highly sensitive people as homeschool moms

[caedmyn]

Can we talk about hsps as homeschool moms?  I am not sure I am technically a hsp as I am not as empathetic as hsps are often described, and I have quite a high pain tolerance, but otherwise the description fits very well.  I am in a pretty constant state of overwhelm during our homeschooling part of the day, which often leads to me melting down around 11:30 many days. Wondering if there are others here who are hsps, and how you handle the overstimulation of being with and managing your kids all.day.long while hs’ing.

 

 

 

 

[Gobblygook]

I did a quiz recently and was surprised that I’m highly sensitive, too. It makes a lot of sense.

I have 4 kids, ages 14 to 7. Three years ago, I was homeschooling 3 of them and regularly found myself overwhelmed. I found a weekly drop off coop for the middle two and that made a huge difference. I also planned regular field trips, often to the nature center where I could read quietly in the lobby while they were in class. 

Last year, the oldest returned to public school per his desire and while that created other issues, it did cut down on some stress for me and sibling squabbles. He is now in a private high school that is more in line with our moral and academic values. At the same time, #3 started at a lovely half-time private school that was absolutely perfect for her exuberant and extroverted nature. I still have her home a few days a week, but we both appreciate the benefits of her sweet little school. 

#2 thrives homeschooling, but the drop off coop is no longer an option. I’ve found another coop that is more academic in nature and it’s been a good fit. While I do have to volunteer, I enjoy it as a change in the regular routine. 

My youngest is severely developmentally delayed and so he’s in public school. So far, that has been a positive move and he’s benefiting from it. As much as I adore him, it is important for me to have a bit of a break from his very significant needs. 

So, I now only have 1.5/4 kids home and it’s a good balance. Every kids’ needs are different and I’ve worked hard to find situations that best meet their individual needs. 
 

 

[forty-two]

3 hours ago, caedmyn said:

I am not sure I am technically a hsp as I am not as empathetic as hsps are often described, and I have quite a high pain tolerance, but otherwise the description fits very well.

Per the author's HSP self-test, answering yes to more than half of the items (more than 14 out of 28) means you are likely HSP.  AKA, you don't need to have all the attributes to be HSP.  (And she also says that people who answer yes to less than half, but those yeses are very strong yeses, might well be HSP as well.)

I read the book a few years after it came out, and one thing the author talked about was how she had observed two different "levels", so to speak, of HSPs.  Based on her research, she said that not only was there was a clear line between HSP and not HSP (where 40% are HSP and 60% aren't), but there was also a distinction between those who were more strongly HSP (meaning, iirc, something like over 20-22 on her HSP questionnaire) and those who were clearly HSP but partially or less strongly so (clustering around the "just over half mark" on her questionnaire).  Strongly HSP is about 15% of the total population, with another 25% of the total population being partially or less strongly HSP.  If you just look at HSPs, a little over a third are strongly HSP.  Meaning that it's definitely possible to be HSP without having all the HSP traits. 

Just anecdotally, in my family, my dh and dsis are HSP, while I'm strongly HSP.  And one thing I noticed is that they are highly sensitive in their areas of strength but not in their areas of weakness.  Whereas I am highly sensitive in my areas of weakness as well as my areas of strength.  (And let me tell you, it is weird and kind of difficult to notice things when you otherwise have no context for understanding or dealing with them.)

~*~

Quick thoughts:

*If you are regularly feeling completely overwhelmed, it's likely you might have a lot of stored stress; at the very least, if you aren't thoroughly de-stressing in the afternoon/evening, you are likely adding to your stored stress every day.  (Am using "stored stress" as a metaphor for all the cumulative effects of chronic stress.)  So it's not just the stress of the day that is overwhelming you, but the stress of the day on top of stored stress; if you begin the day with your stress cup half-full, then you can only take half the amount of stress you can handle before your stress cup overflows.  (And being HSP means that a) you might have a smaller stress cup than some and/or that b) you experience more stress than non-HSPs to common events.  In any case, HSPs on average need less stress to thrive than non-HSPs, and hit "too much" stress earlier than non-HSPs.) 

In my case, I reached the point where my default "resting" state was at red-alert stress levels - my stress cup was full, and it took very, very little to send me over.  It had confused me, how quick I was to lose it when nothing terribly stressful was happening - but it was because of years of stored stress from stressful times, plus little bits added on each day.  De-stressing is now a big concern of mine.

*It also helps me to keep one area of the house as a retreat of sorts - tidy, quiet, restful - and retreat there *before* I get to the exploding stage.  Also, to have a regular rest-and-retreat time.  When the kids were littler, I had mandatory "mommy alone time" in my bedroom once dh came home, which he enforced.  I locked the door and stretched and did devotions and read, and he didn't let the kids bother me.  Now that they are older, I have a better shot of getting alone time just by telling the kids.

Edited December 7, 2019 by forty-two

[ElizabethB]

Do you have a daily quiet time? If not, I would institute one.  

[katilac]

I don't think you need to be a HSP to get overwhelmed by 6 kids! 

[wintermom]

OP - I think homeschooling is overwhelming and exhausting to everyone at some point or other. You could well have an added "sensitivity" to the activities, or perhaps you feel unsure, lack confidence, or something else. 

I looked at the quiz and I think it's a trap, to be honest. It's far too easy to answer yes to almost everything because there are so many contexts and variables that are not taken into account. I would look a LOT DEEPER into this area before taking on a label.

[KungFuPanda]

I thought some of the questions were a bit vague. A lot of them were things everyone would notice or feel, but not everyone would be upset or derailed by them. It almost seems like this author’s definition of highly sensitive is that people can’t see themselves as separate from whatever environment they’re in at the moment and push through with something unpleasant without freaking out. The questionnaire didn’t allow for the subtlety of disliking something but not having it derail your mood or ability to perform. 

[LarlaB]

I’m a strong HSP who is no longer homeschooling...but when I was HS it was crucial to have daily quiet time and for me to have time alone in the weekend.  I was able to keep in balance that way- also running/exercise.
 

I believe some HSP aspects overlap significantly with dynamics found in introversion, migraines, anxiety and chronic stress. 

I recently sustained a concussion and subsequently developed severe POTS/Dysautonomia (dysregulated autonomic nervous system) which has served to make me even MORE sensitive and intolerant of external stimulation as well as almost completely intolerant of stress not to mention.  Now, the phone ringing will send a wave of adrenaline thru my body.  Literally. Like HSP on steroids.  Without delving into all the symptoms, suffice to say my nervous system command center no longer functions properly and disrupts all body systems.  There is no one cause but a large number of women with POTS are the go getters.  Not necessarily empathetic though.

My point is the nervous system is a mysterious thing- dimensional, adaptive and highly complex.
 

 I asked my Dysautonomia Dr about the “why” of POTS and as a researcher she has no answer but as a clinician she has a theory that patients she sees have nervous systems that are more highly toned (like Vagus nerve)- and that those of us with POTS tend to be the movers and shakers and go getters. I asked her is she had heard of HSP designation- she had not.  I see many similarities.  
 

Interesting stuff. 

[Little Green Leaves]

I sort of have doubts about that HSP quiz -- but I love quizzes, so I took it. I qualify as on the high side of HSP. 

For me, the actual home schooling is the easy part of my day. I know exactly what I'm doing, but it's not rigid; I love the constant challenge of reshaping my plans to meet my kids where they are. 

I sometimes struggle with the other parts of the day. I want my kids to have lots of free time, and sometimes they thrive on it but at other times they get restless and demanding. We live in an apartment so I can't just turn them outdoors and make them play. I don't know if this struggle is related to being an HSP, or if it's just that homeschooling and family management is tricky!

[Farrar]

Some of the things on that quiz... I mean, what person isn't annoyed when people ask you to do too much? It's TOO much. Of course you're annoyed. I'd be more concerned about someone who was like, oh, you want to ask me to do the impossible, that's fun and dandy and not at all boundary crossing!

Caedmyn, you've got an order more young kids than I had, so I don't want to presume to give too much advice. I do find that I function better when I give myself down time and don't judge my need for it. Yoga helps. Meditation really helps my dh, who does identify himself as a hsp. Embracing chaos a little helps. Figure out what you need for yourself (not for anyone else) and prioritize those things, not the things others are asking of you.

[sassenach]

I don’t think that quiz is helpful. It’s a rare person who doesn’t “get annoyed when people try to give me too many things to do at once.”  The real question would be how many is too many? I have an acquaintance who is a HSP and she literally falls apart if she has to balance more than 1 or 2 things at a time. My too many is probably over 10. If I’m in the middle of doing a bunch of things at once and my husband adds to my list, I will probably be annoyed. I’m also sensory sensitive but I wouldn’t classify it as highly sensitive. 

Back to the original question, the hsp mom I know is a homeschooler and she institutes SWB style quiet hours during the day. Everyone goes to their rooms for 2 hours of alone time.

I’ve had some conflicts with her because she tends to want to take on leadership positions but she’s really, really bad at it due to her sensitivity. She tries to control the chaos by micromanaging and then melts down when things don’t go as she planned. So based on that I would suggest  never feeling compelled to lead things. Take on one task that you can do happily and let other people be the organizers. 

[caedmyn]

I'm thinking I may fit into the HSP category mostly because of a few specific things.  I've always cried really easily, about anything and everything, which I absolutely hate.  I have a low tolerance for noise and chaos and stress.  I've spent much of the last 11 years (since DS1 was born who spent most of his first year screaming and projectile vomiting) feeling overwhelmed. 

I do think much of it may be due to my underlying thyroid and adrenal issues...I'm not sure I would have fit the qualifications for hsp as a kid.