small, very part-time job does 95% of the dishes, does own laundry and keeps up on her room, cat litter, and helps out elsewhere when asked, albeit not always with a cheerful smile.  She gets that from her mother.  Heh.

[BlsdMama]

17 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Thanks.  This is a 19 year old, out of high school 1 full year...working only About 30 hours a week.  

In college or not?

 

If not, they’d be doing something towards full time employment. If so, then that’s a solid 20 hours on top of 30, so less than a high school kiddo. 
 

For example, our 18yo lives at home. She works 24 or 32 hours a weekly. She does her own laundry and takes a night for cooking. She picks up or does dishes on days off maybe, but she’ll call and say, “Hey, do you need anyone or anything fetched?”

 

In comparison, my three high school kids do significantly more but they are home more. My high school kids can run this house with minimal accountability, but again, it’s split between family members and they are home more than her. 

[Catwoman]

Ds20 has never had chores, and we aren’t starting now. He is great, however, about helping out whenever I ask him, and he does know how to do all of the household tasks if/when necessary.  

There are only three of us in the house; I might feel very differently if we had a large family!  🙂 

[Carrie12345]

My 18yo and 17yo are supposed to be responsible for dishes most nights, but our (their) schedule has fallen apart due to work, volunteer stuff, and the occasional social outing.
They’re responsible for the main bathroom, trash days if there’s more than just 2 cans for the younger kids, unloading groceries with the younger kids, cooking when available and called upon, and keeping an eye on the boys if they’re home when I need to be out.
They sometimes do their own laundry to make sure they have certain things, but I prefer to have their clothes to make full, sorted loads on my own schedule Instead of bits and pieces here and there.
They’re supposed to clean their room, and I guess they technically do, just not as frequently as I’d like.

18yo also takes most of the responsibility for the dog. But, again, she’s got other things and everyone chips in as needed.

Sometimes I have them mow the small front yard or other projects as-needed. There’s usually at least one “Could you please do...” on days they’re home.
 

[catz]

They are responsible for their rooms but as long as laundry is moving regularly, I don't monitor closely.  I do not allow food in bedrooms so that helps.  Other than that, they do stuff but as it comes up (take out trash, load the dishwasher, vacum your mess).  I've never been organized enough to have certain teens doing certain tasks on whatever days and I never wanted to be that kind of task master.  Maybe homeschooling burned me out that way.  

My 19 year old is in an apartment right now with 2 other students and they're figuring it out.  It's not rocket science.  

Edited September 22, 2020 by FuzzyCatz

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

In college or not?

 

If not, they’d be doing something towards full time employment. If so, then that’s a solid 20 hours on top of 30, so less than a high school kiddo. 
 

For example, our 18yo lives at home. She works 24 or 32 hours a weekly. She does her own laundry and takes a night for cooking. She picks up or does dishes on days off maybe, but she’ll call and say, “Hey, do you need anyone or anything fetched?”

 

In comparison, my three high school kids do significantly more but they are home more. My high school kids can run this house with minimal accountability, but again, it’s split between family members and they are home more than her. 

No college.  He just got on at Lowes and is still seasonal.  He will hopefully get on a true full time position there soon.  And we are ok continuing to help him while he figures out life a bit and gets settled in a job he can feel good about.  But when we are killing ourselves with our jobs and he is sitting in his room all day it just gets on my nerves.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Ds20 has never had chores, and we aren’t starting now. He is great, however, about helping out whenever I ask him, and he does know how to do all of the household tasks if/when necessary.  

There are only three of us in the house; I might feel very differently if we had a large family!  🙂 

Or if you had a full time job. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Or if you had a full time job. 

Yes, although if I was working full time, I would probably just hire people to do the cooking and housework if I felt I couldn’t handle it on my own (and Covid wasn’t an issue.) We don’t have any household help now due to Covid, but since there are only three of us, it’s no big deal, and the landscapers can still maintain the outdoor areas because they never have to come inside the house. 

As for your dss — he is working 30 hours a week, so it’s not like he’s sitting around the house all day doing nothing, and he must be on his feet all day at Lowe’s, so he’s not exactly lounging around, sitting at a desk answering a phone and not getting tired. I don’t think I would begrudge him a day off by making him spend a good part of the day cleaning the house. 

I know you say you don’t resent him living with you, but everything you post makes it seem as though he is a burden on you.  I don’t know if you realize it, but you are very critical of just about everything that kid does, and it really does come across as though you wish he would just move out. I’m not saying you actually feel that way, but that’s how you’re coming across. 

I think others have already given you the best advice, and that is to sit down with your dh and dss and divide up the tasks that need to be done, and if necessary, set up a schedule so your dss can look at it and see what he needs to do each day. 

I get the impression that he is basically a good kid and he is willing to be helpful, but that he needs direct assignments, because he doesn’t “see” things like the salt and pepper being left on the counter as being a big deal, and he needs more specific instructions. I know that might be a nuisance for a while, but once he develops the habit of doing X thing on Monday and Y thing on Tuesday, hopefully it will become automatic for him... and make your life a lot easier in the long run.

[Catwoman]

34 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No college.  He just got on at Lowes and is still seasonal.  He will hopefully get on a true full time position there soon.  And we are ok continuing to help him while he figures out life a bit and gets settled in a job he can feel good about.  [b]But when we are killing ourselves with our jobs and he is sitting in his room all day it just gets on my nerves.[/b]

How is he sitting in his room all day if he works 30 hours a week? And is your job so much more physically demanding than his? What is he doing at Lowe’s? It seems like most of the people at home improvement centers work pretty hard.

I feel like I’m missing something, and I am trying to understand the situation. 

[City Mouse]

My adult child has a full time job and pays rent. At this point she is pretty much as if she is renting a room. She buys all her own stuff, cooks her own food, takes care of all personal chores. She even has a small fridge and a microwave in her room.She will occasional do a small task (usually kitchen related) when asked, but mostly she Is treated as we would any adult renting a room. 

my DS18 is in college full time mostly distance learning. He does his own laundry. He empties dishwasher and takes trash to the dumpster when asked. He cooks for himself when I haven’t planned anything, and helps with yard work. He helps do anything when asked. They both are responsible for cleaning the bathroom they share, but since we rarely have guest, it doesn’t get cleaned often. 
 

I have told DS that he is welcome to live here as long as he is going to school full time. Since he is planning to stop college after this one semester, he will be expected to be working mostly full time. If he is working, the plan is that he will be welcome to live here up to around age 21, but the full details will be worked out later. He is aware that his sister does have some special needs that make it harder for her to live independently.

 

[fairfarmhand]

Whatever I ask her to.

Usually it's cutting grass once a week, wiping down bathroom once a week, Picking up random store things, and maybe driving a sibling someplace. 

Oh yes, she usually gets asked to help with something like vacuuming once or twice a week. I'd say she averages about 20-30 minutes of chores per day overall. But I don't have chore asignments, I just ask whoever is around to pitch in with what needs to be done.

She takes care of her own laundry and keeps her things in her room, and her room very tidy, so no complaints there.

Shes a full time college student who works 8-10 hours a week at a restaurant. Generally, I don't ask anything of her on days she works. She's tired when she gets home. School takes about 4-6 hours a day most days, so she can help out around the house a bit. I do try to be considerate. If she has a big test coming up or something, I take that into account when I ask her about helping, and I try to mention which day mowing will need to be done so she can plan her week accordingly. Most cleaning things, she can do them within a day or so of my asking and I'll be content with it. 

Edited September 22, 2020 by fairfarmhand

[theelfqueen]

My 19 year old does very little (which annoys me) ... he does dishes when he eats a family meal at home because his brother does all the rest of the dishes -frequently including things lazily left in sink by 19 year old... he does his own laundry when I harass him about it. He changes his sheets and cleans his bathroom - when I harass him about it. He takes out the trash rarely - again mostly falls to 15 year old but hes supposed to do it. 

[Tanaqui]

Scarlett, when you say he's "only" working 30 hours a week, are you counting his lunch break? Because if not, and if he gets half an hour for lunch daily plus two breaks, then that's a 35-hour-long week before the commute. How many hours does he have to spend at his job before it "counts"?

I'm not saying he shouldn't do more but... I wouldn't use the word "only" here. It doesn't sound like he's sitting in his room all day, it sounds like he's working a 30 hour a week job.

Edited September 23, 2020 by Tanaqui

[Tanaqui]

Double post

Edited September 23, 2020 by Tanaqui

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Scarlett, when you say he's "only" working 30 hours a week, are you counting his lunch break? Because if not, and if he gets half an hour for lunch daily plus two breaks, then that's a 35-hour-long week before the commute. How many hours does he have to spend at his job before it "counts"?

I'm not saying he shouldn't do more but... I wouldn't use the word "only" here. It doesn't sound like he's sitting in his room all day, it sounds like he's working a 30 hour a week job.

I am using scheduled hours....like this week he is scheduled for 35 next week he is scheduled for 28. His lunch breaks come out of that.   Dh works at least 40 hours with his lunch not coming out of that....and has a longer commute.  I work 40 with 5 min commute. 
 

And yes he absolutely does sit in his room all day unless I give him a list of things to do. I don’t think I have said he is the worst young adult ever.  He is a good young man.   And he also needs to do his part.  I think what I am seeing over and over again from others experience is that I am going to have to continue to spell it out for him.  I want to be able to do that kindly.  

[TravelingChris]

17 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

In college or not?

 

If not, they’d be doing something towards full time employment. If so, then that’s a solid 20 hours on top of 30, so less than a high school kiddo. 
 

For example, our 18yo lives at home. She works 24 or 32 hours a weekly. She does her own laundry and takes a night for cooking. She picks up or does dishes on days off maybe, but she’ll call and say, “Hey, do you need anyone or anything fetched?”

 

In comparison, my three high school kids do significantly more but they are home more. My high school kids can run this house with minimal accountability, but again, it’s split between family members and they are home more than her. 

That is mostly what the young adults were doing in my house when they took turns living here.  Also, all of them pitched in with the pool too.

[Scarlett]

Just now, TravelingChris said:

That is mostly what the young adults were doing in my house when they took turns living here.  Also, all of them pitched in with the pool too.

Oh, the pool.  Yeah Dh does all of that.
 

 When dss was working more regular hours Mon-Friday he would literally be in his room sleeping or watching movies all day Saturday while Dh is outside cleaning the pool and mowing and trimming. And I am inside cleaning and such.   I cannot tolerate that.  I have many times texted him and said your dad is working in the yard and can use your help.  Those times he definitely got attitude.  

[BlsdMama]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

No college.  He just got on at Lowes and is still seasonal.  He will hopefully get on a true full time position there soon.  And we are ok continuing to help him while he figures out life a bit and gets settled in a job he can feel good about.  But when we are killing ourselves with our jobs and he is sitting in his room all day it just gets on my nerves.

So, I will say -set clear expectations.

I love my husband but often he thinks he is communicating well and he's not.  He would send the text that says, "Hey, Dad is outside cleaning up and could use help."  I would send the text that says, "Hey, we're all going outside and working in five minutes.  Put on shoes.  You have five minutes to be out to help."

These are different things.  One sounds like an option, the other states an expectation, kwim? Some kids are great at subtle hints.  Some kids need to be whacked in the head with the spelled out expectation.


Laundry here - do your own and throw in a load of towels.  We needed to add that last bit because it's important.
Supper here - you cook on your night.  If it's not your night, you help clear the table and clean the kitchen.  It's not done until it's done, done.
There should be a general rule for any young adult (14-15+) if you use something, put it away.  If it's yours, take it to your room.  With just young adults around, there should be little to do that is "main area" cleaning? Toys don't get out, littles don't need picked up after, etc.  So everyone does their stuff.  Then have a "cleaning day" where everyone pitches in.  

[fairfarmhand]

@ScarlettI know it's got to be soooo irritating, but it's not personal. He's not being lazy or intentionally obtuse. Some people just. do. not. care. about tidiness or cleanliness. At least when it's their parent's home. Many young people are just not that invested in keeping up a home. See also all the stories of my dh's roommates in college. Many young men just don't think about it being a problem at all. So expecting him to naturally consider "I should clean all this up so Scarlett isn't irritated when she's been working hard all day long." probably won't happen.

I have 4 kids. 

Only one can see a mess and consider that something should happen to fix the mess. 

So, yes, spell it out for him. If you want him to do regular chores, then you may still have to set out the expectation "Today is bathroom cleaning day." "Today is your laundry day" "I need you to put soup in the crock pot and clean the kitchen when you're done. Please look at the checklist when you're done to make sure the kitchen is completely clean." 

And when he  does do these things be sure to notice and affirm him. " I see you did your cleaning today. I really appreciate that. It makes it so much more soothing to come home and not have to think about the mess. That means a lot to me." Yes, he is an adult man in age and body, but I think that young adult men really are still in the teen years mentally for awhile. 

I read that in general many men really don't care that the house is a mess when they need/want to relax, whereas many women just can't rest and relax until the home is in a reasonable state of tidiness.

Edited September 23, 2020 by fairfarmhand

[Tanaqui]

Quote

And yes he absolutely does sit in his room all day unless I give him a list of things to do.

 

I'm sorry, I'm really stuck on this. What is he doing when he's "sitting in his room"? He's not making a mess in the house, which is great - but he's also not spending time with you. And it's hard now because of covid, but... is he socializing with people online or what?

[EKS]

18yo takes the trash out, helps with the dog, washes and maintains the vehicles, moves heavy objects for his mother, picks up take out for dinner, does his laundry, keeps his room and bathroom clean, vacuums when asked, washes dishes, makes dinner sometimes, and is generally an extra adult in the home.

24yo is self supporting and lives across the country.  He is treated as a guest when he visits, though he will offer to do things and always helps out when asked.

Edited September 23, 2020 by EKS

[Scarlett]

So I plan to create a weekly and monthly list for us all to sit down and discuss but I don’t have time to do that today. Here is the list I just texted him.

Pay your doctor bills 

Make appointment with dealer first your recall

Water plants on front porch

Take out the trash

Load dirty dishes wipe counters. Clean stove if you use it. 

Put my clothes in the dryer please. You can leave them in the dryer or put in my bed if you need to do laundry 

Shake out the 3 throw rugs outside and run robot 

Clean the hall toilet and take out the trash in that bathroom

[Catwoman]

15 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I'm sorry, I'm really stuck on this. What is he doing when he's "sitting in his room"? He's not making a mess in the house, which is great - but he's also not spending time with you. And it's hard now because of covid, but... is he socializing with people online or what?

I was wondering about that, as well.

It seems like there is so much deep-seated resentment here, and like Scarlett is keeping score of every little thing she and her dh do, and the dss never measures up, because the kid isn’t doing as much work around the house as they are, and because he likes to relax on his day off from work.

And seriously, “sitting in his room all day” makes it sound like he’s a lazy good-for-nothing, but he’s working 30-35 hours a week, so that doesn’t leave him all that much time to loaf around doing nothing. Also, many people need that alone time to decompress from a busy day or a busy week. 

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So I plan to create a weekly and monthly list for us all to sit down and discuss but I don’t have time to do that today. Here is the list I just texted him.

Pay your doctor bills 

Make appointment with dealer first your recall

Water plants on front porch

Take out the trash

Load dirty dishes wipe counters. Clean stove if you use it. 

Put my clothes in the dryer please. You can leave them in the dryer or put in my bed if you need to do laundry 

Shake out the 3 throw rugs outside and run robot 

Clean the hall toilet and take out the trash in that bathroom

Is this for today or for the week? If it’s for the week, it sounds perfectly reasonable. If it’s for the day, it sounds like some serious micromanagement. It would take me longer to write out that list every day than it would to do most of those chores. 

Edited September 23, 2020 by Catwoman

[Scarlett]

21 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I'm sorry, I'm really stuck on this. What is he doing when he's "sitting in his room"? He's not making a mess in the house, which is great - but he's also not spending time with you. And it's hard now because of covid, but... is he socializing with people online or what?

I think he watches a lot of Netflix. But I don’t know for sure. He does some socializing with one or two friends. But many times when he is off work especially if he is home alone, he just stays in his room  all day long. 

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I was wondering about that, as well.

It seems like there is so much deep-seated resentment here, and like Scarlett is keeping score of every little thing she and her dh do, and the dss never measures up, because the kid isn’t doing as much work around the house as they are, and because he likes to relax on his day off from work.

And seriously, “sitting in his room all day” makes it sound like he’s a lazy good-for-nothing, but he’s working 30-35 hours a week, so that doesn’t leave him all that much time to loaf around doing nothing. Also, many people need that alone time to decompress from a busy day or a busy week. 

Is this for today or for the week? If it’s for the week, it sounds perfectly reasonable. If it’s for the day, it sounds like some serious micromanagement. It would take me longer to write out that list every day than it would to do most of those chores. 

It is for today. Micromanaging ?    That is the entire point because he would not do a single one of those things if it was not on a list. 
 

it is probably not a total of one hour of his time. So he has plenty of down time before he goes to work. 

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It is for today. Micromanaging ?    That is the entire point because he would not do a single one of those things if it was not on a list. 
 

it is probably not a total of one hour of his time. So he has plenty of down time before he goes to work. 

So are you going to give him lists like this every day?

It kind of seems like that would be treating him more like a hired maid service than like a son. 

How does your dh feel about all of this? Does he want your dss to have to put in “equal time” doing chores, or is he ok with his son having more time to relax and enjoy himself? It seems like you will be resentful until your dss is doing as much as you and your dh are doing around the house and yard, and I’m wondering if you and your dh are in agreement about this. 

[alisoncooks]

If I had a list like that every day, I'd be overwhelmed.  It's not a lot...but it looks like a lot.

He should totally be paying his bills and making calls re: his car.  Those are nice reminders -- I still have to remind DH stuff like that. No biggie -- I'm more organized/time-aware than he is.

If your DS is the main user of a specific bathroom, he should absolutely be responsible for cleaning it...but I wouldn't say WHEN. Just require it weekly, but give him the freedom to schedule it. And of course he should clean up after himself (stove, counters, etc). But I'd expect that of everyone in the house (in which case there's no need for that to be a specific chore for DS.)

Watering the plants -- I wouldn't expect anyone in my house to care one bit about my plants. And I'd not likely ask them to water them.

(I also have no problem with sitting in the room all day because I'm somewhat inclined to be that way myself. As long as he's contributing when asked, I wouldn't care.)

Edited September 23, 2020 by alisoncooks

[Tanaqui]

21 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think he watches a lot of Netflix. But I don’t know for sure. He does some socializing with one or two friends. But many times when he is off work especially if he is home alone, he just stays in his room  all day long. 

 

And you don't know what he does?

Because the possibility that's running through my head is "depression", in which case you need to deal with that first before you worry about equal distribution of chores among the three adults in your household.

(And on that note - I think it's inappropriate to ask him to put YOUR laundry in the dryer unless he's doing his own load, and it's also inappropriate to text him a chore list. The three of you are all adults, and you all need to sit down together and discuss how to divide up the chores fairly so that everybody is doing their fair share. Which means doing their own personal laundry, start to finish. I believe you when you say he's not currently chipping in fairly, but I wouldn't treat my kids like that at 13, much less at 18+)

[catz]

How does your DH feel about this?   Is he also doing his part?

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

How does your DH feel about this?   Is he also doing his part?

My dh does his part and the part of at least 2 other men. His nickname is Superman. 

[Scarlett]

35 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

So are you going to give him lists like this every day?

It kind of seems like that would be treating him more like a hired maid service than like a son. 

How does your dh feel about all of this? Does he want your dss to have to put in “equal time” doing chores, or is he ok with his son having more time to relax and enjoy himself? It seems like you will be resentful until your dss is doing as much as you and your dh are doing around the house and yard, and I’m wondering if you and your dh are in agreement about this. 

As I said earlier my Dh seems afraid of his son.  But Dh is also a very clean person and he doesn’t like messes either.  H does believe dss should be doing his share of the work required to keep a home neat and clean.  He is more likely to not ask dss though unless I mention it.  
 

Hired maid service?  Really Cat?  He lives there for free.  He is part of a family and everyone needs to pitch in especially when the one who normally did it all is now working full time.  

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

And you don't know what he does?

Because the possibility that's running through my head is "depression", in which case you need to deal with that first before you worry about equal distribution of chores among the three adults in your household.

(And on that note - I think it's inappropriate to ask him to put YOUR laundry in the dryer unless he's doing his own load, and it's also inappropriate to text him a chore list. The three of you are all adults, and you all need to sit down together and discuss how to divide up the chores fairly so that everybody is doing their fair share. Which means doing their own personal laundry, start to finish. I believe you when you say he's not currently chipping in fairly, but I wouldn't treat my kids like that at 13, much less at 18+)

I don’t think he is depressed.  He is talkative and engages in discussions about various topics.  But I could be wrong. 
 

So how would you handle a 19 year old who did nothing unless asked?

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

If I had a list like that every day, I'd be overwhelmed.  It's not a lot...but it looks like a lot.

He should totally be paying his bills and making calls re: his car.  Those are nice reminders -- I still have to remind DH stuff like that. No biggie -- I'm more organized/time-aware than he is.

If your DS is the main user of a specific bathroom, he should absolutely be responsible for cleaning it...but I wouldn't say WHEN. Just require it weekly, but give him the freedom to schedule it. And of course he should clean up after himself (stove, counters, etc). But I'd expect that of everyone in the house (in which case there's no need for that to be a specific chore for DS.)

Watering the plants -- I wouldn't expect anyone in my house to care one bit about my plants. And I'd not likely ask them to water them.

(I also have no problem with sitting in the room all day because I'm somewhat inclined to be that way myself. As long as he's contributing when asked, I wouldn't care.)

A list like this would overwhelm you? That seems weird to me.  Especially when you say you are the organized one in your family. 
 

And maybe you haven’t been following along but he already has been given the responsibility of cleaning the bathroom He uses once a week.  He does not do it less reminded.  
 

You think we should not do chores we care about?  The one I would give up is planning meals, buying food and picking it up and cooking most meals.  I do that for the two men in my house.  Not for me.  

[Scarlett]

34 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

And you don't know what he does?

Because the possibility that's running through my head is "depression", in which case you need to deal with that first before you worry about equal distribution of chores among the three adults in your household.

(And on that note - I think it's inappropriate to ask him to put YOUR laundry in the dryer unless he's doing his own load, and it's also inappropriate to text him a chore list. The three of you are all adults, and you all need to sit down together and discuss how to divide up the chores fairly so that everybody is doing their fair share. Which means doing their own personal laundry, start to finish. I believe you when you say he's not currently chipping in fairly, but I wouldn't treat my kids like that at 13, much less at 18+)

Inappropriate to ask someone who is home while I am at work to put a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer?  Why? Rarely do ask that of him but it helps me get okay.  And I would do it for him if he asked. I don’t get why you think that is inappropriate. 

[catz]

When you say he does nothing, does that mean he doesn't clean up after himself in the kitchen?  Does he leave messes around the house?   I would just get him a laundry hamper and tell him he is in charge of his own laundry and let natural consequences take care of it.  Can you just let his bathroom belong to him?

I just think it could be touchy micromanaging a step child so if you DH won't get involved and doesn't say anything, maybe your problem is at least partially with him.  I have a 19 year old.  He is also just kind oblivious to the kind of messes that irk me.  When he is home, I balance encouraging him be responsible to his bit while moderating my expectations.  I consider this his home too and not everything needs to be at my preferred level of clean 24-7.  It's also ok to let some natural consequences happen. My 19 year old just forgot to fill out a form this week and had a little bit of trouble for it.  I've told him plenty of times to maintain a to do list somewhere.  Oh well.  

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

When you say he does nothing, does that mean he doesn't clean up after himself in the kitchen?  Does he leave messes around the house?   I would just get him a laundry hamper and tell him he is in charge of his own laundry and let natural consequences take care of it.  Can you just let his bathroom belong to him?

I just think it could be touchy micromanaging a step child so if you DH won't get involved and doesn't say anything, maybe your problem is at least partially with him.  I have a 19 year old.  He is also just kind oblivious to the kind of messes that irk me.  When he is home, I balance encouraging him be responsible to his bit while moderating my expectations.  I consider this his home too and not everything needs to be at my preferred level of clean 24-7.  It's also ok to let some natural consequences happen. My 19 year old just forgot to fill out a form this week and had a little bit of trouble for it.  I've told him plenty of times to maintain a to do list somewhere.  Oh well.  

More times than not.  He left his soup bowl in the sink last night.....even though we were all three in the kitchen and Dh and I cleaned up after ourselves.  
 

He does his own laundry.  And the bathroom he uses is the hall bath so no I will not just let that get as dirty as he would if left alone. 

I am trying to balance my own expectations with him just being a kid.  This is me trying to do that.  But when I don’t ask him to do certain things and he ends up not doing them.....I just get overwhelmed with the work load and then I get angry.  I think it is better in this situation to ask him to do things I want done.  I am not asking too much of him.  That list I gave him....if you cut out his bill paying and phone call he could every bit of that done in 30 min.  Of course so could I,  but There is no reason he can’t pitch in so I can use those 30 min tonight to do some other chore.  

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

More times than not. [b] He left his soup bowl in the sink last night.....even though we were all three in the kitchen and Dh and I cleaned up after ourselves. [/b]
 

He does his own laundry.  And the bathroom he uses is the hall bath so no I will not just let that get as dirty as he would if left alone. 

I am trying to balance my own expectations with him just being a kid.  This is me trying to do that.  But when I don’t ask him to do certain things and he ends up not doing them.....I just get overwhelmed with the work load and then I get angry.  I think it is better in this situation to ask him to do things I want done.  I am not asking too much of him.  That list I gave him....if you cut out his bill paying and phone call he could every bit of that done in 30 min.  Of course so could I,  but There is no reason he can’t pitch in so I can use those 30 min tonight to do some other chore.  

Gently... When you are at the point where you are upset about a soup bowl being left in the kitchen sink, the problem is bigger than household chore distribution.

It seems like you are keeping score of every little thing, and that’s not healthy for any of you.

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

More times than not.  He left his soup bowl in the sink last night.....even though we were all three in the kitchen and Dh and I cleaned up after ourselves.  
 

He does his own laundry.  And the bathroom he uses is the hall bath so no I will not just let that get as dirty as he would if left alone. 

I am trying to balance my own expectations with him just being a kid.  This is me trying to do that.  But when I don’t ask him to do certain things and he ends up not doing them.....I just get overwhelmed with the work load and then I get angry.  I think it is better in this situation to ask him to do things I want done.  I am not asking too much of him.  That list I gave him....if you cut out his bill paying and phone call he could every bit of that done in 30 min.  Of course so could I,  but There is no reason he can’t pitch in so I can use those 30 min tonight to do some other chore.  

So much of this is just how you ask it. For my dd18, I’d simply pop in her room and say “oh I see you forgot to put your soup bowl in the dishwasher. Please take care of that before you go to bed. Thanks sweetie!” 
 

it would be a reminder that “you’re an adult! Don’t create work for other people if you an help it!”

some may say “how long does it take to put a stupid bowl in the dishwasher? Why not do it yourself?” Which is a valid point that I do get. But those things pile up in my head and I get resentful, so it’s better to ask my kids to do thier part than for me to explode or stew in resentment. 

[Catwoman]

29 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

As I said earlier my Dh seems afraid of his son.  But Dh is also a very clean person and he doesn’t like messes either.  H does believe dss should be doing his share of the work required to keep a home neat and clean.  He is more likely to not ask dss though unless I mention it.  
 

Hired maid service?  Really Cat?  He lives there for free.  He is part of a family and everyone needs to pitch in especially when the one who normally did it all is now working full time.  

Yes, it seems like a list you would leave on the table for the housekeeper.

In what way does your dh seem afraid of his son? Are you sure all of this is as important to your dh as it is to you? 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

So much of this is just how you ask it. For my dd18, I’d simply pop in her room and say “oh I see you forgot to put your soup bowl in the dishwasher. Please take care of that before you go to bed. Thanks sweetie!” 
 

it would be a reminder that “you’re an adult! Don’t create work for other people if you an help it!”

some may say “how long does it take to put a stupid bowl in the dishwasher? Why not do it yourself?” Which is a valid point that I do get. But those things pile up in my head and I get resentful, so it’s better to ask my kids to do thier part than for me to explode or stew in resentment. 

Yes, and if all three of them were in the kitchen when the dss left his bowl in the sink, a friendly reminder to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher would have been an easy solution... and then it should be forgotten, not remembered as another little reason for resentment toward the kid.